it wuz good sotry i guess but kinda eh and not really connected

((OH. MY. EVER LOVING GODDESS. I JUST LOVE THIS SO MUCH.
Also this bit: "Morgan was trying to sneak Captain Kirk into the department"
I wonder if DawnFire ever mentioned to you about her Time Lord Agent's future regenerations, but Chris Pine's face is one of them... ;) ))

Your friend stole my idea to insert good stuff into TOS, and only credited DawnFire and Lily! (Who are they, anyway? I didn’t see their names here.) I feel offended.

((Don’t listen to him. I seriously admire your ability to come up with so much good stuff on short notice. And even he, although he would like to, is not able to flame you for building a non-canonical ship.))

((Please pretend both halves of this were in the same post. They will be on fanficWorld))

Summary: Jay and Acacia are legendary, but nobody is perfect. So, the most badass agents of a newly formed department go out to set things right.
Genre: humor/parody
Rating: PG-13 for implied violence and abuse

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the PPPC. But Androiaavata is mine!

Acacia grinned. "Depends on who you ask. Remember I started out in the Slash Department?"

“STOP! Have a break!” a male voice shouted with a thick German accent. (A/N: His universal translator is broken. LOL)

The assassins whirled around to gaze at the portal that had just popped into existence behind their backs. A grey-bearded man, wearing rectangular spectacles and clutching a voluminous book to his chest, had stepped out of it, followed by a young woman with very long, very pointy ears, holding a staff in her hands. Both were clad in black uniforms with flash patches on their shoulders.

“More agents,” sight Jay. “Isn’t it enough that we have to keep an eye on Lux and Sean?”

Acacia drew her bow. “Agents?” she shouted. “They’re imposters! Have you ever seen a flash patch with an open book and a quill dropping red ink?”

When Jay moved to draw her bow too, the pointy-eared girl pointed her staff at her, saying menacingly “You keep quiet and don’t move. We don’t have any business with you today.”

“And you don’t even sink about notching an arrow, Acacia” added the grey-bearded agent. “My girl has magic, and she heartily dislikes everybody who intrude into worlds where say don’t belong, so she won’t hesitate to use it.” (These aren’t misspellings. Germans cannot pronounce the “th”, LOL.) To demonstrate this ability, the elf leaned her staff against her shoulder and made a weird wringing gesture with her hands, creating a ball of pure blue energy. (A/N Did you think Androiaavata is a Tolkien elf? LOL, no! She is a WoW druid and can do this kind of stuff.) Acacia lowered her bow in fear. “Dad’s better,” continued the man in a soothing voice, “now calm down and don’t worry. We aren’t imposters, we are with se Department of Inaccuracies and have a job to do. Miss Byrd, will you please step forward?”

“Never heard of this,” murmured Acacia under her breath, but despite the weird pronunciation there was a certain kind of power in this voice she just couldn’t disobey. So she stepped forward, eyes cast down and anxiously awaiting what was to come.

“I’m so sorry I have to do sis,”, said the bearded man, “because you know, you are quite legendary in my time, but – AVAUNT!” he shouted suddenly, thwacking Acacia above the head with his heavy book, “Spirit of inaccuracy! It’s the Department of *Bad* Slash!”

“I admire how you manage to say the stars,” whispered the she-elf-who-wasn’t-an-elleth, giving him an admiring look.

“Asterisk,” hissed the man, “se word you are looking for is asterisk. We will have to work on your vocabulary when we are back at our response center.” The tall warrior-sorceress seemed to shrink under his piercing gaze. “We are done here,” he addressed the assassins again, “continue your mission now.” And with this, the two correctors stepped back through the portal, which fizzled out of existence immediately.

Jay blinked. “Where were we before these two jerks interrupted us?”

“Remember I started out in the Bad Slash Department?" Acacia reminded her helpfully.

"Ah. Yes." Jay nodded. "However, I KNOW Sir Ian McKellan's -hem- preferences, whereas Tolkien really made all of his charactehs ratheh sexless.”

AN: So what do you think? Plz R+R! LOL, I don’t even know what’s meant by this, but everybody writes it at the end of their stories.

(I thought about accusing them to have inspired the Department of Author Correction when they exorcized an Author Wraith. “There’s no author in the story, stupid! It’s a slash demon!” But I couldn’t find the place where replacing a single word would change history and save us all. It may not even be in TOS. Do any of you Oldbies remember when and where the first Author Wraith was exorcized?)

((OOC: My hubris should really be quarantined in a very secure place. But you asked for it.))

Author note: This part wound up possibly a little squicky. Especially if you don't like seafood, I guess.

Krisstopher opened a portal into the Goblin Town, and activated the Somebody Else's Problem Field to keep the goblins from seeing her. The goblins were singing their theme song, and due to my disappointment at the amount of singing in Peter Jackson's The Hobbit, the lyrics will now be reproduced in their entirety.

And you damn well better sing along out loud.

Swish, smack! Whip crack!
Smash, grab! Pinch, nab!
You go, my lad!
Ho, ho! my lad!

The black crack! the back crack!
The black crack! the back crack!
Down down to Goblin-town
Down down to Goblin-town
Down down to Goblin-town
You go, my lad!
Ho, ho! my lad!

Goblins quaff, and Goblins beat
Goblins laugh, and Goblins bleat
Batter, jabber, whip, and taver hoooooo!
Below, my lad!
Ho, ho! my lad!

The black crack! the back crack!
The black crack! the back crack!
Down down to Goblin-town
Down down to Goblin-town
Down down to Goblin-town
You go, my lad!
Ho, ho! my lad!

As the goblins sang, Krisstopher wandered deeper and deeper into the caves, until she reached Gollum's lair on the underground lake. Gollum was committing an act of violence against a goblin, just as the Mirror of Galadriel foretold. Krisstopher watched Bilbo pick up the One Ring and then approach Gollum.

While the canons riddled each other, Krisstopher gazed up at the ceiling, where the Mirror had shown the keyhole. But everything was still dark.

"A poisoned arrow?" guessed Bilbo.

"No, my Precious, but close!"

"A venomous serpent?"

"Oh, almost!"

"A giant Heartless!"

"No, no, my Precious! You're getting colder again!"

"No, I mean there's a giant Heartless behind you!"

Gollum and Krisstopher both turned to see a gigantic fish-like Heartless rising out of the water. It had a sharp shark mouth and needle-pointed fins.

Gollum's eyes looked even bigger in his head. "Dear sweet Eru in the Timeless Halls." He licked his lips gratuitously. "We are eating WELL tonight my Prcious, yes!"

Krisstopher leaped at the Heartless but it heaved its fat body out of the water and then splashed back down, knocking her back onto Gollum's island with a great big wave!

Gollum launched himself at the Heartless, latching on to its scales and lowering his mouth to its flesh.

Krisstopher turned white. "That's, uh . . . that's not the appropriate way to battle a Heartless."

But Gollum had already eaten his way inside and couldn't hear. The monster began to flail, the raced around through the water frantically for a few seconds. It eventually crashed into the island and laid still.

A bulge appeared at the top of the Heartless' head just before Gollum ate his way out of it. He gave the hobbit and the agent a wide, red grin.

"Well," said Bilbo as he dropped the One Ring and all his travelling gear on the ground. "I think I've seen quite enough of what goes on outside the Shire. I'm going home."

As Bilbo searched for the cave's exit and Gollum started making horrible slurping noises, the keyhole appeared, shining down from the roof. Krisstopher half-heartedly summoned her keyblade and aimed it at the keyhole, closing it with a beam of light.

Then she used it again, trying to ignore the munching sounds behind her while she opened a portal directly to the Department of Fictional Psychology.

Krisstopher arrived in Rivendell, just like 85% of PPC agents going to Middle-earth. She walked up the building to the terrace where the Council of Elrond would be. (85% of PPC agents have this route memorized.) When Krisstopher got there, all the regular canons were in their seats, and two lines of other people were on both sides. One contained a long line of Mary Sues, and the other shorter line contained 85% of all PPC agents.

On the Sue side, Elladan said, "Now serving number 1,472." A Sue hobbit presented one of those number tickets shaped like a tongue to him and entered the canon area.

On the PPC side, Elrohir said, "Now serving number 31." Agents Rosie and Nenya gave their own number to him and hid behind a pillar.

A dwarf handed Gimli a new unbroken axe, and the hobbits other than Frodo hid behind a different pillar from the agents. Elrond rubbed his temples and said, "Let us begin once more, everyone, from the top . . ."

Krisstopher turned to the reader. "It's more efficient for everyone this way."

But then the skies darkened and a ringwraith flew down! "Behold, the power of the tenth ringwraith! The power of the Heartless!"

Alec Troven whispered, "If it's the power of the Heartless, it's not really the tenth ringwraith's power, is it?"

Elrond closed his eyes. "At least the numbers will match for once."

Heartless like crows started to swoop down from the sky. "Hey," said the Sue hobbit, "this isn't what I came for!"

"Yeah," said a wild men Sue. "Wait in line like the rest of us."

As the Sues and canons began to fire arrows at the Heartless, Megan said, "The Sues can't have all the fun!"

The Heartless army lasted seconds before the onslaught of canons, Sues and agents. A group of faerie Sues pulled the extra ringwraith Sue to the ground where she was killed by . . . let's say Glorfindel. He never gets to do much.

Krisstopher used her keyblade to kill the last, hurt Heartless flapping on the ground. "I contributed!"

"You have much more to contribute Krisstopher the Key," said Galadriel, walking up behind her. In Krisstopher's head, she heard Galadriel say more: "You seek the keyhole, agent Krisstopher."

Krisstopher rattled her head around. "You sound like the Flowers."

"Come with me, Krisstopher. Come to the mirror."
* * *
After Galdriel and Krisstopher applied makeup to each other at Galadriel's mirror, they turned to the Mirror of Galadriel. The elf poured water inside, and an image appeared: a yellow, rectangular man making obnoxious laughing noises which bubbled up from the Mirror.

"What is this?" asked Krisstopher.

"A terrible future, beyond our power to prevent," said Galdriel. She waved her hand. "What you seek lies in the past." The keyhole appeared, a beautiful, shimmering white that bathed light down on the little island below, where Gollum was brutally murdering a goblin.

Krisstopher bowed. "Thank you, Lady Galadriel of the Light of the Wood of the Galadhrim of--"

"Just go," Galadriel said, waving her hands in Krisstopher's face. "Please."

((Yeah, this degenerated into parody pretty quickly. I don't think I'm very good at badficcery.

Also, I demand someone write that fight scene in excruciatingly loving detail.))

Krisstopher arrived at the battle of Tumhalad, where Túrin Turambar in his dragon helm led an army of elves against an army of orcs. But fighting with the orcs were Heartless! At the back of Morgoth's army was a Mary Sue elf dressed all in black. She waved a hand, and more armored knight Heartless appeared and charged the elves.

Krisstopher charged into battle! She ran the armies, killing Heartless and orcs as she got closer to the Mary Sue. Finally, she reached the Sue at the opening of a ravine.

"Bainthoreth!"

The Sue turned to face Krisstopher, but her eyes were white and empty. A deep chuckle sounded around them and another, huge pair of eyes appeared in the air behind the Sue.

"Is that what it's called?" asked Glaurung, the dragon becoming visible again, filling the ravine entrance. "Such useful creatures, these Baintoreth, when put to the right purpose." He waved his claw, and the Sue did the same, and three wyvern Heartless appeared.

Krisstopher jumped up and spun around in a circle, hitting all three Heartless with the keyblade and killing them all.

"Hmph. Well those were no true dragons." Glaurung made a pushing motion with his claw, and the Sue slid out of the way like on a track. "I will show you a dragon's true power!" He opened his mouth and breathed fire at Krisstopher.

Krisstopher jumped out of the way, shouting, "Glaurung!"

"What?"

"I was swearing. Sorry."

"Ah."

Glaurung blew fire again, but Krisstopher ran back to where she had been before. The dragon moved his head to follow her, and Krisstopher ran straight past the Sue so that Glaurung's fire burned her up by mistake.

The Heartless all disappeared from the battlefield. Glaurung roared. "I wasn't done with that! Oh well. The orcs have already won."

Krisstopher asked, "Where can I find the keyhole?"

Glaurung snorted. "In children stories." He stared into Krisstopher's eyes, and she was stuck staring back. "I must go meet Túrin. You won't trouble me again."

The dragon disappeared, and Krisstopher was stuck for a while before she could move again. When she could, she said, "I need to look somewhere else for the keyhole." She opened a portal to somewhere else in Middle-earth and walked through.

Agent Krisstopher woke up her RC regular time. She showered and ate breakfast before checking the console for any new missions. There was a scary message from Barbosa the misspelled monkey!

(Krisstopher dislikes plants, just like me, so she has it set where she only has to talk to Barbosa instead of the Flowers, even though she's not in the DTE. Monkeys are cool!)

The message said, "Agent Krisstopher, help! We have a big problem, and only your keyblade can help us! Please come to my office as soon as you have time!"

So Krisstopher brushed her teeth quickly and immediately summoned her keyblade, not wanting to waste any time. Her keyblade was silver and gold and violet and blue and green and purple, all in tiger stripes, and the handle was made of jungle wood, and the keychain was a cat paw and the part that would go inside a door is like lion teeth. (Big cats are cool too!) She pointed the keyblade to the air and made a portal to Barbosa's office. (Krisstopher doesn't do portals the PPC way because keyblades are better.)

In Barbosa's office, Barbosa shrieked. "All the agents are scared and complaining! The Mary Sues have learned to control the Heartless! They're sending them out to every world!"

Krisstopher gasped. "How can that happen?"

Barbosa shrugged his little monkey arms. "I don't know, plotholes? Anyway, you, Krisstopher, are the only PPC agent with a keyblade. (Agent Lunac doesn't count! He stole all of his from Sues!) You need to go to all the non-Kingdom Hearts worlds and seal the keyholes!"

"OK! I will go to Middle-earth right now!"

"Middle-earth certainly needs the attention. However, I would consider it a personal favor if you would go directly into Pirates of the--"

Krisstopher opened a portal to Middle-earth and stepped through.

This is sooo good! And I wanna see what person it is!

Bay bye
-DAzz

Epilogue, sort of, or An Exercise in Meta and Badfic

((Somewhat obviously inspired by the 'hacker' in the Jaycacia stories and in some of Lilith Wyldenbrooke's as well. Hope no one minds :) Enjoy the near-total lack of brainmelting writing...))

Edit: a/n ok, so this is the weird bit that got added in that mi friend thought was hilariousss. I hate these guys and idek why they’d bother hacking my stori to put this in, but you can read it anywayz cuz at least one person thought it was funny!! I mean, I don’t, but someone should have fun, right?? Enjoyyyy!!!!!! Or, u know, hunt them down and flam them. Like I said, I don’t like them. At all. But maybe you should see how it happened…~DW~*
--
Agent Dawn McKenna spun her chair to the side so that she could look at her author (chronicler?) rather than the computer screen. “This? Seriously, this?”

DawnFire shrugged. “Look, it’s…well, it’s weird, but…”

“Weird?” Dawn crossed her arms, glaring. “Who wrote this rubbish? Genderbent!Jay, downtrodden!Acacia, agent romances, agent/Flower romances, the complete destruction—or at least, rampant misuse—of Shakespeare’s work, and one of the strangest, most useless fusions of Twilight and The Hunger Games that I’ve ever seen—that’s not just weird, DawnFire. This—this is badfic. Of the PPC. Why does it exist?”

DawnFire shrugged. “It just does. It’s one of those Board secrets—sometimes we know why it’s there, and sometimes we don’t. For instance, right now I know that Huinesoron and Lily Winterwood and several other people have recently revived the Multiverse Monitor, and that I wrote myself into a Blackout Interlude, but I also remember being in that Blackout Interlude, and not knowing what was going on. Now, I think we may have something to do with the PPC badfic, but then again—who knows?” She peered at the screen. “It says this was written by someone named DuskWater.”

“That’s suspiciously like your name,” Dawn pointed out.

“It is?” DawnFire frowned. “Well, yeah, I guess…I mean, if you change Dusk for Dawn, and Water for Fire—wait, I know where that came from!”

“You do?” Dawn leaned forward, interested.

“Yes! It’s—” DawnFire grimaced. “Nope, it’s gone. No idea.” She shrugged. “I guess it’s another of those things…” And then she paused, blinking. “Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something?”

“Because I saw this awesome film called Men in Black, or something like that, and then I totally borrowed a neuralyzing thingy from the PPC, only it broke, so I stole some Retcon from Torchwood instead!” came an unexpected voice from the doorway. The writer and the Assassin both turned hurriedly, and stared.

Now, DawnFire and Dawn were quite similar in appearance. They both had light brown hair (although DawnFire’s was cut short, whereas Dawn’s was long and braided), and blue-green eyes (although DawnFire wore glasses, while Dawn had opted for getting contacts from Medical). They were roughly the same height. Dawn was somewhat more in shape, and wore black to DawnFire’s current blue. But this newcomer…

The newcomer was several inches shorter than both Dawn and DawnFire, placing her at just under five feet. Her light brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail. She carried a cell phone, which she occasionally typed on, and wore dark green capris, sandals, and a Harry Potter t-shirt. Her blue-green eyes were glasses-less and sparkled madly as she grinned at the two human occupants of the Room at the Board.

Except for the t-shirt and the cell-phone, she greatly resembled DawnFire and Dawn as each had been at around fifteen years old.

“Hi!” she chirped. “I’m DuskWater.”

“You wrote this rubbish?” Dawn pointed at the screen, torn between annoyance and amusement. “Why would you bother?”

“It’s not rubbish!” DuskWater looked rather hurt. “It’s a work of art. I worked really hard on it.”

“It’s…it’s complicated, I’ll give you that,” DawnFire said slowly, “but it’s pretty far from good.”

“It’s good mission material,” Dawn put in. “Or possibly good material for inspiring a stampede of furious PPC agents. But that’s about it.”

DuskWater pouted, the expression disconcertingly similarly to Dawn’s. “You’re mean. You’re not supposed to be mean, you’re supposed to like me.”

DawnFire winced. “Listen…”

Dawn sighed. “Kiddo, nothing against you, but where I come from we’d call you a badfic writer. Probably a Suethor, too. And, well, considering what the organization I work for actually does…we’re not exactly inclined to like Suethors or badficcers. And DawnFire here’s a writer. She doesn’t particularly like bad writing unless it’s being mocked.”

DuskWater stomped her foot. “My writing’s not bad! My writing is good! And you know it! You’re just jealous!”

DawnFire blinked. “Um…no, actually, I can quite honestly say that I’m not. Sorry.”

Dawn snorted. “Sweetheart, we’d have to like your writing to be jealous. And—no, that’s rude, sorry.”

“My writing is awesome!”

“You paired me with the SO! I’m going to have nightmares!”

“Calm down!” DawnFire put what she hoped was a calming hand on the Assassin’s shoulder. “Look, um, DuskWater, I’m all for encouraging young writers. Any writers, really. But…maybe you could listen to some concrit from us? Trust me when I say we know what we’re talking about. Dawn here works, um, improving bad writing for a living—”

“Some living,” Dawn interjected. “No frills or furbelows—”

“Yes, thank you—and I actually belong to a group that specializes in this sort of thing. Believe me, I’ve been where you are. Sort of. Mostly in IMing. But seriously, we can help you.”

“I don’t need help!” DuskWater was starting to cry now. “My writing is good! People tell me so! And—and I thought—” She broke off to sniffle. “I thought you’d like me! Why don’t you like me?”

“Let me reiterate,” Dawn said, getting to her feet. “You paired me with the Sunflower Official. And completely character replaced Jim Kirk in all of two lines into the bargain. Not to mention everything else, of which there are numerous faults. Do you even realize how much Bleepolate I’m going to need to get through this??”

“Dawn.” DawnFire pulled the older woman back into her chair. “Excessive punctuation won’t help. Calm down.” She looked up at DuskWater, doing her best to ignore the now-sulking agent. “We—we do like you. I mean, I’m sure we would if we knew you a bit better.” Dawn snorted, and looked away rebelliously. “It’s just that we really don’t like what you wrote. At all. It…kind of hurt to read, to be honest.”

“I hate you!” DuskWater screamed, and DawnFire flinched backwards, narrowly avoiding losing her balance. Dawn just blinked. “We could have been friends, but no, you had to insult me and call my writing awful! I hate you!”

“We never insulted you—” DawnFire tried, but the fifteen-year-old was beyond reason.

“You’re going to regret this,” she sobbed. “I’ll make sure you do. You’re going to regret this day for the rest of your lives!” And she ran out the door, slamming it behind her.

DawnFire stared after her. “Oh no. She doesn’t seem too happy…should we, um, go after her, or something?”

Dawn shrugged, beginning to cheer up. “Probably nothing will come of it. The PPC has the Creativity Shield, y’know. She’ll just write a couple of angry rants, maybe write about the SO docking my pay—such as it is—for a couple of years, and then it’ll blow over. Hey, what else is on here?” She peered at the computer screen again, tapping several keys. “Jaycacia? Who or what l’azazel is Jaycacia? Wait, didn’t DuskWater mention that in one of her A/Ns…?”

“Oh—no, hey, you don’t want to click that, it’s about an über-Sue who marries the SO and takes over HQ and kills Acacia who’s evil—”

Dawn gaped at her. “What the everloving Merlin—”

“I know, but it’s kind of hilarious if you ignore the brainbreaking aspect, and the reaction shots are wonderful—Oh, hey, here’s something about Eledhwen and Christianne! Let’s read about them, shall we?” She clicked hurriedly on the link labeled ‘The Queen and the Detective’ and started to read.

“Um, DawnFire, I don’t think the spelling bodes too well—RADAGAST ON A BEIGE GALLIFREY! CLICK THE BACK BUTTON, NOW!” She seized the machine and suited actions to words, shuddering.

“‘Radagast on a beige Gallifrey’?” DawnFire repeated, giggling. “It’s that bad? Seriously? All I got was ‘purrly plate tonic’ and a really long-looking console BEEP…”

“Trust me,” Dawn said, scrolling down the page, “if you’ve ever met Eledhwen or Christianne…you really don’t want those mental images.”

DawnFire blinked at her. “What mental images? It was seriously that bad?”

“I got as far as ‘black metal bikini’ and ‘tied up’,” Dawn said, and gave an actual full-body shudder. “Believe me, you don’t want to know.”

“Oh, that one!” DawnFire exclaimed. “I remember that one! It wasn’t so horrible, it had a force field of logic or somesuch—it was pretty hilarious, actually.”

Dawn stared at her incredulously, shook her head, and turned back to the screen. “These are people I know. These are people I work with. I could use less-traumatizing badfic.” She stopped scrolling, and blinked. “Someone…someone genderbent the Marquis de Sod and wrote him—uh, her—a—a romance fic. What.”

DawnFire grinned at her. “Just like being back in Intelligence, huh?”

“No.” Dawn glared at the writer. “It’s quickly shaping up to be worse—oh Merlin, please tell me I don’t have to go into these stories—”

“No, no,” DawnFire soothed. “I mean—well, no, you don’t. I think.” She frowned. “An AU version of you may, though? I’m not even sure. No, that’s not it…I don’t know. One of those there-and-gone-again things, I think.” She sighed. “Here, why don’t we look at something good? We could, we could watch some Doctor Who…or Torchwood, maybe, I want to check something in that—”

Dawn hesitated, but finally sighed and sat back in her chair. “Alright. Pull it up.”

“Wonderful!” DawnFire grinned at her, and reached out to rest her fingers on the keys. “Torchwood, coming right up…”

Dawn’s mouth started to pull itself up in a smile. “The twenty-first century is when everything changes…”

“…and Torchwood is ready!” DawnFire finished, tapping some more. “Here we go!”

She leaned back in her chair and pulled some popcorn out of a plothole as the episode began.

Edit: a/n isn’t it leik totally insane how I ended up in thereee??? I mean it was so dumb how it happenedd. They were supposed to loove meee!@!!!!!!! I mean, I actually liked them!! I admired them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, I even put one of tehm in mi sotiryy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought we were going to be friens and they totally shut me down. I hate them now. They’re gonna pay. I HAT TEHM!!!!!
I LOv u guys though so r&r and go check out my other storiess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cookies for everyoneeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~DW~****

Chapter2!!! Don’t Rain On Myyyyyyy Parrrrrrraaaaaaade!!
CUT TO THE GAMES!
(an: they totally becaame alleys with Luxury while we weren’t looking, kk? So she’s part of teh plot now!!!)

LET TEH GAMES BEGIN! Vulturius Ceasar yelled. He wore a magnificent Saratoga and was surrounded by adoring Yellow Roses. They stroked his petals and fronds, but he ignored them; he had a girlfriend! And he was ottally faithful to her!

“Beware the ides of March!” Cyba Zero whispered. “Now is the winter of our discontent! I say we CHARGE! Jay?”

“To me, fair friend, you never can be old for as you were when first your eye I eyed, such seems your beauty still,” Jay replied. Acacy sat down on the arena floor with a thump. “Charging is the best idea I’ve ever heard! Now let it work. Mischief, thou art afoot. Take thou what course thou wilt!” And he led them in a charge towards Vulturius Ceasar the Sunfllower, yelling “COME ON ACY!”

Acacia ran after him, sobbing. All the other contestants followed: The Disentangler pulled the Agent along by his arm; Infinity dragged Ilraen who had Nume attached to his tail; Jeanlily and Jill Greenleaf skipped along, arm in arm; Justin Agent stumped along pulling Kestrel (I love taht name!!!!!) while Lena Montrose ran along calling to Louise, who no one else could see (see? I totally read teh comics!!!). And there were a lot of other peple, too like Cali and Cadmar and Morgan and Narcolepsy and Obsidian and Ontic Laison and Phi Six and Rhysdux and Rosalie and Skuld and the all-powerful Miss Cam! And lots more but I won’t mention them all. But they were all running to take down Vulturius Ceasar.

The Praetors of the Empire were totally afraid. Praetor Suicide hugged Prator Christianne (aren’t they like the best couple everrr??) and Eledhwen (shes just a servant here kk its totally tragik) turned away sobbing bc she liked Prator Suicide as well (PLOT TWIST!!!!!!!!!) and Praetor Alec Trrevelyan kissed Kitty Callahand (who was also a wersvant!!) (they were totally meant to be togetherr!1) and so on. And then…the attack hit!

But before anyone got hurt, a voice boomed, “GLORY IS LIKE A CIRCLE IN THE WATER WHICH NEVER CEASETH TO ENLARGE ITSELF TILL BY BROAD SPREADING IT DISPERSE TO NOUGHT! I AM THE TRUE VULTURIUS CEASAR! THE ONE YOU’RE ATTACKING IS JUST A DECOY—HE’S MY BOYFRIEND! AND HE’S ONLY DOING THIS TO PROTECT ME!!! STOP ATTACKIGN HIM!”

Everyone turned, and gasped. It was…DAWN MCKENNA!!!

A/N;; TOTOAL PLOT TWIST, RITE?? R&R IF YOU WANT ME TO WRITE MORE!!! DUSKWATER OUT!

Will they live happily ever affter? Will the SO and Dawn prevail? Here’s a preview of the next chappie!

“Jay and Acy are getting arried, but don’t give them presents, cuz Acy totally hates them,” former Praetor Constance Sims said.

Fomer revolutionary Charlotte (I leik that name so much better than Charlie! She should use it all the time!!) Shoesies giggled. “That’s exactly why we should give them some! Jay likes them, anyway, so who cares what Acacy thinks?”

“It was sow weird how Dawnie turned out to be Vulturius Ceasar, wasn’t it?” sighed Karen DuLay, who was just randomly hanging around the palace. “I mean, like, the SO—I mean, her boyfriend—well, he deserves so much better than her, dontcha think??”

“No,” sniffled Jim Kirk (he’s totally in this too!!) “he deserves worse than some stupid emotions-manipulating chicklit. He deserves me!!!”

“I can see the future,” desclared Tolkein the mini-fiery demon. “and you’re destined for…someone else!!”

“Nooooooooooo! Jim wailed. “I waaaaaaaant him!”

“But you’re totally meant to be with—”

CLIFFIE! R&R TO FIND OUT MORE!!!
Edit: sorry but, liek I never wrote more. I didn’t get enough awesome reviews and some meanies made me promise to stop writing this anyway. But I’ve got moar stories!!! Check them outtttttttttt!!!!!!!!!1 ~DW~*
Edit: PS: their’s one more part comingg!!! It’s the part my frien liked so I left it in but its not really about jay and acacia. Stay tunedd anyway, though!! You may be one of those ppl who likes it…~DW~*

Title: Game of Romes
Summary: Genderbent Byrdtree in Rose with the Hunger Games and Twilyght! My first PPC fanfic, plz be nice and check out my newer ones…full summary inside! ~DW~*
Genre: Crossover, Genderbender, Byrdtree, Romance, Adventure, Hurt/Comfort, Suspense, Action, Meta
Rating: PG-13

A/N; Ok, so basically, a Genderbender (from Avatar, it’s totally, like, the 7th form of ’Bending there) turned Jay (from the PPC, aren’t they awesome?) into a guy, and he tried to Bend Acacia, too, but he missed and this all takes place in an AU where they live in the Hunger Games, only it’s kind of like all those bad things people say about Twilight, and they live in ancient Rome and they have to save the day!!! R&R! This is my first PPC fanfic, so be nice!!
Edit: Oh, and if you enjoyed this one, go check out my other Byrdtree fanfic! It also has Jay as a guy, only it’s not AU like this one, it’s all about their missions and how they’d change!!
(Don’t you think it would be awesome if we could call this ship Thornbyrd or Jaycacia? I totally would, except someone else wrote this awesome fanfic about a girl named Jaycacia Thornbyrd, so I can’t, because then we’d all think I was talking about her and not the awesomenss that is Jay/Acacia!! hehehe XDD)

Disclaimer: I don’t own the PPC, but I wish I did, because then Jay and Acy would totally have been a couple!! And the SO would be nicer and he’s have a girlfirend and everyone in HQ would be totally happy all the time!! I also don’t own Avatar the last Airbender, it belongs to some successful TV people. And now, on with the story!!

A/N again! Look, I wwrymed! Okay, so listen, tihs is actually one of my older sotryes and something happened to it idek what. But I thought I shoould post it anyways cuz my friend read it adn totally thought it was hilarious!!! So here it is!!!! Enjoy!!! R&R plz!!

Chapter1:: Shoot to Thrillllll!!!
a/n: so we’re totally donna skip the part where Jay gets generbent kk?

“Noooooooo!” Acacia screamed. She shot at the Genderbender, but missed. She started to cry. “Nooooo…..”

“Acy!” Jay shot to his feet, stumnling. “I’ll save you, Acy!” He tackled the Genderbender…who dissolved into dust! “What—”

“Jay!” Acacia ran over, still crying. “Are you okay? I thought you were dead! I can’t—I can’t live without you, Jay…”

“You should stay away from me, Acy,” Jay said in his new deep voice. “I’m dangerous. And—and the Reaping is today…”

“But—but you can save us!” Acacia said. “I know you can! If you get in, you’ll totally overthrow Vulturius Ceasar and save all of Rome! And then—nd then maybe we could get married…and…” she whispered “and maybe you could ‘bend me...too…”

“That can’t happen!” Jay smoldered at his partner. “Don’t you get it? I can’t! I’m not a bender, they’re from Avatar!”

“But you could catch another one!” Acy threw her arms around Jay. “Oh, do say you will, darling.”

Jay smoldered some more, and patted Acy on the head. “Of course I will, my sweet. Anything for you.”

He was just leaning to finally kiss her, when—

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! CALL TO THE REAPING! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! (a/n that’s so liek clever dontcha thinik? hehehehe!)

CUT TO THE REAPING!
“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” Jay whispered. “Thou art ore lovely and more gempereate—”

“LET’S HAVE ONE OTHER GAUDY NIGHT: CALL TO ME! JAY THORNTREE, THOU ART CHOSEN!”

The audience gasped as the dreaded Daffyd Illian read out the summons!

“Jay, it’s you!” Acacia gasped. “Oh, do be careful, darling!”

“Don’t be silly Acy.” Jay replied manfully. “Come what come may time and the hour runs through the roughest day!” and he strode up to the stage, ignoring Acy’s sobs. She was just having a weak moment; she knew this had to happen. She knew that Vulturius Ceasar must be overthrown!

“Time will bring on summer when briers shall have leaves as well as thorns, and be as sweet as sharp!” shrieked Praetor Christianne of the Empire. “Acacia Byrd, thou must come as well!”

Acy gasped, sobbed, and then ran into Jay’s arms. The loers kissed bravely as the audience exploded in cheers and sobs for the brave ones going off to face…the dreadful dreaded EMPIRE OF ROM!!!

a/n What do you think???? Lt me nkow!!!1 r&r please!!! Should I continue??
Edit: obvsly I continued. But r’n’r anywayz!!! I love reviews!!!!!!! And I love u if you review!!! I’ll give you virtual brownies…mwah! ~DW~*

((A couple people have posted "reviews" asking about what actually happens in what I termed "the purple fic". In the event that you are genuinely confused outside of character as well: one thing actually happens in the purple fic. Originally, it was supposed to have a basic plot that I intended to prolong over about 100 words: Agent Smithers portals into... someplace, walks down a road, enters a building, and kills a man inside with his shotgun. However, I ran out of steam before any of this could happen, so literally the only thing that occurs in the entire chapter is that Smithers steps through the portal.))

thats' pretty kewl an i liek teh fact what you used teh long words also teh meterfor abut teh road bean like a foresaken woman whod had wrong done to her was good jus one tehng Im' not sure teh vidict can expostulate inot teh aramanthine gloaming be/c I think teh coluor youre thinjkning of is closer to alizarine b/c the sunset isnt' aramanthine but aprat taht its' good

((What? You thought just because she can't write or spell to save her life she was stupid? Shame on you))

((Also, she is a bit stupid - Alizarin crimson isn't really a sunset colour either. Maybe something closer to a carmine...))

I love how you used so many cool words that don't really get used in normal conversations!!j that's really so cool. Adn I could totally follow it!!

**makes a note of a bunch of cool new words to use!**

~DW~*

But it sure sounds like something cool did! Maybe you should uyse author's notes or something. Those always help!

Peace out!

Dood, what's wrong with you/ This thing is so confusing it sux balls. srsly, whats with all of those biggish words?

Hey, I can do that to!

A female of the species homo sapiens, representing the reviewer, upon the culmination of a procedure which is noteworthy for its appliance of perusal as utilized on a solitary construct of literature whose sentences numbered greater than one but less than three, deliberated through cranial processes the statement reproduced hereafter: "Almighty being of indeterminate actuality, the presented narration is incontrovertibly dissatisfactory, and in like manner a disorienting fog compiled to the greatest extent through the medium of prepublished lexicon beacons!"

That took me a half-hour to write. I suspect its crud.

((First, all the stories, reviews and profiles are archived on fanficWorld. Anything dated to before 2013 is from last year))

((Alternately, if that doesn't work... well, the usernames from the Badfic Game don't show up very often on the Board, so the Search function is ideal. This is the 2012 thread.))

((hS))

I love your story! The way your characterize Kirk and Spock is awesome and the ending is totes dramatic. Looking forward for more!

Peace out!

And everyone's perfect! What's gonna happen next! Update Update Upade! Or Ill kill you!

Bye Bye!
Dazz

((Okay, I so want to see this AU. And I don't even know Star Trek very well at all.))

I'm so sorry someone plagiarized your story! They are so horrible! Yours is the original and very best!

tl:dr. Also, my father likes Star Trek, which permamently disqualifies it from my personal canon of awesome stuff.

STAR TREK AND THE PPC ARE MY TWO FAVORITE THINGS AND YOU COMBINED THEM OMIGOSH CAN I WRITE GLITTER TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SO INSPIRED BY YOU YOU ARE THE MOST AMAZING WRITER EVER!!!!!!! PLEASE UPDATE SOON!!!!!!!

((That reaction is 100% genuine, by the way. I literally started squealing and jumping up and down. You are awesome, Lily.))

I reely lieked yuor sotrt only one thin Krik and Spork arent's in th PPC OH WAIT I REMBER YOU yor the one who lieks to put ppl in teh PPC who arnt in it so tahts' ok.

((Yes, she can remember that. I'm as surprised as you))

U have to tell me how u made it so shourt! Becasue the original is soooo long! It took me a MONTH to read! But this is SO short! Ur amazing!

Bye, bye,
Dazz

Wow! This is amazing! We have actually received a fanfic posting from an alternate universe where the rules of coherency do not apply!

What is it like in your world? How do people speak to each other when words have different meanings and spellings in each sentence? What sound does the ; make? And above all, what happened once the Flowers became undertakers and drank all of the Sue's beer?
At least, I think that's what happened. Your otherworldly language is so far removed by my own, this story could have been talking about any number of things.

Its' prolly becus she has no lief. ok so I tihkn your story is AWSOM b/c I triee to read teh orignal sotry by hUnesoron (PS ddi you kno i'm her bigst fan?!?!?! Its' tru! Bef4 i claled mysefl JayBird on FanficLad I wus called hInesoron actually but I changed it so ppl wuldn't tihkn I was her!!!!1) but liek you sayd it as TWO LOG so its relly goo for someonw to havre pout a shortwer vsersdon up so tahnk you!!!!!!11!!

Wow. Wowwww. Way to take a facsinating subject and turn it into drivel. Like, even if you could spell, this would still be drivel. And its a shame, because I really want to read a story like these about how the PPC came about. But with writers like these, why should I bother?

CHAPTER ONE: INTRODUCTION TO COOL

THIS IS MY FIRST STORY IT IS VERY GOOD

Genre: COOL. Rating: COOL

“One… Two… Three!”

Thri-WONK!

“One… Two… Three!”

Thri-WONK!

There is a distinctive sound that is made when a DRAGON rams its head into a wall. That sound had resonated through the halls of PPC HQ fourteen-

Thri-WONK!

fifteen times in the course of the last few minutes. At an unspecified point in the hallways, not that any point could be specified the same way twice, one could find the source of this sound, one Agent VERRA. With a snort, the gargantuan DRAGON pulled away from the wall she had been charging at repeatedly, sat back on her haunches, and tried in vain to rub the front of her head. Next to her, a comparatively much smaller being stomped its foot in frustration.

“Come on!” it said, waving its arms frantically in the air. “If you don’t get to busting down this wall pronto, we aren’t going to have enough empty space to build the PPC Arcade!”

“Thanks for telling me things I already know, ALEC,” VERRA snapped, sitting back on her haunches and shaking Generic Surface dust off of herself.

“Less sarcasm, more wall-smashing!” commanded the now-identified ALEC, growing a pair of mandibles just so she could click them in irritation. Being a shapeshifter has its perks.

Snarling as well as anyone could manage with a beak, VERRA pulled herself back as far as she could in the surprisingly roomy hallway and focused her anger at the spot in the wall that had already been showing large quantities of cracks. Narrowing her eyes, she rushed at it again, her footfalls rumbling in the corridor louder than they ever had before.

THRI-WONK!

With a rumble far above, a section of the wall began to collapse in on itself. ALEC smiled and crossed her arms in satisfaction, despite having done almost none of the work, and VERRA pulled back just in time to prevent being hit by a perfectly square chunk of material. As the dust settled, however, the two DMS Agents could hear a noise from deep inside where the wall once was. It was low, menacing, and just a little ethereal, but when they focused on it just enough, they knew what it was.

It was a villainous laugh.

The Generic Dust swirled and clustered, as though it was being blown about by a very small cyclone, condensing into shapes that lasted for only a few seconds before blowing apart. All the while, the laugh continued, albeit distorted by the sounds of the swirling dust and the noise of a few more pieces of Generic Surface falling down from the ceiling. It was only when the dust settled back to the ground that ALEC and VERRA saw the source of the laugh. It was a MUSHROOM. VERRA recognized him immediately.

“The BRACKET FUNGUS!” she exclaimed with surprise.

“The who?” asked ALEC.

A COOL EVIL PERSON SAID VERRA

“Wait, if he’s dead, what was he doing in our wall?” inquired ALEC, still confused.

“FOOLS!” the BRACKET FUNGUS declared, swooping toward the Agents. “I am not dead! Not any more! But though I am a ghost, I can still act out my revenge!”

“Oh, for the whole ‘deposing and killing you’ thing?” asked VERRA.

“YES! The day I died was the worst day of my life! And now that my ghost is free from that accursed wall, I am free to make everyone in the PPC have the worst day of their lives!”

“I’ll never let you kill everyone!” VERRA declared, readying herself to attack the being hovering before her.

“Oh, no, not that,” the BRACKET FUNGUS replied dismissively. “I considered doing killing you all, true, but I think it will be a much worse day for everybody involved if you are alive at the end to reflect on what a terrible day it was.”

“I’d be lying if I said that was doing anything to convince me not to charge at you,” remarked VERRA, scraping her rearmost foot back in an intimidation technique she had learned from a long-forgotten movie.

“Just you try!” the BRACKET FUNGUS boomed. “Do you think that I will stop my righteous quest to ruin everyone’s day just because I am threatened by a reptile? My reputation as a sinister mastermind would be squashed!”

It is worth noting that he only had reached the word “righteous” before VERRA began barreling down the hallway at high speed, horns ready and several tons of prehistoric beast behind them. However, there is a reason that people rarely run headlong at ghosts, brandishing weapons of either the stabbing or thrusting varieties. Ghosts are almost gaseous in nature, and can be passed through with great ease by anyone moving at faster than a crawl. VERRA, however, had never encountered a ghost before, and so was enormously surprised when her horns, her head, and then her entire body went flying through the torso of the BRACKET FUNGUS, who continued to speak unhindered.

By the time he reached the word “mastermind”, VERRA’s head had smashed through what would have been the far wall of the PPC Arcade. The triceratops, quickly realizing her predicament, tried to free herself, but to no avail. Her bony head-frill had caused her to be stuck fast in the room beyond, and since it was one of Headquarters’s many abandoned Response Centers, no one on the other side was there to help her. The BRACKET FUNGUS had never even paused in his declaration.

“Well, that gets rid of one witness.” the ghost announced triumphantly. “I’m probably going to need to kill the other one, though, to keep the dramatic tension up. Shame.”

“Ha! Good luck!” declared ALEC with a smirk. “I’m indestructible! You can’t kill someone who’s indestructible! It’s like… a rule or something!”

“I am the BRACKET FUNGUS,” her opponent boomed. “I make the rules.”

Thrusting his arm forward, he launched a bolt of Force energy at ALEC, who reacted instinctively by shifting into a smaller form to dodge the blow. A second blast prompted a second transformation, and after a third, ALEC had shifted to the form of a small rodent, and in that size was small enough and fast enough to dodge several other Force blasts. If she had possessed the time do so, she would have gloated, but since time was short, she scampered underneath the BRACKET FUNGUS and prepared to reassume her full size and strength. However, before she could, the ghost’s eyes glowed brightly, and she was sent soaring across the hallway, crashing into a wall with an almost imperceptible thump.

Groaning, the rodent form stood up, preparing to shift to a fast-moving form and fetch reinforcements, but she found that she couldn’t shift to her preferred speed form. In fact, she couldn’t shift out of her rodent form at all.

“Man,” she said, her voice high-pitched and almost unintelligible due to her small size. “This sucks.”

The BRACKET FUNGUS floated over to her, grinning an abnormally childish grin. “Say again?”

“This sucks.”

“YEEEEEES!” the ghost shouted. “To you, I bestow the first of many terrible days! And I will not rest until the Protectors of the Plot Continuum has the collective worst day in the history of bad days!” The vengeful ghost rose into the air, laughing to himself as he phased through the ceiling.

Directly above, the ANTIGRAVITY APPLE, the Big Thorn’s younger brother, was shuffling down the hallway to see what all the crashing and smashing had been about a few minutes ago. When the laughing ghost appeared directly ahead of him, he stopped with a start, dropping his clipboard and a few other administrative devices on the floor.

How many times have I told people not to do that? he snapped. I am a Flower, and I will not have people passing through walls and floors in front of me! At least you didn’t come down from the ceiling, but mind you, that's hardly a compliment.

“Really?” asked the ghost. “Would it have made your day worse if I had?”

Undoubtedly, the ANTIGRAVITY APPLE replied.

Wordlessly, the ghost continued to float higher and higher, passing through the ceiling within seconds and promptly reversed direction, floating back down to the ANTIGRAVITY APPLE’s level and phasing through the ceiling from the opposite direction.

NOOOO! bellowed the ANTIGRAVITY APPLE. I just told you not to do that!

“BU-WA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!” the BRACKET FUNGUS laughed, back-flipping through the air in glee and lighting the ANTIGRAVITY APPLE aflame with Force lightning on the dismount. As the Flower howled in sudden pain and fled through the halls, the BRACKET FUNGUS floated leisurely in the opposite direction, brainstorming further revenge.

Gasparde de Grasse and her friends stepped out of the portal into Mordor. "Oh I don't like it here," said Monty.

"Me neither," said Alice, "even though I can fly here." To demonstrate she flew up into the air, and didn't bang her head on anything."

Agent Suicide was there too.

"I don't like it either," said Gasparde, "but sometimes in the PPC we have to go places we don't like. We are here to look at a VERY SAD story.

The fanfic was called 'A Powerful Love', and it started like this:

Frodo stumbled over a rock, weeping. "There is no hope," he said, "no hope at all."

No-one was there to hear him. After Sam had died freeing him from the Orcs, he was all alone, out in the desert of Mordor. The Ring was heavy now, whispering in his ear like a malevolent babysitter. There was no hope. No hope at all.

But... far, far above, in the dark sky, a single star gleamed. Lying on his back, Frodo stared up at it: it was Alpha Centauri, his favourite star, the one he had spent all night staring at once with his beloved she-Hobbit, Sunflower-Jay.

And all at once it was as if Sunflower-Jay was there with him, lying on the black sand of Mordor. In his mind she turned to look at him, her lips full, her eyes wide. "There is always hope, Frodo," she said, looking him right in the eyes. "Even in the darkest hour..."

"Yes," Frodo said weakly, and then, again, "Yes!" He staggered upright, his eyes fixed on the single star. "There is still hope!"

"Wow," said Thranduil the mini-Balrog, "that is a really powerful story."

"It should be!" Alice pointed out. "It's called 'A Powerful Love'!"

Agent Suicide was there too.

"Then that is a good title for it," agreed Thranduil. "I really want to find out what happens to Frodo next, and whether he ever sees his beautiful girlfriend Sunflower-Jay again."

"I'd like to, too," said Gasparde, smiling at her friends, "but we have to go on and look at the next story."

"BUT WAIT!" said Monty. "Gasparde, what about the score?"

"Oh yes!" gasped Gasparde. "I nearly forgot. You are such a good friend, Monty."

"I know," said Monty modestly.

Agent Suicide was there too.

"So I think this story is really good," Gasparde decided, "and because it is so good I think it deserves a score of 9/10!"

"Wow!" said Thranduil. "That is a really good score. Do you think there are any better stories out there?"

"I don't know," Gasparde explained. "I think we should go and find out."

You still can't spell. But even with that out of the way, this is not a good story. Your other story had a hope and a preyer, as it actually had a decent plot. This is too meta and too simple. But props for trying!

CHAPTER ONE: INTRODUCTION TO EVIL

“One… Two… Three!”

Thri-WONK!

“One… Two… Three!”

Thri-WONK!

There is a distinctive sound that is made when a triceratops rams its head into a wall. That sound had resonated through the halls of PPC HQ fourteen-

Thri-WONK!

fifteen times in the course of the last few minutes. At an unspecified point in the hallways, not that any point could be specified the same way twice, one could find the source of this sound, one Agent Marsha. With a snort, the gargantuan dinosaur pulled away from the wall she had been charging at repeatedly, sat back on her haunches, and tried in vain to rub the front of her head. Next to her, a comparatively much smaller being stomped its foot in frustration.

“Come on!” it said, waving its arms frantically in the air. “If you don’t get to busting down this wall pronto, we aren’t going to have enough empty space to build the PPC Arcade!”

“Thanks for telling me things I already know, Nara,” Marsha snapped, sitting back on her haunches and shaking Generic Surface dust off of herself.

“Less sarcasm, more wall-smashing!” commanded the now-identified Nara, growing a pair of mandibles just so she could click them in irritation. Being a shapeshifter has its perks.

Snarling as well as anyone could manage with a beak, Marsha pulled herself back as far as she could in the surprisingly roomy hallway and focused her anger at the spot in the wall that had already been showing large quantities of cracks. Narrowing her eyes, she rushed at it again, her footfalls rumbling in the corridor louder than they ever had before.

THRI-WONK!

With a rumble far above, a section of the wall began to collapse in on itself. Nara smiled and crossed her arms in satisfaction, despite having done almost none of the work, and Marsha pulled back just in time to prevent being hit by a perfectly square chunk of material. As the dust settled, however, the two DMS Agents could hear a noise from deep inside where the wall once was. It was low, menacing, and just a little ethereal, but when they focused on it just enough, they knew what it was.

It was a villainous laugh.

The Generic Dust swirled and clustered, as though it was being blown about by a very small cyclone, condensing into shapes that lasted for only a few seconds before blowing apart. All the while, the laugh continued, albeit distorted by the sounds of the swirling dust and the noise of a few more pieces of Generic Surface falling down from the ceiling. It was only when the dust settled back to the ground that Nara and Marsha saw the source of the laugh. It was a man, or at least shaped like a man, glowing blue ad wearing what appeared to have once been a white robe. Marsha recognized him immediately.

“The Mysterious Somebody!” she exclaimed with surprise.

“The who?” asked Nara.

“He used to be in charge of the PPC. Under his reign secret police filled the halls, the Flowers were like his slaves, and everyone had to refer to him by his incredibly silly title because he wouldn’t tell anyone his real name. It was a dark, dark time.”

“Mysterious Somebody is a menacing and foreboding title!” boomed the blue-tinged man, lifting his arms in the air and rising two feet off the ground.

“Wait, if he’s dead, what was he doing in our wall?” inquired Nara, still confused.

“FOOLS!” the Mysterious Somebody declared, swooping toward the Agents. “I am not dead! Not any more! But though I am a ghost, I can still act out my revenge!”

“Oh, for the whole ‘deposing and killing you’ thing?” asked Marsha.

“YES! The day I died was the worst day of my life! And now that my ghost is free from that accursed wall, I am free to make everyone in the PPC have the worst day of their lives!”

“I’ll never let you kill everyone!” Marsha declared, readying herself to attack the being hovering before her.

“Oh, no, not that,” the Mysterious Somebody replied dismissively. “I considered doing killing you all, true, but I think it will be a much worse day for everybody involved if you are alive at the end to reflect on what a terrible day it was.”

“I’d be lying if I said that was doing anything to convince me not to charge at you,” remarked Marsha, scraping her rearmost foot back in an intimidation technique she had learned from a long-forgotten movie.

“Just you try!” the Mysterious Somebody boomed. “Do you think that I will stop my righteous quest to ruin everyone’s day just because I am threatened by a reptile? My reputation as a sinister mastermind would be squashed!”

It is worth noting that he only had reached the word “righteous” before Marsha began barreling down the hallway at high speed, horns ready and several tons of prehistoric beast behind them. However, there is a reason that people rarely run headlong at ghosts, brandishing weapons of either the stabbing or thrusting varieties. Ghosts are almost gaseous in nature, and can be passed through with great ease by anyone moving at faster than a crawl. Marsha, however, had never encountered a ghost before, and so was enormously surprised when her horns, her head, and then her entire body went flying through the torso of the Mysterious Somebody, who continued to speak unhindered.

By the time he reached the word “mastermind”, Marsha’s head had smashed through what would have been the far wall of the PPC Arcade. The triceratops, quickly realizing her predicament, tried to free herself, but to no avail. Her bony head-frill had caused her to be stuck fast in the room beyond, and since it was one of Headquarters’s many abandoned Response Centers, no one on the other side was there to help her. The Mysterious Somebody had never even paused in his declaration.

“Well, that gets rid of one witness.” the ghost announced triumphantly. “I’m probably going to need to kill the other one, though, to keep the dramatic tension up. Shame.”

“Ha! Good luck!” declared Nara with a smirk. “I’m indestructible! You can’t kill someone who’s indestructible! It’s like… a rule or something!”

“I am the Mysterious Somebody,” her opponent boomed. “I make the rules.”

Thrusting his arm forward, he launched a bolt of Force energy at Nara, who reacted instinctively by shifting into a smaller form to dodge the blow. A second blast prompted a second transformation, and after a third, Nara had shifted to the form of a small rodent, and in that size was small enough and fast enough to dodge several other Force blasts. If she had possessed the time do so, she would have gloated, but since time was short, she scampered underneath the Mysterious Somebody and prepared to reassume her full size and strength. However, before she could, the ghost’s eyes glowed brightly, and she was sent soaring across the hallway, crashing into a wall with an almost imperceptible thump.

Groaning, the rodent form stood up, preparing to shift to a fast-moving form and fetch reinforcements, but she found that she couldn’t shift to her preferred speed form. In fact, she couldn’t shift out of her rodent form at all.

“Man,” she said, her voice high-pitched and almost unintelligible due to her small size. “This sucks.”

The Mysterious Somebody floated over to her, grinning an abnormally childish grin. “Say again?”

“This sucks.”

“YEEEEEES!” the ghost shouted. “To you, I bestow the first of many terrible days! And I will not rest until the Protectors of the Plot Continuum has the collective worst day in the history of bad days!” The vengeful ghost rose into the air, laughing to himself as he phased through the ceiling.

Directly above, the Bog Thorn, the Big Thorn’s younger brother, was shuffling down the hallway to see what all the crashing and smashing had been about a few minutes ago. When the laughing ghost appeared directly ahead of him, he stopped with a start, dropping his clipboard and a few other administrative devices on the floor.

How many times have I told people not to do that? he snapped. I am a Flower, and I will not have people passing through walls and floors in front of me! At least you didn’t come down from the ceiling, but mind you, that's hardly a compliment.

“Really?” asked the ghost. “Would it have made your day worse if I had?”

Undoubtedly, the Bog Thorn replied.

Wordlessly, the ghost continued to float higher and higher, passing through the ceiling within seconds and promptly reversed direction, floating back down to the Bog Thorn’s level and phasing through the ceiling from the opposite direction.

NOOOO! bellowed the Bog Thorn. I just told you not to do that!

“BU-WA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!” the Mysterious Somebody laughed, back-flipping through the air in glee and lighting the Bog Thorn aflame with Force lightning on the dismount. As the Flower howled in sudden pain and fled through the halls, the Mysterious Somebody floated leisurely in the opposite direction, brainstorming further revenge.

Title: Crazy For You (Chapter 1)

Summary: My new character Tanya (who is based on me), her partner kidnaps Data from Star Trek and Tanya has to save him. Agent/Lust Object pairing. Don't like don't read!

Rated: R just to be safe. Nothing happens, there's just dirty implications. Trigger warning.

Genre: Action/Romance

***********************************************************

"When I said 'kidnap', I didn't mean…" Tanya trailed off, realizing that her partner wasn't listening. Of course, there was also something in the room that was sapping her ability to speak and think.

Data struggled against his bonds.

"No, dear, you can't get out," Amare crooned, leaning against the chair he was strapped to, so close that her blond hair was brushing his face. He recoiled slightly.

When I said 'kidnap'," Tanya began again, slightly louder, "I was joking. Let him go."

Amare glanced at Tanya. "Don't worry, I'll let you have a turn after I'm done." She turned back towards Data and traced a finger down his jawline. "Now, let's get your shirt off."

Tanya choked as Data's eyebrows shot up. He pressed against the restraints - his muscles flexing quite nicely, Tanya noticed guiltily. "I would not like that," he said.

Amare grinned evilly. "You're going to." She reached for the back of his uniform top.

"Amare, don't!" Tanya cried. Data looked towards her, his golden eyes pleading. She lowered her eyes, trying to hide in her short curly brown hair. As much as she wanted to go over and help him, she was paralyzed. She was sure if she got too close, she would spontaneously combust. Even across the RC, his wide vulnerable eyes were making her insides squirm.

Well, that wasn't the only thing making her insides squirm. Amare had found the fastener on his shirt, and despite his struggles managed to remove it. She tossed it to the side.

Tanya squeaked, but she couldn't tear her eyes away from Data's body - slim, pale, muscular, but not overtly so.

"Oh yeah," Amare said approvingly, running a finger down the middle of his chest. Tanya whimpered softly. She wanted to be in Amare's place no she wanted to save him no she wanted him no she wanted to help him...help him...

Amare reached for the waistband of his pants, and both parts of Tanya's brain came to an agreement.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

She ran across the RC and thrust herself between Data and Amare, bumping Data's legs and knocking Amare over.

"Hey!" Amare cried, getting up.

Tanya whipped around and, with shaking hands, released Data's restraints. "Get your shirt," she said, and he didn't argue.

"No!" Amare cried, lunging after him. Tanya stepped in the way and spread her arms as Data bent to pick up his shirt.

"Don't touch him," she said.

Amare tried to go around, but Tanya matched her movements and stood firm against attempts to push her over.

Data put on his shirt, and he walked closer to them. As they saw him, the scuffling escalated. Neither of them was particularly skilled, so it mostly consisted of Tanya trying to lean on Amare and knock her over (Tanya being the heavier of the two) and Amare trying to push her off and go towards Data.

Tanya froze as Data came up behind Amare. She turned, and gasped as he pinched her neck. She crumpled to the ground.

Tanya took a deep breath, trying to steady her breathing.

"Do not worry, she is only unconscious," Data said, stepping over her body to stand tantalizingly close to Tanya. Sure she was hyperventilating out of worry. It wasn't because she was just fighting and her Lust Object was standing close to her. Of course not.

She made a soft squeaking sound, then made a louder sound as Data placed his hand on her neck and pushed her against the wall. "I have some questions to ask you," he said.

*****************************************************

A/N Sorry to leave off on a cliffhanger but I'm bored with typing. Read and review! :)

The story of Verce Jumper, and how he changed the PPC. This is my first story with him, so plese be nice to him.
Genre: Action
Rating: PG-13

Chapter One: The comeing of Verce Jumper

Throught the existance of man, they have wondered, "Am I alone?" When they ask this, they usualy think of other planets, ailiens. Many know for certain that ailiens exist, in fact so many, it is just about scientific fact, but because stupid people exist, it cannot be called so. But a few know of the existance of more then just ailiens, but beings from entirely diferent worlds. Not planets. Worlds. Univerces. They know of the existance of the multiverce, and know that beings live there. But a even more select few can viset these worlds. This story follows one of those few, and how he came to meet the organization that protects some of those worlds. This is the story of Verce Jumper

Verce Jumper was sitting in his Library, reading the Lord of the Rings, a pen in his hand as he scribbled some notes inside the books. Before we continue too far with the story, I should talk about the Library. The Library is no regular library, but rather a seperate world made enitrely out of books and bookshelves. This was the home of Verce Jumper, the home he built and made for himself. Inside, time does not pass, and there is no need for food or drink or bathrooms. He built it like this because he knew he would have to have all this to be able to read all of the books in there. He has this library, because he needs it to travel to worlds. But that is about to become evedent, so let's continue with Verce Jumper. Verce Jumper was reading the Lord of the rings, a pen in his hand, as he wrote in the books. He was making corrections to the word of Tolkeen, as he had just been to Middle Earth, and knew that several parts of it were inacuite. "Tom Bombadill does not exist, as he is me..." he muttered, chekleing as he thought back to that time. When he viseted, he wanted to meet Tom, because he seemed like a cool guy, though he was useless to the story, and was sad to see that Tom was so useless that he did not exist. Still, he knew that the Hobbits had to meet Tom, as he was so important to how the quest worked from then on, though he could not remember what he did exactly to be so important. He danced and sang to the little hobbits, patted them on the head, and saved them from the writes by using his sonic screwdriver he stole from the Doctor behind their back. That was so much fun. "Sauron's eye does more then just look at you..." This was a particularly painfull memory, as the eye can shoot fireballs from the pupill, as a way to defend. That was not so fun. He continued down the list of differences, and corrected for a time, but eventually, he found himself getting bored. Well, there was one thing to do when he was bored.

Verce Jumper closed his book with his eyes, and focused on the book. He pulled on it, trying to tugg the source of the book free and use it to Jump. You see, he travels though stories, thats why he lives in a library. WIth this library, he can travel to the worlds of any story he wants, though there energies. Verce Jumper pulled across the Worlds, using the length of story as a rope to pull himself. Then, instead of him pulling, he felt being pulled. Between the worlds, a gigantic hole was there, sucking in all things around it inside. But this was the Space Between Space, and so there was nothing to pull.

Except Verce Jumper.

Verce Jumper struggled against the hole, but it was to strong. "HOLD ON!!" he yelled at himself. "IT CAN NOT BE. THIS IS NOT HOW IT SHOULD EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!"

bUT IT WAS TOO LATE. Verce Jumper was sucked into the hole.

{A/N: Sorry to leve you on such a clifhanger, but it is just the best plase to end! Please rate in reviews, I want to see what you think. Cool so far right? I prmace I will get the next chapter out soon. Till then. Bie!!]

Chapter 6 - Zombies




(Author's note: ZERO reviews? I'm disappoint. But hey, here's

chapter six!)

I had a idea.

Zombies.

"Hey," I said to CIA Commander Erik. "Can you get all the

other zombies and bring them here?"

"Sure."

Before I could blink, the PPC was full of zombies. And the

zombies ate everyones brains, so then they were zombies too.

I turned to Erik. "Say how do we get pit of here?"

"Like this."

We ran towards the door. We were almost there when we we re

stopped by the Sunfowler.

"What did you do?"

"We sent the zombies here."

"Why?"

"So you guys would stop killing, because killing is wrong."

"So what?"

"Whadtaya mean so what?"

"I mean killing is'nt wrong."

"Well we disagre."

"Okay."

"Huh?"

"Okay. You can try and convince them that killing is wrong,

but you have to get buy me first."

"Sure."

Chapter 5 - Heaven



(Author's note: Whew! Turns out the whole Erik-and-Ilze thing

was just a big misundesrtanding - they were partnered for a

phyisics project. Erik and I are officially back together!

Anyway, Reviews: DazzlingStarryBrightness good to know you

seemed to enjoy my cllifhanger, and I hope you like how it

ends up as well! JayBird, because you hate me I hate you.)

"Where are we?"

A voice came at us. "Heaven."

Lily and I struggled to wrap our heads around this. "Whadtaya

mean, heaven?"

"I mean, you're in heaven."

We paused to think about this. Suddenly Lily screamed "GET ME

THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" When I heard this, I angryed. I choked

Lily until she died.

The angel was upset. There was a poof and then I was in hell.

Satan looked at me angryly.

Then all of a sudden there was a poofI was back in heaven.

"That's why you shouldnt kill people."

Okay.

Wait.

The PPC.

That was why I was there! To get them to stop killing people!

"I need to get down to Earth, please,"

"Sure."

Then there was a poof and I was in the middle of the PPC. ANd

standing right in front of me was CIA Commander Erik.

"Erik?"

"I'm a zombie now."

"Okay."

Chapter 4 - Monster Mash



(Author's note: Ooh, new reviews! DazzlingStarryBrightness, glad you like Kelly Harrington, because I sure do. PinkCarnations, glad you liked the last chapter, but really, you thought it was over? Because it's not. Oh, and I haven't seen Erik or Ilze at all in the last two days. Wonder what their up to?)

I located the Sunflower Officcial. He looked at me kinda funny, although I'm not sure why.

"Look. I was sent here undercover, to shut this place, down, but now I sorta like it. So how do I get out of here?"

"You don't."

Well. That certanly wasn't the answer I was wanted. But hey, I could hang out with Lily! That was a plus.

I got back to the room. I unlocked the closet and let Lily out.

"So what should we do?"

"I don't know."

"We could have a party."

"Sure why not?"

So we partied. Like a hour. There was beer and everything.

Then all of a sudden we saw a werewolf that had been in the room the whole time. We screamed.

"That's a werewolf."

"Yeah."

So we went to the portel.

"Where should we go?"

"Somewhere without a werewolf?"

"Good idea."

And so we went, cluelessly, into the portel, to get away, from the werewolf that wanted to kill us.

(Author's note: Like the cliffhanger? Because I do. Reviws please!)

Chapter 3 - The Traitor




(Author's note: Ohmigod, you whould not BELEIVE what happened yesterday. So I was at school, minding my own beeswax, when I saw Erik with another girl! Gasp! This Latvian excange student named Ilze. I tried to talk to him about it, but he got all antsy about it and wouldn't talk to me. I think he's hiding somethng! I swear, if he ever shows his face to me again, I'll punch him in the face!)

I walked around. I was wondering about what CIA Commander Erik had said, about someone knowing I was CIA. It was angrying.

I looked at a random passerby. No, can't be him. Can't be her, either. I'd know who it was it I saw they.

I was wondering. Then all at a sudden I didn't have to wonder no more, because standing right in fromt of me was CIA Commander Erik.

"What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, I'm the one who's supposed to be here."

"No, I am."

"Actully, you sent me here."

"No, I Didn't."

"Yes You DID."

"But its not what it looks like!"

"Oh, I get it, you're the boss. Like a video game."

And with that I punched him in the face. He fell over right away. Then I pulled a torch out of my pocket and set him on fire before walking away. But then I asked him, "How do I get out of here?"

"Why should I tell you? I'm dead!"

Grr. What a jerk.

So apparently I was stuck here.

Pfft. I could think of worse place to be stuck

Like working for Erik.

(Author's note: That was my fave chapter yet! Positive reviews or I'll hate you.)

Chapter 2 - The Resuce

(Author's note: WOW, peoplea re noticing my story! xX-VerceMaster-Xx, good to know that you enjoy my perspective. However, Kelly Harrington is not going to strop disapproveing of mysogynistic murder. JayBird, come on. Could you at least read the story before dropping such a cruel opinion? I'd type out a mean all-caps flame for you, but it would likely go over your head).

While trying to blend into the backgrround on my first mission - which I'd already mastered, being with the CIA and all - I talked with the other guy, who still hadn't told me his name.

"So who's she?"

"She's Lily. Our Sue."

Great. Now I could add anti-female slurs to my list of things wrong with this oragnization.

I waited patiently, for a perfect opportunity to make my move. Eventaully I saw my chance and went at the boy, grasping his neck and choking him. After a few minutes of this, he fell to the ground, obviously dead.

"Lily!" I shouted.

Lily turned around. I could tell she didn't want to be interrupted. "What?"

"My name is Kelly Harrington. I'm going to make you an offer here. I just killed somoene who wanted to kill you. And they're going to send more people to kill you unelss you come with me."

"Okay." And Lily came with my through the portal.

"Now," I told her, "To do this you got to be stealth. What are you best at, blending in or hiding?"

She looked indecisive.

"I'm gonna say that means hiding. You can hide in the closet." And with that, I gently nudged her over before locking her inside.

After that, I left the room and wandered the halls, analyzing the various agents. This was interrupted by my videophone, which told me that CIA Commander Erik wanted to talk with me.

I crept into an out of the way area, before talking. "This is Kelly Harrington. What is it?"

"Someone knows you're shouldn't be there." I was worried. "You have to find out who."

(Author's note: Wow, I think that chapter was the best yet! If you disgaree, you have no soul. R&R!)

Title: Kelly's Life

Summary: Anger. Misogyny. Murder. This is the legacy of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum - and it's why the CIA sent Kelly Harrington undercover to tear it apart from the inside.

Genre: Action/Adventure/Suspense/Romance

Rating: PG-13



Chapter 1 - The Undercover Girl



(Author's note: This fanfic goes out to the love of my life, Erik, who introduced me to the PPC back in August. Also, this is my first story so please, please don't hate it. Got it?)

After a plane ride, a bus ride, another plane ride and another bus ride, we finally reached a wierd door in the middle of nowhere and CIA Commander Erik finally decided to clue me in on what was to about to be happening. About time.

"You're go undercover in the PPC."

"Whatis that?"

"It's this group of woman-killers."

"What?"

"Well, sometimes they kill men, but mostly it's women. And hey, half of the PPC is women themselves, so you won't stick out."

"Great, that makes me feel so much better."

"OK!"

We kissed.

"One two three!"

All of a sudden, wierd magically things started happening and before I could even react I was somewhere else.

"Name?"

That's a unicorn. THAT'S A FREAKING UNICORN!

I think back to my CIA training. Thef irst rule of being a spy is to not to use your real name. Don't be Kelly Harrington. Be anyone else. I rummage through my mind, searching for a name I can use, before deciding on...

"Georgia Rose." Then, after a pause, "My father is a dentist."

Thank god the unicorn belived me. I was out of that room and in this wierd room in a seconds. There was a boy standing in the corner who resembeled girl repellent. I asked his him name and he didn't answer.

THen there was a loudish EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

Great, I thought to myself. This is what I was made for.

So tihs is the sotry of Christianne an Eledhwen and WAHT HAPPNES TO TEHM. R*R PLX1

Action/Drama, PG-13

Christianne started to notice things going wrong as soon as she woke up. Usually her partner Eledhwen was waiting to give her a kiss to say hello [A/N: I no tehy r suppossed to be going out now bu in my sotry there realtionship is PURRLY PLATE TONIC. So itt was a kis on TEH CHICK ok?!}, but this morning SHE WAS NOT THERE.

"I wonder where Eledhwen is," Christianne stated, and went into the Reaction Centre.

Eledhwen was sitting in front of the console. She looked like she was reading a book, and also she was only wearing a bikini made of black metal. Christianne thought that was a little strange.

"Hello Christianne," she said. "What is that book you are reading and also why are you wearing a bikini made of black metal."

"Oh hello Christianne," stated Eledhwen. "It is a book about how to be nice to people and do you like my bikini?"

"Yes I do," said Christianne, "you look very nice." (A/N: Purrly plate tonic!!1 rember?( "But maybe I would like it better if you took it off." {A/N: Shes onli sayign taht becas she wants to pollish it fore her b/c seh is a goo freind adn PURRLY PLATE TONIC=

"Well maybe I will," said Eledhwen, but then the console said "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEP" (A/N: Lol)

"Oh we have a mission," said Christianne.

"Yes we do," said Eledhwen, and they went on their mission.

When they got on their mission Christianne looked down at herself and her disguise. "Why am I wearing only a pink nightdress?" she asked. "And also why am I tied up?"

"That would be because you look good in a pink nightdress," said Eledhwen (A/N: PURRLY PLATE TONIC!!1), "and also because I lied."

"You lied down?" Christianne asked. "But I thought elfs always stood up to sleep."

"They do," said Eledhwen. "But that is my other lie. I was actually reading a book about how to be mean to people - and I am not an elf! That is why I am wearing a bikini made of black metal!"

"Gasp!" gasped Christianne. "But I thought you were an elf!"

"NO," stated Eledhwen. Her pointed ears fell off and her hair stood up straight and it was black like her bikini and her teeth started to grow into fangs. "I am actually A GIANT SPIDER."

"Oh no I do not like giant spiders," stated Christianne. "And also where are we?"

"We are in Milkwood, HOME of the giant spiders!" exclaimed Eledhwen. "And now I am going to take you back to my web and trap you and turn back into my true form and then eat you!"

"OH NO YOU ARE NOT!" said Christianne, "because I was just stalling you by asking those questions and now I have freed my arms!" And her arms were free from the ropes which Eledhwen had used to tie her up.

"Your arms may be free but you cannot escape from me!" explained Eledhwen and ran towards her.

Using her powers of deduction learned from Sherlock Homes himself, Christianne threw up a wall of pure force to blunt Eledhwen's charge.

"You cannot escape me!" Eledhwen snarled, her fangs growing longer by the second. "I am the Spider Queen of Mirkwood!"

Oh yes I can!" Christianne exclaimed. "You forget, Eledhwen - I know your secret name!"

"But you will never use it!" stated Eledhwen, and she jumped over the wall and...........

Kissed Christianne on the lips!

Now Christianne was surprised by this because they only had a purrly plate tonic relationship, but she soon realised that the kiss was not plate tonic......

IT WAS A KISS OF DEATH.

So then Christianne used her powers of deduction to jump backwards away from Eledhwen before she could kill her. "Why did you try to use a kiss of death on me?" she asked her.

"Because actually I am in love with you," she said, "but you never noticed and so I am going to kill you rather than live without you."

"Oh ok," she said, "but there is something you should know before you do."

"What is that?" she stated.

Christianne took a deep breath. "Elredwendy Eiffelrochester," she said, using Eledhwen's secret name (A/N: Ok so tahts how I rember it but i cant' be bothred to cechk rite now!), "actually I am in love with you too."

"Oh ok," said Eledhwen. "Then I guess I'll go out with you rather than killing you."

"Ok," said Christianne, and that was what they did.

A/N: I NO RITE!!1 SUPRISE!!! So I rote a sotry abut Waht they did neckst but I lost it so yea. Anywas PLS REVUE NO FLAMES K??!??!1//1?