I liked the early draft, and I like this expanded version even more.
But there may be some evil autocorrect going on:
Tomash shared at the screen in confusion. And Tomash shared at the state of the room and then looked over at the panel. In both cases, you meant "stared", right?
He aimed the CAD at the plothore intersecting the cables, and pushed the button.
This appears to be a "plothole".
She then messaged the fellow who'd run to the data2 switch to let vem know it was safe to pull it.
This may be correct, supposing that "vem" is a non-gender-specific pronoun I’m not aware of, but I thought I’ll better mention it anyway.
Overall, though the department maintained a typical level of swearing, coffee-drinking, and excited "I figured it out" noises.
This doesn’t look grammatically right, like a part of the sentence is missing, though you may just need to either drop the "though" or insert another comma after "though".