Subject: Nice work!
Author:
Posted on: 2015-01-10 02:28:00 UTC
Rina and Randa are right, by the way; that foreshadowing is kind of unsubtle. (Also, I was confused when Rina used the DORKS to restore her disguise. When did the disguise drop?)
And...oh my Din, you're doing My Inner Life? Can I help in any possible capacity? I want to help Hyrule too!
Here it is, my old badfic ripped apart for all to see.
And we see yet another Boarder overcome the shackles of an old shame. Good work, Rina!
However, there are a few things amiss with the mission:
1) In this segment, it takes a while to figure out who said what in the middle paragraph:
"Ooh, I wanna be in Hufflepuff!" Randa said. Rina looked at her.
"...said nobody in the history of forever," she said slowly. Randa kicked at her. "Ow! Randa, you know I didn't mean that!" Rina rubbed her shin. "I like Hufflepuffs too, come on!"
"Hufflepuff," Randa said firmly.
I eventually figured out that all of the quotes in the middle paragraph are Rina's lines, but the paragraphing threw me off. (You have Rina react at the end of the first paragraph, then start a new paragraph with a quote, so I expected a change in speaker back to Randa. The "she" in the paragraph muddied the water even more. Only the context of the rest of the paragraph cleared everything up.) Please allow me suggest a fix:
"Ooh, I wanna be in Hufflepuff!" Randa said.
Rina looked at her. "...said nobody in the history of forever," she said slowly.
Randa kicked at her.
"Ow! Randa, you know I didn't mean that!" Rina rubbed her shin. "I like Hufflepuffs too, come on!"
"Hufflepuff," Randa said firmly.
This way, it's a lot clearer who said what.
2)
A horrible smell hit them just then; Rina peered out into the corridor. "Here comes Peter," she said, one hand pressed over her nose, "and he's covered in Stinksap." ...
Randa couldn't keep the grin off her face. "So, what have we learned here about proof reading?"
Rina stuck her tongue out.
Unless the Stinksap is something that a Harry Potter fan should know about, I'm guessing that it's the result of a spelling error in the Words. Please tell me what the context is.
Either way, not too shabby a mission.
I'll clear that up when I get home.
And Stinksap is a Potterverse thing. It was sprayed by Neville's Mimbulus Mimbletonia when he jabbed it with a quill. I'm sure there are other instances, but I'm drawing a blank right now. *hangs head in shame*
I think the twins use the stuff as an ingredient in one of their souped-up Dungbomb replacements at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.
(NB: I really, REALLY hate it when people get the name wrong. I mean, it's a pun, gang, but it's a pun that Americans almost uniformly don't get so they just assume it was something different. IDK, maybe it's changed in the American editions or something, but it crops up everywhere in the Pit and it makes me want to stab stuff.)
When do people get the name wrong? Or rather, how? What name?
Sorry if I sound really derby right now, but I have no clue what you're talking about... :(
It has often been my experience that American authors call the Weasley twins' business "Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes". This is not what it's called, and the reason for that is that the phrase "wizard wheeze" is a slightly archaic term (I think it was used in the Just William books, but don't quote me on that) for a really good practical joke or prank of some description. Wizard Wheezes is the perfect name for the business, not least because it's something people have half a chance of getting in Diagon Alley and so forth. Changing it to Wizarding Wheezes, well... that irks.
Just a spot.
=]
Rina and Randa are right, by the way; that foreshadowing is kind of unsubtle. (Also, I was confused when Rina used the DORKS to restore her disguise. When did the disguise drop?)
And...oh my Din, you're doing My Inner Life? Can I help in any possible capacity? I want to help Hyrule too!
Rina changed back to normal after the boat ride. And kind of unsubtle? It was about as subtle as a baseball bat to the face. >_>
As for My Inner Life *shudders*, Randa's got LoZ knowledge out the wazoo... but would you like to beta? I'd be honored. :3
Since I'm planning on tackling Little Miss Mary and Rose Potter further down the line, I figured a non-Legendary Badfic (how is it not, now that I think of it? I stumbled across it years ago) of epic proportions would be a nice starting point.
It's pretty awesome, and it shows a good deal of courage to go through an old shame and have to read it critically, usually with a stiff drink and a therapist nearby.
One thing that struck me was that the D.O.R.K.S unit disguised itself as a copy of Magical Me, which seemed odd considering this is set in the Marauder era and the book wasn't published until the autumn of 1992. But then I realised; that's exactly the kind of totally minor deviation from canon that wouldn't upset the Words at all but a PPC agent would definitely notice. Good job. =]
But it's probably better to save it for the next mission- wait, crap, I'm too young to drink! D:
I just figured the D.O.R.K.S. was being stupid on purpose... ^_^' But we'll pretend your interpretation is what I planned. Yep. *grins sheepishly*
Regardless of the illegality, there's been no word on how well Bleeprin and related products work in regards to blood-alcohol content. It goes kaboomsky enough on the outside; its effects on one's arteries doesn't really bear thinking about.
But I am anyway.
I r smurt.
Bleeprun! The Bleepproduct that comes to you! Of course, it's more likely to be the Bleepproduct you have to chase down. ;)
Nick a replicator or something similar from a sci-fi badfic, bolt some legs on it, have it run around to the RCs in question!
And have them look like this. =]
Probably with the same bad temper. I mean, would *you* be happy if you constantly had to give away your Bleeprin?
Rina's pain is so palpable I can't stop cringing. It makes for a unique mission, though, particularly the acknowledgments of when you did learn from your mistakes (and when you tried without understanding what actually made a Sue). Plus the resulting back-and-forth with the Agents is a lot of fun.
There were some things that I knew I had to avoid, like urple prose and tragic backstories, but that alone wasn't enough... >_>
Glad you enjoyed it!
The mission was very fun to read, though as a lover of terrible puns I didn't mind the Sirius/serious thing too much. I definitely relate to Rina's pain, though, and it's times like this I am happy none of my fics ever got past first chapters (and were all deleted years ago.)
"Are you serious?"
"Yes, I am. Oh, sorry, I thought you meant my name."
Not sure if it's funny, but it's probaby an improvement over what you had.
Why yes, I am a pun enthusiast. Puns are supposedy the lowest form of wit... but wit is the highest form of humor.
Bad jokes aside, it's nigh impossible to find a Marauders-era fic that doesn't use the Sirius/serious thing at least once. You'd be hard-pressed to come up with a variation that doesn't make most people just roll their eyes. If I ever rewrite that story, I'll most likely just cut them and save everyone the headache.
I would've done the same thing with "Rise of the Galeforces" myself, but sadly, I have never had the time to write any fanfic since my graduate degrees and it was doomed from the beginning anyway. At least in your case you stuck to a single continuum.
But anyway, I think it would be an interesting idea to try writing about a fifth marauder in a more realistic way, and possibly explore what happened to her and why they don't mention her in canon. It'll be hard, of course, but maybe it'll be a worthwhile investment. Maybe...
(*ushers marauder to the HFA*)
The plan I had from the beginning involved time travel and alternate timelines, but it required a Time-Turner. This wouldn't have been a problem, but JKR recently said on Pottermore that Time-Turners can go back only a few hours.
Not to mention I kind of stole an idea from A:TLA and the Sue also needed those stupid prophetic dreams in order to motivate her... I don't know. It would take a lot of finnageling. Which is sad, because I had ideas on how another Marauder would have an impact on Harry's story.
I was actually reminded of my very first PPC mission while reading this - though to be fair, I sporked that 35-chapter horror story specifically to clear my name as a writer and to give Falchion a jump-start on character development. Yours comes off as more of a "Why not tackle an old shames for spits and giggles?" kind of deal, which isn't a bad thing.
And dear Arceus, "My Inner Life"? Oh wow, you have my sympathies. *virtual hugs* Godspeed, you two, and may you have Farore's blessing (and a firm grip on your sanity!)!
I'd been looking forward to sporking my old shame, and the deed is at last complete!
But yeah, My Inner Life... *shudders* The badly-written sex scenes, atrocious grammar, and utter Suishness were horrible enough on their own, but poor (RL) Randa has it way worse... she's a major LoZ fan, so this one hits her harder than it does me.
