Subject: Nice start!
Author:
Posted on: 2013-12-17 18:55:00 UTC
I was a little thrown at first by the idea of yet another ~*dark*~ PPC story, plus the old "grizzled veteran pulled out of retirement" thing, but since it's noir—and because the writing is just that good—I can forgive that.
I think you've got a great voice for Danny here. His sarcasm is entertaining to read, and it makes the grittiness of his surroundings bearable. You've also got a good balance between description and thought. I had a solid picture of what was going on without ever feeling like I left Danny's head, and I never felt lost in his thoughts, either. I liked the moment where he realizes his cane is missing, and where he remembers the incident that made him leave without feeling the need to spell it out for us right then. It keeps both the mystery and the pacing alive.
It's interesting that the Flowers are explicitly telekinetic in this. I usually just assume they somehow grip stuff with their leaves. I also particularly liked the details of how the Sub Rosa's thoughts feel to Danny.
Good word use in We shall wait out in the other room while you comport yourself. "Comport" is one of those excellent yet underused words, and it's nice to be reminded it exists.
I liked Danny's rant, and I like that he was proud of it. Did he practice that? Unless his saying it was good was sarcasm, but that's fun, too.
I noticed a couple small mistakes:
1. I think you want drunk instead of drank in "Maybe I’d misjudged how much I’d drank last night." He drinks, he drank, he has/had drunk, yes?
2. A missing comma in "'Sounds like things are in a tight spot.' I meant it[,] too."
3. Missing word in Even as [you] slowly drink yourself into oblivion, you still take time to help people.
Oddly enough, Phobos and I have discussed the possibility of a noir-style PPC mission before, but we never got around to it for lack of a badfic in an appropriate setting and the fact that I haven't really read or seen much in the genre and wouldn't be at all confident in that style. I'll be interested to see how you do it.
~Neshomeh