Subject: Talking from experience
Author:
Posted on: 2014-05-22 19:07:00 UTC

After a lot of scrolling and checking, I remembered that my two Permission requests were about a month apart, but then just because that's how long it took me, it doesn't mean that's how long it should take you, we're 2 different people after all (unless there's something we're not telling each other, or ourself or however that would work :P).
It should be noted that I am in no way a PG and so my thoughts below don't really count for much.

I like Spencer Ellis, well like may not be the right word for it, but he's one of those characters that I like as a character but would absolutely hate as a person IRL if you get what I mean. Just one thing, how did he get into the DMS from the Department of Finance, did he ask? did he misbehave til he was fired? Just a little thing that I'd like filled in personally. I would also like to find about about Moore at some point, does he appear from time to time to talk to Ellis? How is he doing in DIA? What is he like? etc.

With Bessie, I'm not so sure, I think she works as a character and could be quite fun to interact with, but I'm not so sure on the 'bouncing around' that she's done, Ellis I can understand, Bessie no so much. Personally I'd remove her bit about being in the CPS, instead having her go straight to the DMS after she comes out of medical.

Wells, seems a bit weird to me, you seem to have made her into a somewhat stereotypical young-teenage girl. You've also had her bounce around many different departments that it almost feels to me like you're trying to get some kind of 'achievement' by having had at least one character in each department before you start writing missions for them. You've also missed out how she comes to be in the DMS, the last department you list is Temporal Offences, then you have her thing with Plank, yet Plank is in the Department of Mary Sue Experimentation and Research, which isn't even an action department, so why, if she as partnered with Plank either of them would be out in the field, I don't really get. Finally the last couple of lines are a bit confusing, you say Wells 'then faced a troubling time in her life' but don't say how it was troubling or anything, instead moving on to something about Plank, which should rightfully be in Planks's part not Wells'.

Which leads me onto Plank, I've never seen someone ask for Permission with 4 characters, 3's a rarity. But onto Plank himself. He seems OK, I think. Once again though you seem to have forgotten to tell us how he ends up in the Department of Mary Sue Experimentation and Research, it's not really clear especially when you consider's Wells' backstory. Another thing is that from Plank's backstory he and Wells seem to have worked together for about 5 years in the DMS, now I'm no expert, but that sounds like a very long time without either of them going insane/needing to take a rest.

A quick note as well. It's Inventor not Inventer.

Overall (I'm not going into the prompts in this post, I've already gone on long enough) I think it's better than last time, but I'm not sure if you need as many agents as you've got at the moment. Personally I'd keep Ellis and Bessie and introduce Plank and Wells at a future point, I'd keep mentioning them though, maybe even making Plank and Wells the pair that recruited Ellis, little bits like that that hint to them until you've got to a point where you can write all 4 of them in.

These are my thoughts anyway.

Storme Hawk
(who's currently browsing the archives to find out just how far back they go)

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