Subject: ,,,
Author:
Posted on: 2009-07-21 19:29:00 UTC
I think part of my brain just exploded. And I'm not talking about the good kind of brain exploding that involves candy whenever I see a very fluffy kitten.
Subject: ,,,
Author:
Posted on: 2009-07-21 19:29:00 UTC
I think part of my brain just exploded. And I'm not talking about the good kind of brain exploding that involves candy whenever I see a very fluffy kitten.
I just found a Suethor who made me laugh. Like crazy. Here's the link:
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/439684/Andciritien
It looks like a copy of one of the Badfic Game player's profiles. Seriously. All of her stuff deserves to be killed, from what I can tell.
While I'm at it, I also have a couple of questions.
- Can there be more than one OFU for a fandom?
- Are we allowed to PPC AUs? If we are, then how bad does it have to be?
The Search For Vanwaithilien
(They found her locked in the old trunk in the attic, but by then she was only a skeleton...)
Kill. It. With. Fire. I just read a few of the chapters and there has been nothing more stunningly paradoxical. And elfishness?
What. All it's missing is the extra s at the beginning. I find it hard to believe that this person has read the LOTR books...Hmph.
I like LotR, but I don't know it well enough to really take down that fic. I might anyway. I would like to kill the Mary Sue in that Harry Potter one, though. How does Basilisk lunch sound, do you think?
No, there can only be one OFU per fandom. As for AUs... I think it's the same for non AU. If the characters are OOC or there are Mary Sues running around screwing things up, then it's not good. And it has to be a plausible AU. Like, not AU: Voldemort is good! or anything like that.
Vanwaithilien? Is this author kidding? I use the word 'author' in the loosest sense of the term.
The AU I'm speaking about quotes almost everything not related to the romance from the books. It's almost as if you have to have the books the fic is following with you so that you can read along. The pairing can be compared to a Draco/Hermione fic. It also describes one of my favorite heroines as having color-changing eyes. I just want to make sure that I can kill it before I fly into a rage and rant about it. The writing is pretty good, but the plot is awful. It ruins Protector of the Small, Tortall fans! Down with bad hate-love fanfics between enemies! I can't stand 'em.
Oh god, who was she paired with? Joren? Please say it's Joren. Then at least it's understandable because the poor boy's a fanmagnet. (If it's Vinson, Quinden, or Garvey, I'm committing harakiri.)
It's our poor blonde pretty boy she's paired with. But that story has seriously pissed me off. I'm going to kill it as soon as I get around to my first few missions. It's a long story, so I need a few simpler ones first. Here's the link:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4648148/1/TheOnlyVolunteer
Some of the more notable quotes from it are:
- "Kel had lost control of her calm mask, and Joren found the show of emotion on her face very intriguing. He had discovered during their study times together that Kel's eyes became more green than brown when she was angry or excited. Right now there was only a thin ring of brown around the outer edges of her irises. Joren smiled widely, which only seemed to irritate Kel more and he watched as her eyes seemed to come to life with her anger."
(This made me want to vomit.)
- "As the 'best man'," Sir Paxton explained, "I am here to support Merovec and keep him calm, represent my father and vouch for Nond House's support of this marriage, sign the official documents, and certify that the marriage had been consummated. After that, the real festivities may begin."
Joren digested that last bit of information, "So you ... you have to watch them? And the feast has to wait until ... after?"
"Goddess, no!" Paxton laughed. "That was necessary back in the ancient days, when we had to steal our brides from their often disapproving families, but it's no longer required in these modern times. Thank all the gods that the only thing I must do is wait outside the bridal chamber. Mero will hand me the sheet afterward."
"The sheet?" Joren asked, feeling completely ignorant about the whole affair.
Paxton laughed some more. "Surely you know how ... certain things are done. The common folk are much less concerned about all this, but we nobles still like to verify that the bride was in fact a virgin at the time of the marriage. There will, of course be ... evidence."
Joren turned red with embarrassment. "I had no idea it would be like this."
"My father told me that when he married my mother, there was a Mithran priest behind a curtain in the room with them the entire time." Paxton shook his head at the memory. "Back then, he explained to me, the Daughters of the Goddess and their priestess would parade around with the blood-stained sheet and perform a little fertility dance before the feast could begin. Nowadays, all I have to do is show the sheet to the priest and then the young ladies will have their 'Maidens' Dance' to announce the happy occasion. It's much less embarrassing for everyone."
(This one is very lulz-worthy, "written" by "Joren".)
-"I was the only volunteer
To show you the palace ways;
You were the only volunteer
To help me write my essays.
When I saw you dressed as a lady -
Like all the others on a summer day,
I knew I could fall in love with you,
If you'd only let me say:
"Volunteer to leave your knight training
And volunteer to learn a lady's ways."
Then I will be the only volunteer
To love you for all of your days."
(It's hysterical and nauseating at the same time!)
(I added this one below because, although it's a bit more canonical than Mood Ring Color Eyes!Sue above, it made the Agent Sive part of me Bloodwrathy. Dom dueled with Joren
-----Spoiler Alert-----
in the fic to avenge what that bastard had done to Kel when she was a Fourth Year page about to become a squire. And she forgives Joren for sabotaging her tests a few days after she finds out who was on trial because Vinson was supposedly the main plotter in this fic and just needed money. Joren also wanted Kel to give up and become a lady. WTF? No one in their right mind would forgive Joren for doing such a thing, no matter what back story.)
- "Two minutes later, Joren performed an intricate twist and sweeping arc which sent Dom's practice blade flying into the sand. Kel was shocked when Lerant laughed and told her to look at the bright side - she hadn't lost any money on their bet and she'd be able to sit back and watch Raoul get his own revenge on the blond squire. His comment disturbed Kel so much that she went to Raoul before they headed out to the makeshift jousting lanes."
- "Relief washed over Joren when he realized that he truly was in the Living Realms. He'd made it back to the chapel. He'd survived his Ordeal! Severe pain made him wince as he brought his hands up to his face and he pressed his bloodied palms against his eyes to hold in the tears. He heard someone order him to lie still while the healer used his Gift to heal two cracked ribs and a severely bruised collarbone. Joren would need stitches to close up two small, but deep gashes, and time would heal everything else."
For the sake of sanity, I'll leave out the ones about the one time Neal and Kel kiss, poor Cleon gets neglected (he needs a bunch of hugs after I fix this), and Roald practically admits that he has a huge crush on her. I might be more paranoid than everyone else about these sort of stories, but to me, these deem it kill-worthy. I'm very biased against most enemies-become-lovers plots. I prefer canonical pairings, thank you.
I would be honored to hold back your hair, and pick up the pieces should it be any of the three. Do you have long hair?
Hope it is Joren, the others don't even make sense were they to pair with Kel. Ugh.
Here's some nonsensical pairings, anyway, since you asked. The Ironic Overpower hates us all.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4401411/1/AMatterofHonour
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3793910/1/Fate
<a href="http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1262772/1/CavallsHeart">http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1262772/1/Cavalls_Heart
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2165496/1/YOU
I think part of my brain just exploded. And I'm not talking about the good kind of brain exploding that involves candy whenever I see a very fluffy kitten.
Might I recommend some super glue and bleepka to repair your brain? Those stories just bothered me, and I couldn't resist showing them to others.
Is unnecessary. I need occaisonal reminders for why I'm taking up the cause. ^__^ Something like that. Heh.
They weren't as bad as the really bad ones that all newbs try to read.