Subject: What The Hey?
Author:
Posted on: 2014-04-12 22:10:00 UTC
Anyone raised in Azkaban would go completely mad.
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More badfic by
on 2014-04-09 19:15:00 UTC
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I found this odd Harry Potter x Doctor Who crossover in the unclaimed badfic page - "Purity" - and made the mistake of opening its author's profile. I found this:
"Raised by Darkness", by apple2011 (rated T).
After years of abuse by his uncle a seven year old Harry Potter is rescued from the Dursleys by a Dementor who senses his pain, Raised in Azkaban with a strange but caring family and new powers how will Harry react to the revelation he is famous, a wizard and has the power to speak to Dementors. Powerful Harry, manipulative Dumbledore, Weasley bashing and Caring Dementors.
It has lots of standard HP badfic stuff - evul!Dumbelodre and Weasley bashing stand out - as well as terrible SPaG but the worst is this: Caring Dementors.
That's right. Caring Dementors. Harry is adopted by caring Dementors.
What is this I don't even.
-Downs a cup of Bleeptea- -
What The Hey? by
on 2014-04-12 22:10:00 UTC
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Anyone raised in Azkaban would go completely mad.
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Merlin's beard... by
on 2014-04-11 02:24:00 UTC
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May God help the agents assigned to that...thing. (hides in a corner with Bleepolate)
Oh, I found a Zelda self-insert thing in the Pit. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10195249/2/By-the-Edge-of-My-Sword-a-Tweenager-s-Fanfic Summary: Mary Su-I mean Rebecca, who's Independent and Strong-Willed and Not Like Other Girls, has been in an orphanage all her life, but she's about to be whisked away on an adventure by a familiar pointy-hatted Hero... Transcribed from an old Flower-Covered Journal is a fanfic that I am not at ALL proud of. Please read the Foreword. Updated every Monday and Thursday.
...I suspect a retroactive parody. -
Not sure about this one... by
on 2014-04-10 11:16:00 UTC
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WARNING: the following fic is NSFW and NC-17!
http://www.hpfanficarchive.com/stories/viewstory.php?sid=1041
Name: Inheritance
Summary: The events of the graveyard result in interesting ramifications as Lord Voldemort is not the only one who returns to a body. Harry/Multi.
Featuring at least one Possession!Sue/Stu, fairly standard HP bashing against Dumbledore, Weasley's and Snape, alongside additional bashing of just about everything to do with Hogwarts and the Ministry of Magic in general. Oh and Harry and Lily are part Kryptonian. -
Wait, what? by
on 2014-04-10 20:00:00 UTC
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I must've misread. Part Kryptonian? As in Superman Kryptonian?
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You didn't... by
on 2014-04-10 23:04:00 UTC
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Yes, as in Superman Kryptonian.
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Speaking of badfic, I'm looking for... by
on 2014-04-10 00:20:00 UTC
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A suitably hillaribad Suefic involving either dragons or the Phantom of the Opera. Both would be amazing, but I won't hold my breath. {= ) I'm keeping my own eyes open, of course, but there's only so much mediocre fic I can stand to scan at a time, so I figured I'd put the word out in the hope of getting Agents Derik and Gall a new mission sooner.
Dragon-having fandoms I'm especially interested in include the following:
* Dragonriders of Pern
* How to Train Your Dragon
* Temeraire/His Majesty's Dragon series
* Lord of the Rings
* Discworld
* Harry Potter
* Beowulf (the epic poem or the 2007 movie)
* Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel (there was at least one dragon in the finale of Angel, so I'm counting it)
Others I might consider missioning in, if I can make it work:
* Dragonheart
* Generic D&D or Dragonlance
* Spyro the Dragon (first game only; I haven't played the others)
* Skyrim (yep, I'm playing Skyrim these days. Breton, mostly fighter + alchemy if anyone wants to know.)
* Chronicles of Narnia
* MLP:FIM (because turning your human agents into ponies is always good for a laugh)
Dragons appearing in continua where they don't belong are good, too. My user page has a list of my top fandoms.
So, if you happen to see anything that looks mission-worthy that involves a Sue, dragons, and/or the Phantom of the Opera, please let me know! Oh, and songfic, I'd take a missionable songfic, too. Thanks!
~Neshomeh -
How about these? by
on 2014-04-13 21:13:00 UTC
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Not sure if either one will be quite what you're after, but there's always a chance.
The first is True Lovers, which is apparently a Phantom of the Opera and Shrek crossover. I say apparently because it doesn't really seem to use much of either canon. But it features a man with a disfigured face (he gets better - I'm sure that's a charge), and has the dragon from Shrek. No actual Sue in this one, but my quick skim of it leads me to believe that most of the recognisable characters are far OOC/possessed.
The second is Spyro and Cynder in The Phantom of the Opera, and is pretty much exactly what it says on the tin. It's script format, and seems to be a condensed retelling of the Phantom storyline using characters from Spyro the Dragon. Or at least, character names from Spyro, as that's about all you see of them. Not really sure if this one's missionable though.
These two are the only fics that I've been able to find which even remotely involve both PotO and dragons. -
A couple possibilities. by
on 2014-04-11 06:27:00 UTC
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Other people found dragon stuff, so I focused on Erik. I found these from just a quick scan during dinner; you'll have to read them in more depth to see if they're quite bad enough to missionize, or just mediocre bad.
"My Ghost" is a T rated Phantom x Potter crossover:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3799174/1/My-Ghost
This is a bit of a songfic, with Ron having a beautiful singing voice that the Phantom wants to improve. It becomes Ron/Phantom eventually--seventh year Ron; hopefully that's not too squicky for you. (Unfortunately, this is movie!Phantom, which I know isn't your preference.) Also, it's ridiculously long, and the grammar's decent, so I'm not sure this will prove to be mission material.
"Ange Gardien" is a T rated Phantom x Narnia crossover which is NOT a trollfic, despite that title:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5935069/1/Ange-Gardien
This is an Erik/adult!Lucy romance, with some minor songfic moments here and there. The grammar is much worse than the above story, but it's still pretty long.
Hope these are of some use, if only as entertainment. -
I've found a couple Erik fics, too. by
on 2014-04-11 19:42:00 UTC
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I'll check out the two you posted in a bit. Thanks!
For the amusement of the group:
"The Phantomess of the Opera and the Half-Blood Prince" - another HP x PotO crossover, Marauder era.
"Erika de l'Opera" (that is seriously her surname, what) is the great-great-granddaughter of Erik. Her parents send her to Hogwarts because Voldemort is apparently a big fan of the Leroux novel and tracked her down for Reasons, and somehow she's supposed to be safer in England.
She has a deformity, but nobody much cares; it is effectively an excuse for her to accessorize with cute masks (ARGH). For some reason she thinks Ralph Lauren had a presence in Great Britain in the `70s and that Severus Snape would dress like that.
Snape is her LO. He is a perfect gentleman at all times. They bond over PotO and Faust, which all their friends love, possibly because it's mentioned in PotO and thus is the only opera they have actually heard of. Naturally, she has the voice of an angel, and Snape tells her this constantly.
Oh, and Erik talks to her in her head. No one thinks this is strange.
"Never Let Go" - PotO, set after the events of the book/play/movie.
This seems to be an alternative to Love Never Dies. (Which doesn't exist. What was I saying? Never mind.) Unfortunately, this story makes no sense at all.
So, Janessa Detris (or Morguis, or whatever her last name is this chapter) was abandoned at birth and grew up in the burnt-down Opera House. Somehow she survives on the infrequent charity of strangers, one of whom apparently has the wherewithal to give her a freaking violin and teach her how to play it, but not to actually take her in.
She grows up and decides to move to Spain. There she runs into Erik, who is now living in the Opera House in Barcelona because a friend of his built a lair for him down there just in case he ever visited (what?). Due to the fact that they have mirroring deformities and sound alike, they deduce that Erik is her father. Yay!
Then some random person threatens her and makes her become an assassin to save Erik from dying. She is terrible at it and ends up getting shot in the chest in an alley, and Erik saves her by taking the bullet out with a knife and sewing her up on the spot. This does not impede her future actions and in fact is never mentioned again.
Erik gets her a role in Les Misérables. No one has any problem with Erik being there, or their deformities. Erik does not appear to be a deranged psycho in any way. One of the other actresses turns out to be Janessa's mom. How the hell Erik ended up in a relationship with this woman is not discussed ever, nor are they shown interacting after everyone realizes who everyone else is. This is irrelevant because it is not about Janessa, who has no issues with either of them over being abandoned. Everything is happy-shiny.
But wait! Some new villain named Descole is threatening to kill people if Janessa doesn't do what he wants! Dun dun dun!
This is all exactly as haphazard and ill-thought-out as it sounds. The story is currently updating. >.
~Neshomeh -
Poor Snape. by
on 2014-04-12 05:07:00 UTC
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He's a complex character, but somehow, I doubt he likes these games of dress up the authors seem to like putting him through. I'm a little leery of trying a Marauders-era mission, just because there isn't as much info to go on.
That second one just sounds like madness! That first paragraph sounds like the fic has all of France out of character, considering the typical reaction to Erik's face in canon. -
I know there were these Sues... by
on 2014-04-10 12:40:00 UTC
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...which came from the same source as the Sue with the Silmarils in her blood, who had the ability to tame fire-drakes. I'll see if there's an unclaimed monstrosity in that hoard for you. Those ones are pretty terribad.
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Imma just go check the Circle for dragons... by
on 2014-04-10 00:42:00 UTC
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...and oh boy are their some real stinkers.
Nothing for Dragonriders of Pern, sorry.
I DID find some thing for How to train your Dragon:
The Dragon Princess (How To Train Your Dragon Story)
Good god, the summary alone was enough to send me running.
Can't say I've ever heard of Temeraire, nor can I find anything for it. Doesn't sound really popular.
Lord of the Rings badfic doesn't normally focus on dragons but I did find something:
I Cannot Trust
She rides dragons. That is all I have to say.
Nothing for Discworld I could track down, sorry.
Can't say I have heard of Harry Potter badfic focusing on dragons but, again, I found something horrible.
Dragons Kin (Tom Riddle)
She can talk to dragons and use their magic. What.
Nothing for Beowulf.
When I searched Angel I just got a variety of Sues with Angel in their name. Nor did I find any Buffy dragon-related Sues.
Anyways, there you are.
The Emperor Protects! -
Hmm, interesting! by
on 2014-04-10 15:42:00 UTC
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The first one looks like a rehash of the movie so far. Dumb, but a pretty boring sort of dumb. I'll scan later chapters to see if it goes off the rails later on.
The last one is actually almost good, as hard as that might be to believe. The mechanics don't suck, and this girl who grew up on a magical island with dragons actually struggles with being dropped into the middle of Hogsmeade with no clue, no proper clothing, and unable to speak English. Props for having actual conflict! This one's safe.
The middle one, on the other hand... it only gets as far as her joining the Fellowship (at Elrond and Gandalf's insistence, not her own), and the mechanics are not as egregiously terrible as I prefer to spork, but it could definitely prove a good DOGA or SIELU case if not a DMS case. She invents two uncanonical islands, one of which has friendly dragons and an uncanonical humanoid race that apparently speaks Greek, or something like it... the Elves are NOT speaking any Sindarin I ever heard of, despite the author knowing that they do speak Sindarin and that most people speak Westron... and all the uncanon stuff is pretty much superfluous to the plot so far. It could be a mission for someone. I'm just not sure it's a mission for me.
Thanks, though! I appreciate anyone Circle-diving for me. ^_^
~Neshomeh -
That middle one... by
on 2014-04-11 14:16:00 UTC
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Oh my. The islands could actually be canonical, just about - dragons originated in Angband, and Tol Fuin - Dorthonion-that-was - still exists, and is definitely to the west.
Oh, no, never mind. Chapter 2 says Katharos is circular, and too large to be Himling or Tol Morwen (or the Meneltarma) - though the other island, Arthen, with the deformed trees, would be a good fit for Tol Fuin. Certainly the orcs of Angband didn't come from (current) Middle-earth - they came from Beleriand. So maybe Katharos is the western end of old Dorthonion, and Arthen the eastern?
The story places the islands 26 hours from Middle-earth by dragon... but I'm dubious about the dragon's speed. They're flying below cloud-level - there are 'white little specks of clouds here and there', which sounds like cirrus clouds, at about 5000m. She also claims 'if you focused hard enough you could see small shadows swimming in the water'. If we assume that's the shadow of her dragon, which we can guess at... oh, 10m long?
A young person with excellent vision can have a visual acuity of 2, which is defined as 1/'gap size' in arc minutes, where 'gap size' is the smallest thing you can discern. So the gap size is 0.5 arc minutes, or 1/120 degrees. Said angle can be estimated using the formula tan(V) = S/D. Since V is 1/120 degrees, and S is 10m... if I'm mathsing this right, she might be flying at about 1000m up. That would still let cirrus clouds look like 'sky', so let's go with that.
With that in mind, she takes ten hours to pass out of sight of her starting point. Taking my standard sample mountain (Rainier) as the basis for her country, that means she's gone about 330 kilometers in ten hours; in other words, her dragon moves at 20mph, about 2/3 of the average flight speed of a golden eagle.
Er... basically, her dragon sucks.
hS
PS: And yes, I think it's Greek. The prologue translated 'unknown' as 'agnosto', which has obvious etymological connections to 'agnostic'. I could have used Google Translate, but that's boring. ;) And at least some of her Sindarin is from Real Elvish.net. Not quite all of it, but a lot. ~hS -
How real is Real Elvish.net? by
on 2014-04-11 15:50:00 UTC
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Didn't Cassie recently tell someone it's not the best source? Or was she talking about something else?
Hm, I'd think the shadows swimming in the water would be dolphins or fish. Multiple small shadows, not just one. What would that do to the maths?
~Neshomeh -
Make it worse. by
on 2014-04-11 16:05:00 UTC
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Smaller shadows would mean she'd have to be lower down, which means the island disappears over the horizon at a shorter distance. Specifically, the tip of Mount Rainier, at 4000m, will always be visible out to 220 km; if she's 1000m up, she can add 110 km to that. If she's flying at sea level, which would be pretty much required to see small fish, she'd be moving at 13mph. I guess that's sustainable flight, since dragons can actually hover in place - but it's going to be very tiring for the dragon.
As to re.n... well, it thinks it's good ("I made this little phrasebook for the sole purpose of people posting it on their websites, replacing Grelvish and Arwen-Undomiel.com."). And Cassie actually said " It's not quite as good as the one hS linked, but it's a fairly good one".
hS -
I found you Thorin's adoptive daughter... by
on 2014-04-11 00:44:00 UTC
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...who is the last of the Animorphs.
http://www.quotev.com/story/3113250/Another-Hobbit-Story/
I know, not what you were aiming for, but I thought of how ticked Ilraen might be if he heard about this one...
Oh, and here, have Tala (aka Minthe), leader of the Dragonkind in Middle-earth. I know, I was confused, too.
http://www.quotev.com/story/2134342/I-dont-bow-to-crowns-A-Legolas-love-story/
She doesn't like right justifying, and she likes colours. Also she knows about Galadriel's song of parting but not the fact that the other "elvish" phrases she uses is actually Grelvish. And she quotes entire songs and links to youtube videos.
Oh, and why not:
http://www.quotev.com/story/3070413/How-To-Train-The-Heart-Of-A-Dragon-Hiccup-x-Reader-x-Toothless/
Because apparently Reader/Toothless is a thing that happens on the Circle. -
Thanks! by
on 2014-04-11 19:03:00 UTC
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Ugh, that first one. It's almost like she heard the word "Animorph" somewhere, found out it means turning into animals, and stopped looking into it. There's nothing to make her different from your basic fantasy shape-shifter, and she can go from one animal form to another without turning human (or dwarf I guess?) in between. And she doesn't even use the ability intelligently. In theory her abilities make Bilbo's presence completely pointless, but she saves Thorin from falling off a mountain once, and that's it. Most of the "story" is purely a retelling of the movie. What is even the point of you, Evelyn? And what is up with your name?
The second has almost exactly the same problems, except swap in "Dragonborn" for "Animorph." Wolf-speaking, line-stealing, fast-healing, know-it-all, tag-along nonsense. *headdesk headdesk headdesk*
I might take either one of those. Or both. It would be a job of work on my part to make them entertaining because they spend so much time doing absolutely nothing to explore how a new person with new abilities affects the dynamics of the group and the outcome of the various encounters, but the logical problems alone could be enough. We'll see!
... I'm not even touching the third one. Nope. Do Not Want.
~Neshomeh -
I keep coming across that I don't bow to crowns story. (nm) by
on 2014-04-11 03:09:00 UTC
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It's apparently one of the most popular in the LotR section? (nm by
on 2014-04-11 03:13:00 UTC
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Yeah, dunno why. (nm) by
on 2014-04-11 03:15:00 UTC
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Probably because it's honking long. (nm) by
on 2014-04-11 03:16:00 UTC
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Re: Imma just go check the Circle for dragons... by
on 2014-04-10 02:24:00 UTC
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Glad to see Temeraire is safe for now. Probably too...classical? British? I'm not sure what word fits. No movie either.
That first story hurts the parts of my brain that are used for thought. -
you're gonna need more than bleeptea by
on 2014-04-09 23:38:00 UTC
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I haven't even read the fic and I see that it was probably written by a 12 year old.
it's just so utterly stupid -
Just a note of courtesy... by
on 2014-04-10 12:42:00 UTC
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It's not in good form to mock the author of a fic. We mock the fic itself, or its premise. In this case, the idea of having caring Dementors contravenes exactly why Rowling created them and the purpose they serve in her stories. That the fic might have been written by a twelve year old is immaterial. Anyone inexperienced enough with fanfiction writing can completely misconstrue the canon.
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Ick. by
on 2014-04-09 21:52:00 UTC
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And I thought the Dalek one was bad. (Yeah, I'm the one who put Purity on there.)
But Caring Dementors! How!
-Aila -
How? by
on 2014-04-09 23:08:00 UTC
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It's actually pretty simple. The author missed the parts about Dementors, the same way Suethors miss the parts about Legolas (except for him being hawtt!!!!!111Eleventyone!!1).
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This one is full of stupid. by
on 2014-04-09 20:44:00 UTC
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https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9386311/1/Prisoner-Of-The-Mind
Silver would wake up day after day, wondering if their is a place in life for him. Unfortunately, his powers are discovered by the public who reacts negatively. How does GUN react? To imprison Silver and make him a weapon. He barely escapes the clutches of GUN, but how much longer can he run?
I never thought I would be so annoyed by sentences that begin with a past tense continuous verb, until I read so many of them.
Besides that, there's so much stupid in it. For example, the king just asking or demanding Silver to serve him was too sensible. No, he has to make Silver a prisoner and when he escapes, then demand him to serve or become a fugitive. (Then again, if he didn't do that, Silver wouldn't have a chance to have to angst.)
It doesn't help that the king has lived at least 200 years. Because of that, he apparently becomes "unpredictable", which may be another
way to say he's become evil and stupid. -
I'll add another one while I correct my grammar. by
on 2014-04-09 20:54:00 UTC
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Meant to write "Silver wouldn't have a chance to angst."
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9422676/1/The-Withered-Rose
Amy was being her usual cheerful, giddy self until one day she was caught in a robbery and shot. Waking up in the hospital, she felt an odd sensation. She feels delight in sadness, especially pain experienced by others. But there is one person she'd truly love to kill, and that's Sonic The Hedgehog.
So she was having creepy daydreams a few times, she got shot in the frontal lobe, which means she becomes a killer. Okay.