Subject: Let's see...
Author:
Posted on: 2016-10-14 20:14:00 UTC

Basically, just put in more positive reactions to Charlotte's attention. I realize a lot of it is because of the nightmare, but this story has a lot of negative or at best neutral ones, and only one that I can construe as good. Just for the sake of comparison, I'll sort them into categories:

Negative

  1. “I’m not going to eat you,” Charlotte said, reaching out to give Ix a hug, but pulling back when she flinched.


  2. Charlotte put a hand under Ix’s chin. “Hey. Are you okay?”

    “I’m fine,” Ix said, a little more sharply than she meant to. She brushed Charlotte’s hand away and opened a portal.


  3. “You’d know,” Charlotte said teasingly, poking Ix in the side. “I swear, you’re just skin and bones.”

    Ix was not amused. “My parents lost a lot of money trying to pay for my medical bills after every monthly transformation. There were a lot of nights we’d all go to bed hungry.”

    Charlotte swallowed. “Sorry, I… I didn’t realize.”

    Ix just looked away.


  4. Charlotte gasped. “You wound me, Ix! You wound me deeply!”

    “Sorry,” Ix mumbled, looking away.

    Charlotte frowned. “Hey, I’m just joking,” she said. “You don’t need to apologize.”

    “Sorry,” Ix said again, hunching her shoulders.

    Charlotte put a hand on Ix’s cheek. “Hey. Look at me.” When Ix did, she said, “You’re fine, you know that? I like bantering with you. It’s fun. Don’t apologize if you didn’t do anything wrong.”

    “So—”


  5. “But hon, don’t sell yourself short. Look at you, you were on the path to become the first werewolf Auror! That’s gotta take guts!”

    “It was mostly cowardice,” Ix mumbled, looking away. [Etc.]


  6. “Well, it’s hardy your fault if you smell good enough to eat,” Charlotte said, then winced. “Sorry, that was in bad taste, wasn’t it?”

    “Just a bit,” Ix said with a shudder, realizing she’d reached up to rub her ear as she spoke.

    “Sorry,” Charlotte repeated. She took Ix’s hand and gave her fingers a gentle squeeze. “You know I won’t ever eat you, right?”

    “Truly, you know how to charm a girl,” Ix said dryly. Still she pulled her hand away.


  7. Charlotte elbowed her, cringing when Ix jumped at the touch.

Neutral
  1. “If you need anything, I’ll be in the other room,” Charlotte said, putting a hand on Ix’s shoulder. When Ix still didn’t react, she sighed and got up.


  2. Despite this, Charlotte still somehow found a way to drape an arm over Ix’s shoulders. [No reaction from Ix is described, positive or negative.]


  3. ... leaving Charlotte holding her partner when she lost her balance and fell over. Ix felt her face redden when she looked up at Charlotte, who was grinning at her.

    “Walk much?” Charlotte said, helping Ix back on her feet and kissing her lightly on the nose.

    Ix just blushed and straightened her robes, too flustered to respond. [She could be pleased, or just embarrassed. It's unclear. But since she's sensitive about her appearance and condition, I'd lean toward embarrassed.]


  4. Charlotte looked like she could have kissed her. “Ix, you’re a genius!”

    Ix blushed. “Not really, but thank you.” [As above, she could be pleased, but her behavior so far makes me think she's embarrassed and just being polite.]


  5. Hesitantly, she [got on Charlotte's back], and involuntarily let out a scream of exhilaration as Charlotte took off ... [Etc. The scream of exhilaration is involuntary; no telling whether she actually enjoys this ride or not, or whether she got on board because she really wanted to or because she felt she couldn't turn it down.]

Positive
  1. “If you say sorry one more time, I’m kissing you to make you stop,” Charlotte said, mock-threateningly.

    “Good luck doing it with that nose,” Ix said, tapping her own long, pointed nose. [This only barely edges into the positive category for being the one time Ix actually engages with Charlotte's affection instead of freezing or actively rejecting it. It could still be Ix trying to avoid and divert, though; I'm being generous because Charlotte seems to take it as genuine humor.]


So you see, the balance is wildly off.

Some of the neutral reactions could be made positive by the addition of a smile, a fluttering heartbeat, a warm feeling in her stomach, or just describing her thoughts if it's not out of place in the scene. Even the negative ones could be mitigated by a line here and there explaining that Ix knows Charlotte is trying to help and she appreciates it, she's just not in a place to accept it just then because the memory of the assault is too fresh, or whatever her feelings are. (And of course, telling Charlotte her feelings instead of leaving her in the dark would be a good idea if they're going to be a supportive couple, too.)

So, that's my two cents. I hope it helps. {= )

~Neshomeh

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