Subject: I finished reading Relocation, and I liked it a lot.
Author:
Posted on: 2013-10-20 14:25:00 UTC
There is one tense shift:
The turian caught the RA, nodding as he walked to the portal. “Thanks,” he says.
HG
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And I return to writing with two interludes! by
on 2013-10-18 14:31:00 UTC
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Hello everyone, and... well... it's me, back to writing PPC-related stuff! It's been several months since I rejoined, but now I'm finally getting around to posting some of the stuff I've written since then!
And on that count, I have two interludes to get things back in swing for my two RCs.
First up, we have Eusabius going on that date with Zerenze, while Florestan greets a new member of RC 1810: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bQACdm9Ikso1i1Kk4f0WY7RmUC972UJKEN30rnJxFQ/pub
And then we jump over to RC 2183 as they deal with being transferred to the Department of Mary Sues: The Hunger Games Division, as well as other things in life: <a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1K3bf5la5gXOugLP2RgyutgSCrwPYqjvTdw0pT8HwRU/pub">https://docs.google.com/document/d/1K_3bf5la5gXOugLP2RgyutgSCrwPYqjvTdw0pT8HwRU/pub
So yeah, there we go. I'd like to thank Outhra and Neshomeh for beta'ing each interlude, and also to thank Neshomeh for cowriting a scene in the RC 2183 interlude.
And hopefully, I'll be able to get some missions in soon. I hope you guys enjoy! -
I finished reading Relocation, and I liked it a lot. by
on 2013-10-20 14:25:00 UTC
Reply
There is one tense shift:
The turian caught the RA, nodding as he walked to the portal. “Thanks,” he says.
HG -
Bring on the Crash Dummy! by
on 2013-10-19 04:37:00 UTC
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There's a slight shift to first-person in the DIC interlude: “I have a PS3 in one of my bags,” I comment. “You want to play Persona 3 FES with me?”
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Oh my... by
on 2013-10-19 03:04:00 UTC
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...I really loved this. It was really warm, tender and sweet (especially the Cindy-Ilraen moment!), it was quite touching really. I hope you write more of these interludes in the future!
~Autumn -
Yay, you published! by
on 2013-10-18 23:02:00 UTC
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Hieronymus Graubart already pointed out a lot of the mechanical stuff I noticed in the RC 1810 interlude, so I'll just add a reminder to watch out for redundancies and overuse of adverbs and other modifiers in your writing. Hopefully you know the kinds of things I'm talking about by now, so I won't get into it. {= )
In response to the piece itself, I have to say my overall impression is that of awkwardness. This is not a bad thing! I like that you take the time to deal with how out of place Zerenze feels in the whole situation: alien body, alien world, alien language, alien courtship... I'd complain if it wasn't awkward for him. Also, I can totally relate to having no idea what the hell you're doing, but wanting to see it through anyway just in case it turns out to be awesome (which, as my shiny wedding ring attests, it did!).
I would like to know even more of his thoughts and feelings in all this, though. Seeing as it is so bizarre, not just for him personally but for Sangheili as a race, what is it about Eusabius that makes him worth it for Zerenze to stick his neck out so far, and what is it about Zerenze that allows him to? Are Sangheili capable of physical intimacy in the way we understand it, but just generally choose not to engage in it? Is Zerenze somehow different from other members of his species if he's capable of this kind of relationship? If so, why? How? I know I'm speaking from deep ignorance since I'm not familiar with the canon, Zerenze's origins, or how this relationship got started, but it's an important set of questions. I don't want to declare this is happening just because the plot says so, since I haven't done my homework, but when you point out that it's not typical and proceed to do it anyway, one must wonder.
I'd also like to know more about the Sangheili side of things, just out of regular curiosity. If they're not big on physical intimacy, how do they go about having relations? Maybe this could be grounds for another interlude, where Zerenze gets to take Eusabius out on an Elite-style date. Turnabout is fair play, right? {= D
A question: does Maria la O routinely let gay couples meet at her place, like a clandestine service she provides, or is it just because she's friends with Eusabius? Maybe I missed the explanation of this in the Spanish... I'm afraid mine's not great, though some of it did come back to me trying to read the Spanish dialogue here. I guess it just felt a little odd to me personally, especially since she hung around for a while to play records and hand out cigars. If I were trying to have a safe, private tryst with a new lover, I'd be really weirded out by even a really good friend hanging around watching us have cute bonding moments on her balcony. Like, thanks, really appreciate the safe space, but go away now? O.o;
A point that could be clarified: I think I recall you saying somewhere (maybe the mission I looked at?) that Zerenze and Eusabius don't actually have any kind of intercourse at this time, but between the way Eusabius talks up his big plans and the fact that we jump to them mostly naked in bed together, it's not at all clear. You miiight wanna do something about that, because based on their date, I do think that would be moving way too fast for poor Z. ^^;
Oh, I enjoyed getting some of Eusabius' backstory in this. It's not a lot of information, but it's just enough to imagine the broad strokes of what his life was like for a while, and I admire his coping skills. He seems like the kind of person who always manages to land on his feet and seems to sail along like nothing can touch him, even if you know he has to be tied up in knots on the inside. He's a pretty cool guy.
---
For the other one, I can't believe I missed this, but it appears that Annie is wearing nothing but a bathrobe during the whole visit. ^^; I mean, theoretically we can assume she changes in the scene break between when she invites Xanthus to stay and the post-dinner bit, but it strikes me that she might want to do that before she starts making dinner.
Otherwise, I think the whole "Relocation" interlude works really well, even if they don't actually relocate physically. There's nice symmetry with the agents furiously packing and then furiously-in-a-totally-different-sense unpacking (darn Flowers!), and the two parts tie into each other well, what with Cindy and Anneli talking about Ilraen getting Xanthus thinking about visiting Annie. It's a solid little piece, and I'm happy to have been a part of it. {= )
~Neshomeh -
Sangheilology by
on 2013-10-19 00:32:00 UTC
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I only had time to skim the story so I can't provide an in-depth answer to every question (I am, in fact, reading through A Cage Of Butterflies right now!), but regarding Elites and physical intimacy:
Sangheili culture is extremely conservative, but that in and of itself indicates that the Elites have something to be conservative about- I know for a fact that Elites do... "couple" to produce offspring, and that there are males and females different enough for humans to differentiate them on sight*. They do have institutions of marriage, although some Elites are described as having multiple wives and others as monogamous (I think this varies depending on regional subculture). However, certain "swordsman"** Elites with significant martial prowess are allowed to spread their genes... basically wherever: whether that means they are simply exempt from monogamy or exempt from consent is something I don't want to think about.
More to the point, there is little to no information on canon Sangheili attitudes towards homosexuality, or even if such a thing exists in their neurology. Furthermore, the actual... "mechanics" of producing more Elites are anybody's guess. What is known is that while they do in fact have a nudity taboo, males don't appear to possess external genitalia.
*Sangheili appear to have a patriarchal culture, but the sheer size of their all-male military makes me think that the biological ratio of male to female Elites is highly skewed as well.
**There are mentions of "swordswomen" and female Weapon Masters existing in Sangheili history, but that the positions are males-only now. This, interestingly, implies that the creation of "gender roles" in Elite culture is a relatively new development, perhaps originating from the Covenant? -
Thanks for all the feedback! by
on 2013-10-19 00:06:00 UTC
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I mean, damn...
A lot of the things about Zerenze's thoughts and feelings are things that are explained in Halo canon. A lot of it is stuff that I could've explained, but talking about everything I found out through wiki-surfing in all likelihood would've crippled the pacing of the interlude. (The Halo Wiki is friggin' extensive on this subject, and there's no way I'd be able to include everything there.) Long story short, the sense I got from wikisurfing was that sangheili look at intimacy the same way a scientist might look at genetics (and yes, I do mean to use that comparison exactly): there are those that do get married and there was a short in Halo: Legends that does confirm that they're capable of intimacy in the sense that humans would understand, but there's quite a bit of stuff in there that implies that their societal structure and their culture demands that the institution of marriage--and their capacity for intimacy--be a touch more fluid than in most human cultures.
But your turnabout idea... Hm... The plotbunnies are already attacking. I'll have to follow up on that at some point.
As for the progression of the relationship... honestly, I'm aware that this isn't a great thing, but I did go into that with the idea that their relationship was building over all the previous times they saw each other. I think the most extensive it got was in the previous interlude, but they talk to each other at other points too (Zerenze even tagged along for Mission 6 of this RC, mostly 'cause DoSAT ended up needing some tech from the Cameron!Avatar continuum.). But yeah, they've had plenty of interaction by this point, so... yeah.
Maria la O... Actually, the deal with her was that her existence, and in some ways her function in the interlude, was kind of an in-joke. The problem is that it's an in-joke that nobody outside of my ethnicity would really get. I actually did almost explain it when Eusabius and Zerenze leave the apartment, but I ended up leaving it out in the name of narrative pacing.
The gist is this: Maria la O was the name of a tragic prostitute character from a zarzuela Lecuona wrote by the name of... well... Maria la O. In fact, she's also the name of one of Lecuona's more well-known tunes-- you can actually find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yqGgIF6K70. The idea was that, since she was originally a prostitute, Eusabius would've been more comfortable confiding in her, especially since she turned out to be a pretty good friend to him in the end. There is actually a hint of this in the Spanish, too: Maria generally uses a pet name whenever she talks to Eusabius ("ganso lindo" is "handsome goose"), and she also uses the informal form of "you" whenever she addresses him. But yeah, the idea was that Eusabius knew she probably wouldn't mind, and I'm sure you know by now that there is very little that can faze Eusabius. But... um... yeah, I'll admit I didn't really think about it from Zerenze's point of view.
The mention of no sexual relations might've been from my currently in-revision-phase mission, so... I dunno. The plan was originally to get it to that point, but I ended up scrapping it 'cause I figured "no, Eusabius is the kind of guy who would take it slower than that". I probably should've changed the dialogue a touch to reflect that, so that's an oversight on my part.
Yeah, Eusabius just floats over everything. You know how it is.
Thanks for all the feedback on that! -
This was a weird experience. by
on 2013-10-18 21:06:00 UTC
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I didn’t expect that I would enjoy slash, but this was lovely. Aila said it already better than I can do.
On the other hand: ouch!
Eusabius and Zerenze walked the streets of Havana, with Zerenze watching all the activity surrounding them. It was of course rather late at night, with Zerenze following Eusabius.
Both subordinate clauses starting with “with Zerenze” looks odd. Are you sure this is what you wanted to do?
Also, there are some temporary tense shifts:
“So…” Zerenze says. “This is a busy place.”
“You shall see, my dear Zerenze,” Eusabius replied. “For now, I believe we are getting close.” He nods.
Zerenze pointed at Maria. “You mean she knows,” he says. “About… well… you.”
Eusabius nods. “Just do not tell that to José or Ernesto,” says Eusabius.
“Z, in all honesty?” asks Eusabius.
“Hm… you know what this calls for,” says Maria.
Eusabius looked up at him. “I take it you have never danced to music before,” he says.
“I don’t know,” Florestan says.
“Aliens?” Florestan asks.
He shrugs.
“Yes,” says Eusabius.
And a case for the Repetitive Department of Repetition:
And immediately, one of the men seated at the table immediately stood up.
But with the third immediately I wonder whether this is intentional. Is there a joke I don’t get?
“Is that so?”I ask. Are you secretly Eusabius?
Eusabius then placed his head in this palm. There’s a “t” too much?
“Stranger for me,” I comment. So now you are secretly Zerenze?
“Of course,” Eusabius said as lightly tapped Zerenze’s bottom, smirking playfully. There’s a “he” missing?
“I have a PS3 in one of my bags,” I comment. Wave Crest? I’m beginning to see a system here. Now I wait for you secretly being Florestan.
I have to take a break before I dare to read the other interlude.
HG -
Ah crapballs! by
on 2013-10-18 21:08:00 UTC
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Damn, I did not notice that. Sorry! I'll get on that right away!
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This is beautiful. by
on 2013-10-18 19:04:00 UTC
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The tender moments were wonderfully done, and the emotions were all so very real. It was touching and sweet, both of them, but it kept the humour that is so very PPC. Watching
Zerenze trying to figure out 1940's Havana and interacting with Eusabius is utterly adorable, and I definitely ship them. The Ilraen-Cindy conversation was also very sweet, as well as Xanthus going to check on Annie. I have to admit I don't know much about your agents' backstory, but I really didn't need to, which is a good thing.
Great interludes!
-Aila -
Thank you! by
on 2013-10-18 21:30:00 UTC
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I'm so glad you liked the interludes!
Yeah, the Ilraen-Cindy conversation was fun to do. Thank Neshomeh for that one, actually: it's very easy to cowrite with her, and Ilraen is just... there are so many great things you can bounce off of him, so it kind of just flows naturally once you really get into the groove, you know?
Thanks once again!