Subject: Re: Short Story: "Pirates of the Cafeteria!"
Author:
Posted on: 2014-08-08 14:31:00 UTC
That's great. I love the concept that there are other entities causing havoc and otherwise with plotholes.
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Short Story: "Pirates of the Cafeteria!" by
on 2014-08-08 05:17:00 UTC
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A quick little story I banged together for an unofficial pirate-themed challenge for one of my deviantART friends. It involves pirates, and the PPC cafeteria, and . . . it's a little weird. Oh, and since some non-PPCers will be reading it, I intentionally made it more descriptive than normal, just so it would make more sense to unfamiliar readers. Hopefully, that doesn't affect the flow too badly.
http://doctorlit.deviantart.com/art/PotC-Pirates-of-the-Cafeteria-473994749
You'll note there are a couple of slots for cameos built in. (And potentially more; I wouldn't mind tweaking it a bit.) If anyone is interested, leave a comment in the GDoc below, and we'll work on it.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1s58sUxNCgYedG2nETacg8AkuzX-la-NAHdXQcHxdM88/edit -
Very nice! by
on 2014-08-11 23:33:00 UTC
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I enjoyed this a lot.
The scene setting you did at the beginning for the cafeteria was very good, I particularly like the line '...the people chatting and eating ran the gamut from humans to illithids to a Triceratops...', and the following one about the quality of the food.
The way it builds up to the ship crashing through - starting with a seemingly normal portal, then definitely an unusual portal, the agents readying for action, and then the prow of the ship coming through, was very well done. I could picture the scene clearly in my head, it was really well described.
Cap'n Marilena seems like a really interesting character. She's got a nice unique voice, and a strong personality (as well as a nice random mission that fits nicely with the general randomness of the PPC). I do hope we'll be seeing more of her. I like how she compared the security officers as being like the Royal Navy, that was a nice touch.
I didn't spot any typos, and I thought that the description was really well done, and didn't spoil the flow of the narrative at all.
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Very nice! by
on 2014-08-11 23:33:00 UTC
Reply
I enjoyed this a lot.
The scene setting you did at the beginning for the cafeteria was very good, I particularly like the line '...the people chatting and eating ran the gamut from humans to illithids to a Triceratops...', and the following one about the quality of the food.
The way it builds up to the ship crashing through - starting with a seemingly normal portal, then definitely an unusual portal, the agents readying for action, and then the prow of the ship coming through, was very well done. I could picture the scene clearly in my head, it was really well described.
Cap'n Marilena seems like a really interesting character. She's got a nice unique voice, and a strong personality (as well as a nice random mission that fits nicely with the general randomness of the PPC). I do hope we'll be seeing more of her. I like how she compared the security officers as being like the Royal Navy, that was a nice touch.
I didn't spot any typos, and I thought that the description was really well done, and didn't spoil the flow of the narrative at all. -
Re: Short Story: "Pirates of the Cafeteria!" by
on 2014-08-10 19:55:00 UTC
Reply
Can this be added to the PPC Wikia? Sofar I think it should go under cafeteria.
http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/Category:Trans-dimensional_Organisations
I also think that Pizza Run should either get its own entry, or a sub-category of other trans-dimensional traders. -
Nah. by
on 2014-08-11 03:31:00 UTC
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The Pizza Run and its crew technically aren't PPC characters, and they only have one appearance. If I start writing with them more in other PPC stories, then I'll make a page. And it's definitely not an organization; it's just a ship.
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I love it by
on 2014-08-10 11:31:00 UTC
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The flow is just right as it is, it would probably seem to be rushed if you hadn’t taken the time to make more sense to unfamiliar readers. But I wonder whether the first two paragraphs, tweaked a bit, might work better in present tense, because the PPC cafeteria is not history yet, and the "One day" at the beginning of the third paragraph so obviously denotes a shift from describing a general situation to telling a specific event.
Also, two sentences confused me:
"He landed on the floor and dragged the tuna into a deep shadow under on the tables."
Shouldn’t this be “under one of the tables”?
"One pair of cafeteria doors, which had already been open a moment ago, were suddenly thrown open ..."
I guess the doors were not closed, but also not wide open, and somebody may have peered in, and then they were suddenly thrown wide open and the security agents stormed in. The wording is a bit weird.
(Also, grammar check says that "a pair of doors" is singular and thus it should read "was suddenly thrown open".
It’s nice to know that may agents, when they eventually arrive at HQ, may be able to get other food than what is served in the cafeteria.
HG -
Re: Concrit by
on 2014-08-10 14:30:00 UTC
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Thanks for working on this. I'm not sure about changing the tense of the first two paragraphs; I usually keep stories all one tense. But I'll think about it more during work today.
The sentence about the cafeteria doors is meant to be a joke. It's a Narrative Laws thing; a dramatic entrance is required, so the Legal Department caused the already-open doors to re-close for the sake of excitement. I've changed it a bit to make it hopefully look more like an intentional joke instead of a contradiction. (In the GDoc; I won't change the official page until I don't have any more changes coming.) -
*laughter and applause* (nm) by
on 2014-08-10 02:04:00 UTC
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*applause* by
on 2014-08-09 15:25:00 UTC
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Your pirate captain is amazing, the ship's name was amazing, I loved the description of the crew, and the agents' reactions were perfect! The little bits like the animal furs that were too perfect to be real we're what really sold this for me, though. I mean, what else are you going to do when your room starts overflowing with Sue pelts? :P
Going to Googledocs now! -
I snickered straight through this by
on 2014-08-09 04:19:00 UTC
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I've always wondered what you can do for edible food in the PPC if you aren't lucky enough to have access to World One or aren't able to pass as human...
Also, I love your Pirate Captain. She's welcome back any time. :D -
Edible food sources by
on 2014-08-09 09:47:00 UTC
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There are a number of options for edible food, actually: 1) New Caledonia restaurants, 2) disguise yourself as a human and 3) I believe I once read about a PPC General Store, which sold at least chocolate (presuming the hobbits haven't stolen it all by now).
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Cafeteria question by
on 2014-08-09 11:52:00 UTC
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I assume that cafeteria food is provided free as a perk of working at the PPC or being a relative of an agent.
During a story involving a time lord and a TARDIS that couldn't navigate HQ, I saw that there were vegetarian dishes available. Is there food that would be acceptable to someone who holds somewhat kosher? (As in it just has to be from an approved animal and the meat can't be with cheese.) Or would someone trying to hold Kosher be stuck with vegetarian meals?
Also, I've seen a tradition where agents will steal food from the badfics while working. (Feasts after the forming of the Fellowship are a popular target.) -
Since the PPC is mostly composed of... by
on 2014-08-09 13:20:00 UTC
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...World One residents-- from all over the globe, mind you-- I don't see why the Cafeteria wouldn't accomodate personnel with dietary restrictions. Kosher, Halal, vegetarian, carnivore, dextro-food, whatever stuff pokémon eat... anything goes, I guess.
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And now ... by
on 2014-08-09 13:43:00 UTC
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... I want to write a story where a rabbi is brought in to HQ to certify that the kosher section of the Cafeteria kitchens is following the rules.
No, bad Antigone! Finish current projects first! (And I'm not Jewish, so this would take a lot of research.) -
Re: And now ... by
on 2014-08-09 14:52:00 UTC
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Yeah, I researched a bit when thinking about making Kim a lapsed Jew. Not knowing what time or day it is in HQ means that she couldn't easily follow the faith. But I have seen where the agents know it's xmas, so I'm assuming there's something that says when holidays are supposed to happen, including the Bajoran Gratitude Festival. Perhaps the sorters and nurses, who have actual shifts, might be the ones keeping track.
Her form of keeping with her roots is that it has the same appearance as kosher food. (She'd only be willing to eat vegan meals in the Avatar:TLA universe because the animals are just strange.) She's not so concerned about plates and kitchen utensils as long as they're clean. There are some really strict rules to actually do it properly, but I found a confusing list of exceptions. http://www.nishmat.net/Torah/view.asp?id=28
I can't find the articles about keeping kosher only in the home but I thought I saw that some completely dispense with those worries outside the home to the point of using a restaurant as an excuse to eat bacon.
http://www.jewfaq.org/kashrut.htm
Something interesting that Kim might worry about. There is a rule that the animal cannot die of natural causes or killed by other animals. I'm wondering if she'd accept a non-human butcher as long as it's a sentient species. I wonder if someone fussy enough to require rabbi inspections would have that problem. -
Re: And now ... by
on 2014-08-09 14:52:00 UTC
Reply
Yeah, I researched a bit when thinking about making Kim a lapsed Jew. Not knowing what time or day it is in HQ means that she couldn't easily follow the faith. But I have seen where the agents know it's xmas, so I'm assuming there's something that says when holidays are supposed to happen, including the Bajoran Gratitude Festival. Perhaps the sorters and nurses, who have actual shifts, might be the ones keeping track.
Her form of keeping with her roots is that it has the same appearance as kosher food. (She'd only be willing to eat vegan meals in the Avatar:TLA universe because the animals are just strange.) She's not so concerned about plates and kitchen utensils as long as they're clean. There are some really strict rules to actually do it properly, but I found a confusing list of exceptions. http://www.nishmat.net/Torah/view.asp?id=28
I can't find the articles about keeping kosher only in the home but I thought I saw that some completely dispense with those worries outside the home to the point of using a restaurant as an excuse to eat bacon.
http://www.jewfaq.org/kashrut.htm
Something interesting that Kim might worry about. There is a rule that the animal cannot die of natural causes or killed by other animals. I'm wondering if she'd accept a non-human butcher as long as it's a sentient species. I wonder if someone fussy enough to require rabbi inspections would have that problem.
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Thank you! by
on 2014-08-09 04:25:00 UTC
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She's definitely a different sort of character than what I usually write. I suspect she'll show up again!
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That was fun. by
on 2014-08-08 17:14:00 UTC
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And the DES' better off NOT stopping that ship from coming back. There's going to be a riot otherwise.
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Re: Short Story: "Pirates of the Cafeteria!" by
on 2014-08-08 14:31:00 UTC
Reply
That's great. I love the concept that there are other entities causing havoc and otherwise with plotholes.
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Yup! There's some fun design space out there! (nm) by
on 2014-08-08 14:32:00 UTC
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