I'm just saying, dear, you're not exactly equipped to deal with-

"Go on." The woman by the fireplace looked up, grinning wider than seemed strictly possible. "Say 'crazies'. You know you want to."

I truly don't, the Kudzu assured her, then turned back to her host. If you'd just allow me to take her back to HQ...

"Yeah, about that." Constance Sims took a sip of her coffee, grimaced, and put it down. "Cold. I'm really not convinced that we want to revisit the intersection of 'PPC HQ' and 'Ontic Laison has a breakdown'."

"Don't be silly!" Ontic called. "I feel fine. The breaking is what other people do."

"Besides," Dafydd put in, coming up beside his wife and depositing a steaming mug, "we're actually really experienced with dealing with unstable people."

The Kudzu gave a mental sigh. Mr. Illian - no, that doesn't sound right - Former Agent Illian, having children does not prepare you for caring for the afflicted.

"I didn't mention the kids," Dafydd said. "Connie, did you mention the kids? I didn't hear you mention-"

"Ignore him," Constance said, thwapping her husband's arm. "He means himself." She looked over at the fifth occupant of the room. "Help me out here, Lou."

"Hmm?" Maybe-Former Possibly-Agent Louise looked down from her intense scrutiny of the ceiling. "Sorry, Constance, but I think we've got bigger problems. An old friend," she nodded upward, "just came to visit, and I think our scene's about to-"

HOUSE 1

In the Illian household: a large, rambling pre-industrial house with modern amenities hidden out of sight.

• Dafydd
• Constance
• Kudzu
• Lou
• Ontic (in breakdown mode)

---

[BEEPbeepBEEPbeepBEEPbeepBEEP]

<What in the worlds is that?>

Agent Supernumerary (Nume to his friends, though most people would be surprised he had any) tapped at the big red button on the console, then slapped at it with increasing urgency. "Whatever it is, it isn't for us."

I'm rather afraid it is. From somewhere among her leaves, the Sub Rosa produced a small metal device. She didn't seem to manipulate it in any way, but the beeping noise quickly dropped to 'background noise' levels. That's the lockdown alarm, she said. That means it's for everyone.

"Not everyone." The Ostensibly Interim Head of the Interdimensional Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Elves - aka Liliac - pointed a finger at Nume. "I'm not part of your corporate military. As soon as you hand over the elf, I'm out of here."

"For the last time," Nume ground out, "I am not an elf."

"Yeah, but you are though." Liliac made an incomprehensibly expansive gesture with one arm. "I mean, look at you!"

<You do have certain elvish traits,> Ilraen proffered.

"Stop helping."

I don't think you understand, Ms. Liliac, the Sub Rosa said. It isn't just the alarm. It means-

"The door's gone." Luxury stuck her hand into the hazy blue field filling the doorway the doorway, and grinned as her arm reappeared sticking straight back into the room. "The door's weird," she corrected, "and I can think of all sorts of fun things to do with it..."

HOUSE 2

RC 999: A standard PPC response centre.

• Nume
• Ilraen
• Sub Rosa
• Luxury
• Liliac

---

"No, of course you can't get out. That's the whole point."

The Aviator folded her arms and glowered at the Korean man. "Then make it not the point."

To his credit, Makes-Things didn't back down. "I can't," he said. "This is a lockdown; it's supposed to keep everyone in place until the problem is dealt with."

Indeed. The large tree in the corner of the TARDIS' console room really shouldn't have fit, but wibbly-wobbly, spacey-wacey. It would hardly be a lock... down if we could un... lock it.

"Yeah, but you built the system," the Aviator retorted. "That means you can un-build it." She looked between Hornbeam and Makes-Things and grimaced. "If you don't, I'll have to ask Zeb to zap it."

"Um." The Pokemon glanced across at his partner. "Didn't you say Thunder Wave inside the TARDIS was, quote, 'a really no good very bad idea'?"

Oh, really? The fifth occupant of the TARDIS managed to convey an amusedly-arched eyebrow, despite not possessing a face. That's very interesting.

"No, that's not- argh!" The Aviator did her best to glare at everyone simultaneously. "Guys. Please. We have to get him out of here."

Please, don't rush on my account. The Sunflower Emperor, head of the Mirror Multiverse's Enforcers of the Plot Continuum, leaned languidly back against the railing. This is far more entertaining than going home...

HOUSE 3

The Aviator's TARDIS: A PPC TARDIS, which has recently made an accidental trip to the Mirror Multiverse.

• Aviator
• Zeb
• Hornbeam
• Makes-Things
• Sunflower Emperor

---

You really can't stay in there.

"I can!" The grey door muffled the speaker's voice, but his panic still came through clearly. "I'm not going out until she's gone!"

The Sunflower Official wished fervently that he had hair to pull at. She cannot leave, he pointed out. You know this; you're the one who put us into lockdown.

"I thought it would portal us all home!" The edges of the door started to leak blackness as the Canon Librarian's voice rose in pitch. "Why would you design a system that would lock us in with her?"

Agents Mara and Isaiah exchanged a look, then looked over at the girl across the room. "She doesn't seem too bad," Isaiah ventured.

Mara snorted. "Yes, but the worst ones don't," she said. "Remember that ship-stealing Elizabeth-hater we fed to the Kracken?"

Isaiah's brow furrowed. "She... seemed pretty bad."

"... all right, but the principle is sound."

"She's the worst." The whole door had turned black now, and the Sunflower Official had to shuffle back. "I've read her stories; she's literally the literal worst."

"Who, me?" The golden-haired girl on the far side of the room fluttered her eyelashes. Her smile was like a thousand gentle streams washing over a bed of pearls, or some other such incoherent turn of phrase. "Come on, Sunny," she said, turning her sparkling blue eyes to the SO, "don't frighten the poor man - you have to tell him he can trust me." She giggled, a rippling sound that seemed to batter at the very walls of reality. "After all - who doesn't trust Jaycacia Thornbyrd?"

HOUSE 4

The Committee Room: Meeting place of the Board of Flowers. Has a currently-occupied broom closet.

• Mara
• Isaiah
• Sunflower Official
• Canon Librarian
• Jaycacia

---

"Oh come on."

The shortish, brown-haired woman fixed the swirling blue that had replaced her front door with a glare that could melt steel. "Five more minutes," she said. "Just five more minutes and they would have been gone."

"Hey, now." Her friend - taller, red hair - touched her shoulder, her hand pale on the woman's long, midnight-blue tunic. "It could be worse. There could be snakes in here."

"Jay." Acacia Byrd stabbed a finger at the Flower lurking behind her couch. "Think before you speak."

The Venomous Tentacula, mistress of the League of Mary Sue Factories, folded her admittedly snake-like tendrils. I take offence at that, she said. Snakes are far too Voldemort-esque.

"You run a literal Mary Sue factory!" Acacia snapped. "You're the embodiment of evil."

But unlike certain wizards, the Tentacula replied, I'm also competent.

Jay snorted, nudging Acacia with an elbow in the hopes that doing so might cause a joke to come into existence. "I don't know about that," she said. "You did get caught."

Sheer fluke, the Tentacula said primly, flicking a frond at the other Flower in the small house. If she hadn't happened to wander through-

I prefer to think of it as skill, the Tiger Lily retorted. This way I get to kill two birds with one stone.

"No birds are dead!" Acacia protested, waving her arms over her head. "Seriously? Not only have you not got the evil Flower out of my house, you haven't even caught the crazy person!"

I'm sure she'll see reason soon, the Tiger Lily said. Agent Shrike? I really am not here to arrest you. We just want to know if you witnessed anything-

"I've witnessed things you people wouldn't believe!" There was a pattering of feet, as of a hyperactive person running very fast through the other rooms. "But you're not going to get me that easily - no! I bet that's how you caught the Sunflower Official! Ha, but you're not going to put me in your oven, you Wicked Old Witch!"

Jay sighed, turned to her friend, and gave her a wry grin. "Acy," she said, "I think it's going to be a looong lockdown."

HOUSE 5

Acacia's house in Ancient Rome. Has a jewellery workshop, but no kitchen.

• Jay
• Acacia
• Tiger Lily
• Sunflower's Witness
• Venomous Tentacula

(For the purposes of this game, you may assume other typical occupants of the houses, such as the Illian kids, are present or absent as suits you.)

hS

this Tweet), which proposes a bunch of quarantine houses and asks which one you'd want to live in. (I'd embed the picture but it's not working for some reason)

Said list of places to be stuck seems to routinely (in the few places I've seen it) send people scrambling to Google to figure out who most of these people are and then debating which one of these is the least terrible idea.

(I provisionally lean 5, because, among other things, I do not want to be anywhere the pile of fireworks that is Harry Dresden and Bob Howard meeting ... or things like the apparent zombie plague in House 2)

...but I'll list a few.

• Hermione Granger (Harry Potter)

She's my favorite character from my favorite book series, so that's probably why. Also, I view her as a great source of knowing more about the wizarding world — the parts not written in the books — since she knows so many things. I also hold the hopes that her presence will stimulate my brain a bit and make me smarter, but that I don't know how well that would work.

• Christine Daaé or Erik (the Phantom of the Opera)

I just want to hear the voices of the Angels of Music myself. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, yes. Oh, wait, you know what? Maybe only Christine should come. It is not wise to overlook the risk of murder, however distracting the risk of infection might be. crosses Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Rebecca de Winter, and Graf Von Krolock from the list as well.

• Le Petit Prince (Le Petit Prince)

He is... precious. I can't think of a reason of not wanting to see him except my heart will break when he has to leave.

• Phoebus (Notre Dame de Paris)

Ah, the man who charmed Esmeralda to her doom. I'd like to see how well he could charm me.

• Mr. Mistoffelees (Cats)

Who's ready to see some cat magic? :)

• Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean)

It's time to incorporate a lust object into my wish list, don't you think? Hehe... What, hygiene problems? Well... um... I'll think about it later.

• Black Widow (Marvel)

I swear I'm straight. I swear.

Oh, wait, there is a more clever answer: Kids Next Door villain the Toiletnator! An infinite supply of toilet paper means no worrying about availability. Plus, the toilets can never clog! I wonder if he could fix my leaky shower faucet, too . . .

—doctorlit, making the weird out-there references

I always forget all the characters I'd want to put on a list like this, but if I can remember a few...

-Masterharper Robinton (Pern). Apologies to Neshomeh for getting here first, but I mean who wouldn't want Robinton? He's charming, courteous, likeable, a world-class entertainer and just all around a great person to spend time with.

-Iskandar (Fate). Surprising nobody, but there is a rational reason here. Iskandar is more trouble than he's worth under normal conditions because favorite character or no, he actually wants to take over the world. But he's not stupid so he's stay inside and aside from that minor issue, he's quite affable. His larger-than-life personality would be a welcome source of entertainment during a lockdown, his positive outlook would help keep things in perspective, and I would rather like to play him at a videoge or two—it'd help pass the time.

And... uhh... dangit I was sure I had more. Forgot what they were though.

First of all, I live with my parents( that’s because I’m still a teenager). So I don’t think that they will take kindly to strangers sharing my room with them.

Not only that but what if they have the virus? Won’t they help to spread the virus even further? What happens if they catch the virus from me? Will it spread to their own home continuum?

Now if we bury all of these concerns, and that they may or may not only appear in my dreams, then good.

List of characters that I will not want to be with and why:

1.Mr Krabs( he will charge me rent, and does it look like we have water on the surface to keep him alive?).

2.Kirby( he will eat all of the food, and does it look like we have the food and money to keep him fed?).

3.The Lotus( she literally has no character other than being blood thirsty?).

1. BTS( god no they will attract more people and spread the virus. Besides, do I really want Curtis to look at his idols and steal their looks to look “cooler?”).

2. Anime characters( Do I really want to have characters from a media that I really don’t like? Besides, do I really want a haram of over sexualised one dimensional cartoon girls, even though I am too young for the age of consent? By the way, I hate fictional romance).

6.Stus( Do I really want to be told why they are so masculine and why they hate society for all of their petty, “philosophical” reasons? And that they attract countless anime girls despite the fact that he killed people?).

7.Sues( Do I really want to be told why she’s so progressive, that I’m a toxic male supporting a so called patriarchy, even though her ideal society is literally a patriarchy that’s only run by women? Despite the fact that my President is a woman?).

8.Amos Yee( Do I really want to have a paedophile with me and be charged for being an accomplice for wounding the religious feelings of Christians and all Singaporeans?).

1. Curtis Tan(go figure it out).

List of characters I would like to be with and why: 1. Tom Nook( he’s a really cool guy, and he can teach you how to make something and earn a couple of bucks).

1. The tiger who came to eat(he will eat the virus).

2. AVGN( he is what a true retro gamer really is).

3. Pink guy( he’s a real musician, and is so anti social that no one will swarm my parent’s apartment).

4. Spongebob from Seasons 1 to 3( has more character than anime characters that I usually remember, and thank god none of the characters are anime girls).

5. Akash( my senior from my CCA, scouts. He’s a funny guy and we can play Minecraft together if we’re bored).

6. Stripe( my cat and hopefully she’s not spying for Curtis).

7. Red Dick( he will cook you pretty good food).

8. My actual real life self( he’s the only one I can actually).

Edit: the bloody formatting destroyed my masterpiece.

Hermione because she's the least likely to be a covidiot, and can probably give me some good book recommendations. Also she's capable of handling intelligent conversation.

Faramir because Gondor has been under siege and he probably knows how to handle situations like this. Is also the least likely to flip out after losing a Monopoly game. In general, good quarantine pal.

Smelly Gabe, as sacrificial victim. I hate him.