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Androia: I can do that? How did I do it? Who is Monty Python? And what is this entity with the many heads? I would ask Hieronymus, but somehow he vanished?

Hieronymus: The creeping factor is increasing. I wanted to get away from Androia, how come I always run into her? She kept me awake all night with this silly Monty Python game, and I don’t even know how she knows Monty Python. I’m going to roll up in some corner and get a handful of sleep now. Oh, by the way, the sponsor who sent me clean water and medical supplies during the qualifier was more helpful. Just saying.

HG

Gremlin: She's sitting down in some random room on top of what looks like an impromptu nest made of camouflage clothing. As she speaks, she idly rotates her hatchet in one hand. On one side of the head are the crudely etched words "GRASS GROWS, BIRDS FLY." On the other side, it says "SUN SHINES, AND BROTHER, I HURT PEOPLE."

My teammates are gone, apart from that weird hologram. My best friend is gone. My chest still hurts. I'm annoyed, tired, and hungry. Seems to me that the best way to fix all that is to wrap this thing up as fast as possible. The explosives definitely helped in that regard. I hope I can find another stash somewhere. Or Medical. Finally finding Medical would be great.

Holo-Acacia: I have now become very efficient at both stealth and theft actions! This has both increased my overall chance of survival and my overall chance of obtaining an personal hatchet.

Marina: Playing a piece for the reigning champion so I am allowed to live? I'm actually surprised she let us go. She must have been really bored.

Day has been quiet too, once I followed this hydra and Sergio. They were threatening enough to keep other opponents at bay, but were not able to know I was there. Seven heads and one veteran, and you cannot spot one person? I cannot understand how they're still there.

The Librarian: "one by one the frail humans fall... but it is clear that my next target is the disgusting creature that... no, sorry, this is too disgusting. I signed up for virtual death, not for sexual advances by a snake. Can I get my time back?"

Zeb: *shaking like a leaf* "E-explosions. It h-had to be exp-plosions. I th-think I need to g-go to FicPsuch..."

Charlotte: "Well, that was a totally bogus death. Guess that's what I get for being so hungry I can't even think straight. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find some Sues to eat."

1) The "leaf in mouth" thing has been the official thing for a while now. Since 2014.

2) James Potter in his youth was indeed a prat.

Dangit, I was having a lot of fun writing him in this. Alas that this will be the last time.

Derik: That lying warlock told me he could fix my leg, but we had to maintain physical contact for the magic to work. More fool I, I believed him. Eventually I nodded off, and that's when he must have slipped away. Should've killed him when I had the chance.

Oh, this? Don't you know music when you see it? I dreamed it. I'm not usually much of a composer, but it wouldn't get out of my head until I wrote it down, and there's nowhere else to write.

Mirrad: It seems it was not my fate to win this time. Still, I believe I did well, and never once resorted to violence.

Incidentally, Agent Luxury is a very misunderstood young lady. I explained that I had taken a vow of chastity, and that was that. She is quite charming company, albeit odd.

Elms: I am so happy to be with people again, you have no idea. I know I should be killing them, but I just can't right now. I even made out with Lux a bit—you don't have that on camera, do you? Come on, do you?!

Are you telling me that James "I get bored so easily that I have to bully other kids" Potter managed to not only carry a leaf in his mouth for a whole month without spitting it out, but also consistently said the same incantation twice a day after that? Are you serious? (Har, har.)

... frankly, I'm going to have to assume the first thunderstorm was one day after the potion was made. Also, that he probably got Wormtail to do the whole leaf thing for him. "Sirius, does it actually say it needs to be your own mouth...?"

hS, who read the last two Potter books and didn't like James much at all

Nothing like a crossover that ruins the canon timeline with a sue that has wings for honsetly no reason.

So, the new e-books from Pottermore are out two or so days ago, and... as you can expect they're 80% texts we've already been given for free, with only two out of thirty-six being new ones. Those being the biography of Horace Slughorn and... explanation on Animagi, with a complete process of becoming one!

Now, this is a direct translation from Polish, since I haven't seen English version:



To become an Animagus, you need to be skilled in both Transfiguration and Potions. The following instruction, if followed thoroughly, shouldn't provide any negative outcomes, both physical and mental:

1. For an entire month (from one Full Moon to another), you have to hold a mandrake leaf in your mouth. You can't swallow it, or remove it. If the leaf it out, the whole process has to be started again.

2. During the second Full Moon, take the leaf out and put it (with saliva) in a small crystal vial, exposed to the moonlight (if the night is cloudy, you have to pick a new leaf and repeat Step One). To the moonlight-exposed vial, you need to add one of your hair, a (silver) spoonful of dew picked from a place untouched by sunlight or human for seven days, and a pupa of Greater Death's Head Hawkmoth. Hide the whole mixture in a quiet, dark place and don't disturb it until the next thunderstorm.

3. While waiting for the storm, every day repeat the following procedure: At sunrise and sunset touch your heart with the tip of your want and chant the words: "Amato Animo Animato Animagus".

4. Waiting for the thunderstorm may take weeks, months, years even. During this whole time, the crystal vial should be left completely undisturbed, and untouched by sunlight. Sun contamination can lead to some horrible mutations. You should also fight the temptation of opening the vial and looking at the potion, until you see lightning outside. If the sunrise-sunset incantation is done correctly, there will be a moment when - after touching your heart with your wand - you will hear an additional heartbeat, sometimes stronger and sometimes weaker then the original. If that happens, it means there's no turning back: the sunrise-sunset incantation should be repeated with no slip-ups at the right time, and never be skipped.

5. As soon as you spot the first lighting on the darkened sky, immediately go to the place where you hid the vial. If you followed the steps correctly, inside you will find a blood-red potion, enough for one gulp.

6. It is important to move to a large and secured area, where the Animagus transformation won't raise panic or won't risk your health. Touch your heart with your wand, repeat the incantation: "Amato Animo Animato Animagus" and drink the potion.

7. If everything went right, you are going to feel a burning pain and hear intense beating of two hearts. In your mind, a shape of an animal will appear. This is the animal you're gonna turn to in a moment. You must show no fear. It is too late to stop now.

8. The first transformation is usually uncomfortable and scary. Clothes and accessories (glasses, jewelry, etc.) are melting into your skin, becoming fur, scales, or spikes. You shouldn't fight or resist this change, otherwise the animal's mind may take over and do something stupid, like escape through the window, or charge at the wall.

9. When the transformation end, you should feel comfortable physically. You should remember to hide you wand beforehand in a safe spot, to easily find her when you return to your human form.

10. To transform back into human, you need to visualize yourself as one. That should be enough, but you should panic if it doesn't happen immediately. When practiced, the transformation will occur as soon as you conjure the image of the animal or human in your mind, without the need to use a wand.

Usually, witches and wizards prefer to transform with their clothes, to avoid the embarrassment of nudity, although sometimes they let them stay to pretend taking a bath. The longer the witch or wizard practices their Animagus transformation, the easier it is to choose the method of changing with or without clothes.

The Animagus' animal form is usually the same form their Patronus takes. There are no recorded cases of the Animagus form changing to adapt to a changed Patronus. Then again, there are so little wizards capable of producing a Patronus AND transforming into animals, the research lacks data.



And... I guess that's it. We have the instruction now.

Falchion: ZEB, NOOOOO!... Anyway. Well. Who knew RCs had stocked fridges? Lucky break, I guess! Though I seriously have to question hiding out with Luxury of all people. I mean, knowing her, uh, reputation...

Whitney: Finally, a decent weapon! With luck, somebody's going to get fit very soon. In a coffin, that is!

Whitney: I have. SO many questions. I was concerned that people would not want to have anything to do with me due to my... track record... but it's good to hear that this was not the case. Gall was surprisingly high-spirited and understanding throughout our conversation, and it's sad to hear that she had her accident later. And as for Marina, I have to give her props for reminding me to keep my head in the game, because otherwise, I would've been too distracted to think about not dying. Ironic, huh?

(Falchion was too incoherent for a proper interview due to two whole days of starvation.)

Ajax is seen crying over the corpse of Levy, having positioned her body for funeral rights.

Ajax: I'm gonna kill them, every last one of them.

Levy (Sobbing): I'm sorry *sobbing noises* I'm so, so sorry.

She continues the sobbing and the apologizing.

Matthew (Sitting with Levy, comforting her): It's Ajax's worst nightmare.

Nickul (Doing the same): I can only imagine how she feels.

(Earlier) Mr. Librarian, I commend your job in dispatching me. Tripping me up and shooting me in the eye was an excellent method of getting past my scales.

[For those who forgot, Levy and Ajax were former partners, a Sue got the better of them, Levy almost died, losing her wings in the process]

From a hidden holo-deck, high in the mountains of New Caledonia… the PPC's ONLY TV station broadcast live to your console… this… is NTV.

Day three of the PPC HQ Hunger Games. The cannons have fired, nine times more. And not a single district remains.

That is a bald-faced lie. We haven't had a single district eliminated yet.

Fine: not a single district remains untouched. All are marred by death - and by the vile scourge that is hatchets.

It began with a death: Agent Library's, at the hands of Gremlin. No, not at Gremlin's hands - at the blade of her hatchet, carved and graven with the words of war. And from that act of murder, new hatchets came forth: one to Nikki in the depths of the night, one for Apollo in the bright morning, and four, four twice-damned hatchets in the heat of the day: to Michael, to Mia, to Whitney, and to Nikki once more.

Yeah, he's kind of cracking up, I'm afraid. Soon he's going to be scribbling on the walls like Derik, or wandering at random like Will or Peregrin today.

I know now how the Canon Librarian feels; for he has sought his Library all through the games, only to see it found by Ajax in his place. 'Tis no wonder he wrought such violence upon Androia and Charlotte when they dared approach him.

Seriously, they portalled into his and Mia's camp and got shot; you'd think he hunted them down with a spear the way you're talking. You're being as ridiculously dramatic as Steve, Elms, Levy, and Marina in those plays they were putting on overnight. I mean, if you had to pick a worthy audience in the arena, Champion Lola or Sergio the Avenger would be it, but…

Drama, you call it. But was not Steve's performance a premonition of his own demise at the Librarian's unfaithful hands?

Not really. Unless you mean 'dying on stage'. Look, do you mind if I take over?

I most certainly do mind.

Then pull yourself together.

… fine. Ahem. Speaking of 'together', last night was a night for romance: Derik and Will held hands all through the night, and we here at NTV had quite a few bets on which seduction attempt would succeed: Hieronymus and Michael, or Kyaris and the Librarian.

I was backing the hydra. Never bet against a hydra.

But this is the Hunger Games, despite how much Hop ate during the night, and the Hunger Games aren't about love - they're about death. And death we had aplenty-

Oh, don't start that again.

Three died during the night: Library, Androia, Charlotte. But after day began, the death toll just rose and rose. Gremlin made good use of her explosive stash, taking out Mirrad and Zeb and bringing her tally up to three. Levy, having concealed her injuries from all, finally bled out.

Not that we know for sure she'd hidden anything. It was too well hidden.

VJ sought solace in the Fountain of Bleepka, but it drew her down into its watery depths. And as previously mentioned, the Librarian feigned friendship with Steve and Nickul, only to cut them down where they stood.

So 22 of our tributes remain, locked in their arena of woe. What sorrow is theirs? What pains will they suffer, ere-

That's quite enough of that. I think the advertisers have a little suggestion for you. We'll be back after the break with interviews.

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Art thou afflicted with the speech patterns of Shakespeare? Dost thou find thyself unable to come to a point, though all the leagues of badfic stand arrayed against thee, and thine the only plan? Canst thou declare thy affections only in verse, and thy sorrows in wretched pentameter?

Behold, for thee is laid on a cure the like of which has ne'er before been seen! Hie thee unto the General Store, and bid the merchant bring to you YO WATEVS DUDE. Partake with thy meal, and verily, thou shalt find the trappings of former days washed away, and thy speech become plain as… as… as… well, I can't say what as! I've just taken it myself, you see. Laters!

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It's all in the doc. Currently, Gremlin, the Librarian, and Gall (deceased) are tied for most kills, on three each. We'll see how that changes as the games go on.

And keep up the interviews! I'm loving reading them all as we go along.

hS

This isn't a game about seeing your agents do things they'd normally do - it's a game of seeing the RNG make them do completely ludicrous stuff, and then seeing how you can rationalise it. In the Day 3 report, Kyaris tries to seduce the Librarian. Can you see that happening, in any reasonable world? Me either. But the RNG decreed it, and I must acquiesce.

I think the two of you came up with an absolutely fantastic explanation for the 'suicide pact', for what it's worth. Brilliantly played. [Thumbs up]

And I also think Holo-Acacia is my favourite interviewee of the games.

hS

The Canon Librarian: "Found something to read. It was a death threat from Building Maintenance. I didn't think they were even in here?"

Steve Dimond: "I guess there's a chance I might win this? I've tried to make friends, y'know - Apollo was fun last night, and today I hung out with VJ and Hop. I dunno, though; there's some pretty ruthless agents in here."

Luxury: "Hmm-hmm-hmm... I've got a plan, you've got a plan, all the sexy agents got a plan..."

Kyaris: "Today has been a kaboom-y day. I got a plasma cannon in the night - from who, I don't know - and then found some explosives with the tall elf woman. Androia, that's the one. I mean, I can't use any of this stuff - I'm not picking bombs up in my mouth, thank you very much! - but it's nice to know it's there."

Makes-Things: "Ow. Can confirm that holographic flame still hurts. Ow."

hS

The Librarian: *incoherent grumbling, generally sour mood*
Amris: "Hey, nobody told me my fields would be off-line for this! I'd demand my money back but we don't use money back home and anyway I didn't pay anything." *Aura fields turn brown*

One time, painful, but not a long-term problem. Multiple times, though... probably not a good idea to deal with. We shall see, indeed.

And yay, cute! Cute is always good. ^-^

What was the purpose of that nonsense? How can people write things like this and not see how insane that is?

Kudos for the executions. I can never say it enough, creative killing is the best way to end it, especially when the thought given to it outwheights the effort gone into the badfic.

Andi, the TARDIS, Zeb... That's so cute. Especially once the suepid nonsensical glitterbag is out of the picture.

Now, the question about the time jumps is serious. Fridge horror, or at least realization, when you hold us...

Intelligence or Debugger, then? I know she said it feels like cheating, but she won't do her sanity any favor by taking Intellgence duty.

Well, guess we'll see.

I was excited when I took another look at my calendar and realized Andi would have started moving around about now, so I'm glad I was finally able to write that.

And the fic only got more idiotic from there on out. The Doctor was going to end up with wings grafted on, they were going to escape eighty years of captivity to discover the Fellowship had already formed... it was a mess, to say the least. And my personal favorite, getting shot point-blank by a Dalek only to regenerate.