Subject: You are starting to seriously worry me.
Author:
Posted on: 2015-08-10 00:18:00 UTC
Not to denigrate or delegitimize what suffering you had, but your next sentence puts them in a very different light:
"Now I want to be the one to have my turn making other people's life [sic] a living hell".
That's... well, it's nice to have goals, I suppose. Here's a suggestion for one, if you'll permit me to offer it.
Try - actually try - making it through sessions of cognitive therapy. You definitely need a course of that. You have anger issues. You want revenge on the people who made you suffer. I get that. I know what it feels like to have that gut-wrenching desire in the back of your head, telling you to prove you're better than they made you believe you were. It's quite likely at the root of my own issues with anger management, which you don't have to be a genius to figure out I possess (cf. my interactions with... at this point, half the Board, or so it seems).
I was made, by my peers at school and other people who shall remain nameless but really ought to have known better, to feel that my achievements were worth nothing, my positive attributes (such as they are) were in fact negative ones, my abilities were either pointless or inferior, and my ambitions laughable. I hate feeling like that. It burns in my brain like hellfire. I still seek to challenge people on stuff, assert my dominance, prove myself to be better at Thing X than Person Y. I still have revenge fantasies that go into the kind of terrifying detail that a giallo movie director would consider excessive. And I cannot stress the following enough:
THIS. IS. NOT. HEALTHY.
It's the same for you, it's the same for me. I am not in therapy because I can't afford it and I have a depressing tendency to lie like a rug to them. I wonder what your excuse is.
You were wronged by people, according to societal standards. We all have been. You must not dwell on it. Doing so will chew up your... not soul exactly, but the part of yourself that is your self, and after all the agony has been wrung from it, it will be spat back out, dripping with venom and rancid bile. I should never have let it happen to me, and I do not want it to happen to you.
Additionally, you have a correlation-causation error in your logic. If a person breaks a rule upon which society is by and large agreed, the rule is not (generally speaking) the problem. The person is. Doing away with the rules leads to no threat of punishment, which means a lot more people are going to start doing the things that you don't want them to do to you. And they will gang up on you, because humans are social animals and if you've managed to get Iximaz this riled up then heaven knows what you're like with non-PPC people, and they will destroy you, and there will not be a single solitary thing you can do about it, because hey, you get to do what you want too. You just lack the means. Ain't nobody's fault but your own. That is what anarchy entails - and while I realise that a pro-government democratic socialist may have some internal biases against anarchism, even Bakunin realised it was impossible in a society still bound by scarcity-based economic structures (which even now all societies are, even the anarchist communes that are scattered around the nastier parts of the globe).
Finally, you think your revenge is "rightful"? I beg to differ. I seriously do. No revenge is rightful, because you do not have a right to it. You have a right to justice. You have a right to due process. And so do they. This is why trial by jury is even a thing in the first place - to stop endless cycles of blood feuding and needless death. Which, again, is anarchical.
But hey, you don't have to listen to mean ol' Scapegrace. I'm just another of those people defending your kids. I'd be deeply shocked if you made it this far through the post, because you don't want to read it, and I think the reason that you don't want to read it is because you don't want to hear that your coping mechanisms are so fundamentally flawed you are making a leading member of an extraordinarily non-judgemental community tear her hair out in frustration at you. You don't want to hear that your bloodlust is wrong. So you won't hear it.
And you'll go back to your bunker with your collection of guns and your tinfoil bloody hat, waiting for the bombs to fall.
You worry me. You also repel me.
