Subject: I concur. (nm)
Posted on: 2021-04-11 18:22:44 UTC
Subject: I concur. (nm)
- Second permission request by on 2021-04-03 00:19:19 UTC Edited Permission request Reply
Alright, hat is on. by
on 2021-04-11 00:06:57 UTC
Right away, I'm going to have to say Permission denied. Your agent bios look fine, but like the other commenters mentioned, your prompts are much too short and undetailed to really get a feel for how your characters would interact at length. I don't have a way to really compare the agents depicted in your prompts to the ones you tell me about in the bios.
Additionally, despite the short length, it took me far too long to get through the writing samples because of excessively long paragraphs; line breaks are your friends.
The tone also felt a bit... flat? Because of the shortness of the prompts, you had to resort to a lot of telling and not showing, so those paragraphs feel like a choppy laundry list of things happening rather than describing the scene.
The characters themselves look solid, and you have a good handle on SPaG, so just rewrite your prompts and I think you'll be okay.
Not a PG either, though I am a seasoned oldbie... by
on 2021-04-06 23:38:25 UTC
...And I really do enjoy the premise of your characters, especially all the little bits of Japanese jokes and cultural references you weave into them. It looks incredibly promising there!
But I'm seconding the other commenter that there's not enough in the actual writing sample for us to see their dynamic properly. You have a lot of telling with your character bios but I want to see more showing with their actual interactions. In my personal experience, what you say two characters' interactions will look like may not turn out that way when you settle down to write them -- my Agents were originally much more contentious and snippy with each other, and I had this thing on the Wiki about one of them having a phobia of messes and the other one being a slob to antagonise them, but as I continued actually writing missions for them I realised the real dynamic was very different from that (and also, I was convinced when I was 13 that they weren't in love and about 4 years later realised that was also wrong hahaha).
So I would recommend you sit down and write out more non-mission interactions between them so you can get a good handle on their lines and how they interact with one another outside of a mission!
Not a PG but... by
on 2021-04-03 17:45:34 UTC
The badfic looks bad, your activity looks good, so that's two points in your favour immediately.
On paper and from the bios, I like the look and feel of your characters, I like the idea of both of them and I like the descriptions that you've given, even going into their favoured weapons etc. I feel I should point out that I didn't look at your first Permission request, so I can't directly compare them with how they were then, so please so keep that in mind.
The prompts for me are a bit weird. They're on the short side which, while not bad generally gives us less to see the characters in action, and it's this that has me a bit curious and a bit worried in some ways. The only person to speak in both prompts is Chizuru, one line in each prompt, so we don't really see any interaction between the two agents beyond, perhaps, the last line of the first prompt. With this I don't really get a feel for Kaguya in any real way in either prompt. Don't get me wrong, I like the list of everything that went wrong for both characters in the first prompt and while it does allow us a bit of a window into each character and what they like to do, it doesn't really showcase either character for me. And with the second prompt, we only really get that Kaguya's just standing there, having a BSoD moment as he can't compute what's going on. And that's good, but again it doesn't really give me much of an idea of Kaguya and how he acts/reacts in situations and Chizuru's panicking while good, again doesn't really have much of an interaction with anything to bounc off of (or at least, that's how it feels to me).
I think what I would want is more, more from both prompts, more interaction between the two agents and more of a focus on each agent seperately and how they act/react, what they're thinking/doing, to give these prompts a bit more life so to speak and really give us, the reader a good feel for both of your characters.
The only other thing for me, is that while the SPaG in the prompts is good, it doesn't quite feel as smooth as it could perhaps be, I think this is more my opinion than anything that you or Midnight missed/did wrong, but it occasionally feels like words have been missed or not skipped that perhaps shouldn't have been.