To: Headquarters <PPC-HEADQUARTERS>
From: The Board of Flowers <sunflowerofficial.console.112358he132134an5589.rcA.DMS>
Subject: Attn! Weapons Ban, Effective Immediately.

For the attention of all agents:

Greetings. It has come to the Board's attention that too many of you have gotten sloppy. There have been reports of gunpowder residue and shell casings in Middle-earth, bodies full of stab wounds surfacing in peaceful sea-side resorts, horrifically bloated canonical monsters everywhere, and a whole host of other complaints.

Therefore, we have no choice but to ban ALL WEAPONS. That's right, all of them. You heard us. Stop that whining right now.

You may use whatever assets you can get your hands on within a given continuum, but you are not to carry ANY into the field with you. That's final.

Sincerely,

The Sunflower Official
Board of Flowers
April 1, 2015 HST

The agent hit "Send" and made a dash for the corridor. Her partner-in-crime was in full swing, waving her mace and shouting something about immoral and destructive no-fly zones. She could see Security Dandelions just rounding the corner.

"Gall, it's done! Let's beat it!"

Needing no further urging, the Viking dropped the act, and the pair of them took off away from the Dandelions, leaving a bewildered Sunflower Official behind.

"'Bout freaking time, Gremlin! I thought you were good with this electric stuff!"

"Yeah, but it had to sound right, didn't it? Hacking is one thing; composing is another!"

"Whatever." She dropped it and broke into a grin. "Think they'll buy it?"

Gremlin grinned back. "I think I can hear the screams already."

The two shared a quick high-five and kept running until they found a safe place to hide from the riots.

With apologies to PoorCynic.

~Neshomeh

A DOGA mission is received:


Abaddon frowned at the console. "Er. T'Zar?"

The Vulcan looked up from the granola bar she was examining. "Yes?"

"Er," said the younger agent. He pointed at the console. "We're... we're being called in."

T'Zar put down the granola bar. "What is our mission?"

Abaddon grimaced. "It's probably a mistake, really. We should lodge a complaint, or maybe just pass it on--"

T'Zar raised an eyebrow. "For what reason?"

"Well," Abaddon said, and grimaced again. (It was mainly just wrinkling his nose, a move which his mother would have said was cute and which he would have described as perfectly adult and reasonable). "It... well, our mission is to take down a Harry Potter Stu. And he's not a forest or anything, either."

T'Zar raised her other eyebrow, and walked over to examine the console readout.

"This is illogical," she said, once she had read it. "We are agents of the Department of Geographical Aberrations, not the Department of Mary Sues." She straightened and turned towards Abaddon again. "You are correct: we should lodge a complaint..."

*
The Assassins react:


"They can't do this to us!" Brenda insisted. She had both hands clenched tight around her bow, as if someone might be about to take it away from her. "We need weapons. We'reAssassins!"

Charlie made halfhearted soothing motions. "Maybe--maybe it's a joke."

Brenda glared at her. "Flowers don't joke. Which means that we're seriously going to have to go into a mission with no weapons. None. At all. Nothing but--" she leaned in to read aloud from the message on their console "--'clothes, CADs, RAs, and a pen and paper'." She shuddered, and gathered her quiver into what looked like a rather uncomfortable hug.

Charlie made a face, looking dubiously at the message. "They--they do know we're not Agent Coulson, right? He might be able to take out robbers with some flour and hand-to-hand, but we're, well, not highly trained SHIELD agents."

Brenda scoffed. "What training?" She eyed the weapons in her arms, and then looked up, her expression growing more determined. "Well, that settles it. You're right--we're not Agent Coulson. And that's exactly what we're going to march to the Flowers with, just as soon as we get together a mob..."

---
So yeah. That's what happens: DOGA gets confused and lodges a complaint; and the Assassins rebel and decide to get up a mob, because they are not Agent Coulson and would generally have trouble taking out Sues by being very creative. (I mean, I'm sure they could manage it, especially if the realize they can probably borrow canonical weapons or else raid a canonical armory, but I can't see them taking well to the change...)

~DF

Or would the agents be expected to improvise? Because call me silly, but I think agents familiar with their weapons would do a better job (in theory) than agents who are constantly having to learn new tricks.

In that case, could you become my Beta for that?

He's been radio silent all day.

*hugs Dawn* There, there... Want some Cinnamon Bleep Crunch? My newest invention :3

It was a very tame reaction, really...