Subject: Pulls out, grabs Mrs Bones, drags her in.
Author:
Posted on: 2015-06-02 08:20:00 UTC
Yeah, I figured out that this is what must have happened. But
He leaned out of the portal and dragged Amelia through it,
reads like he reached through the portal to drag Amelia in.
And since Des and Amelia are on the same side of the portal and Des has no intention to go through it, shouldn’t he rather push than drag?
HG
There's a warning in the disclaimer, but I'll restate it here just in case: the fic trivializes rape and has some rather graphic violence, so you've been warned.
That being said... after many weeks of hard work, we proudly present So Much for Subtlety!
The Librarian frowned at Hermione’s lovesick behaviour. Lupin, Tonks and Hermione Disapparated, leaving Tonk the mini-Aragog behind. He opened a portal and flung the miniature acromantula back to its home.
May sound like Tonk the mini-Aragog opened the portal.
The mission report did say Ginny was going to end up marrying Harry as well.
This should be the “intelligence report”; the "mission report" is what the agents will write when they finished the mission, so basically what we are reading.
“It appears as though the girls here were chosen because they are, um, physically appealing? So I suppose that doesn’t apply here, either.”
What exactly doesn’t apply? I don’t understand how the second sentence relates to the first sentence, or to anything said before.
Several magic circles appeared vertically around Corolla, with about a dozen small energy darts emerging from each other of them.
Sounds weird. Maybe the word “other” should not be there.
Taking his RA out of a pocket, he opened a portal to Medical and stuck his head through.
[…]
He leaned out of the portal and dragged Amelia through it, trying to be as gentle as possible.
So is Des inside the portal / in Medical now? He probably is, because he returns to the badfic then, but I have problems imagining his position and movements here.
HG
Fixed all of them, save for the last one. The way I imagined is goes like this:
-Des sticks his head in, talks with a Nurse.
-Pulls out, grabs Mrs Bones, drags her in.
-Exits.
Is this clearer?
Yeah, I figured out that this is what must have happened. But
He leaned out of the portal and dragged Amelia through it,
reads like he reached through the portal to drag Amelia in.
And since Des and Amelia are on the same side of the portal and Des has no intention to go through it, shouldn’t he rather push than drag?
HG
But I have a quick question. On page 45 the Librarian says "...or is it the Wizarding World’s equivalent of the British House of Lords. This is inane." And Rina follows up with "This whole fic is insane." Did you mean for them to be different? The way the dialogue was flowing it feels like they were meant to be the same.
Other than that it was a fantastic read.
To me the way the dialogue was flowing felt like a clever play with words, something I should mention when giving detailed positive feedback (which I usually forget to do even when I’m taking notes).
HG
That's why I asked. It could be read either way, so I just wanted to see which was the intended way.
Insane we all know. 'Inane' means 'silly, stupid, insubstantial'.
As I said before, either interpretation works well. I just wanted to know which one you meant, now I do. And as I said it was well written.
When I read this about twenty hours ago, there may have been some sentences that looked weird to me. But I became so immersed into the story that I didn’t think of taking notes. So, congrats for breaking Hieronymus’s pedantry; this doesn’t happen often.
Since I can’t shirk the duty, I’ll have to read it again, but probably not this weekend. Or I may just trust that sonofheaven176 caught them all. (I’m actually tempted to read the badfic in parallel to see how bad things can become, and whether you did it justice. This happens even less often. I hope I can resist; I don’t have this much time.)
HG
Rina's a lot curvier than she should be and Des says the Librarian's face isn't long enough, but I still think it's a pretty nice picture. It later inspired an exchange in the mission, so posting it now seems relevant.
I'll echo what PoorCynic said: Great job, you three! That was a wild ride from start to finish, and I only struggled with a scant few points (most notably the implied Sexual Tension between Rina and the Librarian; I have to agree with sonofheaven176 in that it came a bit out of nowhere). And the title drop at the very end was the icing on the metaphorical cake.
In all honesty, though, I'm starting to hate the Librarian now lol. I respect that Des writes him well and all, and I'm not familiar enough with Dr. Who to judge the guy as a character, but dear Arceus, what an asshole! XD
I'd like to point out that there's a difference between saying "I think this character sucks and is poorly written" (which, without details, is bad criticism) and saying "this character is so well-written I hate his guts". Since it's the latter and not the former you're talking about, I'd take that as praise.
As to the UST between Rina and the Librarian, it's as Iximaz said: Rina is attracted to the Librarian, the Librarian dislikes Rina, and the other three are trolling them about it.
Rina hates the Librarian's guts, end of story. The hatred the Librarian has for Rina is pretty mutual. Even if she found him physically attractive, his *cough* stellar personality would pretty much override that.
Speaking of which, I should post that thing Randa drew...
Looks like I was trolled, too.
I, ah, ehehe. I didn't mean to troll you.
But seriously, please don't tell Rina or the Librarian I was just messing with them. It's fun to get them wound up-- plus it's a good distraction for Rina to focus on something other than the badfic. And I rather like my head where it is, thanks.
But first, my thoughts on the story. It's very well-written, and I liked the way the different characters played off of each other. However, where does Corolla get the idea that there's some UST between Rina and the Librarian? It's clear from Zeb's lines that Rina likes Des, but where does the Librarian figure into the picture?
As for the errors themselves:
Zeb readied another portal, but the scene suddenly went black. Something struck Des on the forehead, and he cursed.
“I hate stray punctuation.” He looked at the Words and groaned. “That’s one of the silliest scene breaks I’ve ever seen.”
...
Des barely managed to say “fantastic” when the scene went black again. His forehead attracted a hail of tildes again, prompting him to curse, then the fic dumped him and Zeb in the Great Hall again."
I find it odd that you refer to "stray punctuation" first, and only clarify that you were referring to an all-tilde scene break paragraphs later. When I first saw the reference to "stray punctuation," I was looking at the previous quote from the badfic to see if there was any punctuation missing; I did not make the connection between the two sentences. In other words, I thought that Des was complaining about two things: some stray punctuation and a non-standard scene break. Please consider rephrasing these paragraphs to clarify up front that the scene break manifested as a rain of tildes.
They appeared back outside of Number Four. Dumbledore, Mad-Eye, and Kingsley, among other unnamed Aurors were working on breaking through the new wards
There should be a comma after "Aurors"
Charge for distorting earth’s history
Capitalize the E in "earth"
it was just a matter of keeping them shrinked to scale model size
"shrunk", not "shrinked"
“We’re doing a multi-team mission, so sending in a team composed by people from the same RC kinda misses the point. And you two need to sort out this Belligerent Sexual Tension of yours.”
Corolla stopped in thought for a second, then continued. “And if any one of you two stays here, I’m going to tease him or her until the team comes back.”
Since Corolla is the speaker for both lines, please consider either removing the paragraph break or adding some kind of attribution to the first paragraph.
barrell roll
That's misspelled: there's only one L in "barrel".
Also, do you mean "aileron roll," or are you referring to an actual barrel roll?
Fixed the mistakes. Also, yes, that's a barrel roll.
I also expanded the scene break thingy; hopefully it's clearer now.
Zeb and Corolla and Des are trolling the other two. They pretty obviously hate each other, but that doesn't mean the rest of the team won't get some fun out of it. Except Zeb who's starting to rather like the idea
Anyway, as for the mistakes you noticed, thank you very much! I'll get on fixing those in the morning. :)
Let's try closing this, shall we?
I should probably start off by saying that I'm not much of a Harry Potter fan. My knowledge of the canon itself is both shaky and possibly out of date. So I can't really comment too much on that regard.
Despite that, I still found the mission to be enjoyable. The characters had some very good interactions and there were some extremely solid moments. My favorite would have to be when the Librarian and Zeb have their brief discussion about fanonical interpretations on page 34. I feel like sometimes PPC writers forget that, so it's nice to see it talked about in-universe.
I did have a few issues, most of which are tied to my own subjective views. There were a smattering of points where it felt like what the agents were saying didn't necessarily fit their actions. Like on page 7: "“I heard that,” the Librarian said weakly, but Des ignored him." Why would his protest be weak? I didn't anything to indicate why that would be so.
I'm also not a fan of when agents have overblown reactions. The whole banging your head on the wall thing. I feel like that's okay if it fits the character of the agent, like if they're literally a cartoon character or something similar. It also works better as a one time thing. But when it's a character that's supposed to be from a more reality-based world (like Des) and it happens repeatedly, the entire thing feels forced. There are humorous ways to express that a character is frustrated without immediately jumping into broad physical comedy.
A good mission all in all. I struggled a bit at times (due to the previously mentioned Harry Potter antipathy) but it was still easy enough to follow. Well done.
Om nom nom.
*pointedly ignores the Harry Potter non-fanness* :P
Glad to hear you liked it! And that moment you mentioned between Zeb and the Librarian was a nice one to write; and you're right, fanon and canon does seem to blur as time goes on. Distinctions are important.
Unfortunately, I can't really remark on Des' agents, so I'll leave that to him should he choose to respond. I do remember you making the same point about physical comedy (i.e. banging your head against the wall) in my first mission— talk about déjà vu.
That said, I'd like to address the points you've brought up.
The one on page seven is probably me not being clear enough; I was referring to the volume of his voice, not his... will to protest?
The wall-head one - well, Des is an SI (even though he drifts further and further apart from me as time goes by), and I tend to actually do that when I'm faced with something stupid enough. So... Iunno, really.
I apologize for my tone, I had a really bad day yesterday.
Anyway, here is what I have so far:
The Unison Device nodded. “If I ever see it in maintenance at DoSAT, I’m so going to reprogramme it.”
How do you reprogramme something?
“That was a Suspiciously Specific Denial,
Why is that capitalized?
“And we are not discussing what just happened.”
Who said that? Rina or the Librarian?
Corolla summoned a holographic window — luckily there was no risk of getting caught by Hogwarts-Sue there — and started tapping on it.
How do you tap on a holograph?
The Librarian frowned at Hermione’s lovesick behaviour. Lupin, Tonks and Hermione Disapparated,
Why is disapparated capitalized?
“Turning Luna into a sobbing mess and the Weasleys into idiots,” Zeb muttered.
Who was that directed to? What as the point of it?
Maybe not quite,” Zeb said slowly.
Say what?
The Librarian walked through it, had a moment to understand he was in Harry’s bedroom, and was promptly thrown off his feet as the story dragged him and Zeb back to the tenth century.
The second part of that does not make any sense.
1) How do you reprogram(me) something? Well, you know computers? Like that.
2) It's a trope.
3) Did you even read it? Should've been clear from context. Not every line of dialogue needs to be tagged, you know.
4) Ever see those movies where they have holographic touch interfaces?
5) Disapparated. Is. Always. Capitalized.
6) What, characters aren't allowed to talk to themselves?
7) See above.
8) Dude, you don't even need context to understand this.
Your argument is invalid, good day to you, sir.
Dude, all of those are either a) right and you didn't bother checking (Disapparated, Corolla's holographic windows), b) immaterial if you'd actually pay attention to what you're reading (who said what) or c) obvious. I do hope Ixi's wrong and you're not trolling.
Mood of the day: vindicated.
'Tis the only thing to save my sanity at this point. Expect a response shortly.
You're claiming that the three writers are very bad at writing ('Hate to break it to you, but... was this even beta read?'), but your claims are based on absolutely nothing.
The Librarian walked through it, had a moment to understand he was in Harry’s bedroom, and was promptly thrown off his feet as the story dragged him and Zeb back to the tenth century.
How does that make no sense? The Librarian walked through 'it' (I assume a door?). He spends a moment on the far side. He realises it is Harry's bedroom. He is suddenly dragged by the story to the Tenth Century, which throws him off his feet.
You also complain about using 'reprogramme', which is a perfectly valid spelling, about characters muttering things to themselves like all PPC agents do all the time, about another sentence that makes perfect sense in context... as Desdendelle pointed out, all the things you said are both correct and pretty obviously correct.
So no. It's not funny. And I don't know why you're doing it.
hS
I am extremely confused as to why you are offended and why my list was not a problem. Please explain.
Also, check yourself before you wreck yourself in future. Just because you don't understand what words mean doesn't mean they're not words.
To take an example, when I posted the first mission for Doktor Trollenfisch, I used the word pleonasm. Repeatedly. Which was kind of the joke, because pleonasm means... well, see for yourself. Now, Neshomeh of this parish hadn't come across the word before, which is understandable, because it's fairly obscure and archaic. Rather than try to claim I'd made it up, like you did with the word reprogramme seriously how have you not heard of this word, she looked up what it meant and wandered off to give it a cuddle.
This is the proper reaction to things you don't know: finding out. The improper reaction?
Yours.
I trust this is sufficiently in-depth for your tastes.
Was this even beta read? I just went through and noticed many questionable things. I'll try to make a list of them soon.
Just that I disagree with your assessment. And would probably chalk up most of your quibbles to differences in dialect, tone, and so forth. I'm a pretty technically competent writer, and the only one that stuck out for me was the Librarian describing Godric's Hollow as in "West Country, England", which a) is not how one talks about the West Country, b) is a little vague for someone with Time Lord levels of memory, and c) might not be totally correct - I've had it stuck in my head for years that Godric's Hollow was in Wales, though I may well be wrong about that.
But yeah, interested to see your list, but I'll wait for Hieronymous's, if it's all the same. Not being funny, mate, but when it comes to this stuff he's got form.
b) and c) - the relevant Harry Potter wiki page says that Godric's Hollow is indeed in West Country, but nothing more; I won't invent a precise location for a mission, of course.
a) - do enlighten me; I'm curious. How should it be said?
It's the West Country, because it's multiple places - the West Country generally refers to the counties of Devon, Dorset, and Cornwall, since it's about as far west as you can go while still being in England. Country, in this context, is meant kind of like countryside - not an actual country.
Calling it "West Country, England" makes him sound like a poorly-researched Hollywood location scroll, basically. =]
Zumerzet is in the West Country, at the very least. Jury's still out on Wilt-shyre, but I didn't notice a whole lot of difference between them.
hS
Don't know why I didn't, really, my mum's family's from up that way.
It's a broad term covering much of south-west England, and it has a definite article. Think 'the Highlands' or 'the North'.
Also it should be said with a West Country accent. Oo-arr.
hS spent seven-odd years there
yaaarp/naaarp?
One of the worst thing about selling fast food in Bath was the West Country Teenaged Accent.
"Can I have a coooooke? And a hamburgeeeeeer? How much is thaaaaat?"
Every. Single. Sentence. Had to end with an excruciatingly drawn-out vowel. I just, why? The text doesn't do it justice, either - it turns into a faintly rising 'question' tone, even when it's not a question. It, just. Just. Just.
Just.
hS quite clearly has Issues
It's pretty haughty. Also, if you'd have read the disclaimer you would have seen that we did, indeed, have three betas.
Three, in fact, and all of them quite good. But I'm certainly interested by this promised list.
