Subject: Good work.
Author:
Posted on: 2015-01-10 19:53:00 UTC

And we see yet another Boarder overcome the shackles of an old shame. Good work, Rina!

However, there are a few things amiss with the mission:

1) In this segment, it takes a while to figure out who said what in the middle paragraph:

"Ooh, I wanna be in Hufflepuff!" Randa said. Rina looked at her.

"...said nobody in the history of forever," she said slowly. Randa kicked at her. "Ow! Randa, you know I didn't mean that!" Rina rubbed her shin. "I like Hufflepuffs too, come on!"

"Hufflepuff," Randa said firmly.


I eventually figured out that all of the quotes in the middle paragraph are Rina's lines, but the paragraphing threw me off. (You have Rina react at the end of the first paragraph, then start a new paragraph with a quote, so I expected a change in speaker back to Randa. The "she" in the paragraph muddied the water even more. Only the context of the rest of the paragraph cleared everything up.) Please allow me suggest a fix:

"Ooh, I wanna be in Hufflepuff!" Randa said.

Rina looked at her. "...said nobody in the history of forever," she said slowly.

Randa kicked at her.

"Ow! Randa, you know I didn't mean that!" Rina rubbed her shin. "I like Hufflepuffs too, come on!"

"Hufflepuff," Randa said firmly.


This way, it's a lot clearer who said what.

2)
A horrible smell hit them just then; Rina peered out into the corridor. "Here comes Peter," she said, one hand pressed over her nose, "and he's covered in Stinksap." ...

Randa couldn't keep the grin off her face. "So, what have we learned here about proof reading?"

Rina stuck her tongue out.


Unless the Stinksap is something that a Harry Potter fan should know about, I'm guessing that it's the result of a spelling error in the Words. Please tell me what the context is.

Either way, not too shabby a mission.

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