Ah, a new spin-off begins!

This mission has a lot of your agents reacting to the Words, but not much interacting with each other. It's nice to get to know what sort of people they are, even on a mission! You did, however, come up with some pretty amusing jokes created from the Words, though, so that was fun! I especially liked the exclamation points shooting up from underground, rather than the usual raining from the sky.

See you in part 2!

—doctorlit

We need to iron out a few things first, though.

• Bw

Random notes:

• I noticed a couple typos and suggested the corrections.

-I think it could use a bit more interaction between the agents.

• I thought the badfic's quoting of Star Wars was funny, just because of how ridiculous it was.

• The sentence "Deirdre tried to yank the apostrophe out of the it’s, to no avail." made me smile. There are many it's's that need their apostrophes yanked out.

• Not sure the sentence “What do you mean, she doesn't know who her parents are? Did she just pop out of thin air?” is necessary. It isn't unreasonable to not know who one's parents are, so I don't think you need to make fun of that.

Overall, a nice but short mission bit.

The comments Rebecca and Deirdre are making are pretty amusing, especially paired with them trying to move punctuation into the places where they ought to be! I think you can ease up on quoting the badfic so much -- focus on the very egregious and/or funny parts, and give us more of Rebecca and Deirdre interacting with each other in addition to snarking at the fic. That way you can give us more of their personalities outside of Standard Snarky PPC Agent. For example, Rebecca could talk more about Metallica, and Deirdre... you said she was from a sci-fi world you're working on? Why not have her talk about where she comes from, or run comparisons between her world and World One? Is there an equivalent of Metallica back where she comes from?

All in all, an entertaining start. Looking forward to the continuation!

Let's see...

• No need to be terrified! Even if you messed up, we aren't gonna yell at you, I promise. We all make mistakes. glares at my first mission

• Usually, we don't link to the badfic in the actual mission. I've seen it done before (Nesh tends to do it), but I don't see it that often.

• Ah, Metallica. I like some of their music, just like most bands, but I also like how you describe the band as someone who has never heard rock before.

• Typically, the [BEEEP] takes up its own line, but including what the console was interrupting on the same line seems okay.

• Hmm. I would say have Rebecca accept the mission then read the report, but the way you did it is okay, too, because I also have done that.

• Some of the first bits seem more "tell" than "show," but it's not horrible. Better than the first draft.

• Seems you forgot to say "they fell" when you said, "They appeared a few feet above the ground, which knocked the wind out of them." I just imagined the wind squishing their breath out, which is probably not what you meant, but a funny image nonetheless. :)

• The pace is fast, not giving the agents a minute to breathe. Reminds me of David's first mission (in a good way, I promise).

• Again, I love what you did with the exclaimation points. They are growing in the grounds, sirs!

• Also again, love the direct manipulation of the Words! (Or attempt to)

• Spelling error? "“Drat,” Sha said." Did you happen to mean she said?

• Period floods! A major disaster in any Sue world!

• The darkness bit feels too rushed. Maybe it would have been better to expand on that? Like, how do the agents feel when they get surrounded by darkness? Is the goop bad for their skin?

• What happened to the mini? Did it get portaled to OFUM? Did it stick with the agents?

• I feel like this mission is cut short rather than a proper cliffhanger or a slight tie-up existing. Feels like I'm missing something, you know?

That's all I've noticed. I hope this isn't too daunting, and I hope I'm not being too harsh. But, for a first mission, it was pretty decent. It was a bit fast paced and had creative uses of the Words and puncuation, but it did also have tell more than show in parts where show would be more engaging. I highly recommend looking up Show Vs. Tell articles and practicing describing the hows and whys to your readers. Otherwise, well done! I can't wait for what you do in the future and for the second part of this mission.

-kA, who apologizes in advance for errors in spelling. It is close to 11pm, and they are somewhat tired.