Subject: I don't drink hard liquor
Author:
Posted on: 2012-12-18 00:49:00 UTC
But I am sipping a nice Bordeaux right now. :)
I have browsed some random fic and both the fics and the responses I get from the authors when I leave reviews suggest that there is hardly anybody above the age 17 in the whole LotR/Hobbit section of FF.net...
The Hobbit Badfic Post!
The quest for Tashadar's orb, rated T.
-Bilbo bagins is offered by a stranger to join him, in a long quest for an ancient artifact which had the power to save his city from Sauron's evil forces;he accepts,and begins his journey.He finally finds it, and keeps it for itself...the rest is story
-Sounds like a Stu to me, unless this Tashadar person is from another continuum. Any bells?
The Half-Elf, rated M
-Elena is a the girl who needs no one. Much like Thorin Oakenshield. When she is transported to another world, her strength will be tested. Love will blossom and friendships forged as she joins Thorin's company on their quest to the Lonely Mountain. Will she discover who she truly is? Rated M for language, Strong romance, alcohol consumption, and violence. Some Movie scenes!
-I have no bloody clue what's going on other than there's a 15th walker and she yells a lot. Also, she's a half-elf and 19... years... old? I'm fairly certain aging for half-elves is very different than for humans... ALSO GRELVISH. MY EARS ARE BLEEDING.
Pet, rated K+
-The very same day Gandalf visits Bilbo for the first time seeking someone with whom he can share in an adventure, a brave clueless teenager falls headfirst into Bilbos life, seeking an adventure of her own.
-WHY OH WHY IS SHE CALLED PET I know it's short for Petunia but THAT IS THE WORST NICKNAME EVER IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEONE'S PROPERTY. Also, she... er... got sucked into Middle-earth. Yeah. (this one you might want to keep on surveillance; it's not as bad as the others but it might go there...)
Ivy's Angel, rated K+
-When Ivy is transported to middle earth she quickly falls in love with Legolas, who swears to protect her and love her forever. But when she and Frodo are kidnapped by souroman, He must find a way to save her
-This got filed into the wrong section I think. But still, it's painful to look at. Also... souroman? Sounds like some new type of sour candy.
Devil Take The Hindmost, rated T
-Diana Scott finally gets to see "The Hobbit" at the midnight premiere. But when a voice claiming to belong to the evil Sauron apparentally sends her to Middle-Earth to change the fate of The Company, she finds herself falling in love with the two men Sauron wants most to destroy.
-Why the everloving frick would Sauron ever send her to Middle-earth?!
This was reported before, but I thought I'd put it here again:
There and Back Again, rated K+
-Erudessa Nuneth works for Bilbo Baggins and has done so for many years. She goes along with him on his great adventure to the Lonely Mountain. But there is more to this girl than meets the eye. She carries a deep secret that only one of the company knows.
-Why is she Bilbo's maid? Why is she an elf in the Shire? Why is she bossing the Dwarves around? Why is she packing inappropriate foods for the quest? WHY IS SHE EVEN GOING ON THE QUEST AT ALL?! Just... why.
Also, this gem from the LotR section:
LOTR: Ariannas Story, rated T
-Follows through the LOTR, Arianna joins the fellowship on their quest.
-Well, this one follows just about every LotR Sue cliché to ever exist, including: hails from non-Middle-earthian kingdom, is the princess of said kingdom, creating mini-Balrogs, wait what the hell is Sauron doing what what NO STOP. I think DOGA needs to tackle her; she seems to hop around Middle-earth like each place is a stone-throw away.
Can't someone just release a movie without people making bad fan stories right after opening night? It is very insulting to the people who made the film.
I noted how many fanfics there were in The Hobbit section of FF.net before the movie opened... and it is exploding. Before we know it, it will be a 1000 stories, and I don't believe a tenth of that number would be goodfic...
...doing this just for kicks because math is comprised of large quantities of Fun.
If we assume that the number of people (and thus fanfic authors) who have seen The Hobbit grows exponentially because linear growth is no fun, we can hypothetically model the growth in the number of Hobbit fics in the Pit using the following equation:
A = Ao*e-kt
Where A is the current amount of fics, Ao is the initial amount, e is the natural number, k is the function's growth constant, and t is the time (in days) passed. Plugging in:
A= 153
Ao= 106
t= 5
We can calculate -k is equal to 0.0734. Re-plugging this into the equation and setting t = 19 (5 days + 14 days until New Year's), we obtain A= 428, rounded up.
Which is still a fearsome number of potential sporkable fics by any standards. I'd still like to see 1000 before New Year's: think of all the horror joys of snarking at badfic!
It has literally been 12 years since I took calculus or statistics, so I can't remember which progression model would work better, but at this time growth is outpacing that predicted by your model. Already 203 as of now.
The base needs to be compounded, methinks, like compounded interest on a mortgage, sort of...
-hates math with an intense passion-
As for those numbers... I think even if I don't get a new laptop for Christmas, Im'ma toss Caroline and Veralyn into a few Hobbit badfics starting next year. This is getting bad...
Mathematics is simply another language to be learned, and mastering it gives you a powerful method of understanding the workings of the physical world.
For example, you can show that 0.999 repeating is exactly equal to 1* or demonstrate that a certain shape can have infinite surface area while having finite volume** using math.
* Knowing that 1/3 = 0.333 repeating, multiplying each side by three gives us
3 * 1/3 = 3 * 0.333 repeating
so 3/3 = 0.999 repeating
therefore 1 = 0.999 repeating.
** See the Gabriel's Horn paradox.
Okay, the first one actually makes sense. The second one makes my mind hurt.
Honestly, I stopped liking math around Algebra I.
Think of a lump of play-dough molded in the shape of the horn. It's always got a constant amount of dough (therefore constant volume) but you can theoretically stretch the shape to infinity (infinite surface area).
Okay, see, that I get. I like play dough - I'm molding some right now, actually...
Unfortunately, I every time I see some, I am reminded of chemistry class and building molecules.
Get out of my head, chemistry! I'm on holiday!
...Don't give me that look, I just took my vitamins and now I'm hyper.
And I've got the Ampicillin.
/bricked
Other than purification by fire.
...or tasteful snarking, if you're into that kind of thing.
Mr. Rogers! Mr. Rogers!
and discovered what could potentially be the next slashy C*leb*ian.
FETCH THE SALT.
It's still rather sick to write torture stories but it this one is not of the same kind and not on the same level. THAT story is in a class of its own.
Who knows what terrible things will happen to Kili.
Well, with two chapters and Gandalf to the rescue already, I think damage will be limited enough - though it is never possible to predict the twists and turns of a sick mind. :)
To give credit where it's due - it is actually fairly well written. Above average level for the category, definitely.
I'd keep it on surveillance, though.
The Goblin King in the movie kind of fits with the Goblin King from that fic... Oh, the mental image...
The entire time the goblin king was on screen, I could not help but think of THAT fic.
Oh, and yes, your shiny newbie (who has been on much needed vacation!) knows of THAT fic. I have not read it yet, but I know of it. With the image it gave me for the Hobbit film, I wish I had never even read the synopsis on the wiki.
*shudders and mumbles, rocking back and forth* fat beard, purple parts, milk, nasty, crawling, ohgodsombodyhelpmethementalimage, AHHHHH!
SNAP OUT OF IT. IT'S DEAD. BURNT TO A CRISP. WITH NONE TOO LITTLE SACRIFICE ON THE PART OF THE AGENTS ASSIGNED.
There, feel better?
Whoever wants to take this thing on, I'll help. We can cowrite on Gdocs or sommat. My email is wraths.beauty@gmail.com.
Poor Kili...
...don't turn it into C*l*br**n mk.2.
This fic has already reached near-critical levels of NOPE. If this goes sideways, may the entire multiverse have pity on the agents assigned this fic.
Better yet, have it shield the Spy's sanity when this pops up in the Sorting Room.
"What is this?" demanded Rooney, staring at his screen in the Sorting Room in horror. Thanks to the fanfic explosion in the Hobbit fandom, he and his new colleague Jeeves had been relocated out of BBC Sherlock for the Duration. Eru knew how long said Duration would last, but it certainly seemed like a long haul for now.
"...I do not want to know," Jeeves replied, only looking over for a second before capturing his Morbid Curiosity once again and banishing it in a crate to Timbuktu. "Is it as bad as all of these Fifteenth Questor Sues I'm finding here?"
"No, it's not," snapped Rooney.
Jeeves raised an eyebrow.
"It's worse."
Jeeves huffed. "Really."
The older - but not by far - Spy waved a hand. "Remember that quick information session they sprung on us about 'Legendary Badfics', and how one of them detailed the, er, sexually explicit adventures of Lord Elrond's wife during her captivity with the Orcs?"
"I still have nightmares about it," Jeeves deadpanned.
"Yes, well." Rooney rolled his eyes. "This, my friend, is the Hobbit version of that."
There was a pause.
"What are they doing to Bilbo?!" demanded Jeeves.
Rooney shook his head. "Not Bilbo, Kili."
Another pause. Jeeves took a breath, and put his head in his hands. "Those poor sods who made those films had no idea what they've unleashed by creating attractive Dwarves, huh," he mumbled, rubbing his temples.
"If they did, they wouldn't have made such a mistake," replied Rooney sagely.
Take another for each slash pair amongst the Dwarves.
Two for Bilbo/Dwarf
Three if it's Bilbo/Attractive Dwarf (that'd be Thorin, Fili, Kili for starters)
Finish the drink for Bilbo/Smaug
Make yourself a bitter moustache or something if references to BBC Sherlock are brought up out of left field.
...I totally just made myself a game that I can't participate in, woohoo.
My liver and I are on good terms and I would like to keep it that way.
...I think all participants will die of acute liver failure just be scanning the first three pages of Quotev and FFN.
Unexpected Company.
She's Bilbo's girlfriend.
Yes. Girlfriend.
And she wields a frying pan.
What is this. I don't even... I would try to post a tip on capitalizing "I"s and separating sentences with spaces but apparently you need to sign in to comment. Ah well.
I understand that cast-iron frying pans may have some bludgeoning potential in some situations, but seriously? Adventurous/curious/probably sassy female character wielding frying pan? I think I saw this in a movie once.
Besides, the role of multipurpose-object-used-in-and-outside-of-battle has already been filled by the venerable US Army M1 helmet. Uses include seat, entrenching tool, latrine, wash basin, cooking pot, and fashionable headgear.
...she also eats lambis. *Head explodes*
Sounds like she needs to be introduced to the Frying Pan of DoomTM. I haven't pulled that one out in ages.
She does claim to have lambis bread, which seems like either a Hobbit knock-off of Lembas, or some sort of Hobbit diet-aid that bleats pathetically when you try to eat it, guilt-tripping you into not eating anything at all.
As for the lambis bread, perhaps in addition to bleating pathetically, it tastes like crepe paper ribbons if you do manage to get up the nerve to actually eat it? Those things taste horrible.
Fifteen minis in the first chapter alone. Should we keep an eye on it for now, or tackle it with just the introduction and the first chapter?
I mean, that's rather the nature of Circle Sues - short, but terrifying.
I would advise you to wait and watch that fic. I'm still waiting for that Warriors badfic to end so Gilbert and Fiona can get out of there already...
which is our name for that lovely website where we found Rachel.
That was the first time I've ever encountered that site.
I have yet to come across a fic in there that wasn't written by me or ThatOne that isn't mind-bogglingly Suvian
And even then, ThatOne and I were writing Sue parodies.
This is why I tend to stay away from sites like that. Somehow I usually manage to stumble into the parts of fandoms that produce the goodfics, thank the Powers that Be.
It reminds me of the Circle of Lemmings, but is not that bad.
http://www.missliterati.com/read/fanfiction/popular#.UNBdBfS9Kc0
But I am sipping a nice Bordeaux right now. :)
I have browsed some random fic and both the fics and the responses I get from the authors when I leave reviews suggest that there is hardly anybody above the age 17 in the whole LotR/Hobbit section of FF.net...
Tashadar is a last name, maybe a self-insert?
Oh joy, more Sues, as if we didn't had enough.
EW GRELVISH. Also, what I don't understand is why she learned to fight with swords if she was in the modern word.
Borimere. I almost had a heart attack.
Borimere and souroman.( 2 new mini-Balrogs!)
Maybe Sauron sent her because he wanted to torture the Fellowship?
He's evil after all.
Erudessa Nuneth. A pretty dumb name, that one.
An elf went to the Shire to be the cook of some hobbit?!?
Why? And she has a twin...
They're going for Fili and Kili, of that I'm certain.
Stupid Mary-Sues.
The last one, oh the last one is so painful to look at!
WHAT THE HECK IS SAURON DOING THERE?
Sauron is a friend of Aragorn.WTF.
The entire badfic makes no sense at all.
I want to spork it so badly!
Here's an in-post piece, from the Department of Intelligence.
*****
Amber Dashel was one of the few Intel Agents who still worked from her RC. She liked it that way, mostly because the sounds of other people trying to deal with what had come up on their screens put her off. A lot. It was much more peaceful in her room as she scanned, assigned and investigated fics (although that bit wasn't always so peaceful, even if she was fairly good at keeping out of sight).
On this particular day, she'd just got back from a quick lunch, bringing with her a coffee that was actually drinkable once she'd added about ten pots of creamer, and sat down at the console when it went off with one of the most ear-splitting [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]s she had ever heard.
She shrieked, managed to upset the lukewarm coffee down herself, and fumbled for the mute button only for the sound to be replaced by a klaxon-like wailing. A message flashed up on the screen.
[Calling all Spies. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey has been released in World One cinemas. We have already received reports of major activity on fanfic websites. Get in there and start investigating! The Action Departments will kill them as fast as resources and weaponry permit. This is a FANFIC EXPLOSION, people! Thank you.
The Sub Rosa.]
Amber stared at the screen, and then groaned and sank her face into her hands. "Well," she muttered eventually, "at least I'm not going to get bored."
Seriously, here's one:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8798902/1/Home
Rating:T
-It was the moment Bilbo shared what home meant to him that Thorin understood the phrase 'home is where your heart is.' It was after Bilbo saved his life that he realized his heart was with Bilbo. Thorin/Bilbo
-In which Thorin is incredibly sappy and I'm too lazy to do HTML to make that look pretty.
And another Sue: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8802761/1/The-Journey
She tells people in the description not to be "harse". I don't think I have to say more.
Well, they are the two main characters. Personally, I'm all for a bit of Thorin/Kili, but that might just be me.
*Goes searching*
There's one on the Pit of Voles, unrequited no less.
After you read GollumXOC badfics, nothing surprises you anymore.
But still, is a rather disgusting pairing. What was the author thinking?
We'll never know.
Bad Slash will be busier than ever. With so many dwarfs, I don't think that will be the last....*shudders*
Then again, I want to work in Star Trek, and since the fandom invented slash, the fanbase has a tendency to go "These two characters might have kinda sorta had some chemistry that could be romantic, so let's ship them!" So yeah, I've seen worse. At least Bilbo and Thorin have actually met.
Lestrade mentioned Sherlock's brother in BASK; Sherlock assumed Mycroft sent Lestrade to check on him. Also, they showed up in ACD together in BRUC.
/bricked
I've only seen each episode of Sherlock once. And though I read ACD, the stories tend to blur together.
On a semi-related note, I've been following your blog "The Science of Suedom"--or rather, as I don't have a Tumblr, I've bookmarked it and I check it frequently. It is absolutely hilarious!
I need to make some more posts, but I've been pretty busy as of late. :P
It is December. 'Nuff said.
Bilbo/Thorin?!
Okay, I'm sure someone somewhere has the skills to do it well, but this one just has it coming way out of left field.
And is it just me or am I reading Bilbo too much like John Watson? Damn you Martin Freeman.
No, no, no, no, NO. I will read Elrond/Thranduil before I go near Bilbo/Thorin. -shudders-
I find Tolkien-verse Sues to be both disgusting and boring at the same time. Even if they break the mold, they're still a cliche Sue by being in Middle-Earth.
Since this is probably the new badfic report thread, have some Percy Jackson dreck scraped up from the Circle of Lemmings.
http://www.quotev.com/story/1257169/When-Two-Worlds-Collide-A-Percy-Jackson-Harry-Potter-Crossover-and-l/ Two canons for the price of one! Oh joy! And it's incredibly long.
http://www.quotev.com/story/1955711/The-Forbidden-Daughter-Percy-Jackson-Love-Story/10/ She's the daughter of APOLLO AND ARTEMIS?!?!?!? Twincest, much?
http://www.quotev.com/story/2300377/The-Broken-Vow-A-Percy-Jackson-Story/3/ Excessive linkage. And a circlet that apparently is permanently stuck to her head. Sounds like a Suevenir.
http://www.quotev.com/story/1867111/Percy-Jackson-Love-story/1/ Some sections literally copypasted from The Lightning Thief. Plagiarism! And why are all these fics subtitled "A Percy Jackson love story"? It's like they're screaming "I'M A SUE! PLEASE SPORK ME!"
And a Star Trek fic, but you don't have to know anything about Star Trek to know that it's PPCable. Just read the first line.
It's the ARTEMIS IS THE GODDESS OF VIRGINITY.
(Zeus and Hera were twins.)
That Zeus and Hera were siblings. Also, besides the fact that you so eloquently capslocked, Apollo and Artemis obviously have an arguing brother/sister relationship in the third book. Yeah.
I just looked it up and Hera isn't even the first to be thrown up.
Well, siblingcest is ridiculously common in Greek mythology, but vows of chastity being broken? SERIOUSLY!? Artemis' whole shtick is that she's an eternal maiden warrior girl! Did this girl even READ the third book?
And... Lumeya Moon... *shudders* And why is Annabeth being so possessivey?
Annabeth is like that because, in a Suefic, all the men are sexah Lust Objects and the women are either jealous b**tches or adoring BFFs.
And I just read ahead, and oh my gods we might have another Goddess!Sue on our hands. I hate you, lemmings!
That sounds like a PPC version of Warheads. I like eet.
Also, all of these Sues are mind-numbingly stupid. Im'ma go claim one right now. Grr.
Well, given that there are no half-elves as such in Middle-earth - after the First Age anyone with mixed blood is automatically an average human unless he/she is technically an Elf but happens to have human blood (Arwen and her brothers). But known examples of half-elves from the First Age aged just like normal humans (Earendil, Elwing - Dior too, but with Dior the question is still open whether he counts as a half-elf or a full human, I am leaning towards the latter).
As far as why Sauron would send a Sue into Middle-earth? Sauron is evil. Inflicting Mary Sues onto unsuspecting words is evil. Bingo!
The Nobody (A Lord Of The Rings The Hobbit Romance)
-"You know how in school everybody had a nickname, even those who you would think no one would ever see; and how once you have been given a name it can either give you the world or the garbage that nobody wants? Well, I am here to both confirm and disprove that theory for I have a nickname that gives me both the world and the garbage that nobody wants .I Have a Nickname and that is, The Nobody."
-Another reason to hate the Circle of Lemmings is that it lets you just put videos in the middle of the story. It's just... I don't know why anyone would just put the video for the Hobbit trailer after they say they're going to watch it. Also, why is she watching the trailer instead of the actual movie?
Basically, Sue is bullied because she likes reading and then gets sucked into Middle-Earth. Becomes a Fifteenth Walker, has angst issues about her name and consistently calls Gandalf "Gandulf". Fun. And Thorin has this creepy father complex for her and calls her "my child", wtf.
All the rest are LotR, but they're equally bad. They kinda remind me of the Sues from the Original Series, just because they're so stereotyped and bleeegh. I can't speak anymore.
NONONO HANDS OFF KILI! HANDS OFF YOU FOUL SUE!
Looked at the other LotR Suefics in the Circle. I'm assuming they were too young to know of the Sues slain when Jay and Acacia were around because ERU DAMNIT those Sue clichés.
That one just... the closest I've been to that kind of hiking is a one-day thing in Maine and we were back before lunch. I STILL think I could do better at packing, just because I know you don't bring fresh vegetables or tie pots and pans to your pack (without even asking the dwarves what THEY brought) and... Urgh. I just don't even.
Have a MLP badfic:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8686593/1/A-New-Life
Twilight is fed up with her friends after they turn their backs on her at the wedding. So after the defeat of the Changelings she set off to find a new life living with humans. How will she cope with this new land? And is she starting to have feeling for one of her human friends? I DONT OWN MLP OR ANY SONGS I MIGHT PUT IN. I OWN JUST THE OCs AND PLOT and the characters are anthro
And a goodfic:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8746660/1/Sick-Time
Rin does not get sick often. And when she does, she does not take it well, much to the dismay of her beset-upon Archer. But still... there really should be a LIMIT to just how badly a little cold should be taken. Written for Elf. Hi, Elf!