Subject: Oops, thanks! (nm)
Author:
Posted on: 2016-10-12 19:59:00 UTC
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New mission! by
on 2016-10-12 18:32:00 UTC
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Ix and Charlotte get to deal with a replaced Harry Potter and... a loving Voldemort?
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Nitpicks by
on 2016-10-18 09:30:00 UTC
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“You might want to grab you brace for this.”
Should be "your"?
Voldemort went on to claim that Harry was now the only remaining horcrux, because in order to use the Stone to regain a body, he needed to reabsorb the others, and that he regained his sanity in the process.
This confused me very much, until I realized that Voldemort regaining his sanity had happened off page already even before he had arrived at the Dursleys’ and thus should be "had needed" and "had regained" (past perfect).
I love the flashback, but I’m not quite sure about the logistics there. This is set in the outskirts of a village in the countryside (woods behind the house), so Mr Rosenberger has a legal reason to possess a rifle or shotgun (to protect his chickens or such), but would he carry it when he visits the neighbors to share brandy and stories? So he ran home to get his firearm, but then arrived at the same time as Ix’s father? Well, finding the man who was trying to find his daughter may have been easier than finding the girl.
HG -
Fixed, thanks. by
on 2016-10-18 11:12:00 UTC
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Not sure why people think the "stick" was supposed to be a firearm, though; it's a wand.
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Oh, I forgot that Ix is Muggleborn. by
on 2016-10-18 15:18:00 UTC
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So this was the first time that she saw a wand. I got it now.
HG -
Re: New mission! by
on 2016-10-13 15:28:00 UTC
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During Ix' flashback, wouldn't she be able to identify a wand, or was it a gun?
Sounds like a very evil story. -
Looks like a rifle to me. by
on 2016-10-18 09:25:00 UTC
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The werewolf expected to bite a Muggle and actually didn’t realize that Ix is a witch when she told him that she isn’t Caitlyn, so Mr Rosenberger must be a Muggle neighbor and can’t carry a wand. Since carrying weapons is quite restricted in Britain and little witches don’t watch Muggle TV, it’s plausible that Ix had never seen a firearm.
HG -
Hair of Slytherin: Big Review by
on 2016-10-12 21:33:00 UTC
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All right, I promised myself to take reviewing missions more seriously (one of the reasons being I actually want to get good at both writing and helping out), so this is my first shot at an actual, (maybe) helpful, con-crit review:
We started with a nightmare flashback, which showed us the origin story of Ix-Wolf. Now, just from the first paragraph of description I could tell it’s Greyback that bit her. Sounds exactly like the scenario he would choose. I have to commend you on setting up the atmosphere, too. The portrayal of Greyback as cannibalistic and sexually creepy, and his preference for children was shown nicely. However, the scene reminds me of Lupin’s “origin”: Greyback biting him as a revenge for what Lupin’s dad said about werewolves. The changes here were Greyback making a mistake (He probably did bit Caitlyn next month, I assume), and apparently somebody contracting him to do so… Which I don’t know if he would, but that’s just my musings. Also, there is Greyback’s uncertain fate after 1998 (Neville and Ron “brought him down” which could imply anything from imprisonment to slaying), but I’m gonna let it slide.
Lottie being the overly protective Sparklepire girlfriend was really cute, and I approve of it with all my might. And as I said before… Saibhir was a pretty clever reference. I do hate you for the Hair of Slytherin, though, because that’s the worst pun in the history (:P).
(Sidenote: I will kill the author for disrespecting The Merchant of Venice…)
As for the mission itself, it was easy to follow and clear. I like the house-elves disguise; first time seeing it being used, and I think those should be implemented more often. I like how they were forced to do the house-elf speech. You could’ve leave it the second time, though. Felt like something that would come as a price for the disguise (Good Lord, I hope I would never have to disguise as a Gungan). The charges list was quick and simple, and the execution was efficient. It was a good mission. -
I would read a fanfic about Ix's life. by
on 2016-10-12 20:38:00 UTC
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(Hi, I'm trying to review more!)
I think the flashback was my favorite part of this story. The mission was good, too, but there was such atmosphere and emotion in the flashback, I really got into it. There are limits to how much of that you can do while also sporking badfic.
I honestly don't have anything much to critique. I'd like to tell Charlotte to back off a little, but that's just her character, I think. I can tell she means well and really wants Ix to be happy, but every now and then she goes just a tad further with kissing and whatnot than my introverted self finds to be charming. She still has a thing or two to learn about her partner, I think. {= )
~Neshomeh -
Urk, sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. by
on 2016-10-12 20:46:00 UTC
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I'll try to tone it down in the future. Guess it's my fault for not knowing how to do fluff properly. :(
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It's not like I'm taking it personally. {= ) by
on 2016-10-12 21:03:00 UTC
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I think what bugs me is that Ix doesn't seem really into it; she blushes and gets flustered and seems kind of uncomfortable herself, like she's just tolerating it because she doesn't know what to do about it. It's not clear—in this story, anyway—if she really wants that kind of attention.
So, uh, I guess that's a critique after all. ^_^;
~Neshomeh -
My fault for not making it more clear, then. by
on 2016-10-12 21:06:00 UTC
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I was trying to show she was pleased by the attention but also unused to it and unsure how she was supposed to respond. So... maybe any suggestions how that could be improved?
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Let's see... by
on 2016-10-14 20:14:00 UTC
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Basically, just put in more positive reactions to Charlotte's attention. I realize a lot of it is because of the nightmare, but this story has a lot of negative or at best neutral ones, and only one that I can construe as good. Just for the sake of comparison, I'll sort them into categories:
Negative- “I’m not going to eat you,” Charlotte said, reaching out to give Ix a hug, but pulling back when she flinched.
- Charlotte put a hand under Ix’s chin. “Hey. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Ix said, a little more sharply than she meant to. She brushed Charlotte’s hand away and opened a portal. - “You’d know,” Charlotte said teasingly, poking Ix in the side. “I swear, you’re just skin and bones.”
Ix was not amused. “My parents lost a lot of money trying to pay for my medical bills after every monthly transformation. There were a lot of nights we’d all go to bed hungry.”
Charlotte swallowed. “Sorry, I… I didn’t realize.”
Ix just looked away. - Charlotte gasped. “You wound me, Ix! You wound me deeply!”
“Sorry,” Ix mumbled, looking away.
Charlotte frowned. “Hey, I’m just joking,” she said. “You don’t need to apologize.”
“Sorry,” Ix said again, hunching her shoulders.
Charlotte put a hand on Ix’s cheek. “Hey. Look at me.” When Ix did, she said, “You’re fine, you know that? I like bantering with you. It’s fun. Don’t apologize if you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“So—” - “But hon, don’t sell yourself short. Look at you, you were on the path to become the first werewolf Auror! That’s gotta take guts!”
“It was mostly cowardice,” Ix mumbled, looking away. [Etc.] - “Well, it’s hardy your fault if you smell good enough to eat,” Charlotte said, then winced. “Sorry, that was in bad taste, wasn’t it?”
“Just a bit,” Ix said with a shudder, realizing she’d reached up to rub her ear as she spoke.
“Sorry,” Charlotte repeated. She took Ix’s hand and gave her fingers a gentle squeeze. “You know I won’t ever eat you, right?”
“Truly, you know how to charm a girl,” Ix said dryly. Still she pulled her hand away. - Charlotte elbowed her, cringing when Ix jumped at the touch.
Neutral- “If you need anything, I’ll be in the other room,” Charlotte said, putting a hand on Ix’s shoulder. When Ix still didn’t react, she sighed and got up.
- Despite this, Charlotte still somehow found a way to drape an arm over Ix’s shoulders. [No reaction from Ix is described, positive or negative.]
- ... leaving Charlotte holding her partner when she lost her balance and fell over. Ix felt her face redden when she looked up at Charlotte, who was grinning at her.
“Walk much?” Charlotte said, helping Ix back on her feet and kissing her lightly on the nose.
Ix just blushed and straightened her robes, too flustered to respond. [She could be pleased, or just embarrassed. It's unclear. But since she's sensitive about her appearance and condition, I'd lean toward embarrassed.] - Charlotte looked like she could have kissed her. “Ix, you’re a genius!”
Ix blushed. “Not really, but thank you.” [As above, she could be pleased, but her behavior so far makes me think she's embarrassed and just being polite.] - Hesitantly, she [got on Charlotte's back], and involuntarily let out a scream of exhilaration as Charlotte took off ... [Etc. The scream of exhilaration is involuntary; no telling whether she actually enjoys this ride or not, or whether she got on board because she really wanted to or because she felt she couldn't turn it down.]
Positive- “If you say sorry one more time, I’m kissing you to make you stop,” Charlotte said, mock-threateningly.
“Good luck doing it with that nose,” Ix said, tapping her own long, pointed nose. [This only barely edges into the positive category for being the one time Ix actually engages with Charlotte's affection instead of freezing or actively rejecting it. It could still be Ix trying to avoid and divert, though; I'm being generous because Charlotte seems to take it as genuine humor.]
So you see, the balance is wildly off.
Some of the neutral reactions could be made positive by the addition of a smile, a fluttering heartbeat, a warm feeling in her stomach, or just describing her thoughts if it's not out of place in the scene. Even the negative ones could be mitigated by a line here and there explaining that Ix knows Charlotte is trying to help and she appreciates it, she's just not in a place to accept it just then because the memory of the assault is too fresh, or whatever her feelings are. (And of course, telling Charlotte her feelings instead of leaving her in the dark would be a good idea if they're going to be a supportive couple, too.)
So, that's my two cents. I hope it helps. {= )
~Neshomeh -
Wow, that was as bad as you said. by
on 2016-10-12 20:13:00 UTC
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And the basilic made indeed for the perfect kill here. The relationship between Charlotte and Ix is always sweet to see, without being overbearing.
Now, for the flashback/nightmare about Ix's past... Am I the only feeling the urge to hit her 'friend' in the belly, with a spiked bat? -
I liked it. by
on 2016-10-12 19:57:00 UTC
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I love these characters, and where you're taking them. Seeing more background for Ix was interesting, and this story did an excellent job of showing that her character has quite a bit of depth- getting a story focused on her was nice, as often as Charlotte tends to steal the show.
The slightly more serious tone of the story fits its focus, and nicely counterbalances the insidiously saccharine feel of the fic you sporked.
And while I won't get detailed here, it made me very curious about the events that were hinted at in the opening, all those years ago.
Looking forward to more from these guys. -
I liked this one. by
on 2016-10-12 19:46:00 UTC
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We got some more insight in Ix (and the poor girl surely had it hard), and the badfics was... really, really idiotic. Good work on the takedown, I really like the use of the Basilisk.
Now, a little nitpick:
"After Ix revived Snape and wiped his memory and they dug Harry and Voldemort out of their respective plotholes,"
Hm, I think there is a bit of a run-on here? -
Oops, thanks! (nm) by
on 2016-10-12 19:59:00 UTC
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Could Voldemort even canonly love a son? by
on 2016-10-12 19:04:00 UTC
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He was born of a love potion correct? Isn't it canon for those born under the affects of one to have zero clue when it comes to love of any kind?
I mean it's uncanon for him to show love to anyone considering he didn't even want friends,but it might be even more canon breaking if it's something that's not even possible in canon even if he wasn't the dark lord? -
Yup, pretty sure it is. by
on 2016-10-12 19:05:00 UTC
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... Which, now that I think about it, has really Unfortunate Implications, but I definitely remember that being a canon thing.
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Unfortunate could be an understatement by
on 2016-10-12 19:15:00 UTC
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I haven't seen the movies in a while but I remember the lines about the love potion so much because of just how jarring the idea was to me at the time. A love potion that forced love onto another human being resulting in a human being that literally will never feel love for anyone no matter what level of relationship.
With that in mind really the best I could see for Tom if he didn't turn into the Dark Lord would be a life alone focused completely on surviving and his own comfort.