Subject: I think Bookworm will address those things in the next part. (nm)
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Posted on: 2022-05-17 12:32:52 UTC
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The first part of my first mission is officially done! by
on 2022-05-17 03:09:03 UTC
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Here is the link: A Sue Who Can't Spell Part I
Please let me know if there is anything that needs to be fixed.
- Bw, terrified that they've epically screwed this up
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re: mission by
on 2022-05-25 04:03:10 UTC
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Ah, a new spin-off begins!
This mission has a lot of your agents reacting to the Words, but not much interacting with each other. It's nice to get to know what sort of people they are, even on a mission! You did, however, come up with some pretty amusing jokes created from the Words, though, so that was fun! I especially liked the exclamation points shooting up from underground, rather than the usual raining from the sky.
See you in part 2!
—doctorlit
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I have another Announcement. I co-wrote an interlude with Hidaney. It will be up on AO3 soon. by
on 2022-05-17 19:08:18 UTC
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We need to iron out a few things first, though.
- Bw
- The interlude is now up! by on 2022-05-17 20:43:49 UTC Reply
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re: interlude by
on 2022-05-25 12:48:23 UTC
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This is a nice interaction! The personalities of both characters really stand out against each other. I like that Boadicea is unfamiliar with what HQ is, but is also very observant of what she's seeing, and quick to analyze it. Meanwhile, Finola is clearly pretty old hat with the PPC, but not so great at handling newcomers, and a bit brusque overall when talking to people. It makes for some great character dialogue!
One note on punctuation: There are a couple spots where Finola's speech occupies multiple paragraphs. When that happens, the second paragraph should start with an extra quotation mark to show the reader it's still dialogue.
"Sort of like this.
"Followed by this."
(You guys are correct that the first paragraph of dialogue should not have a quotation mark at the end.)
—doctorlit
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Mission review by
on 2022-05-17 12:30:25 UTC
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Random notes:
- I noticed a couple typos and suggested the corrections.
-I think it could use a bit more interaction between the agents.
I thought the badfic's quoting of Star Wars was funny, just because of how ridiculous it was.
The sentence "Deirdre tried to yank the apostrophe out of the it’s, to no avail." made me smile. There are many it's's that need their apostrophes yanked out.
Not sure the sentence “What do you mean, she doesn't know who her parents are? Did she just pop out of thin air?” is necessary. It isn't unreasonable to not know who one's parents are, so I don't think you need to make fun of that.
Overall, a nice but short mission bit.
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Typos are fixed. I will see about other stuff soon. (nm) by
on 2022-05-17 16:25:01 UTC
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It's got a promising beginning. by
on 2022-05-17 03:37:56 UTC
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The comments Rebecca and Deirdre are making are pretty amusing, especially paired with them trying to move punctuation into the places where they ought to be! I think you can ease up on quoting the badfic so much -- focus on the very egregious and/or funny parts, and give us more of Rebecca and Deirdre interacting with each other in addition to snarking at the fic. That way you can give us more of their personalities outside of Standard Snarky PPC Agent. For example, Rebecca could talk more about Metallica, and Deirdre... you said she was from a sci-fi world you're working on? Why not have her talk about where she comes from, or run comparisons between her world and World One?
Is there an equivalent of Metallica back where she comes from?All in all, an entertaining start. Looking forward to the continuation!
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It's been a while since I betaed this, man! by
on 2022-05-17 03:32:01 UTC
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Let's see...
No need to be terrified! Even if you messed up, we aren't gonna yell at you, I promise. We all make mistakes. glares at my first mission
Usually, we don't link to the badfic in the actual mission. I've seen it done before (Nesh tends to do it), but I don't see it that often.
Ah, Metallica. I like some of their music, just like most bands, but I also like how you describe the band as someone who has never heard rock before.
Typically, the [BEEEP] takes up its own line, but including what the console was interrupting on the same line seems okay.
Hmm. I would say have Rebecca accept the mission then read the report, but the way you did it is okay, too,
because I also have done that.Some of the first bits seem more "tell" than "show," but it's not horrible. Better than the first draft.
Seems you forgot to say "they fell" when you said, "They appeared a few feet above the ground, which knocked the wind out of them." I just imagined the wind squishing their breath out, which is probably not what you meant, but a funny image nonetheless. :)
The pace is fast, not giving the agents a minute to breathe. Reminds me of David's first mission (in a good way, I promise).
Again, I love what you did with the exclaimation points. They are growing in the grounds, sirs!
Also again, love the direct manipulation of the Words! (Or attempt to)
Spelling error? "“Drat,” Sha said." Did you happen to mean she said?
Period floods! A major disaster in any Sue world!
The darkness bit feels too rushed. Maybe it would have been better to expand on that? Like, how do the agents feel when they get surrounded by darkness? Is the goop bad for their skin?
What happened to the mini? Did it get portaled to OFUM? Did it stick with the agents?
I feel like this mission is cut short rather than a proper cliffhanger or a slight tie-up existing. Feels like I'm missing something, you know?
That's all I've noticed. I hope this isn't too daunting, and I hope I'm not being too harsh. But, for a first mission, it was pretty decent. It was a bit fast paced and had creative uses of the Words and puncuation, but it did also have tell more than show in parts where show would be more engaging. I highly recommend looking up Show Vs. Tell articles and practicing describing the hows and whys to your readers. Otherwise, well done! I can't wait for what you do in the future and for the second part of this mission.
-kA, who apologizes in advance for errors in spelling. It is close to 11pm, and they are somewhat tired.
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I think Bookworm will address those things in the next part. (nm) by
on 2022-05-17 12:32:52 UTC
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Which things? I'm a bit confused. by
on 2022-05-17 13:08:01 UTC
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A lot of my suggestions are for the text overall and not necessarily for any sort of later planning, except the mini, maybe, but you said things. I'm just a bit confused. It might be because I just woke up.
-kA
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The mini, I guess? Don't they stick around sometimes? (Not sure "things" was necessary, actually.) (nm) by
on 2022-05-17 13:25:31 UTC
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