Ooh! by
Ailavyn Siniyash
on 2014-04-04 05:09:00 UTC
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This was very very funny. I liked it muchly. The first part was especially hilarious, and the interactions in part 2 were lovely and very partner-dynamic-y, and I'm sort of sleep-deprived, so apologies if this doesn't make sense. Still. Lovely.
-Aila
Review coming later, but... by
SeaTurtle
on 2014-04-02 09:41:00 UTC
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*puts on the Maudit Francophone hat*
There are some minor verb conjugation/spelling mistakes in the following section
“Karen, l’écrivaine m’a dit que le temps de votre retourne est arrivé.”
“Bien sur?” Jacques walked over and pulled Karen up. “Mais nous sommes arrivé il y a quelques minutes! Ce n’est pas juste.” He gave Dawn a soulful look; she glared in return.
“Tu as jeté de la farine sur moi, Bonnefoy, je ne suis pas heureuse.” Despite this, she accepted his help to get to her feet, and attempted to brush herself off.
“Omelette du fromage,” Karen put in, looking from one fellow French-speaking agent to the other. “Omelette du fromage? Omelette du fromage!”
I propose to correct it as follows:
“Karen, l’écrivaine m’a dit que le temps de votre retourne est arrivé qu'il est temps de partir.”
Transliterated directly from English, sentence is nonsensical.
“Bien sûr?” Jacques walked over and pulled Karen up. “Mais nous sommes arrivés il y a quelques minutes! Ce n’est pas juste.” He gave Dawn a soulful look; she glared in return.
The "u" needs a circumflex. Not quite sure why you put an interrogation mark after "Of course". That passé composé there needs a "s" at the end: the helping verb is "être".
“Tu as jeté de la farine sur moi, Bonnefoy. Je ne suis pas heureuse.” Despite this, she accepted his help to get to her feet, and attempted to brush herself off.
That comma made the sentence feel off, IMHO. Removing it makes the sentence flow better.
“Omelette au fromage,” Karen put in, looking from one fellow French-speaking agent to the other. “Omelette au fromage? Omelette au fromage!”
The original sentence read as "Omelet from cheese!" ...or was that supposed to be a Dexter's Laboratory reference?
Review coming later, but... by
SeaTurtle
on 2014-04-02 09:41:00 UTC
Reply
*puts on the Maudit Francophone hat*
There are some minor verb conjugation/spelling mistakes in the following section
“Karen, l’écrivaine m’a dit que le temps de votre retourne est arrivé.”
“Bien sur?” Jacques walked over and pulled Karen up. “Mais nous sommes arrivé il y a quelques minutes! Ce n’est pas juste.” He gave Dawn a soulful look; she glared in return.
“Tu as jeté de la farine sur moi, Bonnefoy, je ne suis pas heureuse.” Despite this, she accepted his help to get to her feet, and attempted to brush herself off.
“Omelette du fromage,” Karen put in, looking from one fellow French-speaking agent to the other. “Omelette du fromage? Omelette du fromage!”
I propose to correct it as follows:
“Karen, l’écrivaine m’a dit que le temps de votre retourne est arrivé qu'il est temps de partir.”
Transliterated directly from English, sentence is nonsensical.
“Bien sûr?” Jacques walked over and pulled Karen up. “Mais nous sommes arrivés il y a quelques minutes! Ce n’est pas juste.” He gave Dawn a soulful look; she glared in return.
The "u" needs a circumflex. Not quite sure why you put an interrogation mark after "Of course". That passé composé there needs a "s" at the end: the helping verb is "être".
“Tu as jeté de la farine sur moi, Bonnefoy. Je ne suis pas heureuse.” Despite this, she accepted his help to get to her feet, and attempted to brush herself off.
That comma made the sentence feel off, IMHO. Removing it makes the sentence flow better.
“Omelette au fromage,” Karen put in, looking from one fellow French-speaking agent to the other. “Omelette au fromage? Omelette au fromage!”
The original sentence read as "Omelet from cheese!" ...or was that supposed to be a Dexter's Laboratory reference?
Well, I liked the first part. by
Huinesoron
on 2014-04-02 09:17:00 UTC
Reply
The second one was a little silly for my tastes, but the first half pegged the characters exactly right. I particularly liked the subtle way you integrated recent events, and the fact that you resisted doing anything, well, ridiculous.
:P :P :P
And welcome to DOGA. I think Agent Huinesoron's just down the hall.
hS
I'm dead. I'm dying. Of laughter. by
Lily Winterwood
on 2014-04-02 08:48:00 UTC
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Bwahahahahahaha.
/laughs herself into an early grave