Subject: I quite like it. However...
Author:
Posted on: 2013-12-17 19:12:00 UTC

...I have one criticism of the whole piece. I think you could have gone further with the Noir style. Now, don't get me wrong, the setting and atmosphere were pretty good. It was the style that was a little off.

I felt like you were maybe missing some asides, and the asides you had (like the opening paragraphs) were missing some of the colorful metaphors and similes, all of which are a staple of Noir. I really wanted to get inside Danny's head more.

Other than that, I liked the imagery you used. I could visualize all of this going on in a grainy, black-and-white world. I liked how you handled the Weeds and especially the "badge and gun" bit. That was all classic.

I also think you might have missed an opportunity to make things even more Noir with the portal at the end. A portal the way we think of them in the PPC, is a little out of place. However, office doors are often used in Noir to show entrances and exits. You know the kind I mean; frosted glass with someone's name on the outside. I would have used one of those as the means of entering and exiting the worlds. But that is just me, and a small quibble in the grand scheme of things.

So, to sum up: I like it a lot. You had excellent atmosphere, and a few tweaks to the style would make it even better.

-Phobos

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