Subject: [NSFW] I don’t understand why Elves have self lubricating asses?
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Posted on: 2020-05-14 06:14:35 UTC
[Yes this is very NFSW] Remember the dubious lube page? Well, it mentions something about Elves having self lubricating asses. I don’t know whether it’s true, or how in the world a Mary Sue/ Gary Stu would be able to control anatomy that much but I am genuinely confused.
~SomeRandomPersonAccount
Ah, elves. Noble, intelligent, long-lived... and also quite favored by Sues. However, today I seek not to inquire into the bland noble wizard forest dudes that Sues create- today I'm curious about the really weird Suvian traits that sometimes get tacked onto elves. For example, not too long ago I picked up a book from the Adventurers Wanted series, not having read it for many years. It... wasn't very good. But the bit that sticks out in my memory the most is the fact that every elf in this cosmology could apparently draw a perfect circle. Why did evolution, magic, or for that matter the book gift them with such a random talent? Perhaps by accumulating more weird elf traits, we can find out.
mumbles something about Santa's elves despite it being late spring
Huh what I said nothing nosireebob no Christmas blasphemy over here not at all
Tell me your strange Christmas elf theories, and you may be able to repent. (I'm curious now pleeease)
Okay, so this actually was a sort of a poorly worded throwaway jokish thing, but alrighty, time to go diving into the dark abyss that is the obscure corners of the internet!
Binges internet
"One of Santa’s elves’ defining characteristics are their pointy ears, which really help in anticipating repairs on Santa’s sleigh. They have a large pinna... (that) helps elves localize sounds like a screw that’s become loose on a sleigh’s runner. Their brilliant hearing means they also have a talent for echolocation... handy because it gets dark as anything on Christmas night and Santa doesn’t want to be seen." -Santamory, someone's OC from an edutainment website
I'm surprised at the source, but hey, that's a pretty neat idea.
…I’m in the corner thinking about, of all things, house elves. SIRPHE, anyone? Society for the Inclusivity and Recognition of Potterverse House Elves? I mean, if SPEW could exist to promote elfish welfare, then SIRPHE could exist to recognize house elves as elves...? I don't even know what I'm talking about rn
Very old elves. Because Elves are closely related to Time Lords*, and we know what happens when they get super old.
*Long-lived, standoffish, think they're better than you... Time Lords, Elves, and Vulcans, it all fits.
hS
[Yes this is very NFSW] Remember the dubious lube page? Well, it mentions that badfic authors write Elves having self lubricating asses. I don’t know the logic behind it but I am confused. Squick involving body fluids I also tried to search for reasons on Google, but all I get is umm, some rather NSFW results.
~SomeRandomPersonAccount
[[Nameless Admin: Subject line edited after 24 hours of no response from SRPA]]
Even though you warned for content, the subject line is visible to anyone viewing the main page, which means we can't choose to avoid reading that word, even without clicking through to your post.
—doctorlit
World of Warcraft, I'm looking at you. There's no way those actually make them hear better, so what gives? Do elves find tall, pointy ears so attractive that they've self-selected for even taller and even pointier ears over the generations? (I know that's true of long, fabulous hair in the Tolkienverse! {= D )
What about glowing eyes? (Or molten orbs, or bright lamps, or whatever the urple synonym du jour is.) Do they somehow help with the telescoping thing?
Turning in another direction, something I noticed when learning about old-school fae elves (the kind that will either fix your shoes or steal your babies depending on whether you remembered to leave them a dish of milk or not) is that you always find them on the other side of the water. It doesn't matter where here is; they're always over there, and you have to cross the water to get to fairyland. It goes right up to Tolkien elves, too. Every Elvish settlement I can think of is bounded by water, and I guarantee that's no accident on Tolkien's part. I'm sure it's symbolic, and also it's a good plan for a settlement to have a source of fresh water plus more easily defended borders, but if you want to over-analyze elf traits, that seems like a fun one. ^_^
And, of course, the classic erotic fanfiction example is that elven posteriors are self-lubricating. Of course. Because reasons. Make of THAT what you will.
~Neshomeh
See, what those long ears are supposed to do is wrap over the head. That means they can channel noise from directly above, as well as off to the sides. The sensitive tips (so much fanfic involves those things being super-sensitive) are intended to directly detect the vibrations when sound hits them, meaning an elf would intuitively know when a sound came from above rather than off to the side.
There are two schools of thought on this: one is that elves originated in caves (see: Drow), and that this evolved to help them listen for potential rockfalls. The other is that it evolved outside, in response to some very large aerial predators.
"The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!"
hS
If you're implying the eagles were natural predators of the elves, that really throws a pretty dark perspective on the series.
Fingon hitching a ride on eagle to rescue Maedhros? Parasitism. Or some weird elf mind control.
Eagles fighting in the War of Wrath? Scouring the battlefield, for, uh, supplements.
But where does that place hobbits, if Eagles are predators and elves are prey? And where does that place Gandalf?
I see a whole realm of possibilities, and it is not safe for either of our minds.
'Riders!' cried Aragorn, springing to his feet. 'Many riders on swift steeds are coming towards us!'
'Yes,' said Legolas, 'there are one hundred and five. Yellow is their hair, and bright are their spears. Their leader is very tall.'
Aragorn smiled. 'Keen are the eyes of the Elves,' he said.
'Nay! The riders are little more than five leagues distant,' said Legolas.
-- The Two Towers Chapter 2: The Riders of Rohan
As discussed at blissful length here, if Legolas can count a hundred riders at five leagues (15 miles), he can also literally see the motion of the planets across the sky - where it would take a mortal most of the night to be able to detect the motion of Mars against the starfield, Legolas could discern it in under ten minutes.
Quite clearly, the combination of this with the circles thing (different universes? what different universes? ^_~) indicates that elves were created to be natural astronomers, just like dwarves are natural miners and humans are natural mayhem-generators.
As further evidence: Terry Pratchett's elves (Discworld) can make themselves appear however they want. Obviously, this is because an astronomer up all night winds up looking rather haggard, so they don't want to waste time making themselves look respectable.
Come to think of it, Pratchett elves are also natural universe-hoppers, explaining a) why they show up in so many canons, and b) which stars they're meant to observe - all of them.
hS
Not knowing enough about Discord (I know, I'm a shame on the PPC), I must therefore construct my own zany theory! I propose that elves are ancient aliens who lost their homeworld and bioengineered themselves to be the perfect astronomers, then scattered throughout the universes in order to increase their chances of returning home. They don't tell outsiders because of a variant on Star Trek's Prime Directive.
Aliens... pointy ears... stupid 'logical' plans... Prime Directive...
:O
The Abramsverse Vulcans never died! They were flung into the Multiverse and came up with this stupid idea to try and get home! All the differences between various Elves can be explained as different centres of bioengineering. It all works. :)
hS
Personally, I think they're more bog creature than alien. I mean, have you met an elf?