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Miah aimed at the pancakes flying like frisbees, and tried to hit them before they landed. It was nice target practice. She missed some of them, and a lot of eggs splatted into people in the attempt. When there were no more pancakes, she turned her aim toward the man who had been throwing them, and fired.

Modren went out from under the table just in time to get hit in the face with a pickled egg.

"I hate pickled eggs." he muttered.

Seeing an as yet untouched pile of pancakes he took them and began tossing them like frisbees. He didn't really care where they went, or who they hit.

After all, there are no sides in a proper food fight.

Agent Keaton's Chocolate-Peanut Butter-Oatmeal Cookies

Ingredients

1/4 cup applesauce
1 cup peanut butter
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp vanilla (Mexican vanilla is preferred, but do not, under any circumstances, use that fake vanilla stuff)
1/4 cup oats
1/4 cup sugar (Sugar substitutes may be, erm, substituted if desired. Splenda is recommended)
3 Tbsp baking cocoa powder
Dash of Kosher Salt (If desired)

Steps

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C).
2. Combine ingredients and drop by tablespoons on cookie sheet.
3. Bake for 8 minutes.
4. Sprinkle Kosher Salt over top if desired for added taste and pretty-looking cookies
5. Let cool.
6. Enjoy.

Makes 1 dozen cookies

Notes: These cookies are cakey and stay that way. They also tend to crumble after cooling, so be warned. You might want to experiment with the amount of peanut butter you put in, as it tends to be kind of overwhelming. If you do decrease the peanut butter, make sure to increase the amount of oats or add your favorite honey in order to keep the cookies together.

SPLAT

Barid was under heavy fire from the condiment station and couldn't reach the peas. He decided that it was better to retreat for the moment being, but he was going to have those peas one way or another. As he monkey crawled his was back to his barricade he received a serving of potatoes in his ear and a fair amount of kool-aid on the seat of his pants.

When he finally made it back to cover, he spied a bowl of Nm&Nms on a nearby table. He rushed out grabbed the bowl and started raining eye-wrenching, colored candies on the agents that had thwarted his attempt at the peas.

Kyle and Kevin giggled and scraped pudding into their mouths. They sprayed the agent again.

Miah slid into the space beside them, and started rummaging in her backpack. She pulled out a large vat of dyed-blue-pickled eggs, and a device that looked like a bazooka with a flexible hose at the back end of it. She dropped the hose into the vat, and aimed the device at the dragon that had destroyed her cream corn rocket launcher.

She pulled the trigger and started spraying a barrage of blue pickled eggs at the dragon, and continuing on around the room.

This is a very simple recipe which can be made out of stuff off the shelf--exactly the kind of thing this agent would be able to do. XD

Agent Suicide's Lemon-Pepper Chicken

App. 1 1/4 pounds frozen boneless chicken (four thick breast pieces)
1 bottle randomly-chosen lemon-pepper marinade (or if you wanna get fancy, use the recipe at http://southernfood.about.com/od/bbqsaucemarinade/r/blbb288.htm .)
Few tablespoons olive oil (to taste)


1. Thaw the chicken. Set it, still wrapped in plastic, in a bowl of cold water for about the length of one standard Spartan shield drill. (That's three to six hours for you civilians.)
2. Slice each chicken breast in half lengthwise, creating thinner fillets. Agent Suicide recommends using a small machete or a WW2-era trench knife, but any good chef's knife will do if you really must.
3. Put the fillets in a bowl and cover with the marinade. Leave to set in the fridge overnight, preferably under guard to prevent delicious chicken theft. (Spartan gentleman-rankers or devoted squires only for the guard. Achaean and Thessalonian mercenaries are too prone to leftovers theft.)
4. Relieve the guards from their posts and remove the bowl from the refrigerator.
5. Prepare a skillet by greasing it with a few spoonfuls of olive oil. Any skillet may be used, but Agent Suicide is a firm believer in good old-fashioned, just-like-grandma-used-to-break-heads cast iron.
6. Be careful not to heat the skillet too quickly, or your chicken will start spitting fat and smoke all over the place. Suicide recommends a good "medium" heat and a little Scotch to liven up your next half-hour of standing at the stove.
7. Place two or three fillets in the pan, turning with a fork when they begin to brown. Slicing them down the middle is also helpful to make sure the chicken cooks thoroughly. Do not pour any of the used marinade into the pan, unless you like cleaning little bits of sticky brown crust out of everything. (If you do, Agent Suicide is not judging you. After living with Spartans, nothing surprises him.)
8. Cook until well-done, or however you like it.
9. Caution! Pan will be extremely hot, greasy, and possibly smoky when you finish it. Residual grease may be poured down the throat of any captured Sues--or, if you're boring, you can pour it into a tin can and put it in the freezer. (This makes it much easier to collect and dispose of a great deal of residual grease, but has no added advantage of shrieking and flailing.)
10. Enjoy your chicken.
11. Glare at the console, which goes off approximately 30 seconds into step 10.
12. Promise yourself you'll get another job tomorrow.

As the food fight increased in furiousity, Agent Keats poked his head up from underneath the table and shouted, "We gotta get out of here, this is nuts!"

He looked over to his partner, Agent Nicole, and practically sweatdropped when he saw her throwing handfuls of what looked like mashed potatoes at everyone around her, shouting, "TAKE THAT! AND THAT! AND SOME OF THIS!"

Keats sighed and shooked his head. "Why me?" He wondered, right before a stream of Koolaid caught him in the face. In response, he grabbed a plate of what was presumably pudding and yelled, "Okay, THAT'S IT!" before hurling the whole thing at the person responsible.

I move that we compile a cookbook of boarder recipes, genuine recipes you've made and enjoyed. Categories include hors d'œuvres, meat dishes, vegetarian dishes, soups, salads, desserts, etc.

On very rare occasions, Agents actually do get to cook something. This is usually while on vacation. On duty, they have to rely on whatever is being served by the canonicals, on the so-called "food" in the Cafeteria, or on the TARDIS' Food Machine.

Agent Chrysocome's Meatball Soup

1 lb. ground meat. Nerf meat from Star Wars, moozilla or ploogal meat from Spore, or beef from World 1 is recommended.
2 egg whites. For World 1, eggs of the domesticated red junglefowl are recommended.
1 cup bread crumbs.

Chopped veggies. Recommended veggies for World 1 carrots, celery, onions (for flavor), and potatoes.
Frozen veggies. Green beans, corn kernels, and carrot slices recommended for World 1.
Herbs for flavor. Peppercorns, parsley, bay leaves sage, thyme, and rosemary recommended for World 1.
Warning: Do NOT use Flowers for any of these -- you will be shot by Security Dandelions in the attempt.

2 egg yolks.
3 T white vinegar.

3 c. cooked pasta or grain (rice or wheat recommended for World 1).

Separate eggs and store knead together meat, egg whites, and bread crumbs. When they are thoroughly mixed, make 1" meatballs.

Bring water to a boil and add salt. Add meatballs to boiling water. Simmer 20 minutes.

Add chopped vegetables, frozen vegetables, and spices. Bring to boil, and simmer for 10 minutes.

Stir egg yolk and vinegar until well mixed. Stir in egg-vinegar mixture and bring soup to boil. Turn off heat.

The two agents stared at Barid for a moment before their collective common sense kicked in.

"Keep him away from those peas!" Gremlin began firing twin streams of mayonnaise and mustard in a manner that would make John Woo proud (if slightly confused).

Xericka hesitantly raised her ketchup dispenser.

SPLAT

"Serpentine!" Gremlin yelled as she took cover behind a serving cart.

The Nobody glared at her partner from between the remnants of the pot pie dripping down her face.

"What the hell was that?" Agent Silikat sighed, looking across the Cafeteria. Everything had been quiet until rougly a minute ago, when chaos had broken out for no good reason.

Silikat sighed again. That was just great.

Nevertheless, she attempted to carry on eating (some sort of cat food. She didn't know where it came from, and she didn't particularly want to ask) until a shower of what looked like green mashed potato fell onto her table, splattering her and her partner, Toon.

Without any further delay, Toon picked up whatever she was eating and threw it in the general direction of the brawling Agents, wooping with delight. Silikat rolled her eyes, but still couldn't resist chucking her meal at the nearest humanoid.

Who looked like they wanted to kill her. Oops.

"Jack! Wait a minute! NO POUNCI--blugh!" An impressive amount of Boston baked beans splatted squarely into Caleb's open mouth. Startled, the Twi-vamp looked around for the culprit, only to find that the Cafeteria was now in the midst of the full-blown food fight.

Jack the Hunter stared around sightlessly, wondering why everything suddenly smelled like food and sounded like a preschool lunchroom. The only explanation he received was a stale pot pie to the face, the force of which knocked the surprised zombie backward.

Caleb spat out the unappetizing mouthful of beans and looked around for the nearest ammunition. Grabbing the smashed pie from his dazed partner's face, he flung it straight at a nearby agent, who was reaching for a bowl of peas.

The Hunter beside him scrambled up, giggling madly and scraping up a pile of cold porridge off the ground. He flung it blindly in a random direction and was rewarded by an angry snarl from Caleb.

"Jack, for the love of-- that was me!"

Barid was forced to take cover as creamed corn splattered against the table e was behind. He heard the sound of the torrent of soup and had just gotten around to surveying the scene when an olive hit him in the eye. He stood up to yell at whoever had done it, and ended up getting deli mustard all over his robes. That was the last straw. It was time to get serious.

Barid quickly rolled from his barricade to a nearby table. On that table he found an actual straw. A quick crawl got him to the buffet. When he rose to a crouch to see what he could find, he came face to face with Xericka and Gremlin over a bowl of peas. "Uh..." he said, "Hi...?" He made a grab for the bowl.

Cali Still burst through the doors of the cafeteria closely followed by Hannah, Kevin, and Kyle Still Bellisario. They walked straight into a cloud of muffins, rolls, and cupcakes. They were considerably coated with crumbs before they managed to get under cover.

Once behind a table, they pulled out their water guns that Castor had made for them for the water fight and began firing Koolaid indiscriminately over the crowd.

Two heads, one covered with much more food than the other, poked up from behind the buffet.

"Looks like we've got a siege underway," Gremlin said before ducking to avoid a rogue eclair. She pointed up towards the soup-spewing dragon. "Air support would be great in this situation, but I'm not gonna go out there and risk my butt on diplomacy."

Xericka reached into one of her pockets and pulled out a handful of mashed potatoes. "You are taking this exercise far too seriously."

"Fun is serious business, Xer!"

"You are mentally deranged."

Gremlin grabbed a few condiment guns off of the buffet and handed one to her partner. "Less insulty, more shooty!" She began squirting deli mustard at Barid's barricade.

Xericka sighed as she took the dispenser. "Perhaps I am mentally deranged as well."

This. Just this. Seriously--I got the link for it two years ago, after wrapping up a really long multi-author story (called the Mary-Sue Experiments; it's where my main agent came from).
Anywho, the video is called "The Life of a Mary Sue" and it's basically the summary of every Harry Potter sue!bad!fic out there on the web. It's also humorous, and the funniest line is: "God, stick to CANON, please!"

Seriously, if you hate sues in HP canon, it's worth checking out.

-Honu_Wahine

I was browsing for fics over on the pit (looking for an idea that I could do my best to make original, truth be told not that it'd work, goddamn fanbrats ), and found a "someone adopts Harry Potter" fic that's pretty good. It's a short little one-shot, and introduces an unlikely savior (oh, and as a side note: most of loralee1's fics are pretty good).
Here's a link to the story. I figure that there's at least one more good Harry-gets-adopted-by-someone story out there. Any suggestions?
(Oh, and the story is actually just a sweet read, if you want something for warm fuzzies mostly warm fuzzies)
-Honu_Wahine

Miah was confused for a moment as to how the cafeteria had gotten upside down, but then she spluttered and realized that she was upside down against the wall where the torrent of soup like substance had washed her.

She straightened up and found her cream corn rocket launcher a few feet away. It was bent into uselessness. She cursed violently enough that the blue glop turned pink. It had taken a lot of bribery to get Castor and the minis to make that thing.

She grabbed the nearest projectiles she could find, which looked a lot like still wriggling worms in red sauce, Who would want to eat that? she wondered. She flung handfuls of the red worm dish at the blue dragon thing that had spewed the soup all over her.

"Why is everything in this room blue?!" screeched Kazeyama. The Siu-Riu was splattered with a number of blue foods, and the number of blue-haired or blue-skinned agents around was abnormally large. Of course, it technically meant that the blue-scaled dragon had better camouflage, but that point was lost on her.

"That I do not know," answered her aquiline partner. Gwelumir had occupied one of the rafters as soon as the food fight had started, not wishing to get sauces and juice splattered all over her feathers. Kazeyama would have joined her, but after seeing the fate of the other airborne Agent, decided not to risk it.

The young dragon felt her back splattered with something wet; further inspection revealed it to be cream corn. That was the last straw. Racing to the kitchen section, she found a tub of soup--well, maybe it was soup; it looked rather more like primordial ooze. Mentally apologizing to whatever lifeforms were developing in there, she stuck her head in, gulping massive amounts of the substance. She filled her storage pouches, then sprinted back out, armed and ready for action. Spotting someone with what looked like a rocket launcher that dispelled food instead of rockets, she decided they were good enough for revenge, and regurgitated the soup in a torrent, drenching pretty much everyone nearby.

"I always thought that particular ability was rather disgusting," commented Gwelumir. The Great Eagle was still unruffled. "Firebreathing is much more sanitary."

"Shut up," shouted the Japanese dragon to the rafters. "You're from Lord of the Rings, you're biased."

Lee had managed to convince Ian to leave the sanctuary of the table he'd been holed up under, promising to protect him from any future food-related attacks. Given that about ten seconds later Ian was hit by one of Barid's cream-filled pastries, this "promise" was null and void. Ian sighed, scraped off some of the pastry from his face, looked down at it, and then shrugged.

'Might as well join in,' he said, and then promptly threw it at Lee, who grinned happily, contrary to all popular belief.

'That's the spirit!' she told him before almost literally diving back into the fray, picking up a bowl of olives from the buffet and lobbing them indiscriminately at people, but mostly in the direction of the barricade Barid had set up.

It just that most of them don't involve Bella and Edward, or their love story/triangle. Try these:

Tie Me Down to this World by Struck Upon a Star: An AU story about Alice and Jasper. Very well written, and what they call "all human" - no vampires, just the characters. It's unfinished, but really worth it. Despite the melodramatic-sounding summary.

Cowboys & Indians by Minisinoo: A completely non-romantic road-trip fic. Discusses heavy subjects like racism, but no angst at all - instead, there's a very funny bar brawl.

Pilgrim by Eowyn77 (a very good author): A one-shot about the long-lived Carlisle meeting a famous historical figure.

Brotherhood by blondie AKA robin and LindaRoo: Side-splittingly hillarious fic about the three brothers on a hunting trip and having a laugh by talking almost exclusively in quotes from Shakespeare, The Princess Bride and Monty Python and the Holy Grail. A short bit of angst, but ignorable.

And there are more, but I have no time to dig them out just now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3RWk34GYZQ&feature=related

Cali dodged the blue glop Miah flung at him, and launched himself across the room, dodging sticky orange rice balls, split pea soup columns, and more blue glop. He dodged our the doors into the hallway.

He ran down the corridors on his way to the Nursery shouting, "Food fight in the cafeteria! Food fight in the cafeteria!"

Miah, meanwhile, pulled a cream corn rocket launcher from her backpack of holding. She aimed right for the troll on the table top, and fired her first volley.

Agent Barid, who by this time was covered in all manner of "food", had jumped from the table to make himself less of a target. He decided it might be a good time to go on the offensive. He picked up a plate of, what appeared to be, cream-filled profiteroles, flipped a table, and began lobbing the pastries in much the same way one would throw a grenade.

He also started to sing something in Trollish that it is probably better to leave untranslated.

"Argh!" The rice balls and sauce stuck to Jamie's feathers, drenching them so that he fell from the air like a stone. He crashed down on top of another Agent, momentarily stunned. Seeing this, Summer snarled.

"Hey! The only one allowed to knock Jamie out is me!" With a Tarzan-style yell, she launched herself at Unger, with a glob of pudding in one hand and a long baguette in the other.

Unger cackled madly as he drove the two female agents under cover. Which explains how he got a mouthful of baked beans when one of them threw the beans at him.

He threw a few rice balls for cover, then started wiping the beans off his face, so he could see again.

Someone smacked him on the arm, and he yelped, startled. He opened his eyes and saw an irate looking Kelok pulling orange sauce coated sticky rice off his face and out of his hair.

Unger grinned broadly, and then ducked as he saw the next food missile coming in straight for Kelok.