The Librarian frowned at Hermione’s lovesick behaviour. Lupin, Tonks and Hermione Disapparated, leaving Tonk the mini-Aragog behind. He opened a portal and flung the miniature acromantula back to its home.
May sound like Tonk the mini-Aragog opened the portal.

The mission report did say Ginny was going to end up marrying Harry as well.
This should be the “intelligence report”; the "mission report" is what the agents will write when they finished the mission, so basically what we are reading.

“It appears as though the girls here were chosen because they are, um, physically appealing? So I suppose that doesn’t apply here, either.”
What exactly doesn’t apply? I don’t understand how the second sentence relates to the first sentence, or to anything said before.

Several magic circles appeared vertically around Corolla, with about a dozen small energy darts emerging from each other of them.
Sounds weird. Maybe the word “other” should not be there.

Taking his RA out of a pocket, he opened a portal to Medical and stuck his head through.
[…]
He leaned out of the portal and dragged Amelia through it, trying to be as gentle as possible.
So is Des inside the portal / in Medical now? He probably is, because he returns to the badfic then, but I have problems imagining his position and movements here.

HG

But I have a quick question. On page 45 the Librarian says "...or is it the Wizarding World’s equivalent of the British House of Lords. This is inane." And Rina follows up with "This whole fic is insane." Did you mean for them to be different? The way the dialogue was flowing it feels like they were meant to be the same.

Other than that it was a fantastic read.

When I read this about twenty hours ago, there may have been some sentences that looked weird to me. But I became so immersed into the story that I didn’t think of taking notes. So, congrats for breaking Hieronymus’s pedantry; this doesn’t happen often.

Since I can’t shirk the duty, I’ll have to read it again, but probably not this weekend. Or I may just trust that sonofheaven176 caught them all. (I’m actually tempted to read the badfic in parallel to see how bad things can become, and whether you did it justice. This happens even less often. I hope I can resist; I don’t have this much time.)

HG

Rina's a lot curvier than she should be and Des says the Librarian's face isn't long enough, but I still think it's a pretty nice picture. It later inspired an exchange in the mission, so posting it now seems relevant.

I'll echo what PoorCynic said: Great job, you three! That was a wild ride from start to finish, and I only struggled with a scant few points (most notably the implied Sexual Tension between Rina and the Librarian; I have to agree with sonofheaven176 in that it came a bit out of nowhere). And the title drop at the very end was the icing on the metaphorical cake.

In all honesty, though, I'm starting to hate the Librarian now lol. I respect that Des writes him well and all, and I'm not familiar enough with Dr. Who to judge the guy as a character, but dear Arceus, what an asshole! XD

But first, my thoughts on the story. It's very well-written, and I liked the way the different characters played off of each other. However, where does Corolla get the idea that there's some UST between Rina and the Librarian? It's clear from Zeb's lines that Rina likes Des, but where does the Librarian figure into the picture?

As for the errors themselves:
Zeb readied another portal, but the scene suddenly went black. Something struck Des on the forehead, and he cursed.

“I hate stray punctuation.” He looked at the Words and groaned. “That’s one of the silliest scene breaks I’ve ever seen.”

...

Des barely managed to say “fantastic” when the scene went black again. His forehead attracted a hail of tildes again, prompting him to curse, then the fic dumped him and Zeb in the Great Hall again."

I find it odd that you refer to "stray punctuation" first, and only clarify that you were referring to an all-tilde scene break paragraphs later. When I first saw the reference to "stray punctuation," I was looking at the previous quote from the badfic to see if there was any punctuation missing; I did not make the connection between the two sentences. In other words, I thought that Des was complaining about two things: some stray punctuation and a non-standard scene break. Please consider rephrasing these paragraphs to clarify up front that the scene break manifested as a rain of tildes.

They appeared back outside of Number Four. Dumbledore, Mad-Eye, and Kingsley, among other unnamed Aurors were working on breaking through the new wards
There should be a comma after "Aurors"

Charge for distorting earth’s history
Capitalize the E in "earth"

it was just a matter of keeping them shrinked to scale model size
"shrunk", not "shrinked"

“We’re doing a multi-team mission, so sending in a team composed by people from the same RC kinda misses the point. And you two need to sort out this Belligerent Sexual Tension of yours.”

Corolla stopped in thought for a second, then continued. “And if any one of you two stays here, I’m going to tease him or her until the team comes back.”

Since Corolla is the speaker for both lines, please consider either removing the paragraph break or adding some kind of attribution to the first paragraph.

barrell roll
That's misspelled: there's only one L in "barrel".
Also, do you mean "aileron roll," or are you referring to an actual barrel roll?

I should probably start off by saying that I'm not much of a Harry Potter fan. My knowledge of the canon itself is both shaky and possibly out of date. So I can't really comment too much on that regard.

Despite that, I still found the mission to be enjoyable. The characters had some very good interactions and there were some extremely solid moments. My favorite would have to be when the Librarian and Zeb have their brief discussion about fanonical interpretations on page 34. I feel like sometimes PPC writers forget that, so it's nice to see it talked about in-universe.

I did have a few issues, most of which are tied to my own subjective views. There were a smattering of points where it felt like what the agents were saying didn't necessarily fit their actions. Like on page 7: "“I heard that,” the Librarian said weakly, but Des ignored him." Why would his protest be weak? I didn't anything to indicate why that would be so.

I'm also not a fan of when agents have overblown reactions. The whole banging your head on the wall thing. I feel like that's okay if it fits the character of the agent, like if they're literally a cartoon character or something similar. It also works better as a one time thing. But when it's a character that's supposed to be from a more reality-based world (like Des) and it happens repeatedly, the entire thing feels forced. There are humorous ways to express that a character is frustrated without immediately jumping into broad physical comedy.

A good mission all in all. I struggled a bit at times (due to the previously mentioned Harry Potter antipathy) but it was still easy enough to follow. Well done.

I apologize for my tone, I had a really bad day yesterday.
Anyway, here is what I have so far:



The Unison Device nodded. “If I ever see it in maintenance at DoSAT, I’m so going to reprogramme it.”

How do you reprogramme something?




“That was a Suspiciously Specific Denial,

Why is that capitalized?


“And we are not discussing what just happened.”

Who said that? Rina or the Librarian?



Corolla summoned a holographic window — luckily there was no risk of getting caught by Hogwarts-Sue there — and started tapping on it.

How do you tap on a holograph?


The Librarian frowned at Hermione’s lovesick behaviour. Lupin, Tonks and Hermione Disapparated,

Why is disapparated capitalized?

“Turning Luna into a sobbing mess and the Weasleys into idiots,” Zeb muttered.

Who was that directed to? What as the point of it?

Maybe not quite,” Zeb said slowly.

Say what?

The Librarian walked through it, had a moment to understand he was in Harry’s bedroom, and was promptly thrown off his feet as the story dragged him and Zeb back to the tenth century.

The second part of that does not make any sense.

Was this even beta read? I just went through and noticed many questionable things. I'll try to make a list of them soon.