Subject: *twitches*
Author:
Posted on: 2009-02-09 22:43:00 UTC
NJO is NOT CANON, damnit! (And this is why my agents aren't allowed to work in Wars-verse.)
Subject: *twitches*
Author:
Posted on: 2009-02-09 22:43:00 UTC
NJO is NOT CANON, damnit! (And this is why my agents aren't allowed to work in Wars-verse.)
...I actually make these lists for fun while I'm sitting in class! The ones I make up in math are the most violent. If I were an agent, I might actually do most of these.
940. I will not lock my partner in the Aperture Science Testing Center, no matter how inept she is.
941. I will not paint a mural on the HQ hallway wall in the blood of Mary Sues.
942. I will not attempt to rickroll HQ, especially if I think Rick Astley was hot and really dig the whole 80's vibe he's got going in that video.
943. I am not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions, nor can they go on my missions for me.
944. Attempting to subtly convince the canon characters that I am a child molester is. Not. Funny.
-Except in special situations. However, it makes it difficult to do your job if they don't trust you. Really.
945. I am not allowed to attempt to purchase any canon character's soul, nor am I allowed to set up a "slave trade".
Even if I claim that it's a historical re-enactment.
946. Not allowed to join the Black Cats. Or the 'Sues. Or the fangirls.
947. I am not allowed to make posters of anti-flower propoganda.
-Or flyers. Organizing protests is right out.
948. The flowers may be plotting to steal Christmas, but I am still not allowed to organize a protest.
949. I am not authorized to fire Flowers.
946. Black body paint is NOT a uniform.
947. I am not the psychological warfare mascot, and therefore I may not conduct psychological experiments on the flowers. Or other agents.
948. Any reports submitted with my blood on them will result in disciplinary action in the future.
-The flowers do not even want to know how I managed to digitize my own blood.
949. I am not allowed to replace the no-drool videos with snuff flicks.
-Or pornos.
950. There is no monster living in the console.
951. I am not allowed to nickname the console 'stupid b***'. The monster will get offended.
952. I should not teach the flowers gang handshakes.
953. 'Best 2 out of 3' does not apply to missions.
954. A rubber band and a paperclip is not an authorized PPC weapon.
955. THE REVOLUTION IS NOT NOW, goddamnit.
956. If I insult an agent in another language, the advantage is lost if they're wearing a translator.
957. I may not jury rig a portal jammer and deploy it in HQ, or anywhere else for that matter.
958. Making canon characters cry is not what I was hired for.
959. No, I cannot get a pay supplement for every time a Sue annoys me.
960. I am not a 'Ninja in Training', so hiding in the ceiling vents and jumping out at people is not allowed.
961. I am also not allowed to induce a panic attack in my partner by suggesting to her that perhaps there ARE no vents, and we should keep the door open to avoid suffocating to death.
962. The minis do not like tootsie rolls, which are bad for their health.
963. None of the vending machines are trying to kill me. Probably.
964. I am not allowed to play with liquid nitrogen.
965. I am not allowed to experiment with bleeprin and ethyl alcohol.
966. I am not allowed to make a molotov cocktail with a bottle of alcohol and some bleeprin, even if I think it has a hilarious similarity to the mentos and coke experiment.
967. I am not allowed to threaten suicide with pop rocks and coke, nor with mentos and coke.
938) I will not genderbend Sabbat for fun. If I do, then my resulting death will be my own fault.
939) I will not allow Discworld's and/or Good Omens' Deaths into HQ
- What do you mean they can get in here anyway? Who let them in.
-THERE IS NOWHERE I CANNOT GO
But Discworld's Death cant; enter hte Tooth Fairy's domain. There is no Death there, and so he cant; get in.
Traumatizing Gingi Amano... That would certainly lead to Nightmare Fuel Unleaded for the culprit, if he/she is caught.
928) Holby City ED is not a substitute for Medical, even if I do think that my injury is too embarrassing to explain to Doc Fitz
- St. James' ED is also out of bounds
- Nor am I to go to any other canonical hospital for treatment
- Or to any World One hospital
- No, not even if I neuralyse the entire department to remove any trace of my presence
- If the injury was acquired in the continuum and the target is in that department, then that is okay
929) Ronon Dex is not my 'snuggle bunny'
930) I will not taunt the angry System Lord
- Or the hungry Wraith Queen
890) I will not stick Lori Starrett and Laura Roslin in a room together.
-Especially if I slash them together.
-Especially if I value my life, because both Bill Adama and Bill Fallis will want my head on a silver platter.
891) I will not mess with Bill Adama and Laura Roslin in front of Agents Christianne and Eledhwen.
-Nor will I mention Vampires and Battlestar Galactica in the same sentence.
-Or the name "Starlight Amoret Adama".
-Or the fic "Kindred: The Embraced ~Vampire Waltz~".
-If I must, I will refer to the title as "Battlestar Twilightica.
892) I will not attempt to airlock a PPC Agent.
-Or a Flower
-Or my partner
-Or the Uncommon Comma
-In fact, airlocking should be reserved for BSG Mary Sues
893) I will not go around claiming that I am the daughter/son of Laura Roslin and Bill Adama.
894) Cylons and Daleks should never meet. Never.
895) I shall not jump in a TARDIS and attempt to go to the Galactica.
-Especially if I'm not on a mission nor on vacation.
-Especially if all I want to do is slap Gaeta and Zarek and squee at Roslin and Adama.
895.) Even if it is labeled Dis Continuity by TvTropes, you will not regard any Novel/OVA/Episode/Misc as Uncanonical unless the writer said so.
-Yes, that includes The Dune Prequels (and sequels), The New Jedi Order series, and the Disney Drect-to-Video Movies.
896.)You will not allow a Honored Matre inside HQ. Ever.
897.) You will not subject anyone to the Spice Agony
-Even if the subject is likely to survive it.
NJO is NOT CANON, damnit! (And this is why my agents aren't allowed to work in Wars-verse.)
Hahahahaha! But it is! The only way to stop it is if you come to my evil lair, perferably in some skintight costume that enhances your female attributes, in order to steal the secret Book of Retcons from my not-so secret vault oviously designed for an easy ambush! And no, I haven't read the Evil Overlord List. Why do you ask?
889) I will not spike Agent Trojanhorse's food or drink Lustin and lock her in a room with Agent Luxury
- Locking her in a room with Agent Paddlebrains is also out
- If I do, then I will accept that the wrath of Agent Trojanhorse and her menagerie is my own fault and will not complain when I am stuck in the infirmary with an exorcism bell stuffed up my nether regions.
Why the anonymous? Scared? We're Bad Slashers, not Assassins. And I know there's a throats thing, but that's only for Sues. Honest.
but do we want to tick off a bad slasher? they might send you a mission report of their latest mission and assassins are not trained to handle that.
Or worse, they videotape their latest sue and send it to you.
890. Video taping, or recording any missions and sending the result to Agents i don;t like is forbidden.
-this goes double for Bad Slashers.
-even if said agent i send it to totally deserves it.
886) Maito Guy and Bruce Armstrong must never be allowed to meet.
-Unless the purpose is to destroy a Sueworld with the ensuing explosion of youthful energy.
879) I will not use Kurotsuchi Mayuri's Super Human formula to incapacitate a Sue before assassination. Torture is not allowed.
880) I will not dance down the corridors singing 'I Am What I Am' at full volume.
-Especially if my singing voice has been likened to a car being crushed.
881) I must not spike Edward Cullen's animal blood with human blood.
882) I will not set up a death match between a Twilightverse vampire and any incarnation of Wolverine, Lady Deathstrike or X-23.
883) I will not start or participate in Pokemon battles in the corridors of HQ.
884) If I am ever in the Pokemonverse for a mission, I will not seek out Ash or any of his friends for a Pokemon battle.
- Unless it is to distract them from the assassination of a Sue.
- Likewise, I will only challenge Sues to Pokemon battles in order to distract them from my partner's approach from behind.
885) I will not disguise myself as a Goa'uld if the majority of the fic takes place in the SGC.
- On the same note, disguising myself as a Wrath in Atlantis is also a bad idea.
881 (extension).
- Nor that of any other vegetarian vampire.
- Especially Jasper.
- Nor will I try to slip rabbit blood into the meals of the Volturi.
- They'll notice.
Agent pads is a smoker. a chian smoker it seems. do we really want to blow up on of her beloved cigarrettes?
Easier than blowing one up is to put caps from a cap gun in there. Tends to really surprise people.
*hands agent pads such cigarettes with the caps and flees*