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... but it actually goes back to the early stages of the Board/Chat divide.

This would have been late '05, early '06, when it was becoming increasingly obvious that something was rotten in the Chat. (This isn't the IRC, but the one before it - the Wiki says Bravenet.) It had started out fun, but it had gradually developed its own, separate culture, with - shall we say - a distinctly higher rating than the Board.

I forget who it was that first coined the Boarder-in-Existence backronym (I wanna say Newmoon?), but I do remember having a conversation with her about it on MSN. It wasn't discussed on-Board, but her goal in coming up with it was to deliberately draw a line between the Board and the collapsing Chat. It meant that 'time in the Chat' didn't, in some sense, count - if you introduced yourself here, wandered off to the Chat for a year, and then tried to post on the Board again, you'd be a returnb(oarder)ie, not an oldbie.

It was subtle, it was clever, and given the Bravenet chat's vanishing in '06 or so, I think we can say it worked.

Any speculation about my own use of -bie terms, and how it ties into the timeline of the IRC's rise and fall, is left as an exercise to the reader.

hS

"Ruby chocolate: it's made from the Ruby cocoa bean. It's said to be neither milky, nor bitter - it's reportedly very light, fruity, and Angus Kennedy from confection outlet Kennedy's Confection even stated that it even acted as a palate cleanser, as it left the palate feeling "refreshed"."

AND

"Ruby chocolate has been tested and validated through extensive consumer research run by independent global research agencies Haystack and Ipsos in the UK, US, China and Japan.

As part of these studies, Ruby’s consumer appeal and purchase intent have been tested, indicating consumers would buy Ruby chocolate at different price points."

You can wind her up by using words longer than two letters. =]

Feel free to use xXthoth999Xx as well! Remember, his writing may vary in quality, but no matter what, he never knows canon properly.

And in a writing community like ours, great storytelling covers a multitude of sins.

hS

Nova, you do realize that it's not inexplicable that Sabaton songs match up with SF/F, right? It's perfectly explicable.

[Put on Internet Historian hat]

Well, I can't verify that first part, but the negative connotations surrounding newbies trace their roots all they way to the origin of the Internet itself, with Newbies blamed for just about anything. Any large enough community will develop its own newbie mythology.

On Usenet, this manifested itself in manners such as the "September" meme (although they were not called that at the time), seguing into the idea of the "eternal september", and a burning hatred of AOL, among other things. On 4chan, it's Summer and the summer[CENSORED], as well as other new[CENSORED], and constant demands on blatantly new users to "lurk moar". In many gaming communities, it appears as general attacks on "noobs", and a general expectation that they will complain about "hacking".

But in every community large enough, you should expect disdain for anyone foolish enough to reveal, either explicitly or through their mannerisms, that they are new.

You can wind JayBird up just by using words longer than two syllables. ^_~

hS

What's he doing in the Badfic Games, then? ;)

hS

He's a talented author with a couple of really obvious fetishes and a total disregard for inconvenient things that would get in the way of his shipping and indulging in those fetishes, such as canonicity and characterization. =]

AN: Thanks to every single one of my reviewers! It's always nice to see what people think, and indeed that they think, which (as demonstrated by JayBird, brandywine_baby, and so forth) I think we all agree is such a rare joy. I should like to give particular thanks to Lemony Eggnog, who gave me cause to think about this chapter in more detail. Blame them, therefore, for its lateness, or thank them, depending on your outlook. =]

The usual disclaimer applies. I own none of the characters, only the instinct to have them start sweatily boinking in a tub full of orange jelly, which I'm reliably informed is perfectly normal and natural and won't send me to Hell. =]

Content Warning: This fic is rated Mature, or 18 in civilised countries. If you're under the age, don't read it. If you're under the sea, please do, but please also try not to electrocute yourself, it rarely ends well for anyone involved. =]

===

It vas beink several veeks after zer Trollenfischenpolyculen had formed, und zey had not been idle, mein goodness no. Zere had been many discussions on zer nature of beink, zer pressink cosmological und psychological issues of zer day, und how best to be gettink orange-flavoured jelly out of zeir hair und clothink. Zere had even been ein mission, vhich ve vill not be goink into today, but suffice it to be sayink zat zer upshot vas zer Suvian in qwestion had been usink sexual energies as ein power source for his attacks, und zerefore zer Doktor und his harem had spread him thinly over ein vide area.

Zey decided vun fine mornink to be goink to Rudi's bierkeller vunce again, for it vas beink zer easiest vay to seat everyvun around ein table vizzout everyvun endink up under, on top of, or wrapped around it. Also zer Doktor had been beink in contact vizz BM und ein booth capable of containing zer horde of bouncing jiggleblimps had been constructed, apparently vizz zer aid of ein chainsaw, vhich vas ein boon to all concerned. Zer group toddled amiably (und, it must be beink said, not alvays in ein straight line) until zey vere arrivink at zer bierkeller, but vere beink most shocked to find zat zeir newly-minted booth vas beink occupied!

Zer Doktor took zer lead, floppink gently over to zer seated figure, hunched over ein glass of somezink zat vas smellink like ein bucket of turpentine vhich had been beink hom to ein dead goat for several veeks. "Hallo, mein freund. Are you beink alright?"

Zer figure, who vas upon closer inspection female, looked up at zer Doktor over her glass of nonspecific brain killing juice. "Nein, I am not beink alright. I am not even beink slightly right. I am havink ein... problem."

Zer Doktor looked at her thoughtfully, vhile zer Aviator fished in ein pocket for anuzzer strip of pink leatherette und some pointy qwills. "Ja, zhere's ein lot of zat goink around at zer moment."

"I am seeink zat, but it ist not ein problem of jubbular fulsomeness, even zo I am possessed of ein pair of bristols zat are makink Pamela Anderson be lookink like ein ironink board vizz ein couple of peas glued to it. Nein, mein freund, mein problem ist vizz vhat ist underneath mein boobies."

"... If zer redness und veepink persists past three days, I must be urgink you to consult zer Medical Department vizz immediate effect-"

"Mein heart, mein small, pink freund."

"Ah. I am seeink."

Zer Aviator stuffed zer pink leatherette strip back in zer pocket with ein barely audible harrumph.

"Ja... I am believink zat you genuinely are seeink. But zhen, you must be beink zer notorious Doktor Trollenfisch, righter of wrongs, slayer of Legendaries, und creator of harems zat cater to ein peculiarly specific fetish. It ist beink easy for people to open up to you."

"Zat ist definitely zer case," replied zer Doktor as he reminisced about exactly zat. "Perhaps I can be beink of assistance in zis matter?"

"Perhaps you might."

"Vell, first I vill be needink to be knowink your name, meine kleine Saddendrunkenmädchen. I am thinkink zat zis ist beink integral to proceedinks."

Zer Agent knocked back zer rest of her drink, vhich vas blessed relief to everyvun vizz nostrils. "Dawn McKenna."

"Ein pleasure, Agent McKenna! Zo, ve must be seeink vhat zer problem ist beink! Ist it beink ein affair of zer love vhich ist beink unreqwited, or unsuitable, or simply strange und latexy?"

"Ist latexy even beink ein vord?"

"Look at zer rest of zer script, are you thinkink zat vhether or not somethink ist beink ein vord really matters to zis author?"

"Point. Vell zhen, I suppose I must be tellink you. I... am beink in love. Vizz ein Pokémon."

"Ach, ja, I am certainly havink some experience vizz zat."

"You know, I vas somehow able to be guessink zat." Zat vas zer first time in zer whole conversation zat zer Doktor had seen Dawn smile. "But ja, it ist not beink you, mein Doktor. It ist beink old partner of mine. He ist beink zo soft, und zo fluffy, und I am just vantink to snuggle him for days at ein time!"

"Vait," interjected zer Aviator, "you aren't meanink Zeb, are you?"

Dawn just vent bright red, vhich vas normally vhat happened vhen zer Aviator talked to people, as vell as traffic accidents und nosebleeds.

"Meine kleine Saddendrunkenmädchen, I must be beink honest vizz you: I am not seeink zer problem here. If you are beink in love, vell, you must be tellink him. Fortune favours zer bold, mein Freund, as long as zey are beink ein physical tank vizz ein decent Special Attack stat."

"Ach, Doktor, it ist not beink zo simple," said zer Aviator, her pleather corsetry glintink in zer light of zer bierkeller. "Zeb ist not beink into vomen of any species, let alone humans."

"Ahh, I am seeink now. Truly, zis ist ein Biggenstickyvicketen."

"Isn't zat zer veird bedroom activity zat vas recently banned in Albania by zer relevant ministry?" Dawn asked.

"I am not beink able to comment on court cases zat are currently ongoink," zer Doktor replied shiftily. "Regardless, I am thinkink zat you must be tellink your crush how you are feelink. Even in zer event of rejection, it vill be beink ein veight off your mind. Love ist not alvays sexual - stop sniggerink at zer back, meine kleine Funkelndeblutsaugermädchen, I can still be hearink you - und zer love of ein close und dear friend can be beink just as satisfyink as zer love zat ist involvink zer sqweaky inflatable mallet und zer host of honkink great bazoongas bouncink around like zer Kentucky Derby if it vas space hoppers instead of horses. Love ist love, meine kleine Saddendrunkenmädchen, und love ist beink zer highest good."

"Zat ist certainly beink ein lot to think about," said Dawn after ein vhile und ein other drink zat smelled of zer death of livers. "Aviator, vould you be zo kind as to arrange ein meetink vizz Zeb? I am thinkink zat zer two of us are soon to be havink ein lot to discuss."

Zer Doktor grinned hugely as zer Aviator fetched ein phone. "I am only havink vun think to be sayink to zat, meine kleine Lessensaddendrunkenmädchen."

"Vhat ist zat beink, mein Doktor?"

Zer Doktor's enormogrin spread even further across his face-analogue. "Echt klasse!"

TO BE BEINK CONTINUDE AT SOME POINT IN ZER FUTURE!

Picture this... A great city stands besieged, it's outer defences lie broken and it's few defenders are tired after so long fighting. Everything to the east of this city has been either captured or destroyed by the great army that has come from even further east, sparing no one. The city has called for allies and yet none have arrived. Today the enemy are so close to breaching your final layer of defences and destroying all that you hold dear when, to your surprise a loud horn echoes across the plains. From the north comes a great army of allies, all united in their quest to help defend your city and defeat this great army from the east.

If you stood with these allies to the north you would see that numerous though they were, they were still not numerous enough to outnumber your foes. But still they march towards them, utterly fearless. The enemy from the east turns some of their forces to meet your allies while the rest try to break your defences one last time. You stand strong, emboldened by the sight of your allies arriving. Whilst your allies infantry push against the enemies, you notice on a hill a large gathering of cavalry forces, the largest gathering of cavalry forces ever known to man. Led by their king the cavalry force charge into the enemy breaking their positions and making them run for their lives. You sally forth to meet your allies and succeed in utterly routing your foe and saving the West.

Almost sounds like the Battle of Pelennor Fields does it not? Except it is not. The year is not 3019 of the Third Age it is 1683, and the city? Vienna not Minas Tirith. For on this day 334 years ago the Polish Winged Hussars lead the largest cavalry charge of all time (18,000 men) to break the Ottoman Empire's forces and relieve Vienna from the two month siege it had found itself in. That is not to say the Holy Roman Empire did nothing, their infantry were vital to push the Ottomans back and their cavalry charged alongside the Winged Hussars.

But overall the battle of Vienna, and indeed the entire centre of Europe and possibly beyond could have been lost to the Ottoman Empire. Then the Winged Hussars arrived.

Novastorme

'Bie' coming from 'Border-in-Existence' is a backronym; the actual history is much more interesting. Pronounced Bee-yeah (yup, you've been saying it wrong all this time, just like 'meme'), it comes from the Albanian word for a decline or collapse. (I think it came into English by way of a tiny failed Soviet era revolt - instead of things like the Prague Spring, Albania had the Bie Revolt, which lasted about two days. But don't quote me on that, we might have had it earlier.)

Its usage on the internet was, as you say, first in 'newbie'; it literally means 'everything is rubbish because of the new people'. The idea is that the presence of the new causes the decline which was the original meaning of the word - thus, 'oh no, more newbies!' (remember that one? Ah, the heady days of flash animation...).

The extension of its use in the PPC to 'oldbie' and 'returnbie' is partly self-effacing joke - 'we all make things rubbish, not just the new people' - and partly an attempted reclamation of the term. Just like we're trying to make the world of fanfic a better place, we will make being a -bie - old, new, or return - something to be proud of, not ashamed.

hS, oldbee-yah

aaaaaaat?

So, uh... when you say 'a specific cocoa tree', do you mean a specific breed, or, like... one tree?

What I'm getting at, is this going to be another sea silk thing, where the closest you'll ever come to it is that there might be an example somewhere three countries over? Or is this something we might actually be able to buy (and for less than the price of a space shuttle)?

hS

((I can conceive of no arguments against an actual PPC OFU using Badfic Game authors as victims students. None whatsoever.

((hS))

I showed this to a guy in my drama class and he stared at it for ages and then told me "it looks like soap".

Thanks, drama guy.