Subject: Submission: Harry Potter Division, DMS
Author:
Posted on: 2015-04-23 13:40:00 UTC
So, yeah... I saw THIS thing in the Pit
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11103830/1/The-Way-The-World-Works
Just the summary itself was like a warning, but the first chapter was enough to confirm the badfic. Ready your sporks, lads! It's ploughing time!
Uh. OK. Hm.
Y'know, I'm sure we could arrange a meeting with a real balor. That might be educational for 'Rowan'.
(Also, nine? Really? I think my IQ dropped just from reading this thing.)
Although, I was thinking about gathering all the gold from his inheritance and crushing him with it :3
You know, when I see bad stuff in fanfiction or even original works, I usually just cringe at the worst parts, chuckle at some of the (unintentionally) funny bits, and sometimes make snarky comments to myself regarding some awkwardly worded things...
But for the really bad writing, it's pretty much always the same reaction. Eyes wide open, gaping mouth, and sometimes even very faint screaming. For that fic... Well, try picturing me doing that while laughing. Because this is just ridiculous. 120% mission material for me, and if anyone thinks they and their agents can possibly stand PPCing that, go ahead, I'm eager to read it!
(Also. While the "blood test" might stand on its own amongst the worst stuff I've ever read in Harry Potter fanfiction (Disclaimer: I don't really read much Harry Potter fanfiction), the "1 third Veela, 1 third Vampyre, 1 third Wizard" bit... I mean, how does that even work? The only other time I've seen that kind of stuff is in the Epic of Gilgamesh, and they didn't know anything about genetics back then.)
If your eight great-grandparents consist of three Veela, three Vampyres, and two Wizards, and you can't be bothered quoting it in eighths, you could round them to 'thirds'. (The simplest way this would work would be for three of your grandparents to be Veela/Vampyre half-breeds, and one to be a Wizard. Bet you could write a story about how that came to pass!)
Alternately... um, is there really no point where the series of powers of two crosses over with the series of multiples of three? Apparently not. Bet there's an interesting reason behind that...
hS
In Spaniah that wouldn't be a problem, because there the months aren't capitalized... But September is my birthday month! HOW COULD THE STORY RUIN IT?
I'm just ranting over this little detail so I won't take five minutes ranting over how dull the first paragraph was and everything else.
*Looks at Boarder reactions*
*Pulls out a bag of popcorn and starts chowing down*
*Takes a look at fic*
*Has own hilarious reaction*
*Quietly edges away*
Don't worry, guys- I'll be back once I've cooked up some napalm.
before wanting to gouge my eyes out with a dull toothpick. I would take on that mess though, especially if no one else calls it. Obviously assuming I get permission.
This isn't Harry Potter.
It's Light Yagami.
I'm reading chapter 2, and all I can think is "Isn't this what Light spent the entire first volume monologuing about?"
... of course I dare, I'm a bleeding idiot. USE YOUR WEAPONS, THEY ARE DESIGNED TO INFLICT DAMAGE!
*reads the first chapter*
OUR WEAPONS ARE USELESS, RELIANCE UPON THEM IS DEATH!
Do we have a division armed with tactical nukes? It might just be enough to kill this ... Thing
Also: overpowered weapons is not how the PPC does business. Yes, we could destroy every badfic from orbit if we wanted, we have the technology - but that's not how we operate. Makes too much mess. ;)
(I have Opinions about this. If I thought it'd fly, I'd write the Board of Flowers banning the taking of anything into missions other than clothes, CADs, RAs, and a pen and paper. Fortunately I'm not silly enough to think I could. ;))
hS
To: Headquarters <PPC-HEADQUARTERS>
From: The Board of Flowers <sunflowerofficial.console.112358he132134an5589.rcA.DMS>
Subject: Attn! Weapons Ban, Effective Immediately.
For the attention of all agents:
Greetings. It has come to the Board's attention that too many of you have gotten sloppy. There have been reports of gunpowder residue and shell casings in Middle-earth, bodies full of stab wounds surfacing in peaceful sea-side resorts, horrifically bloated canonical monsters everywhere, and a whole host of other complaints.
Therefore, we have no choice but to ban ALL WEAPONS. That's right, all of them. You heard us. Stop that whining right now.
You may use whatever assets you can get your hands on within a given continuum, but you are not to carry ANY into the field with you. That's final.
Sincerely,
The Sunflower Official
Board of Flowers
April 1, 2015 HST
The agent hit "Send" and made a dash for the corridor. Her partner-in-crime was in full swing, waving her mace and shouting something about immoral and destructive no-fly zones. She could see Security Dandelions just rounding the corner.
"Gall, it's done! Let's beat it!"
Needing no further urging, the Viking dropped the act, and the pair of them took off away from the Dandelions, leaving a bewildered Sunflower Official behind.
"'Bout freaking time, Gremlin! I thought you were good with this electric stuff!"
"Yeah, but it had to sound right, didn't it? Hacking is one thing; composing is another!"
"Whatever." She dropped it and broke into a grin. "Think they'll buy it?"
Gremlin grinned back. "I think I can hear the screams already."
The two shared a quick high-five and kept running until they found a safe place to hide from the riots.
With apologies to PoorCynic.
~Neshomeh
You want me to do my job, no?
It's an awesome bit. I also really like this narrative that keeps popping up of Gremlin and Gall hitting it off and being a couple of crude, fun-loving troublemakers. I am totally behind the idea of that being canon.
"I CAN'T TAKE MY CROSSBOW!?"
"Ease up with the capslock, Kala. It's not just you, all agents are having their weapon privileges revoked."
Kala glared at her partner. "Easy for you to say. You get away with it because you technically don't have a weapon!"
Valon grinned and twirled his shovel. "This is why more agents need gardening equipment. Nice and all-purpose, those."
---
Yeah, not all agents have proper weapons. Some, like Valon, make use of whatever random thing they have lying around. Others have natural weapons, and still others fight unarmed.
A DOGA mission is received:
Abaddon frowned at the console. "Er. T'Zar?"
The Vulcan looked up from the granola bar she was examining. "Yes?"
"Er," said the younger agent. He pointed at the console. "We're... we're being called in."
T'Zar put down the granola bar. "What is our mission?"
Abaddon grimaced. "It's probably a mistake, really. We should lodge a complaint, or maybe just pass it on--"
T'Zar raised an eyebrow. "For what reason?"
"Well," Abaddon said, and grimaced again. (It was mainly just wrinkling his nose, a move which his mother would have said was cute and which he would have described as perfectly adult and reasonable). "It... well, our mission is to take down a Harry Potter Stu. And he's not a forest or anything, either."
T'Zar raised her other eyebrow, and walked over to examine the console readout.
"This is illogical," she said, once she had read it. "We are agents of the Department of Geographical Aberrations, not the Department of Mary Sues." She straightened and turned towards Abaddon again. "You are correct: we should lodge a complaint..."
*
The Assassins react:
"They can't do this to us!" Brenda insisted. She had both hands clenched tight around her bow, as if someone might be about to take it away from her. "We need weapons. We'reAssassins!"
Charlie made halfhearted soothing motions. "Maybe--maybe it's a joke."
Brenda glared at her. "Flowers don't joke. Which means that we're seriously going to have to go into a mission with no weapons. None. At all. Nothing but--" she leaned in to read aloud from the message on their console "--'clothes, CADs, RAs, and a pen and paper'." She shuddered, and gathered her quiver into what looked like a rather uncomfortable hug.
Charlie made a face, looking dubiously at the message. "They--they do know we're not Agent Coulson, right? He might be able to take out robbers with some flour and hand-to-hand, but we're, well, not highly trained SHIELD agents."
Brenda scoffed. "What training?" She eyed the weapons in her arms, and then looked up, her expression growing more determined. "Well, that settles it. You're right--we're not Agent Coulson. And that's exactly what we're going to march to the Flowers with, just as soon as we get together a mob..."
---
So yeah. That's what happens: DOGA gets confused and lodges a complaint; and the Assassins rebel and decide to get up a mob, because they are not Agent Coulson and would generally have trouble taking out Sues by being very creative. (I mean, I'm sure they could manage it, especially if the realize they can probably borrow canonical weapons or else raid a canonical armory, but I can't see them taking well to the change...)
~DF
Sir, you have to deal with this! It's growing above the canopy!
The SO ran his tendrils over the papers scattered across his desk. I fail to see how it is my concern. You should speak to the Bonsai Mallorn.
He won't listen to me. And then there's the other incident, which is certainly your responsibility!
Ah, yes, the... 'Equipment Limitations Regulations (Economic) (Requisitions) (Overuse)'.
Precisely. And your agents are refusing to comply!
Mm. The SO flicked at his desktop screen, pulling up the details of the complaint. Tell me, Morning Glory-
That's Quartermaster Morning Glory!
Quartermaster, Head of Finance if you like... what, exactly, made you think it was a good idea to deprive our agents of every scrap of their equipment?
Not every scrap! They-
Yes, yes. But... seriously? You thought this was going to take root?
It's an economic necessity! Do you realise how much wastage there is on weapons and suchlike?
The Sunflower Official fluttered his petals. Rather less, I think, than there would be on agents under your scheme. Retract it immediately.
You cannot simply discard-!
Either I do, or the Board of Flowers does. Retract the regulation.
I... yes, sir. The Morning Glory paused. And the other matter?
Were you sending DOGA agents into a Suefic for any reason other than to avoid issuing heavy weapons to Assassins? The Quartermaster's response was deafening in its silence. As I thought. Then I'd say the issue is resolved.
I... suppose so.
Good. The SO leant forward across the desk. Then leave.
I'm very tempted to suggest making this canon of some sort, unless there are objections. It's very amusing.
Also, well done linking the two ficlets! It's a nice touch, and it's cool to have an explanation for the DOGA misfile.
~DF
(Totally up for this being a canon event, for the record, by way of an RP or otherwise.)
hS
The day the Flowers (or at least the Morning Glory) tried to keep agents from using weapons in missions and there was a riot. Who says all the cool stuff that happens around here needs to be catastrophic in nature?
A riot with weapons...That could get catastrophic, depending on your definition of catastrophe.
... can I get your email? I have news of Operation: Sherbet Rain.
hS
iximaz (at) gmail (dot) com
*rubs hands together*
Or would the agents be expected to improvise? Because call me silly, but I think agents familiar with their weapons would do a better job (in theory) than agents who are constantly having to learn new tricks.
I'd quite like to nuke certain fics. If they're in the Harry Potter continuum and there's so much as ONE geographical aberration, then you can always nick something from Trident.
This, for them as don't know, is the British submarine-based nuclear deterrent. It's generally based in Scotland, and I'm sure a sufficiently motivated agent team could portal onto a ballistic submarine and make good on their threats of nuclear annihilation. Of course, since they might not know how to operate a nuclear submarine, there's potential for comedy there as well, in a kind of "What does this button do?" style. =]
From a purely external viewpoint, it would be much more interesting to force them to improvise or scrounge up the kit they need. "Do you think Legolas will notice if I 'borrow' his bow?" is much more fun than "I'll just reach into my personal arsenal and grab a bazooka."
Don't worry, I'm not gonna do it.
hS
But after a while, the agents would logically figure out a recurring source of weaponry for a specific canon, and it would turn into to just saying "Alice stole Legolas' bow again and..." Even if you use a different source every time, it's hard to come up with a completely different way to write what's essentially the same thing. Sure, missions tend to be formulaic by default, but that doesn't mean they need to be even more so.
And that's assuming a canon with ready access to weapons in interesting situations (i.e., belonging to a canon character). Sure, there's probably somewhere armed police officers in that slice-of-life anime, but a scene where the agents portal in and steal a gun isn't going to fit neatly into the story. That's without getting into more complex situations, like Potterverse stuff - can agents properly use a wand if they just nick it off the owner? Do they have to wrestle them for it? And how do they get ownership to transfer back to the canon character afterwards?
Plus, I'm not entirely sure agents would steal canon weapons. Personally, if weapons were banned, I'd just have my characters do a little more Thinking With Portals.
It'd be interesting to see an agent cope without their weapons, but there are a variety of ways to engineer that situation that don't involve massively altering the workings of the PPC.
I sure hope my DIC missions haven't become boring and formulaic just because my characters don't have an arsenal at their disposal and often have to think on their feet when there are Suvians involved. I try to be original and NOT fall into a rut, see, because I'm pretty sure that's my duty as a writer.
Heck, just because my DMS agents do carry weapons doesn't mean they'll use them all the time, either. That would get pretty repetitive and boring, now, wouldn't it? Besides, do you see Jay and Acacia shooting things all the time just because they like bows? I seem to recall them being plenty creative.
IMO, there's never an excuse for being lazy, parameters or no parameters.
~Neshomeh
There's nothing wrong with not having your characters use weapons! Nor is having them use weapons necessarily original. That wasn't the point. The point was just that adding in an extra requirement won't necessarily make missions better.
My main point was the same thing you're saying, really. There isn't an excuse for being lazy. More specifically, "We're allowed to bring our own weapons" isn't an excuse for being lazy, and if someone is being lazy, changing that isn't going to make them stop.
I love your missions, and I didn't mean to bash them. I'm sorry if I offended anyone.
Slightly irked, maybe, but not at you specifically. Here's what I'm seeing:
hS: Let's not use nukes, guys. That's overpowered and ridiculous. Also, here's a thought I had in response to stuff like this that will never ever actually be put into practice.
Boarders: GASP! You want to take away our shiny toys?!?! How dare you! You'll ruin everything!
Me: Really, guys? Really? Didja miss the "won't happen" part? And even if it did, I'm pretty sure I've been operating under that very restriction rather successfully for quite some time now, so it ain't a creative death sentence....
That's where I'm coming from.
~Neshomeh
I was just trying to point out why that wouldn't work. Though I guess I can see why it would seem like I was getting defensive. *cuddles longbow to her chest*
No-one will have toys! The toys are MINE!
(Is it still letting power go to your head when you don't have power? ^_^)
hS
I'm not quite sure how that works, either, but it does keep happening, doesn't it?
~Neshomeh, adding toys to the pile on the sly and watching them get popular since 2003.
To strain a metaphor slightly - seriously, Nesh, I've never seen a better heap of toys than the one we've made here. It's fantastic.
Actually - to break the metaphor - the PPC toybox mucks up my attempts to write anything else. Finding a world I'm more interested in writing than the PPC is very hard to do; most of my efforts just feel flat. I've got one promising idea right now, but apart from that... dangit, PPC, stop being so interesting!
hS
Starting all over, getting to know brand-new characters and settings and stuff, it's hard to contemplate when I'm not done with the ones I've got right here. Plus, there's a built-in audience and everything!
Here we are, two promising young-ish people, ruined for life by the thing we love most. Curse you, gods of irony!
~Neshomeh
... combinations!
It's hard to come up with ideas I like as much as the PPC ('more than' is clearly impossible), but coming up with ideas I quite like isn't too hard. So... combine them! My current 'maybe' project is a mashup of three completely separate things - massive flooding, Balkanised Britain, and Greek gods. Sure, I've had to change each of the ideas to slot them together - the balkanisation has gone differently, and the gods (sadly) haven't been continually worshipped - but it's given me a nifty toy to play with and develop.
So pick up your halfway-toys and slap them onto each other. See what fits! Discard the bits that don't - hey, you weren't using them anyway, and this way, you can save them for another setting.
hS
Even my original story hasn't been able to hold my interest as much as the PPC. Which is a bit sad, because if I ever become published I'll anonymously do missions in my old continuum.
...actually, that would be really weird if I did that...
Even my original story hasn't been able to hold my interest as much as the PPC. Which is a bit sad, because if I ever become published I'll anonymously do missions in my own continuum.
...actually, that would be really weird if I did that...
That would set up some very satisfying disproportionate retribution.
*snatches the weapons away and scuttles off, muttering about the Preciouses*
So I'll modify my previous statement: while outlawing all equipment, I will also outlaw Not Being The Best Writer Ever. There can be no excuses; violations of Our Imperial Commandments will be met with extreme telling-off, followed by death, followed by 'I told you so'.
hS
Your detanglers don't use weapons a whole lot because their job is to get continua, well, detangled. If a Sue happens to pop up, they deal with it to the best of their ability. Same as with bad slashers.
For Floaters and assassins, though, you'd (hopefully) want them to at least have a weapon at their disposal because they have the most Sues to kill. But I like to have my agents use weapons either a)when nothing appropriately ironic presents itself for an assassination or b)when I want to make a particularly anticlimactic death, which can be just as funny in its own right.
Basically, though, if you're planning on killing stuff, you don't go in without the means to do so.
There's nothing common sense about nukes, nor anything particularly entertaining, either. Which I think was the original point hS was trying to make.
(And anyway, it's been done, so it ain't even original.)
~Neshomeh
Just weapons in general, and hS did say he'd like to see what would happen if all weapons were banned, not just nukes. And while big kabooms are fun in Mythbusters, they're not as much fun unless it's DOGA. (Of course, there are always exceptions.)
Though actually I just said I'd like to do it, not that I'd like to see what happened... [Evil grin]
But no, I'm well aware that it's not a thing that is even advisable; I just delight in speculating about throwing a spanner in the works.
Not to mention some of my favourite assassinations were precisely of the 'we have no weapons, what do we do?' variety.
hS
It still doesn't make sense from an in-universe standpoint. Which would kill the humor when you wonder why the agents aren't given the means to do the best job possible?
(Please ignore the Useless Directions they give to newbies. Point 'em at a Sue and let them at it.)
-doesn't make me think that this will be a particularly IC fic for Harry. Or something that I'll like.
Rowan, fine. That's a nice name. Balor? Okay...doesn't really ring any bells for me.
Arawn Death-Lord, on the other hand, does.
Coupled with the other reactions in this thread, I'd say it won't be good.
~DF
Balor was a one-eyed giant from Irish mythology. His "Evil Eye" was known to cause droughts and overall havoc, when opened.
As to Rowan...not much pops up, but I think this might be relevant:
"Rowan is the tree of power, causing life and magic to flower."
-from http://www.thegoddesstree.com/trees/Rowan.htm
Think that's what the author was going for?
~DF
The old ways of RL druids held three trees as more sacred than any other; one of which, rowan, was set above the others. This makes sense for a Sue, especially since we know how much Sues love plant names to give them an "ooh, I'm at one with Mother Earth" feel that makes bloody Ferngully look subtle. And yes, I did some research on this a while back.
We therefore put down the not!Harry with a yew longbow. Yew's another sacred tree, was used to make longbows during the Middle Ages, and is also known as the Tree Of Death. It seems fitting. =]
Also, over here, Rowan's generally a girl's name. JSYK. =]
Rowan Balor Arawn is not ordina;sldkfjadkslf;j
Good grief. Some of this--parcelmagic, for instance, and Metamorphangus--was kind of hilarious, but for the most part...no. Just no.
Also, anyone claiming that Arawn is an ordinary, forgettable name...I can't. He'd be better off using Evans, or Jones, or something, but I suppose that wouldn't be unusual enough...no, he has to go for a villain's first name instead!
Harry Arawn Death-Lord. That's my new name for this Stu.
Also? The author must have chosen this on purpose. The first results on Google for 'Arawn' turn up, oh, y'know, Welsh mythology and the Chronicles of Prydain. Mind you, Annwn seems to be rather a nicer place than Annuvin, but either way, Harry Potter--Harry Potter--is using the name of the Welsh ruler of the underworld. Harry Potter is doing this.
I'm out. But willing to do a co-write, actually, if anyone's interested.
(Oh, and what's with all the random underlining and bolding? At first it makes some sense, but then it just gets random.)
~DF
I don't know much about HP, but even I know "Harrison James Potter" should take a false name based on an anagram like "I am John Peter Starros."
...the author had deliberately changed it to Harrison just so Harry could do the "I am" anagram.
Grief, the Potters sucked at naming. ^_~
hS
"was called Harry. It might have been Harvey. Or Harold."
Don't have the book in front of me, so I apologize if the quote ain't 100% accurate.
I don't know if you noticed (you might've been busy taking shot of Bleepka), but check out the estates Harry owns (aside from Durmstrang or Merlin's Manor):
Avalon
Now look at his Vaults:
Elizabeth's Personal Vault
.
.
.
Avalon is a mythological name for the British Isles... and, if Elizabeth is who I think she is, it basically means Harry owns THE ENTIRE PLOUGHING COUNTRY!!!
I'm THIS CLOSE o --> x from going Flamethrower Insane.
I'm not going near this thing again with a fifty-parsec pole. Someone else can mission it.
*throws a tantrum before leaving*
"Harry only smiled at Hagrid and pretended he didn't want to smash his skull in. He had long ago decided he was going to wait a few years until he started killing."
WHAT IS THIS WHY DO YOU THINK THIS IS ACCEPTABLE AUTHOR WHAT
And to think I was annoyed before at Hagrid calling him 'Arry, when it's Mundungus who does that.
~DF
I think we need Bleeptea. Where's Des when you need him?
~DF
He's been radio silent all day.
*hugs Dawn* There, there... Want some Cinnamon Bleep Crunch? My newest invention :3
I didn't even make it to the end of the first chapter, but that is horrific!
*dives under a table and stays there, shuddering*
I think you'd better check that cupboard under the stairs... you'll find a plot hole and a very confused nine-year-old kid.
I just read a few paragraphs, and got Rose Potter flashbacks... Please, don't let Agent Dives near this awful piece of bantha poodoo, someone else do it.
(Unless of course, Iximaz is feeling sadistic.)
I don't know yet; the school' wifi blocks the Pit. I suppose I will come back with a judgement call later in the day. >:)
We may use it as my agent's training mission! :D
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
IT'S ROSE POTTER AND FOUR FOUNDERS ROLLED TOGETHER
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
SOMEONE ELSE CAN HAVE IT
*flips her desk over and walks away*
It was a very tame reaction, really...
Hugging my stuffed animal and trying to convince myself that if I don't look at it, I can pretend it doesn't exist. *sobs*
*walks over to Iximaz and offers her a chocolate chip cookie*
Ugh, the only time it starts getting real dialogue is when it catches up to when the canon events start. It's copied almost word-for-word from the movies.
Why am I still reading this it's horrible why why why
*hands Ixi a torch and a pitchfork* Really helpful, Gaston approves :)