Re: Welcome! Here, take this iguana! It's free!

Subject: Re: Welcome! Here, take this iguana! It's free!
Author: Wandering Critic
Posted on: 2008-08-07 08:27:00 UTC

And taste like chicken!

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I come bearing badfic. I think. by Makari on 2008-08-06 19:26:00 UTC Reply

So, I'm new around here. Pretty obviously, I think. But I've been lurking around the PPC sites for a while, and I've finally given up the whole lurking thing. I mean, in the long run, it's not all that productive.

And besides. These ... er ... stories that I recently encountered need to be dealt with. I'm pretty certain they qualify as badfic, and what the one girl is doing to Jade... it makes me want to burn something.

So, fresh from the world of Auldrant come these two "gems".

karins past

and

Blind love

Both are located on FF-net - I believe I've heard it affectionately referred to as "the Pit of Voles."

I actually read through them both in their entirety. Stupid, but I do stupid stuff sometimes.

*whimper* Hide me. Before something has to die. Please.

Oh yeah, and I'm Makari. Hi.

Howdy! Have some psychic paper! by Just_theDoctor on 2008-08-07 15:21:00 UTC Reply

Good for getting into parties uninvited and inadvertently telling everyone what you really think. Use with caution.
And welcome to the Board! Sorta. 'Cause you said you were lurking before. So you've been here a while. Welcome anyways!
Here, have some Anti-Lustin roses just in case you meet Lux. (nm by WikiMaster on 2008-08-07 13:27:00 UTC Reply
Welcome! Here, take this iguana! It's free! by Enelya on 2008-08-07 06:46:00 UTC Reply

(No, really, take it, I beseech you. They breed like tribbles.)

An iguana. by Makari on 2008-08-08 01:19:00 UTC Reply

Just what I always wanted. ...as long as it's not born pregnant, it's all good.
Re: Welcome! Here, take this iguana! It's free! by Wandering Critic on 2008-08-07 08:27:00 UTC Reply

And taste like chicken!

Oh. My. God. by Wandering Critic on 2008-08-07 06:25:00 UTC Reply

"karins past" is possibly the worst use of 460 words I have ever seen, and I'm including the spam posted below. I have seen better trollfics. I have seen better stories randomly generated by slapping phrases from badfic together. I have seen better stories in a bowl of Alpha-Bits.

The review I posted there may be my all-time harshest review, but then again, if this was bad in some really creative way, and big enough to care about, it would be in the running for the all-time worst (or at least stupidest) story. It makes Full Life Consequences look like great literature.

Any writer who inserts an author's note saying he/she/it is running out of ideas after a few hundred words of dreck has no more business trying to write than I have trying to fly to the moon.

I saw your review. Good job! by Lily Winterwood on 2008-08-07 23:12:00 UTC Reply

You did a great job slapping the author awake. Personally, I think they really needed it.
Something tells me that "karins past" might be asking for a Legendary Badfic nomination.

Really? by Makari on 2008-08-08 01:17:00 UTC Reply

I don't think it's quite that bad. Semi-legendary, maybe. : P But it doesn't measure up to some of the Legendary Badfics out there. In my opinion, anyway...

I'm with Makari here by Wandering Critic on 2008-08-08 08:05:00 UTC Reply

It's bad, yeah, but bad in kind of an incompetent, boring sort of way. It's hard to reach a truly legendary level of awfulness in so few words. While the writing is abysmal, the real badness of the story is that there isn't really any story down there. That's why I said it's unsalvageable: fix the broken writing and you have a story that is, basically, "these two people find a kid in the woods, take him home, and put him to bed." It's a scene, not a story, and it's a lame scene at that. There just isn't enough of it to compete on the same level as the likes of Celebrian and Subjugation. It's a Mini-Cooper full of fail, or maybe just a roller skate, but the Legendary Badfics are tractor-trailers running overweight with full loads of fail.

Welcome! Have some lembas! by The Trojanhorse on 2008-08-07 05:03:00 UTC Reply

You're in good company if you like to do stupid stuffs :P
Hiya! by Sara on 2008-08-07 03:53:00 UTC Reply

I gift you with an egg whisk! It's shiny, gold-plated...and it whisks eggs! Use it for good and not ~~much~~ evil.

Welcome to the insanity!
Let's see... ice... by Inkling on 2008-08-07 02:12:00 UTC Reply

Greetings, welcome to the Board, hope you enjoy your stay with blocks of Blumble flavored ice.

I think you've been given Wiki-links if you haven't found them yourself, so all that's left is to greet you and give you a nickname.

I shall call you Ri-Ri!
Welcome! First Paddle! by Sedri on 2008-08-07 00:15:00 UTC Reply

It's to hit Sues with. *grin*

I really like your name. Not sure why, but I like it.

Welcome! Thanks for the links; good on you. I'm sure July will be along soon with the Big List Of Links.
Hahaha...me knows not of the fandom but anyways! by Lily Winterwood on 2008-08-06 22:45:00 UTC Reply

Have a nice plushie of [insert lust object/fave character's name here]!

We're giving those out now? *eyes* (nm) by Inkling on 2008-08-07 02:13:00 UTC Reply

If you're eying my Frodo plushie... by Lily Winterwood on 2008-08-07 18:49:00 UTC Reply

You can have a plushie, too, Inkling!

First ketchup! by Tomato on 2008-08-06 21:51:00 UTC Reply

Welcome, Makari! I give you a coxcomb. It's a sort of funny hat.
Hello! by insanegrrl on 2008-08-06 21:23:00 UTC Reply

Have a ypur. Here y' go. Mind it doesn't slice your fingers off with its horns.

(For explanation, go to the thread lower down where everyone's kicking the spambot. 'Tis fun. ^_^)

Anyway. Got any agents?

Kind of? by Makari on 2008-08-07 00:23:00 UTC Reply

I have far too many stab-happy characters running around in my head. I'm sure two of them would be happy to... er... wait... I think I'm going to have to set traps for them if I want to draft them into the PPC. Darn it. :P

Hello there! by Cassie Cameron-Young on 2008-08-06 21:18:00 UTC Reply

Welcome, hail and well met, and other such phrases.

*hands over a bag of pebbles for throwing at Sues and a Random Shiny Object to gaze at*

Lovely to have you here. Thanks for the badfic, I'm sure someone'll deal with them sooner or later. Not my area of knowledge, I'm afraid, or I'd have taken them.

What fandoms do you cover? I'd give you some links, but other Boarders reserve them as newbie-gifts.

Oh, and leave your sanity over by the door, you won't need it. :)

Ooh, Shiny. by Makari on 2008-08-07 00:27:00 UTC Reply

And pebbles, too. Such generous gifts.

Fandoms? I'm pretty knowledgeable about a lot of things, but Final Fantasy games, Kingdom Hearts, and the Tales of series are my greatest strengths, and the things most likely to send me into a frenzy of ravaging doom when abused.

...sanity? Oh, no worries. I ditched that thing a long, long time ago. : P

Brother! by Artic Blade on 2008-08-07 02:29:00 UTC Reply

Yay! Assuming you make Agents, you'll be dealing with my Agents then. They're in the Department of Mary-Sues; Video Gaming Division. So far, they've taken down a FFVII Stu and a Narnian Sue. We assume it got though to their RC by using the Chronicles of Narnia Video Games going around. FUn fact: They used Keyblades to kill the Narnian one.

Anywho, I grant you your own supply of Bleepolate. That way you can read the Legendary Badfics, forget the pain and experience the happy that comes with the chocolate.
Ah, bleepolate... Oblivion without the hangover.

*realizes something* by Makari on 2008-08-09 01:04:00 UTC Reply

FFVII Stu? Nasty. *shudders* Thanks for the Bleepolate. I shall have to locate your mission logs.

Also. That should probably be "Sister!" : P As I am, in fact, female.

Ooh, awkward silence... by Artic Blade on 2008-08-09 14:03:00 UTC Reply

Sorry about that. I was calling you brother in the term 'Brethren'. Yes, that's it... *Coughs*...
And yes, he was a bad little Stu, being all invisible and such. I've got links if you need them.

Of course. by Makari on 2008-08-09 18:33:00 UTC Reply

Definitely. *nods* Oh yes.

And don't worry about the links; I managed to locate the mission. Ugh. Lovely mission, horrible badfic.

First plover! (nm) by Tawaki on 2008-08-06 20:11:00 UTC Reply
Thou art a brave soul, Makari... by Lycaenion on 2008-08-06 19:45:00 UTC Reply

...to venture so soon into the Pit.

In admiration, I do gift thee with a hand-knitted shawl in the colour (or colours) of your choice, a towel, and a large block of chocolate.

The chocolate will keep your spirits up, one must always have a towel with them, and the shawl will keep you warm in particularly chilly fic-verses. I suppose you could also sleep under it for lack of a blanket, garrote Sues with it, or hide your face under it as a shield from the worse 'fics around. It's your choice.
Hi! by lynxihez on 2008-08-06 19:32:00 UTC Reply

Welcome to the Board, for starters. Beware of anyone offering links to the Legendary Badfic - they'll scar you far, far more than these stories, distateful as they are.

Have you seen the wiki? If not, it's here - http://ppcwiki.wikilot.com . 'Tis very useful.

Oh, and have a pair of ice-skates. I'm feeling generous. :P

No worries. by Makari on 2008-08-07 00:31:00 UTC Reply

I already sniffed around the edges of a few of those. I'm never getting within a kilometre of any of them if I can help it. : P Thanks for the link, and ice skates too? I'm amazed. Everyone's so generous.