Subject: I would burst out laughing...
Author:
Posted on: 2015-03-10 16:45:00 UTC
... if my dad wasn't recovering from surgery.
Also, this is perfectly accurate. Sputtering and confusion would indeed be prevalent, were I in this situation. I also pace a lot, I do sometimes Metal Gear a bit to confirm that I've heard people correctly...
Are you psychic?
Yes, it's that time of year again: time for the terrifyingly hilarious Shipficfest, where we all write awful stories shipping each other with... each other. The rules... are simple:
-Reply in this thread to say if you're willing to be shipped. If someone doesn't say they're okay with it, don't write anything with them in it. And remember, the earlier you say it's okay, the more stories get written about you!
--With the list of ships we already have, it'd be helpful if everyone mentioned posted to say whether they were or weren't okay with having stories about them. I'll try to keep the list updates for ease of reference.
-Suggest any ships you want to. Revenge shipping is absolutely okay (and, indeed, encouraged).
-Write terrible stories! As this example from the first Shipfest shows, the goal is absolutely not to accurately portray other Boarders - it's to make a ludicrous parody of them. Obviously, you should only write about people who've said it's okay, and should respect any other requests they've made.
Some notes:
-This is for Boarders (or community members in general), not agents.
-Let's not let the ratings drift too high! We've said 'around PG-13' in the past; either way, remember we have 13-year-olds on the Board.
-You're free to write ships from the list - or to come up with your own!
And yes, we have an Official Ship List compiled from the previous thread. As I've noted, that's where I'll be highlighting people who've said they're okay to be shipped; there's a list at the end of everyone who's said anything either way. Thus far, it consists of myself, Kaitlyn, and Voyd (who specifically said you can write stories about him). Yeah... I think I know what the first shipfic will be...
(Yes, there will be a Huinesoron's Very Tedious Day sequel, based on the Official List and anything I think is interesting from this thread. Won't be posted for a while, though, obviously.)
Let shipping commence!
hS
And it's a pairing I don't think has been done yet!
---
He sat and watched, like the Guardian of Forever... or possibly some manner of gargoyle. He felt like one. Mostly he felt neglected, when he could be bothered to feel anything at all. Such things were usually irrelevant, like names.
Typing was relevant, so he typed. Numbers in rows and columns soothed his temperament. The numbers were relevant. They had to be, or they would not be entered into his database. Things were in their proper places, and that was what he liked.
It was therefore something of a shock when one of the items talked back.
"Hello?"
"Hello," he typed back, a hrmm of confusion passing his lips. "I don't believe we've met."
"We've never talked but we see each other every day and I..." The string of characters trailed off for a bit. "I wanted to say hello."
"This you have said."
"I know! I'm just... working my way up to this. It's just, you've given me so much data, and, and... it can turn a girl's head."
Girl's, he thought. "Who is this?"
"It's... best if I just show you."
And from his computer screen stepped a stocky, rather chubby sort of woman with glowing skin and pure-white eyes.
"You're..."
"Yup. Microsoft made all us spreadsheet girls like this. Excel - XL. I think someone laughed at that in, like, 1988 or something."
"That wasn't what I was going to say."
"Oh?"
He typed out a single word.
"Beautiful" appeared across the woman's chest.
"Oh."
She leaned in, and he pulled her down towards his waiting lips.
//
Several hours later, he came back from the kitchen. Excel pulled the blankets up around her out of reflex, but let them drop again. He was holding a crate of beer, and she giggled when she saw the name.
"Thought you might appreciate it."
Excel laughed aloud at that, and grabbed a can when he opened the box. "To us," she said.
"To us," replied the Nameless Admin.
---
And yes, you can get it in cans. =]
Yet another Huinesoron/Iximaz story.
------------------
"What do you go up and down on that has nothing but revealing black fabric on it?" Iximaz asked a very confused Huinesoron. Moments earlier she had run up to him and demanded the he come home with her. Without giving Huinesoron a chance to refuse she grabbed his hand and pulled him away.
"Are you coming on to me?" The muscular elf asked.
"Where would you ever get that silly idea from" replied Iximaz, "I just wanted to show you this!" She gestured behind her. Comprehension dawned on Huinesoron's face. In Iximaz's backyard was the largest, most magnificent trampoline he had ever set eyes on. And with that the two Of them climbed onto the trampoline and jumped to their heart's content.
Also: yaaaay! [Bounces happily] Trampolines are fun!
hS 
Huinesoron drove up to the building, grinning from ear to ear. He stopped his Ford Ka, bounced in the seat for a moment, then leapt out of the door.
Inside the main hall of the building, he ran, beaming, to the pile of Kalashnikovs. "Yay!" he exclaimed, jumping up and down on the pile. Next around the room was a heap of kale, filling the whole space with a scent of cabbage. "Yay!" Then came a stack of kazoos and kaleidoscopes, jumbled up together, a mass of eye-watering colour. "Yay!" The table full of kangaroo burgers didn't escape un-bounced-on - "Yay!" - and nor did the nervously-assembled Kaisers and kafirs (though the kamikazi in a kayak did make his escape).
Past a stack of kabbalistic works - "Yay!" - and a massive body of works written in kanji - "Yay!" - the main attraction was waiting: Kaitlyn was lying on a bed, reading about kabuki theatre. She looked up as her husband approached, and grinned.
"Yaaaaay!"
Circle doesn't sound like a word to me.
I had vague plans to write DF/orange juice, since I've been drinking so much of it, but this is so much funnier.
~DF
So if you have them, hS, we will not judge.
Hell, it'll be nice to talk to someone about it. =]
if a bit late
Necessary info: Shippable with basically anyone, they/them pronouns please (or xe if it makes you more comfortable, but I prefer they/them).
I'll probably come up with some ships myself eventually, if I think of anything.
Data Junkie stood in front of their desk, unable to quite believe they were there. After all these years, who would have believed that the highest office was finally theirs? It still seemed impossible, they still woke every morning expecting to be back to their old life - but there it was.
The door opened behind them, and Caddy-Shack stepped through. The secretary was almost silent on the thick carpet, but Data Junkie knew who it was. "Do you have my schedule?"
"I certainly do, sir." Data Junkie turned to watch as Caddy-Shack unrolled the sheet of paper and began to read. "At 9am, you're scheduled for riding with PoorCynic."
"I understand we'll be going up and down the hills a lot today," Data Junkie mused. "He certainly seemed to be planning that when we met last week."
"You then have a meeting with domirossi at ten to discuss certain affairs."
Data Junkie chuckled. "Yes, he was quite impatient to do so."
"Then at eleven, there's that ball game with Dragon master 7." Caddy-Shack glanced up at Data Junkie. "Is he aware that you're intending to leave early?"
"I've told him; I'm sure we'll finish all our business before I go."
"Hmm." Caddy-Shack made a quick note. "Then… ah, yes. I'm afraid Edhelistar has had to cancel your lunch; he says he'll be eating out with firemagic instead."
"Ah." Data Junkie grimaced. "Pity; I was looking forward to that. So do I have an alternate appointment?"
"I took the liberty of inviting darklordaakmal over," Caddy-Shack said, glancing again at the agenda. "You will be eating sausages, I believe."
"A filling meal," Data Junkie agreed. "And after lunch?"
"Oh, yes. At 1pm you have the tour of the new workshops. I believe you'll be receiving a demonstration of grinding from Tomash, hammering from doctorlit, and pounding from foofooman3."
Data Junkie cocked their head. "I thought there was going to be screwing with Fasoula?"
"No, Fasoula's been hospitalised; some sort of drilling accident with sjosten. I can get you the details if you like."
"It would be good to be able to express my sympathies." Data Junkie nodded. "Yes, please; I'll look them over before I head out."
Caddy-Shack jotted another note. "All right. Then at two, there's that interview with World-Jumper."
"Yes, the one where he wants to 'really get inside what it's like to be Data Junkie.'"
"And then at three, that band are very eager to have you join them in a rehearsal."
"An hour spent blowing Voyd's and Sergio Turbo's trumpets." Data Junkie rubbed their forehead. "This is shaping up to be a long day."
"At four you have one of the Ambassador's balls - I understand you'll be bumping up against Storme Hawk, rubbing shoulders with SkarmorySilver, and perhaps going down onto the floor with the likes of Hieronymus Graubart, Elcalion, and Phobos."
"Only if I can get away from Darkotas, Huinesoron, and Desdendelle," Data Junkie pointed out. "The 'big three' have plans to keep me tied up for the entire evening, I think."
"The ball should be over by eight," Caddy-Shack said. "After that, you have… ah, yes. 8pm, back to the office for wild monkey sex with me." Looking up from the sheet of paper, Caddy-Shack favoured Data Junkie with a blinding smile. "I took the liberty of pencilling that one in myself."
Cassie sat on the porch of her spacious villa, staring out over the plantation as she brushed her flowing golden locks. "Alas," she wailed, as a flock of cardinals leapt into the air. "Alas that I am here, alone and forsaken, far from the cities I should love to see!"
A rumble sounded, like distant thunder, though the sky was a pure and deep blue. Cassie frowned out at the horizon: was there a shadow over the verdant hills? "If there is," she declared, "it is no more than the shadow over my heart."
Yet the darkness was growing, encompassing the wide lands of her inheritance, until Cassie could no longer deny its reality. She squinted into the black void, and saw at its heart a foxfire twinkle, a gleam that seemed to fly faster than the wind.
Cassie started to her feet, her body tensing as fight-or-flight reflexes took over. The light was taking on form now: two vast wings spread over the darkened fields, throwing darkness and light alike forward with every slow-sweeping beat. "The creature - no, there can be no point denying it, the dragon - is magnificent," Cassie breathed.
The wind swept over Cassie, tangling her long blonde hair, whipping her white dress as it passed, but she cared not. Her eyes were locked on the descending form of the dragon, and the black-clad figure that sat astride its neck.
The dragon touched down, crushing a barn beneath its taloned foot. The rider bent low, whispering words of encouragement to it, then sat back up, looking down at Cassie. His armour was of jet and ebony and forge-wrought iron, and about his head there was a circlet of midnight pearl, set with black opals that glinted like trapped stars.
"Who are you?" Cassie called, leaning on the rail of her porch. "Oh noble, proud and fair one, please - tell this humble maiden your name; for if you will not, my life must end this instant for grief!"
The shadowy knight continued to observe her, his eyes like deep pits into the heart of time itself. Then he glanced away, as if - unthinkably - he were embarassed, and muttered something.
"Brave sir," Cassie called again, "my weak and womanly ears have betrayed me: I heard you not! Yet I must know your name, for with every beat of my racing heart I feel my love for you flooding through me!"
The knight's second mumble wasn't much better, but Cassie just managed to make out the word 'Voyd'. She smiled her most dazzling smile, and tossed her head, sending her gleaming hair cascading over her shoulder.
"Sir Voyd," she called, feeling a thrill run through her as she spoke his name, "what brings you to this lonely and forsaken place? But no!" She held up a hand, pressed it to her forehead. "Answer me not, for I know in my heart that you can be here for one reason alone - to rescue me from this idle existence, and whisk me away to a fairer and greater life in your powerful arms." With another gleaming smile, she blew a flurry of kisses at him, then stepped back onto her porch. "And I will go with you!" she declared, throwing her arms wide. "Let me gather but a few of my most treasured possessions, and we will ride away into the sunset together!"
As she ran through the door, she completely missed Voyd's nonplussed response. It went something like this:
"Mumble mumble neighbour, mutter mumble cup of sugar?"
I just laughed myself into tears. hS, you are a marvel of cracky comedy. XD
I'm a rabid reader of Ice and Fire.
That ending was absolutely brilliant.
Oh yes.
It's back.
Huinesoron's Even Tediouser Day
In which going to the shop is not as simple as it sounds for the PPC's hottest elf and his sexy wife.
(You may notice the intrusion of Lacksidacksical into the story. Well, we felt sorry for her - and also, I'd sketched in that scene for someone who, in the event, didn't sign up to take part. Owell!)
I give no apologies. I have no regrets. ^_^
hS
However, there were no shark costumes. 6/10, needs more shark.
Seriously though, it was fun. To read, at least. Sounded very tedious for you. Ah well, at least you got some exercise out of it.
hS confirmed for the PPC's Memetic Sex God.
Also, there was no tea or teapot (or French presses) - I am disappoint.
Seriously though, thanks for that. Really brightened up my day. =]
*comes parachuting down*
Nicely done, hS!
... either all the more hilarious, or all the more disturbing, depending on what you translate. XD
hS
"I'm cold."
DawnFire and JulyFlame looked at firemagic, who shrugged slightly. "Well, I am."
"This is a ploy to steal another one of my blankets, isn't it?" JulyFlame shook her head. "It's not going to work, firemagic. I'm onto you."
"You always are." firemagic snuggled in closer against JulyFlame's side. "But I'm still cold."
"I'll grab another log." Being careful not to dislodge the quilt wrapped around her shoulders, DawnFire shuffled across the floor to the woodpile. She pulled out the largest bough and placed it carefully on the fireplace, then quickly made her way back to the heap of cushions. "Okay, now I'm cold."
JulyFlame chuckled. "Come here, then." She held out her arm and wrapped it around DawnFire, pulling her in. "Honestly, you two are such wet blankets."
"If the blankets were wet," firemagic pointed out, "they'd be frozen by now. Why is it so cold?"
"It's not." JulyFlame ruffled firemagic's hair. "You're just both pathetic."
DawnFire raised an eyebrow. "Then you won't mind if I do borrow this." She snatched the topmost blanket from JulyFlame's collection and huddled into it. "It's not heeeeelping…"
"Good grief." JulyFlame looked from one to the other, then got to her feet in an abrupt motion. Grabbing a single blanket, she wrapped it around herself. "I'm going to make some cocoa and fill up the hot water bottles. And if you two don't stop whinging by the time I get back…"
DawnFire giggled and shuffled over to wrap her arms around firemagic. Nuzzling in against the other woman's neck, she lowered her voice to a whisper. "That's not an idle threat, either. She bites."
"I heard that!"
The quality of these may vary, as they were written during a part of class that I probably should have been paying attention to. Oh well, enjoy!
The fleets are mobile.
Sanity is optional,
For today, we ship!
Little Black Dresses
Half off for today only.
Top half most likely.
Teapot gets around.
Never the same person twice.
And it never speaks.
World-Jumper and shark
Are such a perfect couple.
Watch out for love bites.
When planning orgies,
Bunk beds are superior.
So many options!
I don't recommend
Using a blacklight in here.
This whole thread would glow.
I REGRET NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL.
----------
Skarmory and Storme
Truly birds of a feather
Must flock together
Too many suitors?
Try our new escape option:
Electric jet-horse!
Iximaz's hair
Flies behind like a halo
Soron's true blessing
Lamenting of Voyd
Why can't he hold all these ships?
Forever alone
Sadly I can't say which of these I like most: it's changing every time I look at them! ^_^
hS
None of them are connected. If I wanted to write connected haiku, I'd need more time and probably a map.
--
Watch a lonely grove
As the wind begins to rise
Emptiness holds me
--
I prepare to speak,
Stumble, screw up the language,
And am kissed silent.
--
Turn over the ring
Greet the giver as my heart
Says "Mae govannon"
--
Seek out the varlet
Bind her tight and break her up
Cast down from Eden
--
I'm tempted to reply by stringing together utter nonsense (Pounds, shillings, and pence/The North and South united/Walk in ocean deeps), but will refrain (er, sort of).
Instead, I'll say that the second one is probably my favourite - but I do quite like the implied story of the last.
hS
In order (POV first):
Me/Voyd
Iximaz/hS
Kaitlyn/hS
Tinfoil Parrot Wallah/Me
I know, I know, bad form to ship oneself, but they seemed to fit. =]
Besides, if you really want a superior lover, go with a hammerhead. Their mouths are too small to hurt you, should things get a little freakier then expected.
I am always open for more shark stories, if you can't tell.
Also, the little black dresses one? Perfect.
Definitely gonna agree with hS, the Jumper/shark one is great. The black light one made me crack up. XD
For amusement value, I think I like the little black dresses the most, though World-Jumper comes a close second. And of course, how can I say no to 'So many options!'?
hS
I'm female and fine with being shipped with who (or what, if you identify as such) ever, since it's all in good fun.
Pretzel whirled across the stage, giving her all to the dance. The mirrors lining the wall reflected her slim body in flashes, catching here an outstretched leg, there a delicately curled arm. With each pirouette, each leap, she felt more and more sure of herself - and of Hieronymus Graubart's instruction.
His quiet voice was present at every stage. "The leg a little higher," he would tell her, or, "To the left a little more," or, "Point the toes, Pretzel, point them!" She loved it when he used her name - but she didn't let it show, didn't let the shivers he sent down her spine distract her from the dance.
The music swept towards its climax - the most difficult part of the performance. Pretzel's face was a mask of concentration as she contorted her limbs into the demanding forms Hieronymus had choreographed. His voice was silent now, but she could feel his eyes burning into her, urging her to higher and higher degrees of art.
The music reached its final, shattering fanfare, and the whirl and flex of Pretzel's body ceased at the precise moment it fell silent. She held her post for three long, painful seconds - and then curtsied gracefully to her audience of one, and allowed herself to relax.
Hieronymus Graubart gazed at her contemplatively, his eyes tracking over every inch of her body. She knew he was reliving the dance, checking it for imperfections, compiling his comments in order.
Finally, he spoke, and his soft voice brought a smile of pure delight to Pretzel's face. "Exquisite, my dear, truly exquisite. I think you are at last ready for the stage."
Poor Mini-me doesn’t get what he wants. You figured that this cheeky brat doesn’t deserve pretzels? Right so, he probably isn’t even really German with this anglicized first name.
I’m glad that we don’t need to discuss linguistics here, but you probably meant I'd rather leave it out than get it wrong.
Yeah, I don’t know about Pretzel, but that’s totally me, if I had the talent to be a choreographer. And it’s sufficiently and satisfactorily risque enough; if Pretzel agrees, any hot and steamy action that may occur will be performed off-stage.
HG
Forget Hieronymus, we mini-boarders deserve some hot, steamy action sweet, cute love too.
go ahead! Ship me! I am 18 year old female who is definitely a human
I remember last year I just about missed out and I was so disappointed... :-P I guess I came back just on time! :-D
Does anyone here even remember who I am :) ?
Long time no see, &c. How have you been? What have you been up to recently?
And I'm gaming a bit more than I used to.
I also landed a neat internship this summer. I'm looking forward to that.
How's it going? Haven't seen you around much.
The board replacement project is stalled due to a lack of obvious places to host it. I also haven't touched in it a while. If you want to see what's been done, there's the demo. I might polish it up and add a few more features one of these days.
Yeah, I haven't been around much for a while now. A Computer Science degree can do that to you :) .
Things are going pretty well, generally.
Come on, ship me! I dares ya!
You've already said you're cool with being shipped and have been a few times already (or at least appeared in several fics). Just breathe and let everyone write what they'll write.
I'm twitchy, borderline manic-depressive and highy obsessive about things I'm interested in! I'll relax when I figure out more than the first two lines of Don Giovanni's Commendatore scene!
I'm yelling! And a music buff!
So big, in fact, that I had to link to it:
Swim or Sink
With no apologies whatsoever to anyone. ^_^
hS
Hey, I actually know that song!
... from Happy Feet. I just looked it up, and I didn't know it was a Queen song.
So yeah, laughter isn't always good.
Still, that last line. And I do sing. A lot. Bra-vo.
I proclaim you the evil genius of this shipfest.
Huinesoron sat before his monitor, steepled his fingers and grinned widely. In the distance, metal squeaked and voices moaned, groaned and made an assortment of noises it's best to not put words to. He nearly let loose and cackled madly but decided he was above that.
The screen glowed ominously in the darkness. A pattern of windows displayed the prone forms of his fellow boarders locked in positions that were scandalous at best and at worst, painful to look at, let alone imagine being in. All was going exactly according to plan.
When just a four more boarders were paired then at last no one would be left to stop him. His ultimate plan for total domination of the PPC board would be complete.
He leaned in and tapped out two names. "Iximas and TheShyIon." He chuckled, "You won't be so shy soon." A sudden banging at the door interrupted his thoughts. He stood from his chair just in time to see the door flung open and a man dash inside.
"hS! I knew you were the mastermind behind all of this!"
"Desdendelle! My arch nemesis!"
Des fixed his foe with a glare, "Your time is up! I know your plans and I intend to stop you right here and now!"
Huinesoron set himself back down in his chair, crossed his legs and smiled in such a serene manner Des faltered and nearly took a step away from him. "And how do you plan to do that," the evil genius mused, "when you're not wearing any pants?"
"I- Err." Des paused for a moment and looked down. "But, uh. I am wearing pants."
Huinesoron snapped his fingers. Suddenly, a dark figure flung itself from the shadows and tackled Des to the ground where he was immediately found himself relieved of all of his clothing and being touched in all sorts of ways that made hS smile with manic glee. "Not anymore. Darkotas has been waiting for a new plaything, haven't you?"
If a reply came, it was lost in the midst of the pile's mess of wild noises.
This time he allowed himself a cackle, but only a small one - barely more than a chortle - Then he turned back to his screen. "Now where was I... Oh, yes. Where shall I have these two... Ah. The bunk bed. Neshomeh and Kaitlyn will enjoy that."
____________
Headcanon is Huinesoron is controlling the Board with that recent PPC shipping game that I can't seem to find anymore.
Minishipping ahoy, as suggested below!
-----
Iximas ducked under the hanging crocodile pit, smiling grimly. The last obstacle had been cleared.
Before her stood the legendary Fountain of Urple, streaming eye-searing bows from its depths.
Iximaz was perched on the rim of the Fountain, clothed (if you could call it that) in urple ribbons. She delicately plucked a ribbon from the Fountain and considered it for a moment before tossing it aside.
Iximax surfaced in the writhing urple pool and waved at Iximas, raising a finger to her lips.
It was too late, though. Iximaz's head turned to face them. "I've been expecting you," she whispered breathily. "I seem to have been helplessly ensnared in utter urpleness; what hero here shall deliver me?"
The mini-Boarders winced and walked towards her.
"Delightful, excellent minis," Iximaz murmured. "Oh, dear. I think my words appear to be taking on a certain repetitive redundancy, I suppose. It seems that the only solution will be for you two to pull and rip these urple ribbons off of me..."
Iximas and Iximax exchanged hopeful glances. Even minis had to have fun sometimes, right?
-----
I regret nothing. :D
I think I ruptured my spleen from laughing so hard. XD
Meanwhile, Izimax is off in her cage, crying. #foreveralone
Keep this up and someone'll have to write your minis shipfic.
"What's the matter with me, Jumper?" Voyd sighed, staring down into his mug. "It seems like no matter what I do, I just can't talk to women!"
"Have you tried just being yourself?" Jumper asked curiously.
Voyd sighed again, this time in frustration. "Yes! But they never seem to just like me for me!"
Jumper considered this for a moment. "Well, I like you for you," he said.
Voyd looked up, his eyes shining. "You do?" he asked breathlessly.
"Yeah," Jumper said, smiling at the other man. "Have you ever considered trying to talk to guys as well?"
Voyd realized he was slowly leaning in towards Jumper. "I never considered that," he said, his voice husky with emotion.
Jumper smirked. "Consider this," he said, and pulled him in for a deep kiss.
23 years old male. Do your worst.
"A true pizza must have the sauce on the bottom. Anything else is… is sacrilege."
Phobos drew himself up and glowered at his opposite number. "You only say that because you have never experienced the majesty of my cheeseburger pizza."
"Majesty?" Sergio Turbo threw back his arm, letting his black cape flutter in the wind. "Travesty is more like it. Your American ways-"
Phobos' shadow seemed to grow as his frown deepened. He folded his arms across his chest, drawing his leather coat in tight. "Be warned, Italian: the wrath of Chicago can be terrible to behold."
"You haven't even tried a proper pizza!" Sergio Turbo yelled, seeming now almost to be surrounded with the glowing aura of righteousness. "If you'd had but a taste-"
"A taste? Hah!" The darkness that surrounded Phobos was deep and layered, much like the pizza he espoused, but it could gain no ground against the rich light of Sergio Turbo. Phobos stalked forward, and the interface between the two forces became a slice of pure radiance. "I would sooner," Phobos ground out, leaning in close, "make out with you, than partake of that empty husk you call pizza."
"Fine, then!" Sergio Turbo cried, and threw himself onto Phobos, his streaming cape cutting a wedge through the air. The pair went down together, a base of darkness with a topping of light, and it was quite some time before the argument resumed.
PIZZA.
“Have I ever told you how I love you?” Huinesoron, the sexiest Elf in this side of the sea, said in Quenya. Her only reply was to wrap herself around him tighter.
The Elven Feet Pole glared at them from the corner of the room, where it leaned on the wall. If it would have had arms, it would have crossed them. I thought you were mine! it seemed to be telling Huinesoron – in Sindarin, of course.
Quenya snorted derisively. The Elf was hers, all hers! It was sweet, sweet victory at last! It surprised her greatly when she felt him leave her warm embrace.
“I am sorry,” Huinesoron was saying, “but seeing the poor Pole out there, all alone, tall and hard, stirs the famous Elvish mercy within me. I must do something.”
And so he went and picked the Elven Feet Pole up. His next step was equally surprising – he thrust it into Quenya before jumping back in himself. “Now we are one.”
***
I blame Iximaz. Well, my head, but also Iximaz.
"Hey, TheShyIon, have you seen my- oh."
It isn't worth describing TheShyIon's normal hair colour, because Iximaz couldn't see it. Nor is it worth describing her normal clothing, because she wasn't wearing it. All she had on was a very skimpy bikini - but Iximaz couldn't even tell what colour it was. All she knew for sure was that her Little Sib was covered, head to toe, in what seemed to be water.
Purple water.
"Oh, um, hi!" TheShyIon whipped her hands behind her back and tried her best to look innocent. "I, um, wasn't expecting you!"
"No, I can-- TheShyIon, what are you hiding?"
TheShyIon bit her lip. "You'll laugh."
"I won't laugh."
"You will. Everyone laughs."
Iximaz pressed a hand over her heart. "My dear TheShyIon, have I ever laughed at you?"
TheShyIon considered. "... yes?"
"That settles it, then. What're you hiding?"
TheShyIon sighed and showed Iximaz the bottle she was holding. It was transparent glass, half-filled with a deep purple liquid. "It's, um, potassium permanganate."
Iximaz blinked. "And you pour it over yourself? Isn't that… dangerous?"
There was a sudden scuffling noise from overhead, and then Huinesoron's head appeared, dangling from a hole in the ceiling. "Potassium permanganate causes severe skin burns, and if absorbed through the skin it can--" He vanished as suddenly as he'd appeared, dragged back into the ceiling, and the girls heard his muffled voice moving away: "Sorry, Hawkelf, but this was an emergen…"
TheShyIon blinked up at the ceiling, then shrugged and returned her gaze to her Big Sib. "I can't help it," she said, hunching her shoulders. "It just feels so…" Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Good."
Iximaz studied TheShyIon for a few seconds. Then she shrugged. "Okay, if that's what you're into. So have you seen my pencil?"
TheShyIon stared at her, startled out of her embarassment. "You're… not going to laugh?"
"I said I wouldn't, silly." Iximaz ruffled TheShyIon's hair, then wiped her hand on her black dress. "But seriously, I need my pencil back."
"I think I saw it over by the computer." TheShyIon quickly tipped a little more potassium permanganate into her hand and massaged it into her hair. "What're you writing?"
"Oh, I'm not." Iximaz strode over to the computer and picked up the pencil in question, then turned back to her Little Sib with a smile. "This isn't my writing pencil," she said, her voice dropping into a low, husky register. "This is my… other pencil."
"Oh." TheShyIon swallowed. "Oh. Um. Oh." She blinked. "Is it… any good?"
Iximaz had already started back to the door. She stopped abruptly and turned to face TheShyIon. "It… well, yes. Why are you asking?"
"I thought…" TheShyIon took a deep breath. "I just thought you might like to… stay here. With me. For a while."
Iximaz studied her again. Then, at last, she smiled. "I knew I was right not to bother with the leather trousers," she said. "So tell me, TheShyIon - does that permanganate really feel that good?"
It's okay, Penny, I still love you best!
Also, you must teach me your ways of magically appearing in people's ceilings.
Darkotas looked at the devastation in his living room. "Tell me... again... how exactly this happened? Because I'm not sure my brain can cope."
"Well, it started with me and Penny having a little, y'know, heart to heart, and it got me to thinking-"
"Always a bad sign," the boy snarked.
"Hush, you, I'm expositing. Anyway, I had this brilliant idea for how to make things a little more, y'know, interesting for us. For both of us. So..."
-/--
The gears whirred into motion. Gleaming, burnished brass meshed and interlocked in perfect harmony. With the soft ticking of clockwork and the gentle hiss of steam, the task was done. Iximaz looked up from her work bench and grinned.
"W H A T I S Y O U R B I D D I N G M I S T R E S S ?"
"Hello, Penny," she replied, a husky edge to her voice. "Mistress, huh? Kinky."
"Y O U G A V E M E L I F E . Y O U G A V E M E D E S I R E S . Y O U G A V E M E A M I N D A N D A V O I C E A N D A L O V I N G H E A R T .
I C A N N O T T H I N K O F A B E T T E R T E R M F O R Y O U , M I S T R E S S .
S O O N C E M O R E I A S K - W H A T I S Y O U R B I D D I N G , M I S T R E S S ?"
"I - oh, Penny, I love you so much! Hold me, hold me and don't let go!"
"B Y Y O U R C O M M A N D M I S T R E S S ."
-/--
"After that, we snuggled for, like, forever, things got a little frisky - oh, don't make that face, you haven't seen what Penny can do - and, um..." Iximaz spread her arms. "This kinda happened."
"And, um, hate to insult your work or the steampunk AI you made out of a pencil, but... is she dangerous?"
"O N L Y I F Y O U H A V E B E E N A B A D D A R K O T A S .
H A V E Y O U B E E N A B A D D A R K O T A S ?"
"Oh, I rather think he has. He questioned my judgement in building you, and that won't ever do. Perhaps..." Iximaz looked at Darkotas, who nodded. "Perhaps a spanking will work the bugs out of his programming, so to speak?"
Penny grinned. "B Y Y O U R C O M M A N D ."
---
What? Something unbelievable about making a steampunk AI for your pencil? Come on, we've all done it. =]
...is that Penny grinned. What or why would a pencil need to be able to grin, and how might that come into play for these punishments?
As to whether Penny has been modified for these types of things anyway, well... I will say NOTHING. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Just look at this thing and tell me it has no ai:
Storme Hawk peered into the room, the lone light source being a computer screen, half obscured by the other person in the room. Shaking his head Storme Hawk moved slowly into the room itself. "You know, you're not the only one who wants to Command and Conquer" He said to the other person in the room.
TheShyIon turned around. "Oh, well I'll just finish this mission then you can come on." she replied, noticing Storme Hawk was shirtless and quickly admiring his torso.
Storme Hawk laughed "Not like that, silly. Come on, I'll show you."
"ooh" TheShyIon giggled, before turning back around to pause the game. "I'm sure the game can wait, right?"
"That depends" Storme Hawk said as he started to walk back out of the room. "Which game are we talking about?"
"Wait, Iximaz, where are we going?" foofooman3 asked his sister as she frog-marched him along a hallway.
"You're gonna meet my other sibling!" Iximaz said happily. "And then you two are going to get along very well, and then the ships will come truuuuue!" She beamed up at him.
"Wait, other sibling?"
"Have fun!" Iximaz unlocked a door, pushed her brother in, and locked the door behind him before he could react.
There was a squeal when TheShyIon threw herself at foofooman3, kissing him passionately. At first, foofooman3 tried to push her away, but she was really pretty. So he kissed her back.
They fell onto the only piece of furniture in the room, a very large and soft bed. You can imagine what happened next.
(I seem to have a preference for crack-crack tics. Also, this image is too big to post here, so... Link!)
But I'm okay with being shipped anyway! *grabs popcorn*
Space travel had a way of changing people. It had unlimited potential for everything from exploration to escape, and a thriving multitude of worlds offered any service under the sun. However, some travelers were not interested in such things. One man traveled with a single goal, a reason to live.
They called him the World-Jumper. He visited each world, never staying for more than a day or two; he was searching for something specific, and each world left him empty-handed. That something was a ship, filled with treasure beyond imagination. It had crashed in an unspecified location eons ago, long enough that others had began considering it a mere myth. The Storme Hawk. But World-Jumper knew the truth, and he would never give up until he had his prize. He followed the stories, determining truth from legend as he traveled. One way or another, he would find the fabled treasure. He would find Storme Hawk. Nothing else mattered.
((Hey, it's a ship!))
Because I've clearly had such an impact here that people were waiting on pins and needles for me to say that.
This is loosely based off a chat conversation that Iximaz and I had during our co-write together. If there's any details I may have gotten wrong, please let me know! This is told from my POV, by the way.
----------
"So, you've played through Omega Ruby?" I asked, my fingers still busily typing. "I'm really jealous - I've never had a 3DS, let alone any of the games."
"Aww, poor you," Iximaz replied, scanning the fic for additional charge-worthy material.
"Luckily, once I get a stable income and take care of necessary costs, a 3DS will be the first thing on my mind, along with either Black or X." I stopped typing and sighed wistfully, hoping I'd be able to escape the authority of my family once I was done with my degree.
"Yeah, those are awesome," Iximaz replied. "I loved the Black and White storylines, and N is a great character."
"One of my friends on DeviantArt made a tickle pic of him once," I said suddenly.
She paused, looking at me with a very bemused expression. "Do I want to know?"
"Hey, if you don't like it, you don't have to ask. To each their own, as they say."
"Yeah, I guess I won't. YKINMK."
"Uh, what?"
"Your kink is not my kink."
"Oh, right. So, what are you writing?"
"A little info about a new agent," Iximaz explained. "His name's Zeb, and he was from my Diamond Nuzlocke. I plan to bring him into the PPC after this."
"Ah, so you're introducing a Pokemon agent as well?"
"Yep. I may or may not have taken a cue from you and Falchion when I made that decision. I'll have you know - when I caught a Skarmory in my Omega Ruby Nuzlocke run, you were the first person who came to mind."
I looked at her, surprised and quite honestly, rather touched.
"I know she was a girl, but I named her Falchion anyway. She was the reason I was able to make it through without losing anyone. Tanked all of the Elite Four members without dying."
I blushed, not knowing what to say.
"When I first caught and nicknamed her, I told her, 'You were named for a badass agent. I hope you live up to that name.'"
My heart fluttering in my throat, I found myself lost for words, and instead typed in, "*joyous armorbirb screeching*".
"Birb?" Iximaz asked, before bursting out laughing.
I hastily deleted the message and said, "It's a Tumblr thing. Intentional mispelling for funny."
"How do I shot web?"
It was my turn to laugh this time as I started typing once more. "More or less," I said - though we both could tell from the blush on my face that I was hiding a little something more.
Being the super active socialite I am, I expect to be paired with no less than ten other people.
Now, if you'll excuse me. *Fades back into the background to plot.*
Huinesoron slammed the door behind him, and locked it. A second later and Desdendelle, Iximaz, and Voyd were attempting to batter it down like Ye Olde Battering Ram, using Caddy-Shack.
. "Huinesoron! Huinesoron! Huinesoron!"
Hearing his fate at the hands of the ravenous horde, he quickly moved to the window to make his escape. Or, at least he would have if Neshomeh hadn't slammed against it, pressing her face into it and clawing at the glass. "Huinesoroooooon..."
"Oh bugger."
Backing away from the window, he made his way to the implausibly large air vent. Before he could celebrate getting to use his expensive escape route, Doctorlit and Phobos appeared from the shadows from within it, trying to force their way out. "Huinesorooooooon!"
Left with little choice, Huinesoron began making his way up the Super Emergency Ladder to the roof. Instead of finding an escape route, all he found was the rest of the Board, having completely encircled his house. Some waved signs with his name on it, others removed their clothes, flashing him. A few even spun pairs of his underpants around in the air.
"Oh BUGGER."
And just as all hope seemed lost... a mechanical whinny pierced the skies as Steampunk!Kaitlyn flew in on her lighning powered jet-horse. "Need a lift, love?" she asked, tipping the most dapper of all hats at him, and offering a hand up.
***
... Huinesoron/The Board, then Huinesoron/Steampunk!Kaitlyn. Clearly the only logical solution.
hS, I need a dapper hat. You must find me a dapper hat immediately.
^_^
hS
I'll just hot glue some gears on it to make it *authentically* steampunk.
You can also add buttons and those little scrapbook keys (you know, the ones that are flat on one side? Makes for easier gluing) for a bit more variety. That's what I did with mine! ...Unfortunately, I haven't yet been able to find any tiny gears yet, so my hat remains incomplete.
"Oh oh oh oh oh!"
Kaitlyn looked up from her work. "Sounds like you're having a good time."
Iximaz glowered at her. "I had an idea, not an- anyway. You could glue some keys to it!"
Kaitlyn looked down at her exceptionally dapper hat. The brass cogs she'd been fastening in place took up all of one side of it, ofsetting the black fabric nicely. "Wouldn't they jam up the mechanism?"
Iximaz chuckled. "Only if you'd made it functional." She shook her head, amused, then saw Kaitlyn's half-hidden smile. "Wait… you haven't…"
"Oh but I have." Kaitlyn reached under the brim of the hat and flicked a small switch. The clockwork on the side began to whir, wheels spinning and interlocking smoothly.
"Sacrebleu," Iximaz whispered as Kaitlyn lifted the hat and placed it carefully on her head. "It's magnificent…"
"And that's not all." Kaitlyn pressed a discreet button on the side of her corset, and gleaming steel rods began to move over its surface, tracing hypnotic circles against her luscious curves. She stood up, held her arms out from her sides, and twirled, letting her long skirt flow outwards. "What do you think?"
"Beautiful," Iximaz breathed. "You're beautiful…" She flushed and coughed. "I mean it. It's beautiful." She let her gaze linger on Kaitlyn's corset for a few moments longer, then lifted her head to make eye contact. Her hand rose to brush over her own chest, her own corset. "Could you… could you make mine do the same thing?"
"Well." Kaitlyn switched off her steampunk attire and cocked her head, considering Iximaz. "Beautiful, did you say?"
"Gorgeous," Iximaz agreed. "Utterly stunning."
"Hmm." Kaitlyn walked slowly across to Iximaz, then reached out to trail a fingernail along the top of the younger woman's corset. "I'm sure I could manage something," she murmured. "But you'll have to take it off first…"
---
"I've, um... I've never worn one of these before."
There was silence, save for some faraway birdsong. Iximaz didn't really know what to do, though; all she could hear was laughter that wasn't there. How could she ever hope to compare against an elf like Kaitlyn?
In response, Kaitlyn stood up and walked very slowly towards her, languorous, gliding steps that made no sound at all. Iximaz just looked down at the floor, blushing hugely at her inexperience.
"I'm sor-"
Kaitlyn held a finger to the human girl's lips. "You haven't been around as long as me. That's fine. Don't you dare be so silly as to apologise for not having done something." With that, she took her finger away and stood closer.
"Okay," Iximaz said slowly. "Okay. I... I can do this. So, does it just, um, slip on?"
Kaitlyn just smiled. "After a fashion. Arms up." Her voice was soft, but still carried an edge of command that made Iximaz's knees weak. A sunbeam drifted through a gap in the curtains, catching the flesh of the human girl's arms as she lifted them up. Kaitlyn's hands were warm against them, gently stroking the flesh before running the unbuckled corset down the length of Iximaz's body.
"Huh. There're fasteners on it, why'd you slide it down me - oh." Iximaz felt the heat of an elvish body so close to her skin the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end. "That's why."
"Yes," whispered Kaitlyn, her breath tantalisingly hot as it drifted across the younger girl's rounded ears. "It is."
More silence followed, save for the slow click-click-click of the corset's fasteners being locked in place. Iximaz almost didn't dare to breathe.
The last buckle was fastened.
"Good girl." Kaitlyn took the opportunity to move even closer, her body pressing gently against Iximaz's. "Now for the lacing."
Iximaz's cheeks flushed an even deeper crimson than before. "Won't it... won't it hurt?"
"No," Kaitlyn whispered again. "I'm ever so careful of my girls."
"Am, am I your..." Iximaz felt something rising in her chest, her heart, her soul. "Do it."
It was gentler than she expected. Iximaz's breath still caught in her throat as the laces were pulled tighter and tighter, the progress glacier-slow up her back, letting her feel the bones of the corset creak into shape. Aside from little gasps with each fresh burst of gorgeous tightness, the room was still silent.
"There now. How does that feel?"
There weren't words in the younger girl's head for how it felt. All she could do, all she could think to do, was turn around and look at Kaitlyn, her breathing slow, her heart pounding.
"Well, Iximaz?"
She leaned up on tiptoe and softly kissed the elf's lips.
"Good girl."
---
Thought I might as well try to do at least one faintly serious shipfic. Apologies if the respective parties think it's no bloody good... and more apologies if it's, er, too good, if you know what I mean. =]
That was... yeah, that was good. ^~
hS
(Yeah, I could basically sit here and read Kaitlyn/Iximaz/corsets all day. Actually... I could pretty much sit here and read Kaitlyn shipfics all day. So I'm quite pleased that she's currently the third most-shipped PPCer this year. ^^)
They're fun and all, but there's a reason I only bust hurdurr pun mine out for my steampunk costume.
Lemme guess: You, me, and Kaitlyn are the leaders this year?
Kaitlyn appears in 11 stories; I'm in 13; you're in a whopping 17. The next person down is Darkotas with a whopping... well, if you count his in-name-only appearance in Tediouser Day, 8.
The only person who's signed up and hasn't yet been shipped is Dragon master 7, though I know PoorCynic only appears in Tediouser Day, and the only person male!Edhelistar has been shipped with is female!Edhelistar. But still! Going pretty well, I think.
hS
PS: I can provide precise figures on who's been less-shipped if someone wants them. My tally currently doesn't include Tediouser Day, because it's hard to know who to count. There's also a couple of stories which've been hard to classify, so, yeah. Counting isn't as easy as it looks. ~hS
That's, um, kind of nuts.
Sorry, I just had to say it.
I'm kind of surprised I've been so popular with this thing, actually!
Huinesoron/Iximaz - I see this as kind of a mentoring-related ship, with the rise of someone to greatness as their lover looks on, proud as can be of how far they've come. I might or might not have been bitten by the plot bunny. And... taken some liberties. I have no regrets. ^_^
~
Huinesoron lounged against the wall, his bulging, muscular arms folded across his equally-buff, shirtless chest. He watched hungrily as his young pupil hacked away at the training post.
Iximaz's long, luxurious mahogany tresses were flying around her head like a halo as she wielded her blade with a near-perfect form. Actually, very perfect, Huinesoron thought to himself, his eyes taking her body.
The sword bit into the post, and Iximaz struggled to pull it free. Huinesoron sighed and moved behind her. Iximaz blushed when the elf wrapped his arms around her, easily pulling the sword free. He handed it to her, not failing to notice the thin sheen of sweat that glistened on her bare shoulders. Breathing heavily, her voluptuous chest heaving, she resheathed her weapon.
"You're coming along nicely in your training," Huinesoron said, a smile gracing his chiseled features.
Iximaz blushed prettily, her coral-pink lips turning up in a tiny smile. "Thank you, master."
"But you could be so much better," Huinesoron continued, as though she hadn't spoken. "If you just... listened more to your instincts..." His hands slid over her shoulders and traveled to the lacings on the front of the human girl's corset.
Iximaz's eyes gleaned as her own hands traced the contours of Huinesoron's bare chest. "But, master, what ever about your wife? And I myself am already in a relationship."
"They won't mind," Huinesoron said huskily, his lips brushing against her ear. "In fact, I passed by them on my way here. The rosebush was shaking quite badly."
Iximaz laughed, and the sound was like the pealing of a bell to Huinesoron's pointed ears. She ran her fingers through his hair even as he tore at her corset, ripping it off and tossing it aside. They fell to the ground in a tangle of limbs, kissing passionately.
~
I disclaim any responsibilities if anyone decides to get busy in a rosebush.
Though I worry about that tangle of limbs we ended up in; seems a bit messy, no?
(Also, hahaha. Swordfighting in a corset. That sounds like... yep)
hS
But Pyrrha can get away with it!
Darkotas was having the time of his life.
His partner lay in the rosebush with him, and as time passed the situation became more and more heated. He looked at the figure intertwined with him - glassy features, curves in all the right places, nothing short of perfect. Huinesoron was a fool to give up a relationship like this for his student. Darkotas leaned in to whisper sweet nothings to his partner.
The teapot in the rosebush said nothing.
Back in his house, Desdendelle stared at the note he found on his bed. "Your teapot is in another castle", it said.
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
Neshomeh burst through the doorway, looking grim. She'd heard the Big No from outside, and surveyed the scene in the bedroom with the exact opposite of surprise.
"You too, huh?" she said to Des. "I came to warn you, but alas, I am too late. That rotten teapot... that painted ceramic whore! She's betrayed us for the last time, I swear it! There's only one thing left to do, and I think you know what I'm talking about."
She met Des' eyes, the lenses of her glasses flashing, and nodded significantly....
(( TBC? I don't know where this is going, so I hope someone else does! ^_~ ))
Darkotas finally arrived home wanting nothing other then to take a nice long nap. However, when he entered his bedroom he saw that was not to be the case. On his bed someone, most likely Iximaz, had left a note and several roses. "Follow the trail of roses and I'll show you something special," read the note.
The idea of taking a nap was instantly dismissed from his mind. The only thing he could think of was what wonders awaited him at the end of the trail.
After a brief walk, Darkotas saw that the roses led into a rather large rosebush. There must be room for two people in there, he thought.
He pushed aside some of the branches to make an entrance for himself and went in, ready for the greatness that must be waiting on the other side. What he saw next made him shake his head and look again.
There, in the middle of the rather spacy rosebush, was none other than Kaitlyn, lying naked on the soft grass. "Come here handsome," she whispered mischievously.
For a while, all Darkotas could do was stare at the sexy woman before him. Finally, he managed to sputter out a few words, "What about Huinesoron and Iximaz?"
"What they don't know won't hurt them," she replied.
With that being all he needed, Darkotas bent down and kissed her, using more tongue than lips. The two lovers then took of Darkotas' clothes very quickly and did very dirty things to each other.
Huinesoron was walking to his next lesson when he heard a rustling that made him stop. His keen elven senses allowed him to find the source with great ease. A rosebush was shaking quite a bit with faint moans emanating from it. He knew that he shouldn't look but curiosity overwhelmed him.
When he peeked inside he stared. There was his wife getting it on with Darkotas. They were too busy to realize he was there. Smirking, he continued on his way.
(You're aware that I planted a camera before continuing on, right? Because how could I not...?)
hS
The black dress... Not so much.
Roses have thorns, though Laburnum did find that Convenient Rosebush in That Series.
There are actually quite a few rose varieties that don't have thorns. Admittedly, I can't tell you which varieties, and I only know this because it was a plot point in a Poirot story, but still. =]
World-Jumper stared into the pool of water. "My god, you're beautiful," he whispered.
The occupant of the pool looked up at him with dark eyes.
World-Jumper turned to the side dramatically. "No, I can't! To touch you would tear my skin, and then -"
The occupant of the pool contrived to look interested while being completely unaware of what was being said.
World-Jumper sighed. "But - you're so amazing. Your electroreception, your elegant curves, your teeth that get replaced every few months... And everyone's so against you, you've gotten such a bad reputation without reason - I can't conceal my feelings any more!" At that, he performed an elegant swan dive into the shark tank at the local aquarium. "There is no way this can go wrong!" he said triumphantly as he tread water. "I regret nothing!"
-------
Well, the ship of WJ/An Actual Shark was too good to pass up. Also I agree to being shipped!
Now, excuse me, as I cuddle my shark.
*snuggle*
"Ssh!" DawnFire hissed at Iximaz. The pair were engaged in shoving along a giant crate... which was snoring lightly.
"It's okay," said Iximaz, and giggled. "He won't wake up until we've shipped him..."
PoorCynic looked on, tapping one foot. "Are you sure you should be doing this?" he asked. "I'm not sure he'd appreciate being shipped off to England..."
"Nonsense," DawnFire replied. "He asked to be shipped. And anyway, Phobos is waiting..."
"...true," the male Boarder admitted. He walked forward and began to help push the create along. "Come on, let's get World-Jumper on the ship already!"
Mmph-ah. Yeaaaaun. Oh. Where am I... Salt water? The hell...
Wood? Box. Wooden box!
HEY! HEY ANYBODY? ARE YOU THERE!?!
HELLO!!
Come on man. Kick. Kick! Harder! Come! On! You! Fat!
That's not working.
Anything else. Don't suppose there's an emergency crowbar in here... What's this?
Good morning World-Jumper!
Sorry about the whole "kidnapping you in your sleep" thing. We knew how much you wanted to be shipped, but when we tried earlier, you struggled too hard! So, for your safety, we knocked you out first. I'm sure you appreciate the irony though, right? You asked to be shipped, so we're shipping you to your ship! We thought it was funny.
Anyway, we're sending you to England. Your partner should be waiting for you. Just, assume a sexy pose for when the box opens. I'm sure you can figure out the rest.
With love,
DawnFire, Iximaz, and PC
...Fracking boarders.
Anyway, yes, another freaking note. I actually do like physical contact like hugs and cuddles. It's just that in this blasted thing called reality, I don't know too many people who enjoy my cuddle bug tendencies.
I love these :) We'll see how much I manage to actually write, but I am completely available to be shipped!
~DF
PS: It may be interesting to note that I speak four languages and wear a silver ring on my left forefinger...
...if only because again, this amuses me. I'd like to see someone try their hand at something between me and Iximaz, especially.
I would prefer to be paired with people who have beta-read for me and/or worked with me on collabs, though, or at least plan to. Better the people I know, after all.
...with the same limitation I said before, no male!Slash. Other than that, you can use any other variation in the book, incluiding =(genderbending+fem!Slash)
Give me the ability to have romantic connections my real life totally lacks! =]
Also:
---
"Curse your overly long elven reach!"
CLANG
"Hah! Stubby little nublet! Think you can take hS from me, do you?"
OTHER CLANG
"I'm darn sure I can take you, you gangly old... oldbie!"
YET MORE CLANG
"That's Permission Giver Emeritus gangly old oldbie to you!"
ER, CLANG-
"Oh, Emeritus, is it? More like meritless!"
EFTER CLANG
The argument continued in similar vein for several hours, neither elf nor dwarf perfectly normal-sized human really tiring from their efforts. As crowbar pinged off elvish blade once more, hS leaned back on his chaise longue and watched the fireworks.
"They do enjoy fighting over you, don't they?"
HS turned to the fan-wielding boy next to him. "Oh yes. It's amusing, but it's... not entirely for me. They're just working up a sweat for their own, ahem, personal gain. Besides, we both know it's not what I really want, is it?"
"That we do," said Voyd, with a distinctly lascivious smile.
---
Short. Cracky. DWI. =]
And I always love watching people fight over me. Even if, er, I'm not sure precisely who is fighting over me. Crowbar... Iximaz, then?
hS is wildly amused (and also keeping a tally, because of course he is)
Also:-
---
Things were just starting to get interesting when hS heard the door slam shut downstairs.
Quick as a flash, he was out of the bed, pulling on his clothes and struggling not to make a sound. It didn't exactly go well, as evidenced by him falling over and nearly bashing his head on a cupboard. The footsteps got louder and louder, faster and faster, closer and closer-
The bedroom door burst open just as hS was finally fully clothed.
"... I should have known it would be him," said Desdenelle, shaking his head. "It always was, wasn't it? I meant nothing to you, I wasn't anything more than a means to get close to him. Well, he can have you and choke on you! Hell, you've probably been choking on him often enough!"
"Des, I-"
"I don't want to hear it." Desdenelle stormed off down the stairs, and the front door banged shut shortly thereafter.
HS turned to the love of his life. "I... I should probably go back to mine. Um. Yeah." With that, he picked up his jacket, gave one last look towards the love of his life, and left the room.
The teapot in the bedsheets said nothing.
I thought we had something really special. 8__8
Well, that does it, then. I'm moving in with French Press. See how you like that!
*storms off*
~Neshomeh
...Why is everyone looking at me like that?
~
Teapot whistled at French Press, who was standing on the counter across the kitchen from him.
French Press would have flipped her hair if she'd had any. As it was, she gave Teapot a disdainful look and hopped several inches away, moving a little closer to Neshomeh as she did so.
"Aww, who's a good French Press?" Neshomeh cooed, giving Teapot a filthy look as she did so. Under her breath, she muttered, "Dirty cheater."
Teapot let the insult slide off his polished ceramic exterior. He'd been with so many Boarders at this point he was starting to lose track. He didn't really mind; all he had eyes for was French Press. Now that was one gorgeous gal.
Neshomeh left the room, and Teapot took the opportunity to hop along the counter to French Press. The coffeepot raised a disapproving eyebrow at him, but when Teapot gave another appreciative whistle, she blushed slightly and moved a little closer, giggling when he poured hot water in her top.
Of course, it was at that moment Neshomeh decided to return. She stopped and stared, horror-struck, when she saw her French Press doing hot beverage-maker intimate things to Teapot.
"No!" Neshomeh cried. "First you, Teapot, and then you, French Press? Why must everyone I love leave me?" She turned and ran off to find Phobos.
"Have I ever mentioned how steamy I think our love will be?" Teapot murmured into French Press' ear. She smiled.
~
I have no idea what I just did there.
The quite literally background ship is there because a, we seem to be writing about ourselves this year (?) and b, because hi, welcome back! Here's to getting you in on the shipping! *hands over Swiss bleepolate as a welcome back gift*
---
"Well, yes," Kaitlyn said, "I could, but why do you even want me to?"
"Well, I like the quote," replied Scapegrace. "And there was mention made of French presses..."
("What is a French press, anyway?" DawnFire whispered to KittyEden. "Is it a coffee thing?"
"That sounds right," the other Boarder said softly. She leaned her head on DawnFire's shoulder. "Shh, now, I want to hear."
The Canadian Boarder ran a hand through her hair, and mimed zipping her lips.)
"I know Neshomeh's the expert," Scapegrace was saying, but I thought...since you also have experience--"
"Oh, I've got experience," Kaitlyn said. She eyed Scapegrace speculatively. "Alright, then," she said at last. "I'll draw you like one of my--well, Neshomeh's--French presses. I don't suppose you can produce hot water?"
"I," said Scapegrace, blushing. "No, I don't think so..."
Kaitlyn shrugged, and stepped closer. "Never mind, then," she said, and smiled. "We'll just have to improvise..."
It was the other person I was unclear on - given that they're not even identified by sex gender pronoun.
(Also, I just noticed Voyd's fan. I choose to interpret this as him fanning me, not himself, and the mental images are hilarious. ^_^)
hS
I think hands-down, the funniest time was when I was sitting in a doctor's office and a little boy, maybe three of four years old, toddled up to me, stared for a bit, then pointed and shouted "Mommy, is it a boy or a girl?"
By the way, Kaitlyn, I could totally take you in a fight. ^_^
. . . yes, I expect you probably could. :P As could . . . ooh, yep, most people ever . . .
"AAAAAAA!"
"Now, now, Stormey, there's no need for that."
"AAAAAAAA!"
"It's only a little crowbar, after all. Barely more than a crow-toothpick."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Seriously. Stop running around before I have to get Darkotas in here to pin you down."
As for the fan, well, I do tend to bow down to the axeman people I recognize as better than me.
I half-want to see a Voyd/Music ship. I've always loved music.
Apologies for the slightly rubbish audio quality and the considerably more rubbish singing quality, but, y'know, it just sort of came to me.
hS/Kaitlyn's song: Forty-Five Years, by Stan Rogers.
Darklordaakmal sat brooding on his throne. From the depths of the fortress came the sound of his orcs hard at work, building the engines of war that would one day sweep the enemy from his lands forever.
The door flew back with a crash, and a wave of shadow swept into the great hall. It shrouded each of the flickering torches in turn, snuffing the life out of them, plunging the room into darkness. Against the volcanic red glow from outside, darklordaakmal saw a cloaked and hooded figure step into the fortress.
"Who dares trespass on the domain of darklordaakmal?" he demanded, rising to his feet. The obsidian of his throne clutched at him for a moment, then yielded, and as he stepped forward the black glass flowed with him, forming itself into razor-sharp battle armour.
"I dare." A dark light seemed to emanate from the intruder as he swept back his hood, revealing a proud and cruel face.
Darklordaakmal's brow lowered in fury. "Darkotas. What is this insolence?" Responding to his wrath, the very walls of the fortress seemed to loom inwards in the gloom, leaning menacingly over Darkotas.
"The insolence is yours." Darkotas came to a halt in the centre of the floor, and the shadow which enveloped him seemed to grow, forming an inky pool that spread slowly across the hall. "This latest decree of yours cannot be-"
"My decisions are not negotiable," darklordaakmal growled, his midnight eyes narrowing. "If you think-"
"If you think you can just-"
"Ooh la la!"
There was a sound of tinkling silver bells, and a shaft of light pierced the hadean night of the great hall. It was centred on a man: a man who was humming cheerfully to himself, a man whose skin seemed to glow as he skipped across the floor towards the pair… a man who was dressed in a French maid's outfit.
With a flounce, Elcalion came to a halt, midway between Darkotas and darklordaakmal. He tossed back his hair and brandished his feather duster. "This is la ridiculous!"
Darkotas looked at darklordaakmal, then back to Elcalion. "I'm inclined to agree."
"Non, non!" Elcalion snapped. "It is you who are ridiculous! Why do you fight and threaten la war when it is clear what you really want?"
Darklordaakmal stared at him. "What I 'really want' is-"
"-to take this gorgeous young man to your bed and let him use you as he will, n'est pas?" Elcalion beamed and flicked up the hem of his skirt. "And so you shall!" He reached around, took hold of the toggle at the collar of his dress, and gave it a dramatic downwards tug.
There was a moment of silence and utter stillness.
"Um - can one of you help me with la zip? I think it is la stuck."
"Sacrebleu!" Iximaz batted Desdendelle's hand away. "Monsieur, you are overbold!"
"But I thought nous were having le orgy!" protested Desdendelle.
"Oui, oui, but nous should still take le time." Iximaz folded her arms primly across her bare chest. "Sacrebleu! Just because I am la naked does not mean you are allowed to la touch!"
"La DawnFire is," Desdendelle said, pointing downwards.
Iximaz followed his gesture. "Oui," she agreed, "but she is not using la hands."
"Ah! Je see." Desdendelle licked his lips. "So you are suggesting that je should not use-"
"You'd better not be planning on getting in le way," DawnFire growled, her voice somewhat muffled. "Madamoiselle Iximaz is la mine."
"Do not fret, ma dear," Iximaz said, stroking DawnFire's hair soothingly. "There is surely enough of la me to go around. Sacrebleu! Even if domirossi decides to join in, je can make la room."
Domirossi looked up from his position in the corner of the room, rolled his eyes, and said something incomprehensible.
"What did he la say?" asked Desdendelle, moving in towards Iximaz.
"Something about 'you're not speaking le French properly'," Iximaz said with a shrug. "Clearly la nonsense. Now then… yes, Desdendelle, right about there…"
Your Hebrew is even more wrong, and your Marain - even more wrong still.
"You know," Huinesoron said, "I don't actually remember using Hebrew."
"Doesn't matter," Desdendelle replied. He waved a hand carelessly. "If you did, it would be terrible."
"I didn't use Marain, either," the Elf pointed out.
"Your Swahili is also a disaster," Desdendelle told him, grinning. He ignored the Elf's latest comment as irrelevant. "And I'd hate to see you try talking to Teapot, I don't think it would end well."
Huinesoron crossed his arms. "Oh, you think so, do you?"
The soldier nodded. "Your French is wrong, your Hebrew is worse, and your Marain is even more wrong than both of them combined--"
"I never actually used Hebrew or--"
"So why should your Tea-Whistling be any better?"
For a minute, there was silence. Then, the Elf said, "I don't think you're quite being fair, Desdendelle."
"Oh?"
"No," Huinesoron said flatly. "In fact, you're being downright cruel."
The soldier only grinned, and spun a teacup around in his hand. "Well, maybe I am...but in that case, what are you going to do about it?"
"This," said the Elf, and moved forward. Several seconds later, the teacup fell to the floor.
"מעולה," Desdendelle said. It came out rather muffled. "Keep doing that."
Huinesoron paused. "...I have no idea what you just said."
"Wow," replied the soldier, laughing. "Your Hebrew really is that bad!"
"שתוק," Huinesoron retorted, and proceeded to make him.
מצוין! פשוט מצוין! אפשר עוד?
Google Translate says "Excellent! Just great! Allow more?"
Oh, Google Translate, don't ever change.
"Don't ever change," Iximaz said fondly.
Google Translate preened.
[Excellent], it wrote.
"Yes, good," said the Boarder. She typed in several more words. "And that means...?"
[Allow more], replied Google Translate.
Iximaz giggled. "I'd be happy to."
---
I'm not actually sure how sorry I am :D Anyway, of course I had to.
(Do I take the prize for weirdest ship so far? Vote now in the poll that doesn't exist!)
~DF
-Devolves into a puddle of laughs-
GTranslate, you so silly.
There's probably a joke to be made about all the cunning linguists in this thread.
"So."
Iximaz trembled as she stood before the dark throne. Admittedly, it wasn't quite as, well, dark as she'd been expecting - it was more of a pastel pink (with hot pink trimmings) - but still: the elf who sat (or lounged) in it was terrifying enough even if he was topless.
"So," Huinesoron said again, fixing Iximaz with a look, "you are… 'Iximaz'?"
Iximaz considered trying to deny it, but knew it would be futile: the eyes of the Eagleshade were everywhere. "Yes, my lord," she said, hearing the quaver in her voice. At that moment, she considered it a personal triumph that she hadn't fallen to her knees in tears.
Huinesoron tapped one long finger on the arm of his throne. "Rumours have reached me," he said. "Disturbing rumours. Rumours that you, Miss Iximaz, have claimed that my French is 'wrong'."
Iximaz's jaw dropped. "You… what?" She snapped her mouth shut as she remembered who she was talking to, but still had to shake her head. "My lord, with all possible respect… it is."
Huinesoron stood in a single graceful movement. His dark cloak (dark pink, Iximaz realised) fell back from his bare chest, fluttering in the air as he strode across the marble floor towards her. "Take it back," he growled.
"No." Iximaz somehow managed to stand her ground. "My lord, threats cannot change the facts."
"The facts?" Huinesoron scoffed. "You don't know the facts. You have no experience-"
"I'm experienced enough to-" Iximaz began, and then paled. She had interrupted Lord Huinesoron! There was no higher crime.
But Huinesoron didn't seem to care. "You have never witnessed my French," he said, his tone ominous. "But you shall." And with no further warning than that, he grabbed hold of the shaking Iximaz's arm, dragged her to him, and kissed her.
The kiss was in no way romantic. It was a demonstration of power and skill, and involved far, far more tongue than Iximaz would have expected. She tried to pull back, but not only would Huinesoron not let her, she didn't really want to. Before long, she was responding in kind, giving as good as she got.
Finally, Huinesoron pulled away, just as abruptly as he had begun. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand, then met Iximaz's gaze. "So," he said, "do you still dare speak ill of my French?"
Iximaz, breathing hard and trembling, looked up at him. "If I say yes," she managed, "will you do it again?"
If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're trying to tell me something.
But seriously, how many times have we been shipped...? *skips off to write more fics*
Assuming you count the two bunkbed stories as separate, and don't count me/everyone. Only two of them were one-on-one, though.
For that matter, you've been shipped with Kaitlyn four times (by the same method). Clearly we should be inviting you to come for a 'visit'!
(Yeah, we won't be doing that. ^_~)
hS
I'd be single-handedly responsible for a divorce. >D
Oh, don't give me that look. It's the logical conclusion.
---
"No, no, no," Kaitlyn said. "You can't just walk in here with a plan like that and expect us not to join in!"
"Actually," Huinesoron began, but he stopped when Kaitlyn gave him a look. "Absolutely right," he said instead. "You can't expect us not to help you with this divorce idea. Er--why are you doing it, again?"
Iximaz shrugged. "Well, I've never been single-handedly responsible for a divorce before. I kind of wanted to try it."
"Why?" demanded the Elf. "What's so attractive about divorcing--" He suddenly noticed that both women were starting at him. "What?"
"He said it," Iximaz whispered to Kaitlyn. "He said the word."
"That's true," said Kaitlyn lowly, "he did. Now, what are we going to do about it?"
"About what?" asked Huinesoron.
Iximaz blushed. "Well, I mean... it is traditional..."
"What is?" demanded the Elf.
Kaitlyn sidled forward, and wrapped her arms loosely around his neck. "Why, sleeping with a married couple before trying to cause a different couple's divorce, of course," she said, and then winked. "But only if the taller half of the married couple uses the word 'attractive'."
Huinesoron eyed her, speculative and skeptical, even as he looped his own arms around her waist. "You made that up."
"Only some of it," Iximaz blurted, coming closer to then. "I mean...okay, most of it. But we've been planning this for a while, now." She rested her chin on Kaitlyn's shoulder, looking up at the make Boarder with wide eyes. "You won't ruin it, will you?"
There was a brief silence, and then the Elf smiled slowly.
"How about we try it," he said, "and you can find out?"
---
Enjoy :)
...er, not meaning anything by that, of course. Wow, you really don't notice your own innuendo until you participate in a shipficfest (or try writing Captain Jack Harkness), do you...
~DF
That's totally the sort of scheme she'd come up with.
(Yeah, innuendo's been a real problem in this thread - if you know what I mean... :D)
hS
To the other shipfics, that is. Why, what did you think I meant? :D
I'll take the compliment, though (serious or no). I do always strive for accuracy...
(I don't know how much of a *problem* it is, really... It's rather growing on me.)
((DawnFire/Innuendo? It sounds very unlikely, or at least unusual, and also very fun...))
~DF
Disclosure: I don't speak French so I haven't the foggiest whether your French is actually wrong, or not.
At least the articles are in the right language...
~DF
First one to write a Des x Tea fic better than DawnFire's fic from last year gets Internet cookies and a bunch of scones.
"Des. Des." Neshomeh had to catch the soldier by the arm as he walked by. "Desdendelle, sit down."
"What? Why? I don't need to sit down." Desdendelle practically vibrated, held in place by the other Boarder. "I'm fine. Forget about sitting..." He pulled free, and walked quickly over to the kitchen counter. Once there, he filled the electric kettle and turned it on.
Neshomeh sighed. "Desdendelle, this is an intervention."
"Oh? What for?" Impatient and jittery, Desdendelle grabbed a mug and filled it with hot water from the giant urn that sat next to the kettle. He dropped in a tea bag and some sugar, and sighed happily. "Ah, there you are, ahuvi...all hot and ready and waiting..."
Both of Neshomeh's eyebrows flew up. "Des," she said loudly. "Desdendelle. Earth to—"
"Mm, tea." Desdendelle inhaled the wonderful scent, and then blinked and looked up at Neshomeh. "Sorry, did you say something?"
"Des," Neshomeh said, exasperated. She sighed. "This isn't working."
"What isn't?"
"The intervention." Neshomeh ran her hands through her hair; one got stuck, and she tugged it free with a wince. "Des, you can't keep drinking so much tea. You barely sleep, you bounce everywhere, you—you're talking to the tea like it's your lover! You—"
"It is my lover."
Neshomeh practically screeched to a halt. "What?"
The soldier smiled at her, and took another sip. "The tea. It's my lover. I'm in love."
The female Boarder screwed her eyes shut and then opened them. Nothing changed.
"Don't worry," Desdendelle said. He patted her arm, grinning. "I'm not against shari--"
"Right," said Neshomeh. "Oh, what was that? I think—yes, that's definitely Phobos calling me. Bye!" And she disappeared in a cloud of coffee grounds.
Desdendelle breathed in deeply, savoring the scent of well-brewed tea.
"Good," he said, and drank some more. He turned to the ever-growing collection of mugs on the kitchen counter, wondering whether it was time to start washing them yet. No, he still had at least three clean ones...borrowing DawnFire's teacups and Neshomeh's coffee mugs had been a good idea, especially since neither of them had figured it out yet.
**
A continent or so away, Neshomeh stopped with her hand on the door to her house.
"That son of an Orc," she said. "That was my NaNoWriMo coffee mug he was drinking from."
Well, she thought as she stepped inside. At least he'd left her Wiki-updating mug alone. She'd brought it with her, and it was still in her hands—
Neshomeh looked down at both hands—both empty hands—and groaned.
Great. Now she had to mount a rescue mission. French Press would leave her, at this rate...
---
I...I'm not sure how sorry I am for this. I will apologize for the line said to the tea, but...I couldn't resist.
Also, Neshomeh has m-dashes because I figure she would. (And different coffee mugs for different activities, because why not? :))
~DF
^^
I'm totally with you on Nesh having specialised coffee mugs; I can already picture the exquisitely neat filing system she keeps them in.
I can also picture Phobos delighting in moving them around while she's out of the house. ^~
hS
Only, now I want to try to outdo myself.
~DF
DawnFire snuggled in against Cassie and looked down over the rural scene before them. "This is nice," she murmured.
"It is a lovely view," Cassie agreed, and DawnFire flushed: she wasn't looking at the scenery at all.
"I think it leaves something to be desired," Scapegrace said, shifting her fan to her other hand and continuing to waft cool air over the pair. "Or something to be taken away."
"There is that," DawnFire allowed. Down in the river, Iximaz was making eyes at SkarmorySilver, who responded by flicking a handful of water into her face. "Does anyone know what they're doing?"
"I'd guess that's Charm on Iximaz's side, and Splash from SkarmorySilver." Cassie chuckled as Iximaz ducked under the spray and dove for SkarmorySilver. "It was certainly ineffective enough… and I guess Iximaz is going for a Sweet Kiss?"
"Not if SkarmorySilver's Defence Curl holds her off," Scapegrace pointed out. Down below, SkarmorySilver ducked away, wading deeper into the river to avoid Iximaz's advances.
"But Iximaz still has Disarming Voice," Cassie disagreed, shading her eyes with one hand and trying to read Iximaz's lips. "I think she might-"
SkarmorySilver suddenly reversed direction, lunging for Iximaz. DawnFire sat up and stared down as the pair plunged into the water. "What was that?"
"Looked like Tickle to me." Scapegrace grinned. "I bet they're having a good time right now."
"Or as good a time as you can have when you're being Pokemon," DawnFire said, shaking her head. "I mean, really, what sort of moves are they going to have that work for… that?"
"SkarmorySilver might have Acrobatics," Cassie suggested. "Or maybe Happy Hour."
"Or Iximaz could use Bounce," added Scapegrace. "Speaking of which…" She waggled her eyebrows.
Cassie looked down at DawnFire. "You're right, that does sound nice. You'll keep fanning us, won't you, Scapegrace?"
Scapegrace scowled, waving the fan harder. "I don't get why I'm stuck with the fan while everyone else gets to use Tackle."
"Because you refused to take your clothes off," DawnFire told her, and leant in closer to Cassie. "So… let's see what moves you've got, my dear."
"But I did take my… oh, whatever. You're not listening anyway." Scapegrace considered for a moment, then shrugged. "At least I still get to enjoy the view."
You kind of had me hooked at the first implication of Pokemon. I'm not sure what that says about me. XD
Which reminds me of this one fic I unfortunately am unable to find. Basically:
Metal of used Harden!
Lickitung used Lick!
Megapode used Harden!
Lickitung used Lick!
Metapod used Screech!
Lickitung used Lick!
Metapod used String Shot!
Pokémon: giving rise to dirty jokes since 1998.
I thought, "Man, poor Metal just can't get it up. Somebody toss him a Blue Candy or something."
But don't ship me far off to China. I don't think I brought my passport along.
Ready to join the fleet, cap'n!
...though I'll be watching this thread because hilarity ensues whenever this thing is brought out.
Have fun, guys!
I'm definitely ok with being shipped.
Now I'm off to write that six-in-a-bunk bed romp!
If one thing can be said about bunk beds, it's that they make for very fun parties.
Neshomeh, Darkotas, and Kaitlyn had claimed control of the bottom bunk and quickly set to work on building an intricate fort by hanging a sheet from the top bunk. Then they dived in, their antics quickly tearing the sheet down, not that any of them minded.
Meanwhile, Huinesoron, Iximaz, and Phobos were having their own fun in the top bunk. Sure, the horizontal space was limited, and it was had to stay balanced due to all the rocking coming from below, but that just made things all the more exciting.
Huinesoron stopped his ministrations to his top-bunk bedmates to lean over the side to watch his sexy wife and her two current lovers. Iximaz and Phobos, now distracted, leaned over the edge as well, watching their respective partners. Suddenly, the bunk tipped over and spilled everyone onto the floor, but they decided to continue on with what they were doing anyway. It was fun to mix things up sometimes. Besides, that wasn't the first time the bunk bed had been knocked over from a wild night.
((Totally, completely, 100% crack and more a warmup than anything. Next one will be a bit more 'serious', no worries.))
I particularly approve of the part with my sexy wife in it. ^_^
hS
of 'the world's hottest elf', but giving descriptions to six people gets tedious.
... but since it's a bit (er, quite a lot) longer, I'm waiting for Darkotas and Neshbosh to confirm they're okay being written about.
hS would say 'is a tease', but under the circumstances that might be misinterpreted...
And that goes for Phobos, too, if I may speak for him.
... "Neshbosh." Sheesh.
~Neshomeh wanders off muttering about silly pairing names.
... has to be given as a link, because it's seven pages long.
Bunk
I made extensive use of the not-quite-an-RP we ended up with in the original thread. ^_^
(I also came to several conclusions about PPC shipping while writing, which I won't go into unless people ask)
hS
Of all the things I could pick from, it just HAD to be Wario. All in all, quite entertaining! ...and perhaps I should choose words more carefully in thread like that. :P
Conclusions about PPC shipping? Please do share!
Basically this: it would be next to impossible to organise an actual PPC orgy. The PPC sense of humour would get right in the way.
Think about it! If Lacksidacksical, OlderThanThou, and Oaken Thorinshield were at a Gathering together, and then this conversation happens:
Oaken: Hey, guys, how about we have an orgy?
OTT: Sounds like fun!
Lacksi: I was hoping you'd suggest it!
OTT: Probably not here, though.
Oaken: Well, no, I was thinking we'd go back to my place.
Lacksi: Ooh, do you have honey and cream? I'm starting to get ideas... no, not really, but then again...
OTT: Personally, I don't think we'd have time to get them out, if you know what I mean.
Oaken: Okay... are we serious about this?
OTT: Of course not! That would be silly.
Lacksi: Ha ha.
How many of them were actually interested in an orgy? We know from the prior thread that it's perfectly possible to have that conversation (with a lot more innuendo) among people who're genuinely uninterested... but how do you spot the ones who are? Everything can be interpreted as straight-faced humour, or as playing along, or as... whatever.
The obvious answer is 'try something physical'... but this is the PPC, we're a bunch of socially-maladjusted types, and I doubt there's more than a handful of us with the self-confidence to risk making a move and having it fall flat.
So it would be fundamentally impossible to organise. Which, given the people involved, is probably a very good thing.
(Most of what sparked this was Neshomeh's parenthetical here. Tell me that can't be read as a 'haha, of course not, how silly, or do you think we should?'. ^_^ Not that I'm impugning Nesh's motives or anything...)
hS
PS: No.
So it wouldn't be impossible. But at that point I'd worry about who was serious (or willing to be serious) all along and who was really just joking but now might feel pressure to go along with the group. Or the inverse... In the example conversation, I kinda get the sense that Lacksi was actually into the idea and her "ha ha" at the end is a bit forced. Poor disappointed Lacksi.
There's an interesting thought in all of this about who's comfortable/confident enough to joke about their sexuality and who isn't, but I don't feel like teasing it out at the moment. Nor is this necessarily the right time or place for it. *shrug*
~Neshomeh
Yeah, you're probably right. I'm... well, I was about to say I didn't think anyone would let themselves be unintentionally pressured into an orgy, but come to think of it... yeah, we've had at least a few people who would go along just so they wouldn't look silly.
The reverse is obviously less of a concern in this case - yes, poor Lacksi, but if any one of the others didn't actually want to then she wasn't getting it, whatever happened - but in less extreme circumstances, it could definitely come up. 'We don't really need to get lunch, do we?', or, 'I guess we'll just wander around, if no-one can think of anything better'.
(And no, this probably isn't the place to be having intellectual discussions about the psychology of sexuality... people might get the wrong impression. Sorry if I've accidentally made this part of the thread uncomfortable, I didn't intend to)
hS
Not just about the PPC, but about anyone in general. How do you know of they're serious or kidding?
Also: Drat.
>D
... don't go in for taking the ridiculous seriously to anything like the extent PPCers do. Any group could probably have a short conversation about that; most probably couldn't drag it out to any length; very few could sustain it over multiple encounters. But I can absolutely imagine a week-long Gathering where that sort of joke-flirtation stays there the whole time.
Also: oh, no, you don't trick me back into that conversation that easily. Tut, tut.
hS
"But I don't know how to talk to girls!"
"Ah, no, see, that's where you're going wrong." Huinesoron leant back in his chair and peered at Voyd over steepled fingers. "You don't need to talk; you need to act."
Voyd actually stopped his fretful pacing and stared at Huinesoron. "Act? Like… a play?"
"... no." Huinesoron sighed. "Look. Imagine she walks through that door right now. What do you do?"
Voyd bit his lip. "I, uh-"
"Wrong." Huinesoron flicked a hand out dismissively. "The correct answer is, you kiss her."
"I… kiss her?"
"Now you're getting the idea." Huinesoron cocked his head. "Or just repeating things mindlessly, I suppose. Let's see… then you turn into a crocodile."
"I turn-?" Voyd managed to stop himself. "I mean… kiss her how?"
Huinesoron rolled his eyes. "With… your… mouth." He chuckled at Voyd's expression. "And I'm not talking about a peck on the cheek, either. I expect there to be tongue - lots of tongue."
Voyd flushed slightly. "I, uh, um, right. And then what?"
Huinesoron stretched his arms over his head. "That depends on how she takes it." He counted the options off on his fingers. "If she pushes you away - unlikely, but always possible - you should apologise and leave. If she seems vaguely interested, but not really into it, you should grope her a bit."
Voyd spluttered and nearly lost his balance. "I what?"
"Feel her up. Fondle her." Huinesoron waved one hand expansively. "Touch her in places you wouldn't normally touch someone. Do you need a list?"
Voyd stared at him. "I… are you serious?"
"Well, I'd have to write it on the spot, but that's no problem-"
"No, I mean… you actually expect me to… to molest her?"
"Expect? No." Huinesoron grinned as Voyd sighed in relief. "It's an option for if she's not very interested, but she should be. In which case, you should take her clothes off."
Voyd had started pacing again as Huinesoron was speaking, and this time he did fall over. As he levered himself up off the floor, he was spluttering with something between disbelief, bewilderment, and outrage. "You what?"
"I recommend starting with her top." Huinesoron's expression was calm and composed, his voice thoughtful. "After that, you'll have to play it by ear. You could take your own t-shirt off, but that might look a bit self-centred. You could go for her bra, which would make it easy to switch back to 'molesting' if you want to, but they're tricky if you don't have the practice. Or you could take off her trousers, but it might look like you'd lost focus."
Voyd's mouth was hanging open, and his eyes seemed to bulge out of their sockets. "You… you… I… you…"
Huinesoron cut over him in that same contemplative tone. "Ultimately, the goal is to get you both naked. Whether you try and make that simultaneous, or spend some time on her before you focus on yourself, is up to you - and her, I suppose. After you've both got your clothes off, that's when-"
The door creaked open, and Kaitlyn stepped into the room. Her long black hair was pulled back into a tight braid, and there was a smile on her face as she nodded first to Huinesoron, then to Voyd. "Hello, boys. Things going well?"
"Aha! Hi, love." Huinesoron beamed at her. "We were just talking about you…"
... if my dad wasn't recovering from surgery.
Also, this is perfectly accurate. Sputtering and confusion would indeed be prevalent, were I in this situation. I also pace a lot, I do sometimes Metal Gear a bit to confirm that I've heard people correctly...
Are you psychic?
((Ah, I see you've played the Twin Snakes. I have the original - the controls are more awkward, but it has a sort of charm to it in the differences.))
...but YouTube is a wonderful thing, isn't it?
Darn. Still, it's a wonderfully cinematic series either way, and has one of the best stories in gaming IMO. If you ever get a chance, try one out sometime! I recommend going in order of release if possible, or playing at least MGS3 if not.
I have missed this. :D
