Subject: Ew. *Flamethrowers.*
Author:
Posted on: 2013-04-23 17:03:00 UTC
And they're summarizing because they didn't get all of the mythology bits, I'm sure. Some of that's pretty much direct (horrible) paraphrase, and even though the SPAG is acceptable, the pacing and diction is most definitely not.
... Stop trying to drag me back into sporkdom, Alia, it won't work! (Not that I wouldn't rather do that than write a paper, but...)
Okay, a couple things here. Strangely, they're both MLP.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/3764/mental-colt
I found this one over a year ago, and it hasn't updated since then. Not only is there this weird Casanova dude, I think they changed Ponyville's geography, the Always Neutral Good status of ponies, and there's a fair bit of OOC from the mane cast. Since the author's not looking (and hasn't been for a while), I say we spork it.
Second fic:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/3763/midnight-green
This one is mine. I stopped writing it because a) I ran out of ideas, b) I was fairly certain it was bad anyway, c) there was a distinct lack of reader interest, and d) I'm not sure how well I succeeded on my quest to make a non-Sue self-insert.
Do they both deserve a spork in the throat?
http://www.quotev.com/story/1820954/Doctor-Who-Short-Love-Stories/1/
This is by the infamous creator of the Weeping Angles fic and the Lituriture Adventures of Molly Smith (and that Narnia fic that Specs and Co. MSTd a couple months ago). This one could potentially be a co-op mission between several Agents, each one tackling a different short story (fairly certain all of them have wracked up killworthy charges in the chapter they feature in).
I just reported it because the first Sue's name is River Lilly. I'm offended for both my own penname and River Song's sake.
It would be interesting to see how arranging that would work out. Would it cut to agents in each story during the flow of others' stories? Would it show each story one after the other, each handled by a different team? Or perhaps the agents would team up on the first story, then realize that there was an entire infestation of Sues, and split up after a shared "Oh, CRAP". I like that last one, though it would run into a few problems as the Sue stories keep piling up. Hmm...
If this is something that's going to be done after I get Permission, I call killing the Sue that plants Avengers-universe technology into Jack Harkness and messes with his post-Torchwood continuity. Actually... (scans text) that Jack Harkness might be replaced, not just possessed. Do replaced!Harknesses keep the healing power, or is it a case-by-case basis? Because I don't know how people would go about killing a being with Jack Harkness's massive healing factor. Just... throw him into a sun, I guess.
Ok, you may want to claim that Avengers/Torchwood badfic before I do, because a) ouch, and b) Dawn would go insane. Er, more insane. I may have to check it out...
As to killing a Jack Harkness replacement--in the only instance I recall the PPC running into one, they ended up chaining him next to, to...Prometheus, I think. It was Tasmin and Emma who did it, as I recall...this may also be on CJH's wiki page. Not sure. But basically, in the one case that I've seen, replaced!Harknesses do keep the healing power.
On the other hand, if there aren't too many charges, why not recruit him? It could be interesting...
~DF
I rechecked the badfic (which was actually in the badfic set Lily Winterwood reported a few posts back), and it was the Sue that had the Avengers-verse technology implanted in her, not Captain Jack. Poor phrasing and an out-of-place POV shift made me misread the bit that the extracanonical technology was mentioned in. The Jack Harkness chapter was short, and in bright clashing colors, so I skimmed it instead of properly reading it. I don't think I missed a lot.
That's good, though, because nobody would be able to cut through the skin of replaced!Jack Harkness long enough to get anything out, and having an "arch" reactor (which I imagine would be an arc reactor in the shape of the Gateway Arch) would be especially useful. I can't think of anything good to use it for right now, though, which is strange because possessing massive amounts of free electricity would usually promote lots of ideas.
I couldn't find the mission you mentioned where the first replaced!Jack was encountered, but I'll take your word for it that his replacements would keep the healing factor. If this fic's copy ends up recruited, which he might easily be since he doesn't seem to have any traits, malicious or otherwise, he could make an interesting ESAS agent once he develops a personality. Who better to take down god-mode Sues than a man who is unable to die?
Here: http://ppc.timescale.nl/02torchwood.html
Also, I remembered wrong; they chained him next to Tantalos. What can I say, I need to brush up on my mythology.
~DF
It...was kind of annoying, but didn't really send me into a rage. I'm not surprised you misread it due to poor quality, though; the color changes didn't help either. The Sue was pretty ridiculous, though. And no, you didn't miss much.
True, true. Wait, what's the Gateway Arch? As to electricity...well, you could put a huge entertainment system in your RC, or set up a new department in HQ, or use it as an emergency back-up in case someone hijacks DoDAEG, or maybe DoSAT could do something with it...the ideas are limitless!
Really? Hm. I'll see if I can find you a link. And he would be rather perfect for ESAS, wouldn't he? I hadn't even thought that far, but you're absolutely right.
I wonder what kind of personality he'd develop...I think he'd be a bit more sappy than canon!Jack, since that seems to be most of his characterization in the chapter, but that's just about all I've got. (The Sue also took Ianto's role, which annoyed me. A lot. I don't like her. She basically shoved him to the side and made him into a cardboard cutout, after which she sapped away most of Jack's character. Not good at all.)
Also, see my response to Lily--I think Agent Jack will end up in my Blackout Interlude, once I know a bit more about what sort of personality he'd have. Because, really...this needs to happen.
~DF
It looks like this.
I'm not even sure what it's a monument to, but it's a pretty versatile arch shape, which is why I decided on it as opposed to a thicker, blocker arch shape like , which would be bulkier and not circulate energy as well. Wait, I just realized that I'm starting to go on about the electrical potential of various shapes. I'll stop now before I start postulating whether a triangle would be more or less efficient than a hexagon.
See, plenty of ideas! When I was typing up the post earlier, the only ideas that came into my sleep-deprived mind were probably the most mundane uses for a miniature arc reactor ever, and I was too embarrassed by them to post them, even now that it's several hours later. They were practically on the "superhero using his shrinking power to clean in hard-to-reach areas" level of mundane. Just why, brain? Where do you go when I want to ask you questions?
I mean, in my defense, I've lived most of my life in Canada and Israel respectively, but still.
Ooh, pretty. I like it. And yeah, it would work better as a reactor. (It also looks more like something Tony might design.)
Huh, that's actually rather interesting. I mean, it would probably lead to teasing (in the Avengers-verse, anyway) but it's a neat idea. Or...well, it's practical, anyway.
~DF
I couldn't help it. It just had to happen. I'm pretty sure it's not going in part 4--it looks more like part 5 to me--but it's happening.
And I'm about to write Agent Luxury for the first time. Oh dear...
~DF
No one will be safe!
...I would have been able to tell you that they're only in close proximity for a very brief time. However...that's just been changed.
Also? It's not just Jack Harkness and Luxury. It's Lux, Jack, and Jacques Bonnefoy--a former Jack Harkness replacement.
Tremble all ye masses...
~DF
My Agents would go into the first one to realise this sue regenerates in Urple or something. I dunno.
DawnFire has a sizable amount of Agents to bring in, and she said she's started writing for at least one of the chapters already. Maybe her team and yours would be assigned to the same badfic by the Sunflower Official, and they don't think the Sue merits the team-up until they kill it and it regenerates and switches to the next chapter. Then, they'd split up and try to deal with the Sue's regenerations individually for a while, before meeting back up at the end for disposal. Divide-and-conquer, kind of thing.
I was thinking of getting involved as well, but the whole no-Permission-and-I-keep-not-finishing-writing-my-Permission-piece-what-is-wrong-with-me thing is going to keep me from doing that unless working on this mission doesn't start for a while. I had already been planning on a good way to dispose of the Sue Lord involving the wonky temporal rules of the Timecop continuum, but I suppose it would be just as removed by throwing it into the Eye of Harmony or something if I end up not being able to help out.
I see the misunderstanding.
While I wouldn't mind cowriting part of this, I actually meant that I wrote a scene for my Blackout Interlude where Agent Jack of ESAS makes an appearance. The mission's still yours, although if you want me to cowrite, I'd probably be willing. Possibly. I'm not sure.
(sizable number of agents. Yes, I suppose I do. They keep on growing, too. I should probably count them out at some point...)
But yeah. So that's what's going on.
...I do rather like Agent Jack, though. He amuses me. And I wrote Luxury for the first time, and I think it came out ok...
~DF
That way you have control over Jack's recruitment, and my Agents can see the fulfillment of their Very Bad Idea. :'D
Can my agents (whoever they may be) sort of stumble in at some point and then stumble out again with their new recruit? They could be there for two or three chapters...or they could be there for the whole thing, I suppose. What do you think?
(This Very Bad Idea is the Sue Lord thing, right?)
Now, who would get this mission? Your agents in this case are Eledhwen and Christianne, right?
Out of my agents...I'm pretty sure Brenda and Charlie don't actually know very much about DW/TW. Edgar does, as does Dawn. Edgar's partner probably doesn't, though.
So...ok, I can't bear to skim through the entire badfic right now. Is it at all a crossover? Because if it is, I'm sending Edgar and Agen____t on this mission. Actually, I might send them anyway--it could always be a misfiled mission. I'm pretty sure I don't have anyone else this would work out well for...except Brenda and Charlie, who don't know the canon. Maybe DW/TW could count as a crossover...?
Yay co-writing! This is going to be fun...
~DF
I skimmed through the chapters. The majority are Sues going around on basically the same plotline, hence the Sue Lord idea (yes that's the Very Bad Idea). The Sues claim to be different races - Time Lord, Human, half-and-half - but Suvian Regeneration would probably make the Sue Lord, once killed by my Agents, disappear in a flash of urple light and reappear again in the next chapter. Or something.
There's one Gary Stu, and one crossover Sue with the girl getting the "arch reactor" in her chest. You could send your Agents in at that point, stick it out with mine until the end, and then make off with replacement Jack.
What would happen regarding the Gary Stu? Would he be one of the Sue Lord's regenerations, or a second Suvian character entirely? Because if he's not part of the regeneration cycle, what would happen to him in-between chapters? Nah, he's probably just one of the regenerations. It makes more sense that way.
I've been working on a vaguely formatted fic-dimensional idea that says that basically, if an individual Sue is killed, but her influence isn't expunged yet, the badfic defaults to the next state it's in when the Sue is not present, retaining the damage until it can be removed.
Expanding on that with insertion of the Sue Lord idea, the PPC would have accidentally contributed to Suvian natural selection by hunting down and killing the most obvious ones. In most cases, such as in the Pit, this results in slyer and/or less readily obvious Sues, but in undisturbed areas like the Circle, the native Sues use the badfic's shift to points in time where an individual Suvian presence no longer exists to regrow into new forms, not part of the same presence but working for its goals, to be capable of surviving to warp the canon for a longer period of time. Thus, the Sue Lord is created, through time-space distortion and Suvian stubbornness. When a Sue of this breed is captured, killed, or otherwise removed from the events of her story, the massive glitter index would force the creation of a new Sue from the warped Word World, or the corpse of the first if it was available.
Where Time Lord regeneration compounds the memories and experiences of a Time Lord with the new personality to provide new and improved experiences in the future, the Suvian Regeneration would take the parasitic tendencies of Sues to their logical extreme, as the future Suvian incarnations actually feed on the glittery bodies or canonical shambles of their past selves to rebuild another Sue to continue where the last left off.
This is where my Timecop idea would have come in. Since you seem to have planned to write this with DawnFire alone, I suppose I'd have nothing to lose by at least saying my idea here.
In the Timecop continuum, due to wonky time principles and the screenwriters not really knowing how to write a time travel movie, the "you're not allowed to interact with future or alternate versions of yourself" principle that time travel media enjoy is taken to a titanic extreme. When a past self makes physical contact with a future self within the Timecop continuum, both versions melt together in a slimy pile of ooze, which slowly shrinks as the time-displaced matter cancels itself out, and anything that the past self would have done from that point until it becomes its future self is removed from space-time. It's really weird, but that's what the movie claims, and that volatile time-reaction is eventually used to defeat a central antagonist.
I was thinking that if most of the Sue Lord's forms are captured rather than killed, they could be brought out of the continuum and executed in Timecop's, which would not only make for easy cleanup as they delete each other, but it would also make for a semi-poetic death when the Sues that mess with Time and Time Lords are killed by another type of messed-up time paradigm. You'd need to remove the "arch" reactor from the chest of the Torchwood Sue before this happens and somehow keep Jacques Bonnifoy(I like his new name, too) from being removed by reassertion of the timeline, but I think it'd be a pretty decent method of disposal at least, and as for keeping Jacques alive, well, PPC Agents are usually quite good at improvisation.
You could join our collaboration if you want. It'd be good mission writing practice.
I actually like that idea, and we could just portal Jacques away before sending the Sue to Timecop.
Love the Timecop idea (although I think some of the agents may be unable to resist killing the Sues naturally several times--also, how else are they to figure out that she regenerates?--but after that, your agent(s) could mention the Timecop idea, which is then jumped upon :) ). And, like Lily said, Jacques can just be portalled into HQ first--possibly into the Marquis' office, to be joined shortly by several agents. (Of course, since this is a Jack Harkness replacement we're dealing with, those agents arrive to find him flirting, or attempting to flirt, with the Marquis. If it seems to be working, the agents are probably kind of scarred by this.)
Actually, let me rephrase: the Timecop idea sounds *awesome*, Outhra. Join us, won't you? It'll be so much fun...
~DF
Well, in order to find out that it is a Sue Lord, I think it would be charged and killed as normal at least once, and the agents wouldn't realize what they were dealing with until after its corpse flashes urple, a new Sue grows out of it, and they're tossed into the next chapter.
Lots of "what just happened"s would be said, and it might take another charging and killing before they're fully aware of what it is. Then somebody would start thinking about Timecop.
Would I be able to use the Floaters I'd been planning on writing for my main mission series in this, or would I need to write (a) new character(s) to use since I'm going to be writing up their bios when asking for my Permission?
I can just see the Jacques-tries-to-flirt-with-the-Marquis scene now. If the Marquis had a face, it probably would make him grimace in irritation at being propositioned by a mammal.
Mister formerly-Harkness, if you are going to insist on engaging in this unsolicited behavior, please put it to use distracting my secretary. I am, in case you did not notice, incredibly busy.
It might be better to use one you're going to try to get Permission with, so you and the rest of us can get a handle on how they tick. Floaters are definitely okay for a mission of this sort, since it's got crossovers and slash and Sues.
Just intro us to your Agents in the email and we'll begin.
Currently, I'm on week two of that three-week period of time near the end of every semester when teachers pile on all of the assignments they didn't get to earlier. That's why I didn't ever finish that Quotev sporking I said I'd finish the next day during sometime last week.
But I'll compile the agent introductions/profiles and send them to you and DawnFire as soon as I can. I don't want to be holding this project back or anything with my current lack of free time.
Because you are. First Timecop, now this? Wonderful :)
I kind of feel like Edgar or Agen____t might not believe this whole regenerating Sue thing and kill the first one they see. Could be interesting...
That scene is perfect, by the way. ...Who's the secretary? I can't remember...
~DF
I mean, awful, but wonderful for mission purposes.
Ok, sounds good. Edgar and Agen____t will come in at the 'arch reactor' point, stick it out until the end, and then make off with replacement!Jack, like you said :) Should be fun! And replacement!Jack could probably help out at some point...and therefore ensure his placement in ESAS (or at least foreshadow it)...
~DF
We could probaly continue the discussion there.
dawnfire360@gmail.com
Talk to you soon!
~DF
We had suggested that maybe Jack was there in the mayhem as well. The real Jack, that is - although if the Doctor ran into this potential Agent Jack, there could be some hilarious confusion going down.
There'd also be an HQ-wide petition to put a restraining order between him and Luxury.
...as you'll find out once I finish writing part 4 and post it.
Also, ok, I'm writing this. I don't care who does the mission, or how you recruit him; the mission has happened in the past, and Agent Jack is from ESAS and gets involved somehow. I don't know how yet, and I don't care: it's happening.
Also, forget him and Luxury, what about him and himself? I'm sensing chaos in the offing...
Although, how differently than the real Jack would he act? I mean, if he's a replacement, then...well, what's changed and what stays the same? And does he still have the coat?
So many questions...
~DF
If HQ's collapse can bring in a character replacement and an author avatar from a year in the past, why couldn't it bring in a character replacement from a few months in the future? That, and the idea of agent!Jack encountering canon!Jack is great. Maybe canon!Jack was never involved at all, and agent!Jack tells him about the Doctor in HQ... but how would agent!Jack get to the Whoniverse and back? Hmm. Possibilities.
Agent!Jack should probably be renamed. Not only because of the fact that canon!Jack knows about the PPC or because of the filing confusion that it would cause dealing with an Agent Jack Harkness, but because if we're comparing the two Harknesses, I don't think people want to use more exclamation points than necessary. And yes, I think agent!Jack would keep his coat. It is a cool coat. It is also black, which means it could double as his uniform if he attached the ESAS flash patch to it.
Then again, the first Interlude featured the Doctor. I suppose it's to be expected.
Well, from what I have written, they're definitely both in HQ. (Although, 'how would agent!Jack get to the Whoniverse and back?' Portals, my friend. Once they're restabilized, that is. Or I suppose he could hitch a ride in a TARDIS, but that's a bit trickier to arrange.) They haven't encountered each other yet, but...it'll have to happen at some point, won't it?
I think you're right, he should be renamed. 'Captain Jack Harkness' is a pseudonym anyway; I don't think this character replacement would mind switching it too much. Canon!Jack probably only kept it for ease of filing and so that the Doctor could find him more easily. (Mostly, anyway). And yeah, I can see that confusion...
"Says here we're going on a mission with an Agent Jack Harkness from ESAS."
*partner chokes* "Agent *what*?"
"...Jack Harkness?"
*partner stares* "Jack Harkness works for the PPC? *Captain Jack Harkness*? Since when?"
And, scene! Although, actually, that didn't really turn out to be filing confusion, more like agent confusion. Would he have a partner, I wonder? Anyway, yeah, his name probably should be changed. Although now we face the question...to what?
Somehow, I ended up writing him as wearing 'a black uniform with the flashpatch of a star above a waterlily on the shoulders' (ie, a black uniform, possibly military, with the ESAS flashpatch on both shoulders). Not sure if the coat's there or not.
...wait...actually, I think he would have been recruited wearing what he's wearing in that picture, *including* the coat. Therefore he has a coat; he's just decided to wear a black uniform to fit in at the PPC! The coat is just back in his RC.
(But it's not a black coat--it's navy blue. Just for accuracy...)
(It is most definitely a cool coat, though.)
What on earth would his new name be, though? I don't even know where to start! Any ideas?
~DF
I imagine something with Boe or Boeshane needs to be involved in the name somehow. Boniface? Bonnefoy?
I think Bonnefoy would be funny because France in Hetalia is called Francis Bonnefois, and he's pretty much Jack Harkness, but French.
Mainly because it strikes me as funny too.
Also Bonnefoy=good faith (as opposed to Malfoy...) I also spent quite a few years learning French, so I like French :) (And France in Hetalia amuses me).
I think we might need a first name, though...otherwise he'd probably end up being nicknamed 'Bonnie'. Well, someone'll probably do that now anyway, but still. (Also, this is probably going to lead to a running gag of 'You're not French!'
'No, I'm not.'
'I mean, you sound American!'
'...not American either...'
'But your name's French!'
'So's Draco Malfoy's.'
'But you really don't sound French! You don't even act French!'
'Look, how about we just take down this Sue, and then I can show you some techniques I learned in the unfortunately brief time I spent in France?'
'...'
'...'
'...are you the love-child of Francis Bonnefois and Agent Luxury?'
'No, I'm a character replacement of Captain Jack Harkness. Now, I believe we have a mission? Or possibly some more discussion of French behavior?')
Ok, that went on for a while...
So we've got ____ Bonnefoy. Or ____ Bonfoy...no, I don't like that spelling much. It doesn't work, and looks like Bombay.
So. Ideas for a first name?
~DF
For added Frenchness, how about Jacques Bonnefoy?
I like it! (And now, of course, the jokes will include Jacques vs Jack...oh dear. This should be interesting...)
I love this! It's going to be so much fun...
World, meet Jacques Bonnefoy, formerly a replacement of Captain Jack Harkness. No, he's not actually French. No, you don't want to pester him about it unless you feel like being propositioned...
(That's totally why he didn't protest, isn't it?)
~DF
I just had the mental image of Agent Jacques going around asking people "voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?"
We're going to have to make sure he and Luxury never meet for extended periods of time.
...that may be the most hilarious mental image ever.
He's the male version of Luxury, isn't he? To some extent, at least?
Speaking of Lux, I get the feeling they get along pretty well. At least, they certainly seemed to in the brief meeting that I wrote...
~DF
The TCDA agents and Nikki and Sergio were found because they are temporal spatial anomalies within the PPC. Agent Jack would've been found out.
Alternatively, the Doctor could,be been confused by his presence and simply chosen not to contact him, partly because Jack is from his continuum, and partly because... Well, Jack's connected to his former lives,and would probably open old wounds that he doesn't want to discuss.
That I can understand. That is, I don't think the Doctor would willingly seek Jack out if he didn't have to (redundant? Not sure). For the rest...
When does the Doctor do this scan, or whatever he uses to pick up the anomalies? I think I'll try to set most of my Interlude after that, if possible, because Jack (both of him) isn't the only anomaly in HQ...
Unless it's just the Doctor sensing it, in which case we'll have to handwave it as...well, spoilers. Bother. Maybe one of the extra anomalies gets a message from the Doctor, but doesn't respond? Can that fit in?
I think I need to write faster. This whole 'can't spoil a plot point' thing is getting annoying.
~DF
I had the thought that he scanned using the sonic screwdriver. It can scan for lifeforms, so it can probably scan for temporal-spatial anomalies to contact. He then modified a RA to contact those temporal-spatial anomalies.
In the message, there were 2 RCs contacted, but I can always go back and add a third if you want, as long as you give me the number.
(I really need to reread your interlude).
Hm, classic Doctor. (I can just see him building in that option for the sonic screwdriver...)
RCs, huh? Well, that...actually works out perfectly, surprisingly enough. Just to clarify, the Doctor found the anomalies and then found out where their RCs were? Or did he just send a message to wherever they'd been located? I do hope it's the former...as I said, it really would work out perfectly!
(I shall give you the RC number as soon as I decide what it is. Currently, I don't have a clue.)
~DF
I'm not one for technical stuff, but I imagine he scanned for anomalies, found their approximate coordinates with the Remote Activator, and then modified said portal thingy to send messages to the location. It just so happens that the TCDA Agents and Nikki and Sergio were in their proper RCs (or at least the TCDA Agents were in their prime counterpart's RC).
Barring that, even if they were in a different RC, the Doctor would probably have sent the message to the nearest console.
Since the portal generator that the RA accesses is, according to the wiki, able to home in on specific characters whether or not they're in a canon setting, all the Doctor would need to do would be to scan for them and input their biodata from the sonic screwdriver into the RA, and modify it so that it still contacts the location, but make the function that opens holes in space-time disabled. Then, the message would be able to reach them regardless of their location by the point in HQ where they were when the message was sent.
The consoles would probably pick up the message because they're tuned into the RA's frequency anyway, but instead of portal commands, it would be text.
(I just got an idea that the text display might not have been based on the console contact function, but was instead a version of the console's "Error: non-accessible setting" message hacked by the Doctor to contain his "attention all anomalies" message. It's silly, though, because accessing console communication would be easier and require less hoops of disbelief suspension to jump through.)
It's possible that the Doctor might not even have wanted to send a message to the other displaced canons at all, for various reasons, and Agent Jack might look close enough to canon!Jack Harkness on the scan for the Doctor to just think "Captain Jack's here, too? And who's this Rumbleroar person with him?" and drop the thought to send Eleanor and Christelle and Sergio and Nikki their messages.
Then again, if the Doctor sending a message to the RC of the Agent Jack works out as perfectly as DawnFire says it does, maybe that last paragraph I said can just be discarded in favor of a better story. Not much about the Doctor's methods when in HQ are set any further than they was in the first interlude yet, so there's still room to put new details in the more fluid bits.
He's in the hallways being chased by Slorp, after all. In the interlude, the message is from "UNKNOWN [ERROR: INVALID CONSOLE IP]", which means the post system might've picked up that the IP of the RA isn't that of a console's.
Aside from that, your explanation is basically what I'm going for.
Most of the hacking he'd do would be to make it so that the RA sends text and not a plothole trigger. No console needed, so long as he knows what he's doing within the network, and who am I kidding if I'm saying he wouldn't? He's the Doctor. He could probably hack into a communication network with what he found in an office supply closet. Just wave the sonic screwdriver over the contents and bam! Now this discarded fork is a hyperspace tuning module! This stack of pens is a signal magnification array! So on and so forth.
I want to see that. Possibly in a parody, so it can go really overboard, but it would be awesome no matter what.
'You wanted a sonic fork, right? No? How about a spoon? Or, oh, I know! Here, have a sonic spork! You people like sporks, right?'
...why does that sound like Eleven to me? I don't think it was meant to be him...oh well.
~DF
...except that I'm not actually talking about Jack. Or Jacques now, I suppose.
I mean, it's him as well, but. Well. He can just duck into whatever RC's nearest (and confuse the agents inside for good measure AH I know what's going on now! Wonderful!) However...the other anomal(ies) I was talking about...well, they're not in their RC. Only, someone else is, and it would be hilarious for that person to get the message and be really confused. Although, I suppose they could end up in their RC for a short time, and then leave just after the Doctor's scanned for anomalies and a minute or so before the message arrives...yes, that could work. Not sure what the Doctor would do with two Jacks, though (nope! Bad brain. I'm pulling you back up here right now. Just because you were writing dialogue for Jacques doesn't mean you have to stay in his mind). Maybe he could just assume it's something about HQ's architecture that's making him scan double? Or maybe he has a line about 'what mess are you in now, Jack?' because he thinks Jack's traveled back in time so as to be in two places in HQ at once...?
Hm. I guess this works out after all.
~DF
Aside from that I think this could turn out quite well. I suggest you write the bit with the Doctor doing the scans and sending the message, since I didn't cover it.
Although I suppose I could just put it in an email, if you don't mind having a plot twist revealed. I might also share the Jacques scene I wrote, since we're both coming up with his character and name and suchlike...
Oh, you didn't cover it? In which case, yes, I think I'll do that. And I can definitely arrange for them to be in their RC...it might suspend disbelief a little bit, but...I can arrange it. Alternatively, it could work out quite well, and without too much suspension of disbelief! I like it.
And I think that if you don't mind being minorly spoiled, I will share the plot point in an email. It would make the conversation a lot more doable...
~DF
I don't mind spoilers overmuch. :3
I thought at first it could be an agent team going in only yo get thrown into the next story/chapter, and the next, and the next. Then I thought what if all the stories were happening at the same time so all these different agents assigned to the Sues go into the same fic...
And then I thought of the Sue Lord idea that was bandied in one of my missions, and wondered if all these girls (and one guy) could all just be the same Suvian presence, in different regenerations. The first time the agents kill her, she regenerates into the next one and travels to wherever the next chapter needs her to be. And we may need backup to kill then Sue Lord and her Jack Harkness replacement.
Do the two fanfics I mentioned (Mental Colt and my own Midnight Green) need to be sporked?
If nobody asnwered, is probably because nobody read them yet.
I, for example, am not knowledgeable with the fandom, and so I simply can't give an opinion.
I'm just not overfond of not getting responses to what I say.
People on the PPC Board will reply to what they want to reply to, when they want to reply and have something to say. Heavens, can you imagine if we all replied to everything as soon as we saw it? 55 Boarders all commenting on every single comment? I think we'd bring the ceiling down.
So no, sometimes no-one will reply to you immediately - or even at all. Other times, people will reply with something tangentially related. Other times, you'll get heaps of on-topic responses. That's pretty much how it works.
But people have seen that you've posted. Many of us have probably taken a look at the text of your post. If someone finds it interesting, they'll reply.
hS
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2182597/1/Watchwoman-of-the-Light
So apparently Will's not the last of the Old Ones after all, and doesn't even have the decency to be surprised about it, there's a copy of the book of Gramarye, and it's set in modern times despite Will being something like fourteen or fifteen. Not to mention that the Suethor basically took the first few chapters of TDiR, summarized them and made a few changes. It angers me!
And they're summarizing because they didn't get all of the mythology bits, I'm sure. Some of that's pretty much direct (horrible) paraphrase, and even though the SPAG is acceptable, the pacing and diction is most definitely not.
... Stop trying to drag me back into sporkdom, Alia, it won't work! (Not that I wouldn't rather do that than write a paper, but...)
I just read Susan Cooper's book Seaward today, which was absolutely marvelous and beautiful, so I have yet more appreciation for her writing, and, proportionally, an even greater hate for those that would do it wrong.
I didn't intend to, but perhaps I shall. Procrastination is fun!
Until I finish my thesis. Then I can procrastinate all I want.
Are there any opinions on the two fics I linked?
And she got aaaaallll the Council lines right, and even made some sensible comments....
And then SHE started talking. GAH!
http://www.quotev.com/story/2587108/Living-Dead-A-Legolas-Love-story/1/
Fandom: Lord of the Rings
Characters to kill: Alicia Divin and her boyfriend Sean Wrede.
Why they need killing: Hoo boy. Alicia's a tenth walker who died in a car crash on Earth and gets the power of reincarnation and transported to Middle-earth. She beats Legolas at hand to hand combat while in a dress, makes Middle-earthian characters use modern slang (complete with usage of "u" in place of "you"), portrays Boromir as the Designated Misogynistic Bastard, portrays Pippin as more or less a hyperactive six-year-old, and has an Extra Ring of Sueness that apparently was created by Sauron's wife and given to their kid.
Yeah.
Sauron has a wife and kid. Who'd've thunk? Oh, and guess who Sauron's kid is. Yeah. Yeeeeeeeah.
This sounds just like a fic that Jay and Acacia would have tackled back in the day. A tenth walker with an extra Ring, questionable parentage, and "A Legolas Love story"? I don't think we have to guess if she's a Sue! The Misogynist!Boromir and modern slang in Middle Earth is just icing on the radioactive waste cake.
The Hobbit- Through the Eyes of a Woman
Fandom: An Unexpected Suething
Characters to kill: Non Mela/Cutsey Saynt/Poison Love
Why they need killing: She's the last of the Raxacoricophallapatorians Thraxiluren from the planet of Ooh Speshul, she has in-text author's notes in different colours, and she knows details from the bookverse canon yet still chooses to write this tripe.
The Black Child of Mordor
Fandom: /sobbing in a corner
Characters to kill: Selena and her brother Elfor
Why they need killing: Would Legolas honestly fall in love with someone working for the Enemy, no matter how blackmailed? Seriously? Would the Enemy even bother doing something as convoluted as capture a brother-sister pair, keep one of them captive, and force the other to do the dirty work like assassinate the Fellowship - which, by the way, I thought they had orcs and Ringwraiths for.
Sauron's Daughter; Aragorn's Sister
Fandom: MAKE IT STOP
Characters to kill: Aedai (they never stop coming up with dumb names do they?)
Why they need killing: Look at the title.
Sauron's Son
Fandom: I BEG YOU
Characters to kill: Eärendur
Why they need killing: Look, a Stu who's Sauron's kid but joins the Fellowship and everyone trusts him despite being, yaknow, the son of SAURON.
The Second Ruling Ring
Fandom: GIVE ME BLEEPRIN
Characters to kill: Sileveth
Why they need killing: SHE HAS A RING OF SPESHUL THAT'S AS POWERFUL AS THE ONE RING. She makes the characters talk in different colours. There's a random youtube video in the beginning of the first chapter. Oh Glaurunging hell what has the world come to?
ѕαυroɴ'ѕ ɴeхт тαrɢeт
Fandom: MY MIND IS MELTING
Characters to kill: Anneliese Simarillion aka Aistaraina aka (in the summary) Anneliese Felagund. I expect Huinesoron to be all over this one.
Why they need killing: Completely plagiarising the first chapter from the prologue of the films, having a stupid name, using Grelvish (pretty sure the stuff they're saying in there isn't elvish in any case) with *asterisk translations*, and playing with Legolas and Boromir's, er... affections. She also has a sequel to grab more charges from.
And now, for the fic you've all been waiting for:
The Official Unofficial Fanfiction Academy
Fandom: Every fandom (practically)
Why this is so very, very wrong: Okay, so this is probably the first mention of a Mary Sue outside 221Bagel and ThatOne's parody works, and it's in a blatant rip-off of Miss Cam. Why am I not surprised?
As you can tell by the title, the entire story is a bloody paradox. Admittedly the prose isn't as horrendous as some of the others, but it's not exactly OFU-calibre. So... you've got a less than stellar story... about trying to teach people how to write stellar stories.
Like I said, paradox. I wonder if it's within the PPC's jurisdiction.
... reveals that 'TOUFA' has (oh dear Valar) twelve chapters on a different website. Interestingly, on that website she starts off by saying:
*Inspired by You've Got Fan Mail and The Official Fanfiction University Of Middle-earth. But only inspired, not copied.*
Whereas in her comments on the version you linked, we have:
I don't think I'm familiar with the name [Miss Cam], no. I read a fanfiction called You've Got Fanmail which gave me the inspiration.
Er... really? Oh, I see the longer version also features top-of-the-page author's notes starring such characters as prancing Lord Voldemort (beg pardon, 'Voldy')... which, yes, are pretty common. But not usually on stories designed to teach respect for canon.
... wait.
...
...
...
... okay.
Chapter Four, ie the next chapter after the ones on Quotev, includes what I sense to be her main plot: all the canon characters have a group bet as to who can get the main character ('Rory', which is totally different to her username 'Tori') to lust after him first.
Um.
Right.
Okay, then!
hS
I wonder if it would be a bit too meta to write an OFU about writing OFUs. Would that be like a teacher accreditation programme, I wonder?
That's not the first hypocritical OFU I've read. Star Trek Academy is its name. The "best" lines:
"OMYGODQITSREALLYYOUICANTBELIEVEITCANIHAVEYOURAUTHOGRAPHANDCANWEVISITTHEQCONTINUUMSOMETIMEBECAUSE"
Suddenly, SuperSanne's mouth disappeared, leaving her with only two eyes and a nose." (Only two eyes? He should have left her three! Also, CAPSLOCKWITHNOSPACES.)
"Q sweatdropped animestyle, but suddenly remembered why he was visiting the Star Trek obsessed teenager again." (Last I checked, Star Trek wasn't an anime continuum. Also, Q wouldn't sweatdrop even if he was in anime.)
"SuperSanne's entire bedroom was filled with posters, figurines, DVD's and even a Star Trek Voyager computer mouse (A/N: yes, I actually have one of those!)." (In text author's note? Really?)
And that was just the first chapter.
Both were written after IAHF, and one actually plagiarised the opening chapter of IAHF.
That must suck. What happened? Did they get reported?
The other one may still be around; it's called the Hetalia Writing Academy.
Feanor poured the shards of the Silmarils into his blood. This, of course, meant that the shards of the Silmarils would remain in his bloodline forever and that all the shards would come together in the blood of his last descendant (who, of course, is the super speshul Mary Sue). If Sauron drained the blood from her body he'd get the Silmarils, which only she can bind together. The Silmarils can be used to bring back Morgoth.
There's also Dragon Riders, elves riding Cold Drakes. Mary Sue is "of Dragon Rider descent" too. She even has a necklace that makes her their leader. Theodred gave her a necklace that contained the only Silmaril not in her blood. Guess what else?
Mary Sue is the daughter of Finrod Felagund, whose canonical death in Tol-in-Gaurhoth was just a rumor. He's been living in Middle-earth all this time. Her mother is Amarie, Finrod's canon beloved. Obviously Tolkien didn't know what he was talking about, because she came to Middle-earth and died near Bree, 15 years after giving birth. Mary Sue then wandered off to roam Middle-earth.
The sequel is even worse. Mary Sue's mother was a vampire and Middle-earth is apparently home to Chimeras, who just so happen to hate vampires. Also, she's apparently Queen of the Noldor and Valinor. She gets a letter from her aunt in Valinor, flies off on the back of her Cold Drake, and finds out that her aunt is marrying her off.
Sense this series makes not.
I need Bleeprin.
What the - no, just, no. Does this mean that Finrod is supposed to be a descendant of his uncle? That family tree is way the heck to complicated already, what with the changes in HoME and all. And the bit with the "shards of the Silmarils"? Gah.
As for the rest - what hS said. That was awesome. I also agree with DawnFire about dragging Dafydd kicking and screaming out of retirement for this one. (Except he's got his kids now. Hmmm.)
I...there are no words. I just--none. No words. None at all.
Silmarils>/i>? In--in--??!?
And I thought the Avengers badfic I found was bad! But no, now I realize it's just full of stupid and bad English! This on the other hand...
Nope. Still haven't found the words.
~DF
At least it was just the shards of the Silmarils ... although where Feanor got those shards from before his death-by-Balrog is another question, because I'm positive that none of them were destroyed in canon. One sails the skies on Earendil's boat, one was thrown into a crack in the earth, and one was thrown into the sea. When Feanor died, Morgoth still owned all three of them.
I don't understand. I don't understand it at all.
No, not understanding either. It's ok. I think we'd have to be really insane--or logic-impaired Suethors--to understand. Although, yeah, the entire *point* is that they weren't destroyed; Feanor wouldn't let them be destroyed, not even to save the Trees, and they were remarkably difficult to shatter in the first place. Also, one's a star, one's in a fiery chasm, and one's in the sea, like you said. And Morgoth wouldn't shatter them, either.
...I don't think I actually want to understand? I think?
Because, really, the more I think about it the more it puzzles me. And I think I'm going to stop myself here.
~DF
Since the canon three were never destroyed, she has chunks of something floating around in there, and if it really is one of the Jewels of the Trees, or whatever their Elven title is, we've got a real problem.
The more I think about it, the more likely it is that this would result in the creation of a Sue-forged fourth Silmaril, albeit one that's busted up and drifting in her blood. Great. Just what we needed. With all of the Extra Rings of Power in the Lord of the Rings badfic, a Suvian Silmaril was only a a matter of time.
If that's true, we're going to need to bring her back to HQ to get those removed. We can't destroy Silmaril shards in-canon; it's been forever since I read the Silmarillion, but I am almost certain that doing so would make Very Bad Things happen.
There's also a Suvian Silmaril in one of her necklaces.
I think that in canon, the Silmarils weren't supposed to be broken until after the end of Dagor Dagorath. Not sure about the Very Bad Things though, my copy of the book is somewhere at home.
Perhaps you can make the Children of Feanor being given a day pass to punish the Sue for crafting another potential source of conflicts. I'm not very sure about the canonness of that, though.
I just saw Lily's note that I expect Huinesoron to be all over this one.
And then I saw your summary of it.
WAIT.
NO.
WHAT.
Now LET IT BE KNOWN, thou who callest thyself Anneliese, who claimeth that Aistaraina be a name fit for Elda - and mark well, that be she Noldo, Sinda or darkest Avar, no true maid of the Quendi would sully her tongue with such a name - LET IT BE KNOWN that by thy misappropriation of the lore of the Elder Days - thy corruption of the light of the most holy and hallowed Silmarilli - yea, and most of all thy claiming of the bloodline of Finrod Lord of Caves, noblest of all the ancient Kings of the Eldar, who ruled with wisdom and nobility beyond not only thy grasp, but indeed thy feeble capacity to comprehend - LET IT BE KNOWN, thou who sulliest the very name of the Eldar, that thou hast brought upon thyself the wrath and the fury of all that thou hast defiled.
Well would it be for thee, thou who deservest no name besides that which has been given to you, the name of Mary-Sue, well would it be for thee if thou wert cast into the Everlasting Dark, there to be both plaything and prey to Morgoth the Bauglir, whose name is cursed forever. Yea, well would it be for thee - for if it be not so, and if thy foul spirit be siezed upon by those whom thou hast offended, thou shalt be thrust beyond even the Void, beyond any light of creation, and there, in the Void Between Universes, shalt thy screams echo forever.
Fear, thou Suvian. Fear the coming of the Eldar.
~Huinesoron
(I really, really, desperately wish I still had an Eldarin agent to hand...)
Considering his backstory and all...
And they are: Yes! Go hS! You said exactly what I was feeling and couldn't get at.
(Ok, so I found someone else's words. So sue me.)
Hm...make a new one up and inaugurate him/her with this fic? Or...bring Dafydd kicking and screaming out of retirement as the PPC begs him to take on one last mission...and then he gets angry enough to do it once he's seen it?
I don't even know. I've had to research Twilight today. Necessary for what I was (and still am) writing, but brain-breaking. And considering I'm looking at a wiki, that's saying something.
Thank you for the lovely rant :) I was grinning rather evilly throughout.
~DawnFire
Suedom, Chapter 24, about halfway down:
However, HQ was running out of recruits, and a few of the veteran agents were still gone. Huinesoron of the Department of Geographical Aberrations hadn't been seen in at least a week, real-time wise, and as Arda was still changing shape about as much as an amoeba, his mission wasn't going well.
If he was even able to carry out his mission at all.
And do you know who Agent Huinesoron is?
Do you know who he is?
In Elder Days beneath the light
Of Gold and Silver burning bright
Ere Ice was dared or kin were slain
Ere freed was Morgoth, Arda's Bane
His mother sailed her Swanship white
His father crafted jewels - but Night
Came over all that fairest land
And blood was spilled upon the sand.
Yet faithful followed Eagle's Shade
To truer lord than Spirit's Flame
And when the ships they stole and burned
He followed Finrod Felagund.
O! Nargothrond! O, gleaming caves!
Your artists skilled, your warriors brave
Your sages wise - all brought to wrack
And ruin 'neath flames of Bragollach.
A few short years the city stood
Hidden from Orcs of hills and wood
But Eagle's Shade had taken flight
Slain in the Sudden-Burning night.
I think this one needs a Nargothronder, don't you? (Although Dafydd might pop in unofficially to scream at her about the Silmarilli)
hS
Yes, a Nargothronder would be great, and so would Dafydd screaming at her about the Silmarilli.
(Come to think about it, I once found a character replacement of Feanor I'm thinking of recruiting - in the distant future, when I have Permission, of course. I think he'd have something to say about this abuse of his shinies, as well...)
...makes me grin evilly in excitement?
Seriously.
...never stop, please, it's great.
Agent Huinesoron of DoGA! Once of Nargothrond! This is wonderful XD I'm so pleased you tracked him down.
(Please, please, please have Dafydd going on a rant about Silmarils. That would be so much fun. And so satisfying.)
Actually, this entire mission promises to be very satisfying. I mean, you saw how we were reduced to confusion and wordlessness. It needs to be slain, and by an Elf for preference.
Still grinning...
~DF
They can't put them in the canon anywhere, obviously, but if they're brought back to HQ, we could potentially have another Sairalindë situation on our hands. Plus, the blood-Silmaril is in pieces. Should it be reassembled? Could it?
Ah, Agent Huinesoron. And Dafydd showing up to shout about Simarils! I'm excited.
/nabs the Simaril before anyone notices
She uses the word 'Simarillion' pretty often...
Actually I'm imagining a Simaril as being a Treeslight-containing version of a plumbbob from The Sims... possibly if you hold it you end up talking in Simlish. Now that belongs in HQ.
hS
This fills me with joy.
...I may have been working on the Avengers OFU today. I may also have Thor stuck in my head for some reason (or maybe it's just Tumblr?) which, of course, is rather strange, since I didn't actually write him today.
Anyway, good luck!
~DF
Word to the wise: never go pit or circle diving without backup!
... That's not how DNA or bloodlines work... there is no actual transfer of blood... not paternally, at any rate...
Wait, why am I doing this again?
I didn't think it would be that bad...
Why are you doing that?
Then again, I'm not much better. I'm trying to figure out how the Oath of Feanor works in relation to that fic. It's not going well.
... Trying to make things make sense is an unfortunate habit of mine.
Handcuffs and Alibis
I just looked at the summary, but the Sue's name is Bryëton Sairalindë Ciryatan. That middle name is familiar... Let's just hope she doesn't have a ring, shall we?
Why does Thorin press-gang her into his Company via blackmail, only to order her to contribute nothing to the quest?
And why oh why is her horse named Riddick?
I'm busy for a few days, and this is what I come back to? Kill these fics. With extreme prejudice. They never learn, do they?
All of this gratituous progeny of Sauron reminds me of a series I recently read, which also has a son of Sauron in it. HOWEVER, the canon is pretty much left alone, said half-Maia is either off doing other things at the time or a witness to the events. (That said, there's a lot of explicit slash and violence, truly weird pairings and lots of OCs running around.)Here it is.(definitely NSFW)
You could even send your co-ordinators into it, rather than agents, since it's been implied in a few OFUs that most co-ordinators have PPC experience, and they'd be most likely to be outraged at the desecration of their work.
Maybe this is a terrible idea. I don't know. I just like the mental image I'm getting of all of these headmaster/headmistress-looking people portalling in and making puns about education as they blow the roof off of the Sueniveristy.
She trusts Miss Maria to run OFAS while she's gone.
Also, I like the word "Sueniversity".
He doesn't have all that much to do, anyway. OFUDisc is pretty small.
hS
(Can we do this? Okay, I mean, obviously the best-case is that gingerlee listens to 221Bagel's comments, but if she doesn't, can we do this? Pleeeeeease? ~hS)
"First off, I have a beta reader, and she's pretty awesome.
Secondly, the title is supposed to imply that the entire idea isn't supposed to be taken that seriously, because it's a comedic piece. And it's not JUST on quotev, like I said.
Thirdly, I wouldn't be writing about it if I didn't know what I was writing about.
And as for experiance, honey, I'm not sure you know who your dealing with or writing these comments for. I write this because I enjoy it and I've been on Quotev when it was quizzaz. I''ve been around the fanfiction block, so I know what the hell I'm writing about.
Now, I accept any criticism that anyone can give me, and I've used it to shape my writing which has been going on for many years now. Don't question my integrity or knowledge."
All I have to say is: what integrity? Considering that we've found her out on lotrfanfiction.net and all...
... her lotrfanfiction.net version pretty much has one reviewer over and over. No, Chuckles, it's /not/ that popular.
Any objections to my working up a OFU2: Chapter 0 and making a thread to see if we have any other volunteers (and to collect email addresses, and decide which of the three Sueniversitys mentioned we want to go with first...)?
hS
In the meantime I suggest we tackle one of the numerous Hetalia rip off OFUs out there. (/siiiiiiigh why oh WHY.)
I think that getting as many OFU Coordinators as possible involved would be awesome - and not just because I've got plans in that direction down the line myself; it just would be.
You mention here the notion of an OFU about OFUs - how about we combine the two ideas? We could have an episodic (one chapter/episode per Sueniversity) walk-through dissection of the Sueniversity (yeah, I like the word too) - basically like a PPC mission - by the Coordinators who sign up to do it, and claim the whole thing is being filmed for the, er, OFU2 Distance Learning Course.
Then at the end... well, there's a few options. Either we could leave the Sueniversity to its misery, symbolically give it a 'seal of disapproval', or (my favourite option) throw minis at it until it's a smoking pile of rubble.
I think this could work. Hey, don't you have two OFUs at this point? Are they both taking part?
Also, HEY OUT THERE, PPCERS! Any other current or former OFU writers willing to get involved in this? (Also also wik: given that I've just dashed out the above idea in thirty seconds, anyone have a better way to go about it?)
hS
...is the main character somewhat Sueish by virtue of the fact that she goes immensely against the norm and we haven't been given a reason for her being there yet? And, more importantly: are there no minis?
But yes. Definitely in. Something about this story bugs me. I think it's the occasional bad grammar, the canons being constantly amazed by Rory, and the lack of minis, which practically characterizes an OFU.
~DF
...she took one of my favorite songs. I'm in.
I mean, I'm in anyway, but I thought I'd better actually check out the fic in question. So now I'm definitely in.
Agent Dawn, Miss Nariel, or both of them would be happy to participate. Actually, Dawn probably has enough on her plate, especially since she's also an Assassin. Nariel, on the other hand, would probably like a break and a chance to see what the PPCing fuss is about, which actually fits perfectly into something that we have planned, so that's wonderful. Nariel volunteers. Or is being volunteered by me, I suppose. You'll have to ask Karen about whether her character would like to join or not, though.
And, why yes, Nariel is an Elf. Also an OFUM graduate, hence the elvenness. I'm sure she'd be just right for the job...or willing to try, at any rate...
PPCing/dissecting it sounds good. And there could always be an alternate ending...but I think it would probably be more satisfying (and more like the PPC) to throw minis at it until it's a smoking pile of rubble, like you said. If it helps...I have mini-Nick Furys. Give them enough firepower and, well...you've got yourself a smoking crater, actually. And with mini-Luggages and mini-Hounds/mini-whatever Hetalia's minis are in the mix...well. It won't stand a chance!
~DF
IAHF is a little occupied by an invading Sue force, but I think the Course Coordinators have escaped and are on the run. The Coordinators of MSFBA are up to the challenge as well.
I feel like such a fic intervention might help people realise just how much work goes into writing an OFU, and how there's an even higher expectation of quality for that sort of fic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8853080/1/Hetalia-Academy-for-Obsessed-Fan-Fiction-Writers-HAOFFW
You see, she claims to be a fan of IAHF... and then she writes that.
I just -
I cannot.
That is... Oh, the horrible, cruel irony of it all.
You think you've read the worst fanfic on the Circle of Lemmings? Search that tag again - you'll find one even worse.
I bring some samplings of the horrors of the LotR (and the DW) section on the Circle.
Stopwatch
Fandom: Doctor Who
Character to kill: Olivia Corey (and possibly her bit character besties).
Why they need killing: She's a bloody Time Lady with the most convoluted reason for existing. Oh, and she's the Doctor's bloody soulmate.
Show Me The Stars (why do many of these have to be labelled with "___ love story"? It's like a giant THIS FIC IS GOING TO SUCK sort of label...)
Fandom: Doctor Who
Character to kill: ~Princess~ Anahita Eldritch (I picked this fic to present because of that name, yes. Can you imagine her looking like Suethulu?) and all her bit players
Why they need killing: Dumb name, rebellious princess-ness, probably going to mess with Eleven and River's relationship to wedge herself in, stealing the Clockwork Droids thing as well as the Cybermen.
Nimrodel - Lord of the Rings the Fellowship of the Ringa
Fandom: LotR
Character to kill: Nimrodel
Why they need killing: Stealing Nimrodel's name, joining the Fellowship, screwing with Aragorn and Arwen's relationship, tossing everyone out of character, stupid amounts of POV shifts.
Last of the Angels
Fandom: LotR
Character to kill: France
Why they need killing: SHE'S THE LAST OF THE ANGELS, SHE CAN SEE THROUGH THE FUTURE, SHE MESSES WITH LINDIR AND LEGOLAS, AND HER NAME IS FRANCE. FRAAAAANCE. JE NE VEUX PAS.
You are my enemy! i can't love you
Fandom: Will this quest to Mount Suedom never end?
Character to kill: Asoon. I kid you not that's her name
Why they need killing: She's an "awaya", which is basically some sort of catgirl. She's the last of her kind (almost) because the Elves have hunted them into near extinction (wtf I thought Elves were friends to all living things except those that go after their shinies). She joins the Fellowship (I think all of these LotR Sues have) and pretends to hate Legolas even though everyone could have realised from the title (and the summary) that they're going to end up having species-confused children.
Second part with the second haul coming in (there's one in there that you lot really need to see. I mean, really.)
Lily, have you met Cthulu, the mini I accidentally created the other day? Here, you can have her/him/it to eat the Princess Anahita character.
I was doing some research on the Cthulhu Mythos the other day, and it turns out that Greater Eldritch is a term from another similar continuum that had gotten mixed into my Cthulhu Mythos knowledge somehow. The closest approximation in the Cthulhu Mythos would be the Outer Gods, who are way too powerful to be brought around in mini form. Nyarlathotep alone makes Discord look like a playground bully.
And I call myself a fan! (hangs head in shame)
Petition to change the mini type? I'd have to run it past Lilac Lielac, too, since she's planning putting Cthulu in some of her stories, but since it hasn't been featured and has only been described as yapping and possessing a tail-tentacle, its form should still be malleable.
I recommend Elder Things or Nightgaunts, with preference to Elder Things because they seem more thematically appropriate.
But my Lovecraft knowledge only covers four or five stories, so... yeah, I'd say go.
The mini is a mini-Nightgaunt. It is now official, as much as a race of minis that hasn't shown up can be.
Also, "AND HER NAME IS FRANCE. FRAAAAANCE. JE NE VEUX PAS." XD
This reporting of badfics sounds like oodles of fun!
Our collective sanities may snap at the deluge.
(Unless the Sue in question is extremely interesting in her Canon warping.)
More OOCness from Arwen. At least the canonicals' attitude towards each other doesn't seem to be affected, but the moment they turn to the Sue.... language goes out to lunch.
Elrond ADOPTS her? ARGH.
Why would Elrond hug anyone? Why would ANYONE in LotR that isn't a hobbit hug anyone?
ARWEN WOULD NEVER SQUEAL
LEGOLAS WOULD NEVER SAY "UM"
Okay... calm yourself, Iago...
Er... at this point, no one knows that Saruman is evil. Canon error!
Next chapter... already this hurts! X|
Resisting the Ring. Another charge. (why am I charging I am not an agent)
"Cute" is not a Westron word. No tienes razon. (Behold my gratuitous Spanish!)
Misspelling... grumble...
(read all the rest previously)
This needs to burn. In fire. That's ON fire. That's been drowning in lava for eight years. Said lava is ALSO on fire.
Don't ask how, never expect me to make any sense.
Seriously. The circle of lemmings is clearly the lowest common denominator... And that profile is horrible. Horrible, I say!
Sooner or later we're going to need people to specialize in sporking stuff from Quotev that has these horrible things like author and character bios and pictures.
Every time I find a badfic I think it's the worst thing I have ever seen, but then I find a fic that's even worse.
If I was the Doctor, the Circle would be the Daleks.
Did you notice that if you go to Circle of Lemmings, and you just click on "FanFiction," it's ALL RPF for One Direction and Justin Bieber?
Brb, my brain just ran away.
My sanity is fragile enough as it is without accidentally encountering boy band slash. (shudders)
...in my brief scan before I figured out how to get to more specific tags. No, it's all 'so-and-so meets my OC and there's a romance'.
I've also managed to find some idiocy where Jennifer Lawrence is Penny's cousin and ends up briefly living with Leonard (Big Bang Theory). That's trans-dimensional snatching, right? Falls under PPC jurisdiction? Because if so, I'm probably taking it. Or at least adding it to the Unclaimed Badfic list.
WhyisQuotevsobad. WhyisitnamedQuotevinthefirstplace. WhyamIwritinglikethis.
Ugh.
I'm going to go eat some chocolate and pretend it's Bleepolate now, ok? It may also help me get some sparklepire descriptors I was writing earlier out of my head.
Oh, yes, I was writing them. It's quite fun, except for the research and the fact that I'm writing about sparklepires. No big deal.
(Argh, my braiiiin...the Twilight wiki has eaten it...must have Twilight snark--must have Doctor Who episode--)
Ok, I've snapped out of it. I think I'll have that chocolate now.
Toodles!
~DF
I thought we knew that by now.
Seriously no one on the Circle seems to have ever heard of the term Mary Sue. Every time I think they've mangled Canon beyond belief, they find some new way to make me sick.
I should not have done. The beginning was a challenge. I said I knew it would be bad. I did not know how much. I made a mistake. I searched for Adventure Time fics. I should not have struck so close to my own heart. Not so soon. So much Marshall Lee. So many new and disgusting types of Mary Sue. So much misplaced punctuation. So much so much so much
my mind
IS GOING
I looked more. It was not all in one place. I searched IsearchedIsearched
and the end
WAS
BRILLIANT
in its devastation
All In One Place They Know They Must They Cannot Go Through So Much Not Knowing It Is A Plague It Is A Disease It Must Be It Cannot Not Be ITCANNOTitcannotITCANNOTitcannot
ThE cIrClE mUsT bE bRoKeN.... SO WE CAN SIIIIIIIIIIINNNGNGNNGNGNNNGNNGN........
Poor Outhra. *hugs* I, too, know the horrors of the Circle of Lemmings. Beware, and be sure to travel with Lemming Repellent if you feel you must go in. I last used Holy Musical B@man as LP...it worked, but I want through the first seven parts.
(I'm glad you got better, by the way. Also, you should definitely have an agent journal with writing like this; it would be amazing.)
~DF
And at last I realise why the Oods wanted the circle broken.
It was all different now. Still in pieces, but formed by rage, not madness.
All rage at the defiling of what I know. Rage kept in check by the knowledge that there was more like it.
All in one. A drop in the ocean of distortion and blindness shall not blind me when the ocean stands lapping at the shore.
Do not do not do not (slaps self) I refuse to regress!
I stand at the shore and knock. The ocean is not a window, but a door beyond which lies eternal. Eternal what?
Ack, no, stop it.
I'll be back.
(one null later)
There is a surprising amount of sanity that can be regained by listening to five musical genres at once through a thin sheen of chaos. My brain basically forgot about its error message to run around screaming "What is going on?" As it turns out, my brain had only gone into an error state from being assaulted on its less-defended sides by idiocy, and my mind can only freak out in in so many directions before deciding it was going out for the evening.
If it had been full-on insanity, I don't know what would have ended up happening. I probably would have gone berserk or something. Maybe I'm still crazy, and it'll show up when we least expect it. Maybe I was crazy all along. WHO KNOWS?
I stand by what I said, though. The Circle must be broken. I will help you find the worst of the Sues. They are all abominations and must be destroyed.
Oh, wow. I wrote all of that, like, half an hour ago. I'm going to keep all of that up there. The rambling nonsense at the beginning, the self-assured babble in the middle, and the bit at the end about the abominations. I guess there are some benefits to having dozens of tabs open at once after all. I may have just needed time away from the lemmings to readjust, or something. I'm even keeping the title, which I wrote at the very beginning, when I was obviously not better.
I'm agreeing with Crazy Past Me on one point, though: Sweet Eris, are those Sues fit to die.
I went back to one of those fics that drove me temporarily bonkers and started compiling a charge list for it. One of its most common charges: abuse of the exclamation mark. If Terry Pratchett said five exclamation marks was a sign of insanity, what would he say about sixteen?
Sixteen is just begging for the Goddess of Grammar to smite thee with her semicolon. Especially if the sentence is much shorter than the punctuation trail.
(Can I say I just really like your writing style based on that? You should have one of your Agents keep a journal in which all of this is recorded. It's glorious.)
I just searched up "Pokemon" and now I'm practically drowning in potential targets. This is like some kind of horrible fractal that never ends no matter how deep you go...
Welcome to the Circle. There is no escape.
... which is what we should do to fic from the circle, really.
I figure a lot of this stuff is probably well covered by DMS and department of WTF, but I'd still love to see the trials and tribulations of some agents who kept getting Circle of Lemmings fic. I think they'd be even less sane than the usual PPC agent.
I think I know who I'm going to subject to cave-in and accordion.
The sad part is that it looks like the author COULD write well, but then her character starts talking and it BUUUUURNS
And then I saw the address. Whoop dee doo.
I still don't get the whole character introduction thingy. Where would you even get that from? No medium I know does that. So it's not just "never read a book," but more like "never seen any fiction." Wat.
I THINK it's supposed to be like those opening pages in manga tankobon, where it tells you the current cast.
Still, not every manga does that, and they also do that because they only come out once in a while... on the other hand, without that introduction part, we couldn't probably tell who's who.
Take a look at the link: http://www.polyvore.com/prom/set?id=68153573. Apparently, this is Sue's prom dress. Now, I was expecting just a picture of a girl in a fancy dress, but...this...this.
Just, just look at it.
...they've become more creative? I guess?
*goes off for some quality headdesking time*
~DF
My computer just loaded the Circle of Lemmings for the very first time! Before this, it wouldn't work on either browser I use!
...wait, why am I happy again?
You have GOT to be kidding me. "I looked like this: [link]"? Oh dear. In fact, I'm going to see myself John Hart's 'oh dear', and raise me AVPM/S/SY Neville's 'oh d-d-d-dear'.
This...could be fun to take on...I mean, Charlie's LO is Pippin, and Boromir is among my favorite characters, and Sauron with a wife...well. Uh.
Yeah.
...also, what's with the title...?
(I don't wanna guess. Make it go away.)
~DF
Oh, by the way, my writing group has started using Circle of Lemmings for editing night so that we have to suffer through the worst possible editing experiences in order to form group editing solidarity and to keep us in perspective about editing each other's stuff.
Who'd have thunk?
I showed the circle to one of my real life friends: she nearly cried.
It's actually an interesting concept... the problem is that it reminds me altogether too much of Chivalry Reborn, a (in my opinion) Human-In-Equestira goodfic.
As in, "human turns out to be descended from superbeings, who'da thought." And CR does it well; and despite being an alicorn, the OC is NOT a sue. He doesn't have instant mastery of anything; I think I got about ten chapters in and he still hadn't done well in magic.
Telekinesis magic. Which I'm pretty sure is the most basic kind in MLP.
Why this same exact formula? It almost sounds like a typical romance novel.
FFN has aged somewhat away from the classic Sue clichés, because everyone and their mini has read all the parodies and know what clichés to avoid. AO3 is largely full of invite-only, more experienced authors who are less likely to make a travesty of their OCs.
And then you've got the Circle, which seems almost like a terrifying little pocket universe that gives us all a glimpse into what it must've looked like on FFN before Jay and Acacia started writing the TOS, before Miss Cam created OFUM, etc.
Just look at Twilight. I still dug through the Pit of Voles in search of goodfic when the fandom exploded and the badfic gave me nightmares.
Or at least, obscure to FFN. You know you're in a safe fandom when a character can be loved by almost every fan and not have any character/Sue fics at all.
Uuuuuhhh.........
I don't even have Lord of the Rings as one of my fandoms, and that knocked out my disbelief regulators almost immediately. Sweet Eris. I don't even want to click the link, in case it makes me vomit in real life.
Sauron didn't even make the Ring until what, halfway through the Second Age? He turned evil before the First Age even started but his forging the Ring was the last straw for his wife? By the time he forged the Ring, his kid's formative years were over!
Besides, if he had a family before he turned evil, then Sauron was shacking up with another Maiar. Barring Melian, have any of the Maiar ever had kids? Is it even possible for two Maiar to reproduce?
I get the feeling the author doesn't know anything much about the history of Middle-Earth.
I suddenly had the terrifying mental image of Sauron/Gandalf.
/jumps back into lake of Bleepka
It could be funny. Imagine a giant eyeball trying to have sex. It just doesn't work.
That sounds a lot like something that happened in "ITS MY LIFE!", also known as My ImPortal. SFW, oddly. (I don't think you have to ask if it's SFB.)
Couldn't resist. Although I certainly hope this fic doesn't have the power of voodoo.
I'm guessing it's a Portal fic? *sigh* I don't think I want to know...I mean, I can probably guess, anyway, so...
~DF
The Sue is a sister!Sue for Chell, and somehow manages to get pregnant with Wheatley's baby, despite Wheatley being a robot eyeball. It's a confirmed trollfic, though, so at least we know that the writer didn't make that scene thinking it was a good idea.
It's even better if you think about the Thoreau essay about observation, which is about being a floating transparent eyeball wandering about the world...
I imagine a lot of the observations would be of people fleeing from the giant eyeball that was hovering toward them. Since it's transparent, they wouldn't see it from far away, but once it was close up, they could see how the shapes of objects beyond are distorted through its round form, and there would be a panic. Rumors would spread, tales would be concocted, a local news team would be called out. Local kooks would blame aliens, the FBI, and foreigners, and the people would try and find it to see what weapon could bring it down from its hovering perch, while all the while the eye would sit there, among the multiplying chaos. Watching. Learning.
He was in his original form. But then he'd be inhumanly handsome (gee, remind you of anything) and thus he ate oranges and it was k.
Also, I'm a Disturbed1. Does anyone else think that Old Friend could be an anthem for the DMS?
Then they'd both be inhumanly handsome. I think.
Anyone know what forms they originally took? I know Sauron took on a "fair visage" when he called himself Annatar and I'm assuming he also had a fair visage when he was still a Maiar of Aulë.
That...actually manages to remind me of Gandalf. Well done, artist (whoever you may be!)
~DF
Maia!Gandalf has better hair than me. Jealous.
She.... humped and stormed away? Did she just pull a realdoll out of thin air? (why do I find this hilarious?)
"why da f*ck..." Censorship and slang. Bad author. No tienes razon.
ARGH WEIRD FONTS THEY BURN
RivenDELL, ya twit. Try again.
At least her reaction is reasonable. Points for that, I suppose.
Wait, WHY THE FRICK IS SHE AN ELF?
*facepalm* Noticed too late the language issues.... unless she's unconsciously speaking Westron. I've seen things like that before, they think they're speaking English, but they're actually speaking the language of their surroundings.
"What is Alicia?" Well, I'd say it's an incredibly blatant self-insert.
Arwen giggling. My accordion hates the OOCness. (I want my magic everything tool to be an accordion. I go for ridiculousness)
THE BAD GRAMMAR, IT ALSO BURNS
Instant weapon mastery. No tienes razon.
Bad Legolas-speech. NO. TIENES. RAZON.
ELVES WILL NEVER COUNTDOWN TO "GO," THAT'S TEEN TITANS YA NITBRAIN
Excuse me, I'm going to play my accordion to drown out this mess.
At least she was like me, and nice enough to ADMIT that her work is bad.
..... wait..... INTEXT WEBLINKS? Charge it!
.... that reminds me, I need to figure out my agent. Should I ever start doing this, that is...
