Subject: Re: mission
Author:
Posted on: 2020-01-08 20:26:42 UTC
I finally had a chance to read this, and it was a nicely done mission overall.
I like the author's note pointing out the better sides of the fic at the end.
The assassination had good dramatic tension.
One minor problem I found is what's probably a missing word in "Ashton gets some toys he really shouldn’t have and/or break the laws of physics."
New agents are introduced, the most padded-out badfic I've ever seen creates a ridiculous Stu, and Liz has no idea what she's in for.
Contains some swearing, entirely on the part of the agents.
I finally had a chance to read this, and it was a nicely done mission overall.
I like the author's note pointing out the better sides of the fic at the end.
The assassination had good dramatic tension.
One minor problem I found is what's probably a missing word in "Ashton gets some toys he really shouldn’t have and/or break the laws of physics."
Poor wording on my part, probably. I meant that, as well as how he wasn't supposed to have them, the things Ashton was getting were also breaking the laws of physics.
I'm intrigued to learn more of Liz's backstory. It sounds like she fell into Fire Emblem from World One, but has maybe lost a lot of her Earth memories? I'm looking forward to finding out what exactly went down in her life.
I'm amused that Chenille is a rabbit-man, but avoids the happy, friendly bunny stereotype by being so gruff and analytical. That made it even funnier to imagine him in the Lopunny disguise, especially at the end when he briefly mimed being one in front of the Ash replacement. I don't know about the Pikachu's Electric attack "breaking" a generated disguise, and it kind of feels like a missed opportunity to let Chenille defeat it in the Lopunny body, but oh well. Maybe next time.
I think you handled the skipping around decently enough. It was a lot of portal usage and writing charges to read about, but it sounds like the original fic didn't leave you much choice.
I like the way you portrayed the real Arceus, with the bold, underlined text to contrast it strongly against Farceus. I generally dislike Pokémon speaking, but I think it was the right choice in this mission, especially since Farceus was already speaking anyway.
Some errors:
"Chenille opened another portal, waiting for Liz to fly into before he did so.
That should be either "fly in" or "fly into it"
"'Oh just chance,' Liz tried to wave it off. 'Actually, there’s something I wanted to tell you,'"
The comma at the end should be a period, since the sentence ends with this dialogue. I recommend a comma between "Oh" and "just" as well.
"Liz came back from that trip with two sets of mega stones and keystones, and dropped them in the backpack before setting off to neutralize Professor Oak, Gary, Delia, and Richard."
"neuralyze." Autocorrect probably did this one!
Lastly, since no one else has asked, may I adopt Physic, please?
—doctorlit had to look up why Uxie's eyes were important, because he never played Diamond or Pearl
I'll get on those edits right away.
As for why I went with the disguise breaking, there's Stuff going on behind the scenes and I needed Liz to know that Chenille is a taguel, but I really couldn't find a better or more natural way to include that. And I do have eventual plans for Chenille to disguise as a Lopunny again, so perhaps!
Arceus does actually speak in the Pokémon anime, most prominently in Arceus and the Jewel of Life (also because I don't actually know if They make an appearance elsewhere besides the movie that definitely does not exist).
You're welcome to Physic!
I haven't paid attention to much beyond the games for years. Oops!
And as for Physic . . .
A portal opened in a corridor in HQ, just outside the Mini Adoption Agency. Out of it issued both a mini-Missingno, ushered in by Chenille, and the sounds of Liz angrily berating the fic that had produced the mini. The portal closed, cutting off the agent's tirade, leaving Physic alone in the hallway.
Physic was a cluster of jumbled computer coding suspended in midair. The 8-bit squares in black, red and yellow jerked back and forth every few seconds, scrambling before settling back into place. It felt uncomfortable in this hallway; the dimensions didn't feel right at all. Time and space and other factors grated against each other in unnatural ways. In short, there was a problem . . . with the physics.
Having no other options to consider, it floated towards the open doorway before it. Perhaps things would feel better in there . . .
But instead, they felt rather sticky. The doorway was covered in fine strands like an Ariados's webbing, which easily snared the floating particles that composed Physic's form. It felt itself being dragged backwards, away from the Adoption Agency door, through a different doorway on the opposite wall.
"We caughts one, yesssss," hissed a voice from somewhere in the darkness.
"Finally," said a deeper voice from behind Physic. The door promptly closed, making the darkness total. Not that Physic needed light to see; photons were only one property of reality, and after all, Physic had no eyes to begin with. The creature behind was human-looking, though small. A fellow mini. The creature above, dangling the silk webbing, was indeed like a furry, brown Ariados. Larger, yet a mini as well.
The human mini spoke again, his eyes flicking up and down the soft glow of Physic's body. "Computer coding. Huh. Do you speak, friend?"
"Of course speak." Physic's voice was garbled, like it was playing through outdated speakers. "We outside world. Rules different. Rules . . ." Its body convulsed, flipping back and forth until the webbing lost its hold on Physic's body. ". . . no hold us."
Midguard grinned. "Those happen to be my thoughts, exactly . . ."
The Avengers Minitiative
coming May 1, 2015
—doctorlit links to part one to avoid confusing newbies
I'm so glad Physic will be put to good use.
I really like how you conveyed the crushing sense of boredom to the poor agents. You also did a frighteningly good job of displaying the "oh shpx why is he doing that he's ten" and the maniacal bloodlust of the Stu.
The description of the badfic's atmosphere when the agents first go in helps make the experience feel real.
As for some other moments: to me, this misssion gives less of a feeling the agents are detached from the situation and more like the agents are actually at the scene. For example, when they had to run to make sure the canons didn't see them. (I edited this since I misremembered what actually happened in the mission. Sorry)
"So she skimmed. And kept skimming. And kept skimming." This sentence conveys the frustration really well.
When the Suvians were about to get charged, I like how Spoiler
Also, I find the way the Vulpix acted to be adorable.
Anyway, the mission is very nice to read!
I've always interpreted agents as actually in the scenes of the badfic, so I suppose that makes sense.
...I'm part of the Ashton Succeeds At Everything (Except Being a Character) Club over on the Discord, and on your agents' behalf, ouch! The mission was everything promised; good writing, agents being tormented, screwing with time, the charges we've been over, and an awesome assassination.
I'm looking forward to seeing more of your stuff, and to sporking more of Too Good To Be True: Kanto League Failures on the Discord!
Liz was probably my favorite part to write, with the assassination and heartwarming moments coming in at a close second and third.
Sorry I never did end up using your idea for the assassination; the mission felt complete without something else complicating how the charge list got read.
You saw me trying to do Discord spoiler tags.