One comment I have is on paragraph 2, where, on top of the edit "monster whichthat could", you might want to consider breaking up that long sentence a bit and reducing the repetition of "weakness" (if you can find a way to do that). Similar comments apply to paragraph 4.
You've also got an extra comma before "because" in paragraph 3.
That all being said, I think this was a pretty decent fight scene.
- Tomash
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Thoughts by
on 2018-11-02 08:31:00 UTC
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Stealing Harry by
on 2018-11-02 07:41:00 UTC
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Stealing Harry is, from what I can tell, an interesting AU where Lucius Malfoy went to Azkaban for killing Peter Pettigrew instead of Sirues. This results in Sirius and Remus running a bookshop to keep an eye on Harry from a distance, and eventually rescuing him from the Durslay's when he's eight.
Overall, it's well written and it doesn't look like anyone's particularly OOOC.
- Tomash
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"Hello," Peregrin said, approaching the group. by
on 2018-11-02 07:01:43 UTC
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He was dressed as Gandalf, with a wizard hat, gray cloak, and staff replacing his usual black robes.
"Happy Halloween! I think. Still not sure how happy this is supposed to be."
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Nobody chooses their own name! by
on 2018-11-02 06:07:00 UTC
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Unless, I suppose, the name in question is an internet pseudonym. In that case, yes, I did choose my own name. Perhaps I should reconsider.
But I'm glad you enjoyed it! Yes, that is indeed a cactus print. Let it never be said that Snowy's costume-making sessions lacked attention to detail. (I was also going to make leaf mittens, but then I realized I wouldn't be able to take pictures with those on.)
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The only warning the siblings had to the incoming danger was the clatter of high heels on the floor. by
on 2018-11-02 05:17:02 UTC
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Well, the clatter of heels, and the wordless growl that accompanied it. And the shouts of, "Look out!" and "Get out of the way!" and one shout of, "YOUR BANGS!" That last was probably addressed to the person barreling towards them who probably had no idea where they were, given that they would have had to have x-ray vision to see through their hair. Thus, they were now bearing down on the siblings, and if they didn't move, there was going to be a collision. There would probably be one if they did move anyways, but it would be between the stranger and the wall instead.
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Dilx shook his head. by
on 2018-11-02 04:46:13 UTC
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"Oh, don't worry," he said. "I know how hatchlings can be, and she didn't even pull anything out. Which isn't to say you shouldn't be trying to get her to stop!" he added hastily. "It's definitely a good idea, just - you know. I'm not about to start shedding early about it." He then blushed, realizing that that probably sounded really, really weird to somebody without scales.
Animus bumped against him slightly, and Dilx's blush faded slightly. "How old is Elanor?" the taller man asked. "While I admit to my own experiences in the area being rather atypical, what I recall of most children implies they should not be communicating at her level at her apparent age."
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((XD Oh, *Gall.*)) by
on 2018-11-02 00:06:02 UTC
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"Nowhere to keep the baby," Charlotte said. "And the, uh, problem translates over, using the disguise generator. She's been tested. I know adopting's still a thing, but it's... more the fact we wouldn't have any other option, you know?"
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"Why not?" by
on 2018-11-01 23:30:37 UTC
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"Gall," Derik said sharply. "That's an insensitive question." To Charlotte: "I'm sorry, my best efforts have so far failed to instill a sense of propriety in my partner."
Gall snorted. "You've instilled plenty in me."
There was a very subtle twitch in Derik's cheek. It was likely stress, but quite possibly he was refusing to laugh at that in front of a presumed-nice presumed-stranger.
"Anyway, it's a fair question," Gall said. "Do you know how many stories I've heard about weird ways people have gotten pregnant around here? It's enough to make you think we're weird for doing it with good old-fashioned boinking."
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"No, it's..." by
on 2018-11-01 22:31:55 UTC
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Charlotte sighed, glancing up at Derik as he returned. Ix lingered by the food table, looking no more morose than normal, so she figured she wasn't too upset by her conversation with Derik.
"We can't have kids," Charlotte said. "Well. She can't. It's a bit of a sore spot for her, especially since I want one..."
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BTW, people who are new/unsure... by
on 2018-11-01 21:46:00 UTC
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It's usually okay to jump into a thread if something catches your interest. Like, if two characters are having a more intimate moment, you/your characters may wish to exercise common courtesy and leave them alone, but on the other hand, it might be okay to interrupt because of the Narrative Laws of Comedy. If you're not sure, just ask. More people/characters makes things more complicated, but as long as everyone takes turns and no one is left behind, it's fine. {= )
~Neshomeh
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I think I see it... by
on 2018-11-01 21:17:00 UTC
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But Cuztec's last stand was the best scene in the entire show. That's how you end a character arc. Never before or since was the phrase "I'll figure something out" so badass or so poignant. This from a guy who was introduced as a permanently helmeted strawman. It kinda feels like the show giving a middle finger to itself.
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Truly? (nm) by
on 2018-11-01 21:09:00 UTC
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"Hmph." by
on 2018-11-01 20:55:41 UTC
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"They must be either very brave or very foolish, or both, to take on a Titan in melee. Generally most warriors die before they get there," Leonidas remarked. Sammy nudged him.
"Not that kind of Titan, either, probably. These are giant naked sort-of people who eat regular sized people."
The Space Marine nodded. "I see. Like feral Ogryn on some worlds. And yes, my real name is Leonidas. Who was the real one? What do you mean by the 'bad one'?"
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The boys returned Sammy's salute and gave their names. by
on 2018-11-01 19:33:28 UTC
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It took them a moment to rebound from Ferrux's boggling stream of talk.
"Um, the Scout Regiment is from Attack on Titan," Ian said, once more taking up the job of explaining things. "They go outside the city walls, they can almost fly with their omni-directional mobility gear" —he patted his replica, which was primarily made of cardboard— "and they fight Titans." He cut the explanation off there, just in case, unaware of the potentially hilarious ambiguity of the term.
Henry grinned at Ferrux. "Did you say you're a dragon? You should go talk to Thoth. He's being a dragonrider." Switching gears, he turned to address the new Space Marine. "Is Leonidas your real name, or is that your costume? You don't look like the real Leonidas. Or even the bad one."
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(( hS, did you cheat and start your NaNovel early? ^_~ )) (nm) by
on 2018-11-01 18:50:00 UTC
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Hello newbie. by
on 2018-11-01 18:43:00 UTC
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It's been a long time for me since I said these words, so I'm celebrating this with a double gift: You'll get both the pot of black-hole coffee, and a bag of black-hole chocolates. Enjoy them and your stay ere.
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And you call yourself sane! {X D by
on 2018-11-01 18:42:00 UTC
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That is fabulous, fantastic work. And, am I imagining things, or is the bikini some sort of cactus print?
~Neshomeh
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Dragging myself out of the grave... to ask for a beta by
on 2018-11-01 18:40:00 UTC
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I have a little prompt ready for this one, but I saw it again recently, my level of English forbids me of publishing anything without a beta-reader. SpaG is the main issue, but I'll take advices for anything else. Youu can post an answer here, email me, or PM on Discord.
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"Sir Ialthos, at your service—" by
on 2018-11-01 18:04:49 UTC
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"And Ferrux the Dragon!" The big man looked down at the kids, grinning broadly. "Hey, you guys look cool! What are scouts? How did you make the costumes? Where do you come from? What are your names! I'm dressed as Iskandar! Can you tell me anything about him? I honestly don't know much, everyone just says I look like him, so I figured why not..."
"Excuse him," said Ialthos, sighing quietly. "He always gets like this around kids."
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Gall chuckled. "Are you kidding?" by
on 2018-11-01 17:37:51 UTC
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"They're terrible—that's the point. But, why jealous?" She followed Charlotte's look and raised an eyebrow. "She doesn't want kids?"
"You're not," Derik assured Ix. He gave the masked agent a curious look. Something about the cadence of her voice was tugging at a memory, but it refused to surface. He shook his head. "Well, I had better take this over. If I'm lucky, I can get her settled down and go pretend I'm not an idiot for half an hour or so." He gave Ix a little half-smile to show he was kidding—mostly—and walked back. On the way, he paused to snag a pair of suspiciously neon-colored fritters.
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Where did you even find that head prop? O.O (nm) by
on 2018-11-01 17:12:00 UTC
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"Hi!" "Greetings." by
on 2018-11-01 16:49:37 UTC
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Sammy waved at the two boys, almost his age but not quite. "I'm Sammy, Gunpla builder and battler, although right now I'm doing neither. Your Scout outfits look great." With a wink, he put a fist over his chest in the iconic salute of the Scouts.
"If you're Scouts, shouldn't you be wearing carapace armor?" Leonidas interjected. "And are those jump packs of some kind? Those aren't issued until a Scout progresses to the Assault Squads of the 8th Company..."
Sammy rolled his eyes, but seemed unperturbed by his partner's critique of the newcomers. "Wrong canon, mate."
"That explains much. And as I forgot to introduce myself, I am Master Leonidas of the Dark Angels Chapter."
(I really need to read those stories. I've only really read the Original Series, and new missions as they come out. :P Naturally, Leonidas hasn't seen Attack on Titan since it'd be funny to have him mistake the meaning of the term Scout to refer to a newly recruited Space Marine...)
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"She used to be a nanny." by
on 2018-11-01 16:35:38 UTC
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Zeb shoved his hands in his pockets as they walked. "Back on Gallifrey. I am sorry about Elanor," he added, blush deepening. "She seems to like testing what she can get away with. We're trying to curb the habit, with... varying success."