Subject: here are more!
Author:
Posted on: 2009-05-11 02:50:00 UTC
I will not suggest that any group of orcs be given extra-large condoms and lessons on abstinence.
-especially within earshot of Agents who have read C***b***n.
-especially if the group of orcs in question lives in the Misty Mountains.
I will not introduce Túrin Turambar and Marvin the Paranoid Android.
-The combined angst could create a black hole.
I will not give Ron Weasley a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster and tell him that it's firewhisky.
-No matter how funny his expression would be.
I do not have the ability to cause Sues to spontaneously combust by glaring at them.
-Consequently, I will not sulk when this doesn't work.
I will not lock the Nazgûl in a room with nine Dementors and videotape what happens.
-Nor will I attempt to sell the footage of said event.
I will not attempt to club a hobbit!Sue to death with a potato. It doesn't work.
-However, a pot of potato stew does.
I will not set any number of mûmakil loose in HQ.
-Especially if I've dyed them pink.
-Or bright yellow.
-Urple is right out.
When newbies are within earshot, I will not pretend to argue with an invisible creature named 'Fluffy' about it not being allowed to eat people.
-Nor will I break off arguing, smile at the newbies, and ask them if they want to pet 'Fluffy'.
-Nor will I tell them that "She's harmless. Really. Who needs limbs, anyway?"
I will not try to bribe a DoSAT agent to program the consoles of Agents I don't like to play the Barney Song.
-Or "It's a Small World".
-Or any other really annoying song.
-Even if I really, really don't like them and I don't mind the song in question.
Residents of Camelot in the BBC's 'Merlin' do not eat ham and jam and spam a lot
- And I am not to look scornfully at the castle and declare it to be 'only a model'.
- Neither am I to try and rouse the citizenry to overthrow Uther and become an 'anarcho-syndicalist commune'.
- Morgana may have 'huge ... tracts of land', but this does not mean I should point it out.
- I am not to follow Arthur around banging coconuts together
- In fact, 'Merlin' and 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' are not easily confused and I should refrain from deliberately doing so in the mistaken belief that I am being hilarious.
I am not a Priestess of the Old Religion and therefore I am not allowed to invoke the Power of Life and Death Itself OR to wear a slinky maroon dress and be ambiguously, seductively insane.
Killing Uther Pendragon in order to accelerate the crowning of Arthur as king is not allowed.
- Not even if you think Arthur looks better in a crown
- Especially not even if you think the removal of Uther is all it will take to get Merlin to confess all about his magic and somehow end up in Arthur's enormous bed
- If you think that's likely to happen, you have been reading too much Merlin/Arthur slash
- Look, Arthur's actually quite keen on his dad, weirdly, despite the obvious issues, and Merlin's already turned down one opportunity to get him killed. It's a bad idea, all right?
- Plus if they find you you'll have someone 'trained to kill from birth' and his protectively homicidal warlock manservant after you.
I must not refer to Uther as 'King Giles'.
Swords are to be held in the hand during use, not thrown. They are not aerodynamically suited to being projectile weaponry. If I attempt to throw them around, I will only end up cutting my own appendages off.
- Unless I am in the Merlinverse, in which case I may fling them at Sues with gay abandon
I think that's how it's spelled, at any rate.
- I will not try to destroy a canon universe with a Reality Bomb, be it a Dalek or Krikket bomb.
--Not even Twilight.
---Or Eragon.
-The TARDIS is not a toy. It will be treated with the respect due to all PPC equipment.
-I will not replace a Dalek's gunstick with an egg whisk.
--Unless it's a character replacement or a Sue.
-I will not use planet killers every mission. It is highly unlikely that this would be necessary.
986 Spiking any of the Flowers' fertilizer with alcohol.
987 Even if it would get me out of an awful mission.
988 I am not allowed to get my partner drunk.
989 Nor am I allowed to get any canon character drunk.
990 I am not allowed to get anyone drunk at all.
-Unless it is their birthday, or we think it's their birthday, and they are at HQ, in which case all bets are off.
991 I am not a stripper and no one will pay to see me strip my uniform off in any of the auditoriums.
992 I am also not a dresser, and people will also not pay for that.
993 Not even if it involves seven veils.
-Besides, that would give Luxury ideas.
994 The printing equipment for the Multiverse Monitor is not meant for printing large posters in order to give my RC 'a bit of color'.
995 I am not allowed to ask if any of the robotic or android Agents will do the robot for me.
- It's demeaning.
996 On the subject of robots, I am not allowed to wear cardboard boxes and pester said robots/androids while going 'Beep boop beep'.
-Or going 'beep bop beep boop'.
997 Arrange large boquets of regular flowers and send them to the Flowers.
998 Alternately, I'm not allowed to dress regular plants up in clothes, and set said regular plants in their respective counterpart Flower's office, and set up a camcorder in there to see how many Agents fall for it.
999 I will not ask the SO who makes his suits..
- The cut and fit would be totally wrong for me anyways.
1000 I will not ask about the Knob on the end of Gandalf's staff.
-or Saruman's.
-or Dumbledore's.
1001.)The God-Emperor of Dune and the God-Emperor of Mankind must never meet.
-Or we will kill you messily before the inevitable Thirty Xanatos Pileup ensues.
1002.)The Necrons are not to meet with the Daleks.
-Or the Cybermen
-Or the Borg
1003.)You are forbidden to exchange the Nightbringer with the Grim Reaper.
1004.)Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living and Imothep must never meet.
1005.)No Ultimate Showdowns of Ultimate Destiny. Ever.
-Except between two sues from the same fic.