Wait, what? The assbaby of APOLLYON and GABRIEL!?

Subject: Wait, what? The assbaby of APOLLYON and GABRIEL!?
Author: Tawaki
Posted on: 2015-05-11 15:36:00 UTC

+++ Eternal Domain Error. +++

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New Badfic Thread: Oh Lord, what have I found... by Matt Cipher on 2015-05-10 21:23:00 UTC Reply

I believe I have found a candidate for... a Legendary Badfic, or at least one step below it. There is no thread to submit badfics right now, so I might as well make one right now...

Anyway, here's the abomination:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/11129341/2/

The Sue in question is half-angel half-demon witch, which made Harry Potter pity her and thinking it would be better if Lily and James DIDN'T oppose Voldemort.

Gentlemen, hoist your colours and sharpen your pitchforks. We have a big one to kill...

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Give me a second... by Silenthunder on 2015-05-13 12:12:00 UTC Reply

Za'kiir looks ready to rip the throat out of this Undead - GET BACK HERE, NO, YOU PUT THAT KNIFE AWAY...

....

Okay, he's calm. As am I.
I'm sorry, but WHAT. by Voyd on 2015-05-13 02:21:00 UTC Reply

What... what black magic IS this!?

Harry is half-Sphinx? Hermione and Ron are evil and drowned Lupin and Greyback? Ember Dragon dude that instantly falls in love and sleeps with Harry?

Um. Yeah.

That's all just in the first chapter. I haven't yet read further.

I think all four of my agents would be needed here, because everybody's replaced and/or a potential Stu..

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Oh, this is bad... by ratbrainbasher on 2015-05-12 04:53:00 UTC Reply

Almost entertainingly bad. Have any of you ever read something so bad, that it was almost funny, but fell just short of that, and it's even worse because of it? This is that. I would love to see this get taken down, but I'm afraid any agent sent into this would go so far beyond insanity, they would almost come right back around to being sane. Which, while entertaining, may not exactly be the best thing for the agent. Still, if anyone tackles this, I'd love to see the result.
Badfic? Sure! by OrangeYoshi99 on 2015-05-12 00:36:00 UTC Reply

This:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10646424/1/A-Bunch-Of-One-Shots

It's a Super Smash Bros. Fic... supposedly. I think this is the guy's first fic, and i don't think he knows anything about Smash Bros. I'm pretty sure he thinks it's a "HEY GUYS THROW WUTEVER U LIKE INTO TEH FIC THX."
WHAT. by Neshomeh on 2015-05-11 22:09:00 UTC Reply

"A voice rang in my head. It was Lyte, the unicorn spirit"

EXCUSE ME, BUT NO. NO. ARGH. ARGLEFLURGHLEBLARGH—

... Okay. Okay. Now that I am merely seeing shell pink instead of red and am able to breathe again...

Please allow me to provide some context to my freakout by linking to this original story I wrote many years ago: "The Legend of Lyte"

It's probably not plagiarism... I mean, exactly how original is a unicorn named Light-but-spelled-funny? Not very, amirite? But still. Forgive me for being just a little ticked off. {= |

Matt, dude, if you need any help for any reason whatsoever, Archivist Neshomeh would pay money to be let in on this mission somehow. Or chocolate. Or heck, name your price, she will get it for you somehow.

~Neshomeh, who will actually read the fic once she stops fuming.

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Baby plovers for everyone! by Iximaz on 2015-05-11 22:55:00 UTC Reply

D'awww!

See? Cute baby animals make everything better.

Cute baby animals DO make everything better! by Darkotas on 2015-05-11 23:05:00 UTC Reply

Here, have a baby seal to go with it.

Nice seal. Looks very tasty. by World-Jumper on 2015-05-11 23:14:00 UTC Reply

I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Just an Alaskan joke! Besides, due to being very definitively not native Alaskan, I can't hunt seal.

...though nobody said anything about eating it!

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Here, just for you... by Darkotas on 2015-05-11 23:39:00 UTC Reply

...this tiny shark.

Yay! Cute sharkie! (nm) by World-Jumper on 2015-05-12 00:04:00 UTC Reply

Would that be the same shark... by KittyEden on 2015-05-12 00:41:00 UTC Reply

...that nearly chomped our van in half on the camping trip?

To refresh your memory-

SHARK HOLY CARLISLE SHARK
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRjEuSZny3OyZIpO9Bh-RgrVCcfLjN7ifp-q8iFm_ufreFy-Yex

Well... by Darkotas on 2015-05-12 00:56:00 UTC Reply

Maybe the mirrors on the van were funky? I mean, they always say "objects in mirror may be closer than they appear". Maybe the little guy swam close enough to cause the effect.

Wait, what? The assbaby of APOLLYON and GABRIEL!? by Tawaki on 2015-05-11 15:36:00 UTC Reply

+++ Eternal Domain Error. +++

*offers a baby plover* by Iximaz on 2015-05-11 15:41:00 UTC Reply

There, there, it's okay. Look! It's a baby bird! Isn't it cute?

*cheep cheep*

Deep breaths, Tawaki. ;)

*twitches* by KittyEden on 2015-05-11 06:12:00 UTC Reply

Dear lord. I think I need to get Permission very soon, or I do believe I shall go insane.
Call the cavalry! by Omega on 2015-05-11 03:20:00 UTC Reply

They gave Hermione the dark mark and made her a spy for Voldemort!? I support the nomination for legendary badfic.
Oooh, we're talking badfics now? by SkarmorySilver on 2015-05-11 01:39:00 UTC Reply

In that case, I guess now would be a good time to announce that I am now officially a total loser who has no respect for his responsibilities, sleep hours, or time-management skills. Why? Two words, just two little words: "Latias' Journey."

"With her home destroyed, Latias sets out on a journey to protect herself from the mysterious Ghost King. On the way, she encounters new friends and adventures, and wonders if perhaps the one who destroyed her city is really all that he seems." Rated: Fiction M - English - Adventure - Chapters: 67 - Words: 1,237,300

That's right - it's ridiculously long, and more than that, it's extremely grimdark, surreal, horrifically gruesome, and so full of disturbing content that I don't think even MTV would air it if some bizarre twist of fate led to it being made into an epic TV miniseries. And yes, it's based on the Pokemon anime. THE ANIME. Which, IIRC, is supposed to be a children's cartoon! Seriously, it makes the entire Cori Falls anthology look like Pride and Prejudice for all I know!

I don't plan to spork this abomination immediately - an Endeavor this epic needs a metric crackton of preparation, after all - but it will be slain. Someday. I promise!

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Yes. That is a crackfic. by OrangeYoshi99 on 2015-05-12 00:21:00 UTC Reply

For some reason... some people like it. Whoopdie doo.

I assume you found it via the tropes of the television?

Eeyup. by SkarmorySilver on 2015-05-12 01:08:00 UTC Reply

I actually heard of it long before the PPC, and I was debating whether to spork it or not once I joined. But after looking through the Tropes page proper, the question isn't "why", it's "why not?"

I wish you luck! ^^ by SMF on 2015-05-11 18:34:00 UTC Reply

Though... you're not going after the sequel, are you? I only ask because I'm awfully fond of that one. >.> *Is guilted*
(The original IS more disturbing, though, I admit.)
Did I read that right? by [EvilAI]UBEROverlord on 2015-05-11 08:29:00 UTC Reply

1.2 million words? Really?

Yup. by SkarmorySilver on 2015-05-11 17:38:00 UTC Reply

This is probably gonna be a multi-part marathon mission like in my very first one. It'll also take a few months as well, given my schedule and my awful, awful management of it. :c

Oh, god. by Voyd on 2015-05-10 22:56:00 UTC Reply

Oh, GOD.

She's less powerful than when Zeb and Rina took her down, but...

Rose Potter lives.

And she's now Harry's incestuous twin sister. Oh yeah, this fic is slightly less messed-up than the original Rose.

I've got a mithral-and-darkwood shovel to sharpen.

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Whiskey. Tango. FOXTROT!? by Tawaki on 2015-05-11 00:55:00 UTC Reply

So. One fic throws a [Gobbledegook expletive] half-demon into HP, and the other resurrects ROSE POTTER, and SHIPS HER WITH HARRY!?

brain.exe needs to reboot.
Well, it's not the same Rose Potter by firemagic on 2015-05-11 00:37:00 UTC Reply

Just someone with the same name. If she's not a druidess and not a ninja and not an only child, then it's just not the same Sue. I think we had a thread a while back about why female-Harry Sues are called Rose so often, as well.

And now that I've taken a look at it... by Iximaz on 2015-05-11 00:44:00 UTC Reply

It's... Actually very tame by comparison.

WHAT?! by Iximaz on 2015-05-11 00:32:00 UTC Reply

Oh no. This is not good. *froths at the mouth*

Though that does remind me, I've been wanting to find another Sue named Rose Potter at some point, just to screw with my agents some more. >:)

Ask, and ye shall receive :) by Matt Cipher on 2015-05-11 09:13:00 UTC Reply

Enjoy the brain paralysis

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11212947/1/Rose-Potter

Cupid-Witch? Seriously? by Tawaki on 2015-05-11 14:55:00 UTC Reply

Beep-beep-beep... All units relate. All units. Norman, coordinate.

Then have I got the fic for you... by LonelyStar on 2015-05-11 01:23:00 UTC Reply

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4040192/1/Harry-Potter-and-the-Girl-Who-Lived

Overpowered!Future!Harry ends up in an AU Goblet of Fire where he's a girl called Rose Lily Potter (although this is an edited version- apparently she was originally Lily White Potter). Features a Jerk Stu who due to the magic of alternate universes is also a Jerk Sue, your typical Lord-Potter plotline, bashing everyone who's not Harry, a creepy selfcest relationship that the participants justify by the line of reasoning: "Purebloods practice incestual relationships, so why shouldn't we?" (the "Incest is both biologically and canonically a bad idea" is never brought up), and uncanonical powers galore.

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And now a badfic I found a long time ago. by Voyd on 2015-05-10 22:13:00 UTC Reply

Back when I first started hanging around the PPC.

Anyone familiar with Bionicle?

Yeah.

What's shocking is that the main character isn't the Sue. The Sues of this story start as secondary characters. Clever Sues, trying to distract us with a human-falls-into-world story...

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LEGO is going to reboot the series this year. by dramaticsoprano on 2015-05-11 18:04:00 UTC Reply

"Bionicle" was one of my favorite toy series when I was a kid. I still have my old Gali Nuva figure. LEGO announced last year that they would bring the series back, but I don't think it will have the same zing that it did when it first came out in 2001.
Oh, Bionicle! by Matt Cipher on 2015-05-10 22:17:00 UTC Reply

I remember these from when I was just a wee lad :D I think I've completed the entire first generation! After that, I kind of lost interest.

Warning: by Voyd on 2015-05-10 22:20:00 UTC Reply

This fic is about ten miles long. It's got over 100,000 words in 46 chapters, meaning that by necessity it would have to be a marathon mission.

Unfortunately, the only marathon-mission writer familiar with Bionicle isn't here any more, Lielac Lilac.

Wat. by Desdendelle on 2015-05-10 21:52:00 UTC Reply

No words. This is just stupid.
Wat by Iximaz on 2015-05-10 21:35:00 UTC Reply

Wat

Wat

wat is this

So, she's half-angel, half-demon, has a unicorn sprite and a dragon sprite for pets, and a mechanical wing? What the heck am I reading?

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Don't worry, love by Matt Cipher on 2015-05-10 21:52:00 UTC Reply

When I'll write the sporking of it, I'm gonna reference Rose Potter :D

Could you please not call me that? by Iximaz on 2015-05-10 22:04:00 UTC Reply

Ix and Ixi or really any variation on my name is fine, but that's just a bit... intimate.

*salutes* Yes, ma'am. by Matt Cipher on 2015-05-10 22:10:00 UTC Reply

Apologies. This does sound kinda bad, when typing.

Wow, not even a paragraph in. by Voyd on 2015-05-10 21:29:00 UTC Reply

And I'm already this close to sending in the troops.

Hmm... I am trying to write a new teammate for Gabby and Chakkik.

She's native to Silent Hill, and disillusioned with religion. Something that's both demon and angel would probably be rather confusing to someone who was once part of a cult.

Or... by Scapegrace on 2015-05-10 21:53:00 UTC Reply

You could try using the agents you've got and seeing how they react to something like this with the characters you've designed for them. I'm sure Agents Space-Mantis and Boobs-Haver would be quite sufficient for a mission like this. =]

Well, Matt's already called it. by Voyd on 2015-05-10 21:59:00 UTC Reply

I actually have a hard time finding actual Suefics for Gabby and Chakkik. The problem with most Suefics? They're bloody long. If I'm looking on, say, FFNet, I try to look for fics with chapter counts in the single digits.

And sometimes that doesn't help. The 5NaF/Godzilla fic was five chapters. Even without the mission wrapped around it, it was still thirty-odd pages in Google Docs.

I still think I was really only able to keep writing that because of SkarmorySilver tagging along. I don't think I could write marathon missions on my own, eheheh.

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Hey, short fics aren't all they're cracked up to be. by Scapegrace on 2015-05-10 22:03:00 UTC Reply

Apropos of absolutely nothing, who's up for some coffee?

Why're you looking at me like that?

Look, if this is how a gentleman of breeding like Draco Malfoy serves his coffee then it's good enough for me.
You know what might help? by Matt Cipher on 2015-05-10 22:02:00 UTC Reply

The Pit has those filters, where you can specify how long do you want your fics to be. For the Suefics I usually go for the >5k words ones, and tagged "complete". This often helps.
Well, nothing says you can't cut the Suefics short. by Iximaz on 2015-05-10 22:02:00 UTC Reply

Heck, my old badfic was up to its third fic in a series, but I cut it off at chapter, uh, five of the first fic because I didn't want to spork that much?

The only reason I got as much of Rose Potter done as I did is because a) it seems to be a pseudo-tradition to showcase all of the Legendary's badness, which meant going through the whole thing, and b) I had a steady supply of M&Ms for inspiration. :3

Sorry Gremory, this one's mine :D by Matt Cipher on 2015-05-10 21:51:00 UTC Reply

My agents are native demon slayers. Calling dibs!

Who's Gremory? by Voyd on 2015-05-10 21:53:00 UTC Reply

The Silent Hill agent's name is Helen.

Just an expression I sometimes use... by Matt Cipher on 2015-05-10 21:56:00 UTC Reply

I needed something to rhyme with 'sorry'.

Also, Gremory is one of the 72 Demons of Solomon.