Subject: Re: mission
Posted on: 2020-01-06 17:18:22 UTC
I'm intrigued to learn more of Liz's backstory. It sounds like she fell into Fire Emblem from World One, but has maybe lost a lot of her Earth memories? I'm looking forward to finding out what exactly went down in her life.
I'm amused that Chenille is a rabbit-man, but avoids the happy, friendly bunny stereotype by being so gruff and analytical. That made it even funnier to imagine him in the Lopunny disguise, especially at the end when he briefly mimed being one in front of the Ash replacement. I don't know about the Pikachu's Electric attack "breaking" a generated disguise, and it kind of feels like a missed opportunity to let Chenille defeat it in the Lopunny body, but oh well. Maybe next time.
I think you handled the skipping around decently enough. It was a lot of portal usage and writing charges to read about, but it sounds like the original fic didn't leave you much choice.
I like the way you portrayed the real Arceus, with the bold, underlined text to contrast it strongly against Farceus. I generally dislike Pokémon speaking, but I think it was the right choice in this mission, especially since Farceus was already speaking anyway.
"Chenille opened another portal, waiting for Liz to fly into before he did so.
That should be either "fly in" or "fly into it"
"'Oh just chance,' Liz tried to wave it off. 'Actually, there’s something I wanted to tell you,'"
The comma at the end should be a period, since the sentence ends with this dialogue. I recommend a comma between "Oh" and "just" as well.
"Liz came back from that trip with two sets of mega stones and keystones, and dropped them in the backpack before setting off to neutralize Professor Oak, Gary, Delia, and Richard."
"neuralyze." Autocorrect probably did this one!
Lastly, since no one else has asked, may I adopt Physic, please?
—doctorlit had to look up why Uxie's eyes were important, because he never played Diamond or Pearl