Subject: I never thought I'd see the day...
Author:
Posted on: 2019-02-07 22:50:00 UTC
...hS began writing Gnomish smut. I feel like this should be a CAHQ card now... and I'm half-tempted to find Silmarillion smutfic for you to translate. I feel like there could be a market for that. Muahaha.
I'll just be in my corner doing this.
And heeeere we go again!
Fandom News
The Poke / Twitter
Go on, then - who remembers DM of the Rings? Well, in yet more proof of the old adage that 'all of this has happened before, all of this will happen again', Brennan Mulligan on Twitter has reinvented the concept behind it (apparently without knowing about the original).
"The confusing parts of Lord of the Rings start to make a lot more sense when you realize it's actually just a transcribed #DnD campaign. THREAD."
Old News
BeyondCurie
On Tuesday in 1975, Chien Shiung Wu became the first woman president of the American Physical Society, partly for her work in disproving the law of conservation of parity in 1957. This assumed law was an intrinsic part of quantum mechanics, which, in very simplified form, said that the laws of physics didn't know their left from their right. (If any actual physicists can explain parity and why its non-conservation is interesting, I'd love to hear it, because I... can't!)
New News
Gizmodo
A nifty bit of paleontological detective work has thrown out a surprising result about Denisova cave, the Siberian cave which lends its name to one of modern humanity's closest relatives. We found out a few months back that one of the bone fragments in the cave was from a hybrid - a girl who lived 90,000 years ago, whose father was Denisovan, but whose mother was Neanderthal.
Well, recent research has shown that not only did the two species meet and interbreed - they also shared the cave for something on the order of a hundred thousand years. They may not have actually lived there at the same time, but both species - our nearest cousins - were in and out for the entire time.
(I'm torn on whether Underground Hominin City-Cave is a better setting for a comic, a game, or a roleplaying campaign...)
PPC News
The Department of Redundancy Department is into the third day of its general strike, with the picket line outside Admiral Pansy's office remaining unbroken. Interviewed by the Multiverse Monitor, Agent Rosalind said that 'this intolerable behaviour is completely intolerable', and stated 'our first demand is that our demands are met'.
Reactions from the rest of HQ are a bit of a mixed bag. Agent Tiranel of Technical Errors claims to be 'sure it's far more intolerable where we are' (which her partner immediately corrected to 'less tolerable'; an attempt by Saphie Ellings of the DBP Troll Division to promote 'fewer tolerable' was met with fury). Members of the DIA have been overheard muttering that 'we should get to arrest them all', or possibly 'we should get them all a rest' - sources weren't clear. The only firm response has been from the Janitorial Division, which swept in en masse to prevent the DRD from writing slogans on the corridor walls.
Clerical News
DeviantArt
The Quest requires them to get past the mountain! But what's the best way to cross?
INT: Roll to cast a flying spell.
CHA: Roll to - sigh - seduce someone into showing the way.
WIS: Roll to plot the most sensible route.
CON: Roll to just keep on keeping on.
hS
Basically, it means that if something is affected, it will react, and if affected inversely, it will react inversely. This applies to electromagnetism and strong interaction, which is the force that keeps atoms together.
Wu proved this does NOT apply to the weak interaction, which is the force that tries to split atoms apart.
I don't know why that's important, but if people got a Nobel over it it has to really be important.
STR: tunnel.
You know the one. Sing along!
~Neshomeh
Y'know how the tall tale goes, with John Henry using only a hammer to whack a hole in a mountain that was 5 feet deeper than machinery could do? Anyone?
-Twistey
This probably only is for a very specific group of people, but whatever! One of my favorite artists, a guy going by the moniker of "grandson" has released a new song, called "Apologize."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjILi6KaVuY
Lyrics aren't NSFW, but they cover some heavy stuff. It's a little different than his usual intense style, but if you like it, check out his other works. His new, full album will be played on his tour, and released sometime later(?).
Another thing of note was that the movie Polar came out on Netflix. It's pretty bloody and violent (and very NSFW), and felt very John Wick-esque, but I enjoyed it.
It wasn't terrible, and was a simple story. But the main reason I mention it is because deadmau5 did most of the soundtrack for the movie, which can be found here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4hRN5ocMkMzKWnolpT1Rja
It's fantastic, imho. I personally enjoy midas heel and the end theme, the most. The songs carry a sort of eerie, but vibing feel. I don't really have the words to describe music, if it wasn't obvious.
Anyhow, hope your month is starting off well, and rabbit rabbit!
- Helsinki
Shamus Young, its creator said in introduction to the first comic:
"Lord of the Rings is more or less the foundation of modern D&D. The latter rose from the former, although the two are now so estranged that to reunite them would be an act of savage madness. Imagine a gaggle of modern hack-n-slash roleplayers who had somehow never been exposed to the original Tolkien mythos, and then imagine taking those players and trying to introduce them to Tolkien via a D&D campaign."
Good thing you're self-aware, so sayeth the dragon battle comic.
Not like I know what the Knights would do in such a situation. Except Jacqueline would get help from a dragon or a very large pseudodragon, because Jacqueline is me when I was obsessed with HTTYD, and therefore she loves dragons and dragons love her. :P
-Twistey
Or possibly defensive? Either way, whenever she's around the rest of the Order, she's adamant that she doesn't want to go around seducing people, but since she knows she's going to have to...
Hopefully in a couple of weeks we'll see her do something at least slightly different. (And it's not like Little Miss Smartypants INT has more than one button, either...)
hS
I have figured out everyone's designs except for Scarlet, and I have drawn Cass and Myla and started on Sakura. I want to finish the whole cast before I post the art, though. (And possibly color it as well.)
Also, have you heard of Draw the Squad? This is an Internet phenomenon where someone draws a group of blank people (a la bases) in various humorous positions and others are invited to finish the picture with their friends, their OCs, etc. Here's one I found that would totally work for the Holy Order of the Bumblebee 'verse:
(CHA rests her leg on CJ who is dropping the mic, and the one laying on the ground is D&D!Willis plus an Alter Self spell that turned him female. Cass is the one being completely bewildered by all of this.)
-Twistey
I recommend checking out Bodies in Motion. It's really cool, for one thing, and drawing from life (sort of) will help you improve your anatomy, which is important to understand even if you end up drawing stylized figures. {= )
I haven't had a chance to make use of this treasure trove yet myself, but by golly, someday...
~Neshomeh
Although I don't like to admit it, I do in fact need a little help with my anatomy, hehe. I'm not sure how this would help for the Knights, since the drawing is more standing action poses, but it'll totally be useful later. I almost typed Sueful. Thanks!
-Twistey
If you click on one of the items, it takes you to a sort of movie player, and you can select any frame to stop and look at. Also, some of them have multiple camera angles.
But it's true that it won't give you an example of anything you could possibly want to draw. That's why knowing how things work is important, so you can extrapolate while not bending any bones or joints in impossible ways. ^_^
I also like Joumana Medlej's guides for a simple how-to approach. Her human anatomy collection is all here.
~Neshomeh
But nah, though, there are some very attractive people doing some really cool stuff in there. >.>
~Neshomeh
... have you seen the history of art?
"Gentlemen, there are two acceptable subjects for Art. First, there is Religion..."
'See how the Christ Child looks upon the Most Blessed Virgin with adoration and grace!'
"... and second, there is the Classics."
'... she's doing what with a swan?!'
^~
hS
PS: <a href="http://tolkiengateway.net/wiki/File:JennyDolfen-NienoruponHaudh-en-Elleth.jpg">This totally applies to Tolkien fanart, too (pretty much NSFW; it's Nienor)
The female form is indeed lovely when rendered thus expertly in soft watercolors.
But definitely not in a pervy way. If you're perving, that's a moral failing on your part, you monster. ^_~
~Neshomeh
Jenny Dolfen - aka Gold Seven - is a genuinely amazing artist. She has a lot of Silmarillion stuff, with a smattering of Star Wars, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, and some historical (Roman & pseudo-Celtic). She has a particular liking for the House of Feanor.
hS
She also has art tutorials, IIRC, which are very interesting.
~Z
There's actually a fair bit of nudity in Tolkien. Nienor, of course, but also Saeros (who Turin set to run naked like a beast) and maybe Beren and Finrod ('naked' there might just mean 'exposed'). And then over in LotR we have 'run naked over the grass' from Bombadil, and naked Frodo in Cirith Ungol... okay, it's not Game of Thrones, but it's there.
What it isn't, ever, is sexualised. Actually, I'm wrong about him agreeing with you, because it's not even aesthetic- it's always symbolic, either of innocence or vulnerability.
I don't think that's just a stylistic choice, either. There's a page of sketches by Tolkien of home life at Gypsy Green, including several of Edith (from behind, Tolkien hated faces), and one of then clearly shows her bare to the waist while washing up:
I dunno... put that together with the fact that when he does talk about sex, Tolkien often tends to the poetic (he literally has a poetic Qenya term for the act), and the fact that this Catholic family only had 4 kids (my dad's parents had 9), and stopped immediately after the first girl... has the idea of Tolkien being asexual been floated before? Because the argument is there, for sure.
hS
I take it the missing "u" in "Quenya" was a typo?
When Tolkien first constructed his Elvish languages, there were two main ones: Qenya, or Elf-Latin, and Gnomish. Over time, he changed them both significantly, and ultimately renamed them as Quenya and Noldorin, which then became Sindarin.
I was actually slightly wrong in my recollection: per this page, the Qenya 'pukta/puhta' and Noldorin 'hoith' aren't strictly poetic. The actual poetic word is 'gwî', which is a term for what I'm sure Tolkien would call the male generative organ. They show up in various lexicons, alongside a host of related terms.
I've seen the source-texts for these words described as 'Tolkien's little black book', and honestly, it's hard to argue. If you want to write smut in an Elvish language, get hold of a copy of Parma Eldalamberon 11 and use the Gnomish Grammar and Lexicon. Just accept that nobody on the planet is going to understand what you've written.
(Or, y'know, just use Ardalambion's Quenya course and figure out how to adapt the words.)
hS
And the few Elves who can actually read the language are scandalized. ^_^
I think "smut written entirely in Gnomish" might be the next CAHQ card...
~Neshomeh
Diradhin, Maglor rôthi had Bronwen i aithron gwenniniol."Nin-saitha thlib ar tithron gwandronta thas."
I 'wethli lanthi faiglin ontha. "Fi-thlaibi atha."
Maglor gwairi ar gwint irtha. "Nin-ista mavros gweltha hachar drum thas."
Bronwen lempi am land ontha. "Fi-wîli atha."
Maglor lanthi râ falt irtha. "Ar gui nin-îr fi-vaitha."
Bronwen laithi garob irtha. "Maitha nin."
Maglor rôthi Bronwen. Cailthi cailin irtha, rôma irtha, tith muig irtha. No a-gûmi cumlir. Gwî ontha taugi huch irtha, ar ar-gam a-haugi ar glô.
Drauth, Maglor cailthi cailin irtha ar cwithi, "U-wethli gui."
"U." I 'win lanthi alm onthi. "Hauthwaid Maglori?"
"U." Maglor rôthi irtha. "Bess Maglori."
~
A drabble, no less! And since I realised 'Bronwen' is perfectly acceptable Gnomish for 'Constance' ('bron' = steadfast, constant; '-wen' is your standard female suffix), it's also a PPC story!
Since so far as I know we have exactly one agent who could make any sense of it (Norlosse of DAS, who speaks Qenya but can probably pass in Gnomish), I suppose I'll offer a translation. Rot13'ed, because while it's not exactly super dirty, it is moderately explicit.
~
Bapr hcba n gvzr, Zntybe fgbbq snpvat Pbafgnapr, gur znvqrayl jneevbe. "V uhatre gb ync ng gul rkprrqvatyl snve oernfgf."
Gur znvqra fgebxrq uvf ybat gerffrf. "Lbh unir ynccrq ng gurz."
Zntybe ybbxrq hc ng ure snpr. "V srry na rntre ybatvat gb fdhrrmr gul svez ohggbpxf."
Pbafgnapr gbhpurq uvf purfg. "Lbh unir fdhrrmrq gurz."
Zntybe xvffrq ure oner nez. "Naq abj V vagraq gb enivfu lbh."
Pbafgnapr yrg fyvc ure pybnx. "Enivfu zr."
Zntybe rzoenprq Pbafgnapr. Ur xvffrq ure yvcf, ure fubhyqre, ure fbsg oernfg. Gura gurl ynl hcba gur pbhpu. Uvf zrzoehz ivevyr sbhaq ure phaahf, naq jvgu n fubhg gurl pbchyngrq hagvy qnja.
Jbea bhg, Zntybe xvffrq ure yvcf naq juvfcrerq, "Ab znvqra abj."
"Ab." Gur jbzna fgebxrq gur oebnq bs uvf onpx. "Zntybe'f pbafbeg?"
"Ab." Zntybe rzoenprq ure. "Zntybe'f jvsr."
~
BRB, editing all my stories to refer to Maglor as Zntybe. ^^
There's actually a lot of useful Gnomish words for the aspiring smut-author. I used this list, which comes with a handy grammar page; aside from the words I used, I noted 'pregnant', multiple words for 'swallow', lots of 'pleasure' and 'desire' terms, a word for 'darling'... and a host of things like 'bite', 'slave woman', 'untie', 'rope' (also glossed 'thong', hem hem), and the astoundingly suggestive laus - 'juice, sap; energy, vitality'.
And he did subtitle the Lay of Leithian 'Escape from Bondage'... I'm just sayin'. ^~
hS
My eyes completely glossed over the rot13'd bit. Never mind.
(Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to alternate between hiding my face in shame and laughing at the drabble. Cheers.)
(Don't worry - a few mistakes every now and then are good for Oldbie humility.)
Thinking about it, it's appropriate that Gnomish is the language that can write the best smut. Uniquely among the Elven languages, it was viewed as a language of slavery - it was spoken among the people who, at the time of the Great Tales, were almost all thralls in Angband (as referenced in the original Tale of Tinuviel, where Beren was hated by Thingol not as a mortal, but as a probable escaped slave-gnome). So they should have the earthy, blunt language to go with it. Qenya, and later Quenya, were the poetic languages of Valinor, while Noldorin and Sindarin were spoken by free peoples in Beleriand.
...
Aaaaand now I'm imagining Gnomish romance novels circulating in the mines, with occasional injections of torture porn written by Orcs to horrify them.
And then they form a League for the Preservation of Fictional Purity, and start writing poems where they rescue the victims of the Orcs' stories...
hS, as above, so below
So... pondering on the nature of Gnomish literature, I... kind of came up with one.
It's pretty dark, and pretty explicit, and definitely NSFW, Tolkienesque circumlocutions in the translation aside. So... same setup as before, I guess?
~
"Ai, Alchon!" I ngolwin manci hauthwaid irtha. "Raug - raug!"
"Suss, Hîrwin!" Alchon genthi rômath morcin irtha, hanthi polmogiont. "Nin-brig i Orglin gima fi!"
Hîrwin fuithi auba irtha ad am ontha. "Nin-brig atha gwinta nin." Ir clamfi hacha ontha, hōli ontha. "Raug, Alchon - antha nin fi-gwaith!"
Alchon hanthi irtha i vant gonwed, gwib ontha cwanthi huch irtha. "Nin-mavros gwilm," on naithi. "Nin-mavros hoitha fin, u..."
"Gui hug nin," ninni Hîrwin. "Raug!"
Alchon nauri ar hanthi torod. On fori laub irtha ar fulthi tith irtha; on gwîli a, lôvi a, nôgi ar nacthi a.
Gogail Hîrwin ricthi, santha maus ar ong gomintha. "Alchon," ir cwithi, "hug nin..."
Upthani, Alchon fairthi gwaith ontha a chuch Hîrwin. On lantathi, manci ir.
Hîrwin genthi on ar micthi on. "Ai, Alchon, maimelion..." No: "Hith! Orglin!"
Alchon lantathi bâ, hōli baithri ontha; ninios, Orc lompi arog. Tair thanc lompi ar atha. "Druith!" upthani a. "Drab, el nin-daf gwir!"
"U." Hîrwin rôthi tîr. "Nin giol."
"Ai!" I Orc basga mab. "Lath gwilm fin. Ar fin!" A ponta ar Alchon. "Altha drab fin!"
A manci ôl Hîrwin ar hōli ir bâ. I ngolwin nauri, ar i Orc cacthi. "Nobron on cwiptha fin, drogwin," cachui a, "lonthi a!"
~
"Bu, Nypuba!" Gur Tabzvfu jbzna pyhgpurq ng ure ybire. "Fjvsgyl - fjvsgyl!"
"Uhfu, Uîejva!" Nypuba fvrmrq ure svygul fubhyqref, *guehfg fgebatre. "V srne gur Bepf urne lbh!"
Uîejva uvq ure pevrf ntnvafg uvf purfg. "V srne gurl frr zr." Fur pynjrq ng uvf ohggbpxf, chyyrq uvz. "Fjvsg, Nypuba - tvir zr lbhe frrq!"
Nypuba guehfg ure ntnvafg gur ebpxl jnyy, uvf funsg svyyvat ure. "V jvfu sbe crnpr," ur ynzragrq. "V jvfu gb znxr ybir gb lbh, abg..."
"Whfg gnxr zr," jrcg Uîejva. "Fjvsgyl!"
Nypuba tebjyrq naq *guehfg svrepryl. Ur gber ure fuveg bcra naq onerq ure obfbz; ur fdhrrmrq vg, yvpxrq vg, tanjrq naq ovg vg.
Uîejva'f zbhgu gjvfgrq, fubjvat cyrnfher naq cnva obgu. "Nypuba," fur juvfcrerq, "gnxr zr..."
Jvgu n fubhg, Nypuba eryrnfrq uvf frrq vagb Uîejva. Ur sryy, pyhgpuvat ng ure.
Uîejva uryq uvz naq xvffrq uvz yvtugyl. "Bu, Nypuba, qrne-orybirq..." Gura: "Yvfgra! Bepf!"
Nypuba sryy njnl, chyyvat ng uvf pybgurf; nynf, na Bep ehaf dhvpxyl. N ybngufbzr thneq ena gbjneqf gurz. "Fynirf!" vg fubhgrq. "Jbex, be V synl lbh!"
"Ab." Uîejva fgbbq gnyy. "V'ir pbaprvirq."
"Netu!" Gur Bep guerj hc n unaq. "N lrne bs erfg sbe lbh. Naq lbh!" Vg ghearq gb Nypuba. "Gjvpr gur jbex sbe lbh!"
Vg tenoorq Uîejva'f nez naq chyyrq ure njnl. Gur Tabzvfu jbzna pbzcynvarq, naq gur Bep ynhturq zbpxvatyl. "Gur arkg gvzr ur nebhfrf lbh, fynir-jbzna," vg ynhturq, "fjnyybj vg!"
~
The idea here is that if one of the slaves gets pregnant, she's pulled out of the mines for a year to preserve the breeding stock. If the story continued, Hîrwin would try to use the opportunity to escape, and potentially rescue Alchon; but, the First Age being what it is, I bet it'd end in tragedy.
And that is enough - in fact, far too much - of me writing dodgy ancillary-canon smut in languages literally no-one in the world can read. Good grief.
hS
...hS began writing Gnomish smut. I feel like this should be a CAHQ card now... and I'm half-tempted to find Silmarillion smutfic for you to translate. I feel like there could be a market for that. Muahaha.
I'll just be in my corner doing this.
Book of Lost Tales all the way!
In fact, if you can find genuine BoLT smutfic - without cheating and going 'this part didn't change between the two versions, so it counts' - I will try to translate at least part of it, into Gnomish or Qenya as appropriate.
Ball's in your court. ^_~
hS
I almost challenged you directly, but then I was like, "nah, that's not hS's thing," so I didn't. Turns out I was wrong, and that I didn't have to! ^_^
I will actually read these later.
~Neshomeh
It's not generally my thing for publication, but in this case I'm treating it as a puzzle - how much can you do with a severely limited vocabulary and grammar? There are, for instance, no verb forms other than past and present, which - even allowing present to serve as imperative and infinitive - is pretty restrictive.
hS
Didn't end up trying to translate from the Gnomish myself, I'm afraid—I've fallen down a very fun writing well that's taking up most of my brain right now—but I have read the translations, and compared to the Gnomish, and noticed some interesting things about the grammar. Possessives at the end of phrases, right? "of his," "of hers"? Strange! But does make it more poetic, potentially.
The language would be very interesting to read aloud.
~Neshomeh
'Irtha' ('of her') is attested, but 'ontha' is my own formation, though a pretty obvious one: 'on' and 'ir' are 'him' and 'her' respectively.
... of course, with that foolish 'read aloud' comment, you're giving me some very strange ideas.
ENG: On a time, in the dark, Maglor stood facing Constance the warrior. "I hunger to taste thy exceedingly fair breasts."
GNO: Diradhin, ba vorthi, Maglor rôthi had Bronwen i aithron."Nin-saitha thlib ar tithron gwandronta thas."
QEN: Kalendesse, lómisse, Makalauren hine Vorondwenda i ektarnta. "Ni-saite sulpe tittet vanildinen tye."
hS
You never know when you might need some smutty vocabulary from a made-up language that isn't even used in-universe in your back pocket. ^_^
~Neshomeh
You can't tease us like that and then just leave those of us who don't speak the language hanging!