Also: yaaaay! [Bounces happily] Trampolines are fun!

hS

Data Junkie stood in front of their desk, unable to quite believe they were there. After all these years, who would have believed that the highest office was finally theirs? It still seemed impossible, they still woke every morning expecting to be back to their old life - but there it was.

The door opened behind them, and Caddy-Shack stepped through. The secretary was almost silent on the thick carpet, but Data Junkie knew who it was. "Do you have my schedule?"

"I certainly do, sir." Data Junkie turned to watch as Caddy-Shack unrolled the sheet of paper and began to read. "At 9am, you're scheduled for riding with PoorCynic."

"I understand we'll be going up and down the hills a lot today," Data Junkie mused. "He certainly seemed to be planning that when we met last week."

"You then have a meeting with domirossi at ten to discuss certain affairs."

Data Junkie chuckled. "Yes, he was quite impatient to do so."

"Then at eleven, there's that ball game with Dragon master 7." Caddy-Shack glanced up at Data Junkie. "Is he aware that you're intending to leave early?"

"I've told him; I'm sure we'll finish all our business before I go."

"Hmm." Caddy-Shack made a quick note. "Then… ah, yes. I'm afraid Edhelistar has had to cancel your lunch; he says he'll be eating out with firemagic instead."

"Ah." Data Junkie grimaced. "Pity; I was looking forward to that. So do I have an alternate appointment?"

"I took the liberty of inviting darklordaakmal over," Caddy-Shack said, glancing again at the agenda. "You will be eating sausages, I believe."

"A filling meal," Data Junkie agreed. "And after lunch?"

"Oh, yes. At 1pm you have the tour of the new workshops. I believe you'll be receiving a demonstration of grinding from Tomash, hammering from doctorlit, and pounding from foofooman3."

Data Junkie cocked their head. "I thought there was going to be screwing with Fasoula?"

"No, Fasoula's been hospitalised; some sort of drilling accident with sjosten. I can get you the details if you like."

"It would be good to be able to express my sympathies." Data Junkie nodded. "Yes, please; I'll look them over before I head out."

Caddy-Shack jotted another note. "All right. Then at two, there's that interview with World-Jumper."

"Yes, the one where he wants to 'really get inside what it's like to be Data Junkie.'"

"And then at three, that band are very eager to have you join them in a rehearsal."

"An hour spent blowing Voyd's and Sergio Turbo's trumpets." Data Junkie rubbed their forehead. "This is shaping up to be a long day."

"At four you have one of the Ambassador's balls - I understand you'll be bumping up against Storme Hawk, rubbing shoulders with SkarmorySilver, and perhaps going down onto the floor with the likes of Hieronymus Graubart, Elcalion, and Phobos."

"Only if I can get away from Darkotas, Huinesoron, and Desdendelle," Data Junkie pointed out. "The 'big three' have plans to keep me tied up for the entire evening, I think."

"The ball should be over by eight," Caddy-Shack said. "After that, you have… ah, yes. 8pm, back to the office for wild monkey sex with me." Looking up from the sheet of paper, Caddy-Shack favoured Data Junkie with a blinding smile. "I took the liberty of pencilling that one in myself."

---

[Innocent face]

(Pronouns are based on my best reading of the data; hopefully I haven't messed anyone up!)

hS

I just laughed myself into tears. hS, you are a marvel of cracky comedy. XD

I'm a rabid reader of Ice and Fire.

That ending was absolutely brilliant.

However, there were no shark costumes. 6/10, needs more shark.

Seriously though, it was fun. To read, at least. Sounded very tedious for you. Ah well, at least you got some exercise out of it.

hS confirmed for the PPC's Memetic Sex God.
Also, there was no tea or teapot (or French presses) - I am disappoint.

Seriously though, thanks for that. Really brightened up my day. =]

*comes parachuting down*

Nicely done, hS!

"I'm cold."

DawnFire and JulyFlame looked at firemagic, who shrugged slightly. "Well, I am."

"This is a ploy to steal another one of my blankets, isn't it?" JulyFlame shook her head. "It's not going to work, firemagic. I'm onto you."

"You always are." firemagic snuggled in closer against JulyFlame's side. "But I'm still cold."

"I'll grab another log." Being careful not to dislodge the quilt wrapped around her shoulders, DawnFire shuffled across the floor to the woodpile. She pulled out the largest bough and placed it carefully on the fireplace, then quickly made her way back to the heap of cushions. "Okay, now I'm cold."

JulyFlame chuckled. "Come here, then." She held out her arm and wrapped it around DawnFire, pulling her in. "Honestly, you two are such wet blankets."

"If the blankets were wet," firemagic pointed out, "they'd be frozen by now. Why is it so cold?"

"It's not." JulyFlame ruffled firemagic's hair. "You're just both pathetic."

DawnFire raised an eyebrow. "Then you won't mind if I do borrow this." She snatched the topmost blanket from JulyFlame's collection and huddled into it. "It's not heeeeelping…"

"Good grief." JulyFlame looked from one to the other, then got to her feet in an abrupt motion. Grabbing a single blanket, she wrapped it around herself. "I'm going to make some cocoa and fill up the hot water bottles. And if you two don't stop whinging by the time I get back…"

DawnFire giggled and shuffled over to wrap her arms around firemagic. Nuzzling in against the other woman's neck, she lowered her voice to a whisper. "That's not an idle threat, either. She bites."

"I heard that!"

---

Insofar as it's possible in the Shipfest, I've gone for 'sweet' rather than 'suggestive'. And, yeah, there was no chance of HQ's Pyromanicest Elf not writing Flame/fire/Fire/fire. ^_~

hS

I REGRET NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL.

----------

Skarmory and Storme
Truly birds of a feather
Must flock together

Too many suitors?
Try our new escape option:
Electric jet-horse!

Iximaz's hair
Flies behind like a halo
Soron's true blessing

Lamenting of Voyd
Why can't he hold all these ships?
Forever alone

Besides, if you really want a superior lover, go with a hammerhead. Their mouths are too small to hurt you, should things get a little freakier then expected.

I am always open for more shark stories, if you can't tell.

Also, the little black dresses one? Perfect.

Definitely gonna agree with hS, the Jumper/shark one is great. The black light one made me crack up. XD

For amusement value, I think I like the little black dresses the most, though World-Jumper comes a close second. And of course, how can I say no to 'So many options!'?

hS

Pretzel whirled across the stage, giving her all to the dance. The mirrors lining the wall reflected her slim body in flashes, catching here an outstretched leg, there a delicately curled arm. With each pirouette, each leap, she felt more and more sure of herself - and of Hieronymus Graubart's instruction.

His quiet voice was present at every stage. "The leg a little higher," he would tell her, or, "To the left a little more," or, "Point the toes, Pretzel, point them!" She loved it when he used her name - but she didn't let it show, didn't let the shivers he sent down her spine distract her from the dance.

The music swept towards its climax - the most difficult part of the performance. Pretzel's face was a mask of concentration as she contorted her limbs into the demanding forms Hieronymus had choreographed. His voice was silent now, but she could feel his eyes burning into her, urging her to higher and higher degrees of art.

The music reached its final, shattering fanfare, and the whirl and flex of Pretzel's body ceased at the precise moment it fell silent. She held her post for three long, painful seconds - and then curtsied gracefully to her audience of one, and allowed herself to relax.

Hieronymus Graubart gazed at her contemplatively, his eyes tracking over every inch of her body. She knew he was reliving the dance, checking it for imperfections, compiling his comments in order.

Finally, he spoke, and his soft voice brought a smile of pure delight to Pretzel's face. "Exquisite, my dear, truly exquisite. I think you are at last ready for the stage."

---

Because I couldn't think of a better reason for Pretzel to be contorting her limbs without getting too risque.

(Things removed from this story include any actual German - I'd rather leave it out and get it wrong - and any suggestion that Pretzel was dancing in the nude. Ahem. So yeah - choose for yourself how risque you want your shipfic! ^_~)

hS

Forget Hieronymus, we mini-boarders deserve some hot, steamy action sweet, cute love too.

Long time no see, &c. How have you been? What have you been up to recently?

How's it going? Haven't seen you around much.

You've already said you're cool with being shipped and have been a few times already (or at least appeared in several fics). Just breathe and let everyone write what they'll write.

"A true pizza must have the sauce on the bottom. Anything else is… is sacrilege."

Phobos drew himself up and glowered at his opposite number. "You only say that because you have never experienced the majesty of my cheeseburger pizza."

"Majesty?" Sergio Turbo threw back his arm, letting his black cape flutter in the wind. "Travesty is more like it. Your American ways-"

Phobos' shadow seemed to grow as his frown deepened. He folded his arms across his chest, drawing his leather coat in tight. "Be warned, Italian: the wrath of Chicago can be terrible to behold."

"You haven't even tried a proper pizza!" Sergio Turbo yelled, seeming now almost to be surrounded with the glowing aura of righteousness. "If you'd had but a taste-"

"A taste? Hah!" The darkness that surrounded Phobos was deep and layered, much like the pizza he espoused, but it could gain no ground against the rich light of Sergio Turbo. Phobos stalked forward, and the interface between the two forces became a slice of pure radiance. "I would sooner," Phobos ground out, leaning in close, "make out with you, than partake of that empty husk you call pizza."

"Fine, then!" Sergio Turbo cried, and threw himself onto Phobos, his streaming cape cutting a wedge through the air. The pair went down together, a base of darkness with a topping of light, and it was quite some time before the argument resumed.

---

There will be blood tomato sauce.

hS

"Hey, TheShyIon, have you seen my- oh."

It isn't worth describing TheShyIon's normal hair colour, because Iximaz couldn't see it. Nor is it worth describing her normal clothing, because she wasn't wearing it. All she had on was a very skimpy bikini - but Iximaz couldn't even tell what colour it was. All she knew for sure was that her Little Sib was covered, head to toe, in what seemed to be water.

Purple water.

"Oh, um, hi!" TheShyIon whipped her hands behind her back and tried her best to look innocent. "I, um, wasn't expecting you!"

"No, I can-- TheShyIon, what are you hiding?"

TheShyIon bit her lip. "You'll laugh."

"I won't laugh."

"You will. Everyone laughs."

Iximaz pressed a hand over her heart. "My dear TheShyIon, have I ever laughed at you?"

TheShyIon considered. "... yes?"

"That settles it, then. What're you hiding?"

TheShyIon sighed and showed Iximaz the bottle she was holding. It was transparent glass, half-filled with a deep purple liquid. "It's, um, potassium permanganate."

Iximaz blinked. "And you pour it over yourself? Isn't that… dangerous?"

There was a sudden scuffling noise from overhead, and then Huinesoron's head appeared, dangling from a hole in the ceiling. "Potassium permanganate causes severe skin burns, and if absorbed through the skin it can--" He vanished as suddenly as he'd appeared, dragged back into the ceiling, and the girls heard his muffled voice moving away: "Sorry, Hawkelf, but this was an emergen…"

TheShyIon blinked up at the ceiling, then shrugged and returned her gaze to her Big Sib. "I can't help it," she said, hunching her shoulders. "It just feels so…" Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Good."

Iximaz studied TheShyIon for a few seconds. Then she shrugged. "Okay, if that's what you're into. So have you seen my pencil?"

TheShyIon stared at her, startled out of her embarassment. "You're… not going to laugh?"

"I said I wouldn't, silly." Iximaz ruffled TheShyIon's hair, then wiped her hand on her black dress. "But seriously, I need my pencil back."

"I think I saw it over by the computer." TheShyIon quickly tipped a little more potassium permanganate into her hand and massaged it into her hair. "What're you writing?"

"Oh, I'm not." Iximaz strode over to the computer and picked up the pencil in question, then turned back to her Little Sib with a smile. "This isn't my writing pencil," she said, her voice dropping into a low, husky register. "This is my… other pencil."

"Oh." TheShyIon swallowed. "Oh. Um. Oh." She blinked. "Is it… any good?"

Iximaz had already started back to the door. She stopped abruptly and turned to face TheShyIon. "It… well, yes. Why are you asking?"

"I thought…" TheShyIon took a deep breath. "I just thought you might like to… stay here. With me. For a while."

Iximaz studied her again. Then, at last, she smiled. "I knew I was right not to bother with the leather trousers," she said. "So tell me, TheShyIon - does that permanganate really feel that good?"

---

With apologies to Hawky for stealing her ceiling. But I'm a chemist, I had to say it!

TheShyIon/a shy ion, Iximaz/her pencil, Iximaz/TheShyIon. ^_^

hS

Storme Hawk peered into the room, the lone light source being a computer screen, half obscured by the other person in the room. Shaking his head Storme Hawk moved slowly into the room itself. "You know, you're not the only one who wants to Command and Conquer" He said to the other person in the room.
TheShyIon turned around. "Oh, well I'll just finish this mission then you can come on." she replied, noticing Storme Hawk was shirtless and quickly admiring his torso.
Storme Hawk laughed "Not like that, silly. Come on, I'll show you."
"ooh" TheShyIon giggled, before turning back around to pause the game. "I'm sure the game can wait, right?"
"That depends" Storme Hawk said as he started to walk back out of the room. "Which game are we talking about?"

"Wait, Iximaz, where are we going?" foofooman3 asked his sister as she frog-marched him along a hallway.

"You're gonna meet my other sibling!" Iximaz said happily. "And then you two are going to get along very well, and then the ships will come truuuuue!" She beamed up at him.

"Wait, other sibling?"

"Have fun!" Iximaz unlocked a door, pushed her brother in, and locked the door behind him before he could react.

There was a squeal when TheShyIon threw herself at foofooman3, kissing him passionately. At first, foofooman3 tried to push her away, but she was really pretty. So he kissed her back.

They fell onto the only piece of furniture in the room, a very large and soft bed. You can imagine what happened next.

(I seem to have a preference for crack-crack tics. Also, this image is too big to post here, so... Link!)

hS, I need a dapper hat. You must find me a dapper hat immediately.

Though I worry about that tangle of limbs we ended up in; seems a bit messy, no?

(Also, hahaha. Swordfighting in a corset. That sounds like... yep)

hS

Darkotas was having the time of his life.
His partner lay in the rosebush with him, and as time passed the situation became more and more heated. He looked at the figure intertwined with him - glassy features, curves in all the right places, nothing short of perfect. Huinesoron was a fool to give up a relationship like this for his student. Darkotas leaned in to whisper sweet nothings to his partner.

The teapot in the rosebush said nothing.

Darkotas finally arrived home wanting nothing other then to take a nice long nap. However, when he entered his bedroom he saw that was not to be the case. On his bed someone, most likely Iximaz, had left a note and several roses. "Follow the trail of roses and I'll show you something special," read the note.

The idea of taking a nap was instantly dismissed from his mind. The only thing he could think of was what wonders awaited him at the end of the trail.

After a brief walk, Darkotas saw that the roses led into a rather large rosebush. There must be room for two people in there, he thought.

He pushed aside some of the branches to make an entrance for himself and went in, ready for the greatness that must be waiting on the other side. What he saw next made him shake his head and look again.

There, in the middle of the rather spacy rosebush, was none other than Kaitlyn, lying naked on the soft grass. "Come here handsome," she whispered mischievously.

For a while, all Darkotas could do was stare at the sexy woman before him. Finally, he managed to sputter out a few words, "What about Huinesoron and Iximaz?"

"What they don't know won't hurt them," she replied.

With that being all he needed, Darkotas bent down and kissed her, using more tongue than lips. The two lovers then took of Darkotas' clothes very quickly and did very dirty things to each other.


Huinesoron was walking to his next lesson when he heard a rustling that made him stop. His keen elven senses allowed him to find the source with great ease. A rosebush was shaking quite a bit with faint moans emanating from it. He knew that he shouldn't look but curiosity overwhelmed him.

When he peeked inside he stared. There was his wife getting it on with Darkotas. They were too busy to realize he was there. Smirking, he continued on his way.

Roses have thorns, though Laburnum did find that Convenient Rosebush in That Series.

World-Jumper stared into the pool of water. "My god, you're beautiful," he whispered.

The occupant of the pool looked up at him with dark eyes.

World-Jumper turned to the side dramatically. "No, I can't! To touch you would tear my skin, and then -"

The occupant of the pool contrived to look interested while being completely unaware of what was being said.

World-Jumper sighed. "But - you're so amazing. Your electroreception, your elegant curves, your teeth that get replaced every few months... And everyone's so against you, you've gotten such a bad reputation without reason - I can't conceal my feelings any more!" At that, he performed an elegant swan dive into the shark tank at the local aquarium. "There is no way this can go wrong!" he said triumphantly as he tread water. "I regret nothing!"

-------
Well, the ship of WJ/An Actual Shark was too good to pass up. Also I agree to being shipped!

"Ssh!" DawnFire hissed at Iximaz. The pair were engaged in shoving along a giant crate... which was snoring lightly.

"It's okay," said Iximaz, and giggled. "He won't wake up until we've shipped him..."

PoorCynic looked on, tapping one foot. "Are you sure you should be doing this?" he asked. "I'm not sure he'd appreciate being shipped off to England..."

"Nonsense," DawnFire replied. "He asked to be shipped. And anyway, Phobos is waiting..."

"...true," the male Boarder admitted. He walked forward and began to help push the create along. "Come on, let's get World-Jumper on the ship already!"

Anyway, yes, another freaking note. I actually do like physical contact like hugs and cuddles. It's just that in this blasted thing called reality, I don't know too many people who enjoy my cuddle bug tendencies.

And I always love watching people fight over me. Even if, er, I'm not sure precisely who is fighting over me. Crowbar... Iximaz, then?

hS is wildly amused (and also keeping a tally, because of course he is)

Darklordaakmal sat brooding on his throne. From the depths of the fortress came the sound of his orcs hard at work, building the engines of war that would one day sweep the enemy from his lands forever.

The door flew back with a crash, and a wave of shadow swept into the great hall. It shrouded each of the flickering torches in turn, snuffing the life out of them, plunging the room into darkness. Against the volcanic red glow from outside, darklordaakmal saw a cloaked and hooded figure step into the fortress.

"Who dares trespass on the domain of darklordaakmal?" he demanded, rising to his feet. The obsidian of his throne clutched at him for a moment, then yielded, and as he stepped forward the black glass flowed with him, forming itself into razor-sharp battle armour.

"I dare." A dark light seemed to emanate from the intruder as he swept back his hood, revealing a proud and cruel face.

Darklordaakmal's brow lowered in fury. "Darkotas. What is this insolence?" Responding to his wrath, the very walls of the fortress seemed to loom inwards in the gloom, leaning menacingly over Darkotas.

"The insolence is yours." Darkotas came to a halt in the centre of the floor, and the shadow which enveloped him seemed to grow, forming an inky pool that spread slowly across the hall. "This latest decree of yours cannot be-"

"My decisions are not negotiable," darklordaakmal growled, his midnight eyes narrowing. "If you think-"

"If you think you can just-"

"Ooh la la!"

There was a sound of tinkling silver bells, and a shaft of light pierced the hadean night of the great hall. It was centred on a man: a man who was humming cheerfully to himself, a man whose skin seemed to glow as he skipped across the floor towards the pair… a man who was dressed in a French maid's outfit.

With a flounce, Elcalion came to a halt, midway between Darkotas and darklordaakmal. He tossed back his hair and brandished his feather duster. "This is la ridiculous!"

Darkotas looked at darklordaakmal, then back to Elcalion. "I'm inclined to agree."

"Non, non!" Elcalion snapped. "It is you who are ridiculous! Why do you fight and threaten la war when it is clear what you really want?"

Darklordaakmal stared at him. "What I 'really want' is-"

"-to take this gorgeous young man to your bed and let him use you as he will, n'est pas?" Elcalion beamed and flicked up the hem of his skirt. "And so you shall!" He reached around, took hold of the toggle at the collar of his dress, and gave it a dramatic downwards tug.

There was a moment of silence and utter stillness.

"Um - can one of you help me with la zip? I think it is la stuck."

---

^_^

(How long until someone tells me my French is wrong?)

hS

First one to write a Des x Tea fic better than DawnFire's fic from last year gets Internet cookies and a bunch of scones.

If one thing can be said about bunk beds, it's that they make for very fun parties.

Neshomeh, Darkotas, and Kaitlyn had claimed control of the bottom bunk and quickly set to work on building an intricate fort by hanging a sheet from the top bunk. Then they dived in, their antics quickly tearing the sheet down, not that any of them minded.

Meanwhile, Huinesoron, Iximaz, and Phobos were having their own fun in the top bunk. Sure, the horizontal space was limited, and it was had to stay balanced due to all the rocking coming from below, but that just made things all the more exciting.

Huinesoron stopped his ministrations to his top-bunk bedmates to lean over the side to watch his sexy wife and her two current lovers. Iximaz and Phobos, now distracted, leaned over the edge as well, watching their respective partners. Suddenly, the bunk tipped over and spilled everyone onto the floor, but they decided to continue on with what they were doing anyway. It was fun to mix things up sometimes. Besides, that wasn't the first time the bunk bed had been knocked over from a wild night.

((Totally, completely, 100% crack and more a warmup than anything. Next one will be a bit more 'serious', no worries.))

... if my dad wasn't recovering from surgery.

Also, this is perfectly accurate. Sputtering and confusion would indeed be prevalent, were I in this situation. I also pace a lot, I do sometimes Metal Gear a bit to confirm that I've heard people correctly...

Are you psychic?

I have missed this. :D