Um, some points.
Spelling! Please make sure you get someone to look over your spelling (or at least use a spellcheck - 'appearence' is something a spellcheck would pick up immediately) before you post any writing. Given we do horrible things to people who make spelling mistakes, we really shouldn't be making any ourselves.
Warnings! As July pointed out, you need to do this. Lots of PPC Boarders read missions at work, school, or other places where they may have people peering over their shoulders. Therefore using words like 'rape' tends to be a bad idea.
Was Alice press-ganged into the PPC? Recruits are usually volunteers or persuaded in a friendly manner. We don't force people to be in the PPC, and the only things we do scientific experiments on are Mary Sues. I'm not sure what the other PGs will think but I personally am uncomfortable with Alice's backstory in the PPC as I think it creates an unpleasant precedent.
Where's 'Research'? Do you mean Medical, FicPsych, DMSEAR?
There's an awful lot of 'classified' and 'mystery' stuff in their backgrounds. It's okay to just not specify if you're not sure where their stories are going to go in the future, but to deliberately set it up as 'classified'? Normally the Marquis and Personnel in general seem happy as Larry to give out even the mst personal of Agent's information.
I'm going to reserve judgement for now, and finish reading it later. Given past form I'm sure Neshomeh will be along soon :)
-Trojie
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Some preliminary comments (some NSFW words used) by
on 2010-03-11 20:41:00 UTC
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Some thoughts. by
on 2010-03-11 20:38:00 UTC
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Note: I am no one of import; I simply felt like making an effort to interact and such. Ordinarily I'd stay out entirely, but my curiosity has demanded that I make an attempt to obtain answers about some things I noticed. You're in no way obliged to listen to me on this matter, but I would appreciate a thought or two in return.
I am certainly intrigued by your choice of first-person and present tense. It's a marked departure from the norm and could certainly bring up many interesting things as time goes on -- though, it may present difficulties as well, given some of the things 'fics do. (Also given that most 'fics tend to be in past tense, and I've observed that Agents tend to match the tense of the 'fic, hence tense wrenches and shutting up on that topic now.)
I will say that your Agents give me a bit of a turn, in places.
On the subject of Falras. The springing full-formed from HQ is odd to my eyes. Most Agents do suddenly appear, true, but most appear from somewhere. And, it strikes me as strange for someone so calm and sane to suddenly start screaming because the mission has taken an unexpected turn. Calmness isn't exactly an oddity in the PPC, though I do find sanity rare and easily lost... well, I don't know if I have room to speak on that matter. Hm, the point I'm trying to make is there's nothing wrong with a calm Agent; in fact, they can be highly entertaining to watch. But, a calm Agent should generally be calm, one thinks, and a sane Agent is likely to lose that precious commodity as time progresses.
Grall is interesting, and I mean this in the good way, not the carefully-neutral-I-don't-know-what-to-say way. I can see much humor coming from his presence and antics. I should like to know where he's from, though; there seems no sense in the redaction, and I can't bring anything to mind that's 'parasitic'. Is it a tabletop or RP continuum, or am I barking up the wrong tree entirely?
On the subject of Alice. I agree with a lot of what July said here. If it's just the killing she hates, as your sample suggests to me, why not work in Bad Slash, or one of the internal departments like Medical or DoSAT, or something that doesn't involve killing? I get that she needs Grall around, but there are ways around that, and the Flowers don't set out to make people miserable. Er, generally. There's a line between disapproval/unhappiness/whygodwhy and serious out-and-out hatred, and one thinks that someone on the hatred side would not be put to work in such a manner. An Agent who hates his or her job is likely going to go flamethrower-crazy a lot faster than others, so it's a bit of self-preservation. (Also, nitpicky crow would like to point out: Addendum.)
The Pokémon hybrid thing is a choice I do like, though.
And, on the subject of the writing sample... well. I don't like to bother people about style -- who knows better than you what you're trying to communicate, after all? -- but there are technical things that keep tripping me up. I'll acknowledge that I'm unusually picky about grammar and punctuation, but... well. A beta reader is a good plan for everyone, no matter how experienced they are.
I'm done being a picky little crow. Going further will make one no friends -- in fact, I have probably grievously offended at least three people already, but I felt the need to speak.
Make no mistake, I do think that this trio has definite potential for excellent fun and good times. But, I, too, am of the opinion that they could be better. I think it would be a good plan to get a second pair of eyes on, preferably someone who can and will tell you exactly what they think without fear of offending or worse.
Best of luck, Max!
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Interesting question... by
on 2010-03-11 19:38:00 UTC
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The only 1-to-50 game that I'm familiar with is City of Heroes, where players have a "Security Clearance" that's effectively their level. There, I think it would make sense, as it's handled like an in-game number. On the other hand, using Levels in WOW fanfic would be jarring and out-of-place.
*does some googling*
I'm not terribly familiar with Wizards 101, but there has to be a better system - could you convert levels into class numbers? Those tend to go from 100 to 499 or so, so that suggests some sort of mapping.
(And by the way, don't be embarrassed by the games you play. I just got into the Lego Universe beta, and am happily ignoring college homework to play it.)
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Some people I've seen... by
on 2010-03-11 19:01:00 UTC
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...do it as something along the lines of 'threat levels'. Probably 1 is the equivalent of a small harmless forest mammal and the highest is death in a barrel, and the assigned number is something that a certain item can tell you, or a file, or whatever. Still keeping the sort-of level mechanic, but making it make a bit more sense.
I'm not explaining this particularly well... Hm. I don't know about this game, but in most of the games I play there's an item or spell that gives you a detailed look at the other person's stats, and can usually be handwaved to say that it gives you a rough approximation of strength, etc., and then the estimated level of threat.
Um.
Hopefully there's something in there you that helps a little.
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You can also think of levels as.. by
on 2010-03-11 18:14:00 UTC
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...levels.
With exams, certification, so on. This can work as well in some game verses where levels are explicit and used for semi in character things like what sort of contests you can enter who you can send.
For instance, in fencing, they actually have levels for you progress through that are determined by wins against what people and where you place in tournaments.
Many martial arts also do that through belts and color.
If you think it is needed, do some additional world building or hand waving to make it make sense in context of a story.
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Re: A matter of style by
on 2010-03-11 18:13:00 UTC
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Hey there! Nice to meet you!
I'd avoid using the term levels. Saying stuff like "I was more experienced than so-and-so, but hadn't explored as much as she had" makes the story flow better than using numbers and levels. It's better to think as the numbers as there for the players benefit rather than the characters.
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Fandoms, thanks, and a boatload of questions by
on 2010-03-11 18:12:00 UTC
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First, I believe a heap of thanks are in order. I am enthralled with all of these wonderful gifts, however, I have no idea of either their purpose or their meaning.
Moving on, I am a fan of the following:
Battlestar Galactica (NEW, the origional is great for the day, however it cannot compare with CGI)
Star Wars (ANYTHING)
Percy Jackson and the Olympians (Current project)
Ender's Game
Harry Potter
I have read the constutition, and I will follow all Da Rules.
Whats more, I was able to find you with many thanks to the wiki. It was featured on the sidebar of the Percy Jackson and the Olympians Fanfiction site; which is where my current project resides if you so choose to read it.
My screen name is the same.
Again, many thanks. Cheers to improvement, whatever the cost.
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Re: A matter of style by
on 2010-03-11 18:05:00 UTC
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I like to think of it as an age. If you start adventuring at the age of eighteen then that is level one. Add one year for every level. This works because the older you get the more experience you have and the more spells you are likely to have learned.
It might also work to just not mention the level. Instead, refer to the characters level of experience. To use your example, "I was further advanced in my studies than my best friend Sabrina FireWeave, though I had yet to make it to Marleybone and she was already there." This allows you to keep the relative power levels without explicitly saying what level the characters are in the game.
Hope this helps.
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Greetings and Salutations by
on 2010-03-11 17:55:00 UTC
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Welcome! I offer you a sparkly rock. I hope you have fun here!
--anamia
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A matter of style by
on 2010-03-11 17:53:00 UTC
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I return! (Okay, so I only vanished for the hellmonth known as February, but who cares? I'm back now!) And, not only do I return, but I return with a question.
I'm thinking about probably writing at least one fanfic story for a computer game I play a lot. (I'm a nerd. I enjoy being a nerd. And yes, I write fanfic for computer games.) This isn't so much because I adore the game too much to live without it as that the present standard of writing on that site is... well, I believe atrocious might be putting a touch mildly. In all the corners of the internet I've visited, this place may be one of the worst in terms of abuse to the English language. So I want to at least submit something decent, if only to have one thing up there that I can bear to read.
Now, this game, like many games, has a system of leveling up based on accumulated experience points. You start at level one and end the game at level fifty. Your level determines the spells you can cast, the enemies you fight, etc. A lot of people who write stories based on this use the level terminology. "I was a level twenty-seven and not in Marleybone yet, even though my best friend Sabrina FireWeave was a level twenty-four and already there," for instance. I find this obnoxious and it throws me brutally out of the story. On the other hand, it's a part of the game, not something imported by the badfic writers.
How would you deal with this? Should I just use it, or can anyone think of a better alternative?
--anamia
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"Anybody have a peanut!" ;) (nm) by
on 2010-03-11 15:01:00 UTC
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Short ships by
on 2010-03-11 14:58:00 UTC
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It's a good thing they've all been male lately, or we'd be up to our ears in short ships!
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Well, well, what have we here? by
on 2010-03-11 12:55:00 UTC
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We have a n00bz0r! Yay, a n00bz0r! Welcome to the Board. Please deposit your sanity in the provided receptacle. *indicates bucket marked "Warg Fodder"* You shan't be needing it here. Also, here's a cup of tea.
What fandoms?
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Have a Bengal Tiger! (nm) by
on 2010-03-11 11:26:00 UTC
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Here goes.... by
on 2010-03-11 07:03:00 UTC
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Okay. So. (Latidoremefa.)
Let's see here, not a PG, just gonna point some stuff out anyhow though that I would like the PGs to read before they say yay or nay.
First off, Max, you've got Mysterious!surprisefromnowhere!Agent. Very mysterious, very mysterious. And special.
And why is he wearing a tattered uniform? I know we're usually running in the red but last I checked we're generally willing to keep people from accidentally exploding into nudity in the corridors if they pop the wrong seam and the rest of their uniform falls apart.
*stares at Falras disconcertingly* He is seriousness! And not crazy? And 'unusally sane'? Are you sure he's sane? Most agents in the PPC are not quite sane and saying that he is 'unusally sane' implies he has a future breakdown or nine headed his way because one does not cope in the PPC by being just sane. Does not work that way, no siree. You've got to either be a bit nuts or a bit not with the reason brain processing or able to accept every single thing that happens to cope. Otherwise your brain shuts down at things like tree days filled with chlorophyll and bear hands and urple because these are from the strange territory beyond reality where things happen with less than logic and not quite so common sense.
Though I can see how that can lead to Hilarity and the Powers That Be going and smacking him with the Ironic Overpower each and every chance had.
*stares at Grall now*
Okay, so you have this mostly humanthingumfishnot dude. What's with the (REDACTED)? SCP people we are not. The parasitic continuum? How does tihs make sense? If it is a continuum then whtever is there is canon and while might be Sues elsewhere if it's all the same in there it can't be Sues because it is on par with what is there. Does that make sense at all? The pervertedness is interesting as a character quirk, that could be fun to watch, since hammerspace is occasionaly accessable.
*stares at Alice*
Okay, so more (REDACTED). This is no place to hide secrets suchly, it does not amuse or make for sense. You can just tiptoe around it and say BRELOOM HYBRID and avoid what else. The fact that she's part Pokemon is interesting though. Aso, again, PPC is generally not THIS IS A SECRET AND IT IS CLASSIFIED for everything, especially where involves agents and their bodyparts and species and all that. Fairly open type workplace.
Personality makes no sense. Why would she be part of the PPC if she hates it, and if she hates it so why is she being kept as part of it? And disguises are disguises and help on missions where it is required, so that is quite odd. The Flowers might force the agents to do a lot of AUGH stuff, but they don't force people to do the job if they seriously dont't want it. Most people generally accept the terrible missions as part of doing something to help the canon or for own personal reasons that involve
Okay, moving on to the writing thingy.
Wah wah wah. D: Despair and angst and things that are reasonable for your character.
But some things.
1) Does not quite mess with what is at least my view of the spirit of the PPC.
2) I do not quite appreciate looking at my screen and seeing "Rapeface" on it unexpectedly without warning especially since I'm typing this right now and trying to avoid my parents or younger siblings seeing it and going "omgwtf?". Warnings is good. Warnings is nice. Please use warnings for that sort of langauge because not everyone appreciates it.
4) There is no 3.
5) There are better ways to express shouting and yelling and general emphasis besides caps.
6) This is quite angstydark for a community whose pieces generally trend towards the light and moderatly hilarious cracky and happy.
7) Show, do not tell. If this is their first mission and they haven't known each other very long (I am assuming though I can't tell for sure the length of time meant to be implied) she wouldn't know that he is usually calm in the perhaps-I-have-overdosed-on-sedatives-but-am-still-awake way usually even on missions.
I've written too much because I'm rambling and wrapping lines around and around (yay WYSIWYG!) so I'll leave off for now so presumably someone else can go and tell me I was being too nitpicky.
Again, not a Permission Giver.
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Re: Permission Request. by
on 2010-03-11 04:17:00 UTC
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Looks okay and I'm not a PG. I just want to quibble one point.
At the end of Grall's wossname, this has LED. Not lead. Lead is either a present tense verb or a type of metal.
*twitches, fumes, and runs away to drown self in Ansela's vodka*
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Permission Request. by
on 2010-03-11 03:20:00 UTC
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AS I SEEEEP INTO THE BLAAACKEST VOID OF AAAALL- Oh, sorry about that. I like that song a bit too much, that's all...
I, MAXinsanity, request permission to join the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. I swear that I will try to uphold canon, terminate badfic, and to utterly and completely despise the creatures known as Mary-Sues that infest the myraid worlds. I will try my best not just to write, but to prevent myself from being consumed by the drama monster inside. I request that I keep my sanity, or actually, what little is left of it right now. Losing any more of it would make me crazier than my agents. I don't really have any self-insert agents, so I swear that they'll do their best, otherwise they'll have a not so friendly meeting with me about it... D:
And yes, I'll try to keep the serious down. I can't guarantee that I can hold it back forever, though...
- MAXinsanity
____________________________________________________________________
MY AGENTS:
Falras
Age: 14 biologically, otherwise unknown
Species: Mimiga
Gender: Male
Partner(s): Alice Alexandria, Doctor Stephan Grall
Home Continuum: Cave Story
Department: Floaters
Fandom(s): Whatever is needed for the mission
Weapon Of Choice: AWP sniper rifle from Counter-Strike
Lust Object(s): None.
Appearence: Short, with messy white fur covering entire body. Two somewhat long floppy ears, one on each side of head. These are quite tattered, as is his PPC uniform. Dark green eyes. General posture is quite poor, constantly being exhausted from missions.
Personality: Falras is a bit of an enigma. Having suddenly appeared in response center 206 as if he was an agent his entire life, his past is a complete mystery. Unusually sane and calm, Falras is obsessed with work at the PPC, and is capable of navigating HQ quite well. Despite his apparently very high amount of experience, he thinks of himself as superior to most agents, sometimes leaving his partner or partners behind, thinking that they'll only get in the way. Also of note is his extremely serious and stubborn demeanor, not willing to accept failure in any way, or even pulling out of a mission when it's too tough. Falras is also extremely antisocial, only talking with Flowers or his partners (Mostly to whine about how they suck so much).
_________________________________________________________________
Doctor Stephan Grall
Age: 29
Species: Human... Mostly.
Gender: Male
Partner(s): Alice Alexandria, Falras
Home Continuum: (REDACTED)
Department: Floaters
Fandom(s): NiGHTS, Team Fortress 2, Pokemon, and several others.
Weapon Of Choice: Knives, pistols.
Lust Object(s): "Alice", and about a hundred others, all non-humans
Appearance: Mostly normal human, save the unusually angular features. Blue eyes, and wears ugly glasses. Posture is quite twitchy and erratic. PPC uniform is rather normal, but is usually concealed under a white labcoat.
Personality: Grall is highly unstable mentally, being from a parasitic continuum which apparently is filled to the brim with Sues from what intelligence there gathers. Frequently talking to himself or occasionally bursting into song, Grall has strangely fast reflexes, is extremely intelligent, and is also quite friendly and quick to learn. However, Grall can also be extremely irritating to female non-human agents, frequently flirting with them or generally getting on their nerves. This has lead to at least three incidents leading to Grall being physically injured by them, not counting the countless times that Alice has injured him.
_________________________________________________________________
Alice Alexandria
Age: 19
Species: Breloom-(REDACTED) Hybrid
Gender: Female
Partner(s): Doctor Stephan Grall, Falras
Home Continuum: Pokemon
Department: Floaters
Fandom(s): NiGHTS, Team Fortress 2, Pokemon, and several others.
Weapon Of Choice: Hammers
Lust Object(s): None, as of yet.
Appearance: Mostly green skin, except for head and neck, which is tan, along with a "Frill" below the neck. Mushroom-like cap on top of head with two small red sphere shaped protrusions on sides. Hands have only three fingers, with claws colored the same as the protrusions on top of her head. Feet are the same as an ordinary Breloom. PPC uniform is tidy and clean.
Personality: Quite quick to adapt to not acting like an animal, Alice seems rather sane for the most part, only lapsing into aggression when irritated by Grall. The most emotional of the three, and due to the unusual conditions she was recruited in, she displays hatred of the PPC, despite being part of it. Still somewhat paranoid about the entire concept, Alice does not use disguises for the most part, being somewhat afraid of some of the technology at her disposal. Among other problems with her career as an agent, she lacks the drive to kill sues.
ANNENDUM: Keep in mind that if not injected with the batch of chemicals created by Doctor Grall daily, she will begin to become more and more psychotic and aggressive until she goes into a coma.
________________________________________________________
And now, for my writing sample! Some of you out there have probably seen it before, but whatever... It's a mission from the perspective of one of my agents for a NiGHTS Into Dreams badfic.
And here's the link: <a href="http://docs.google.com/View?id=dgcbktf77c2wv5jc5">http://docs.google.com/View?id=dgcbktf7_7c2wv5jc5
...Whoo. It's taken quite a bit of guts to get this far. Let's hope I'll continue getting better at writing...
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First MST (A Buffy/Harry Potter/TombRaider Sue) by
on 2010-03-11 02:17:00 UTC
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So, just for fun, I thought I'd try a MST. I chose a bad!fic that takes two things I like quite a bit and mixes them together, with just a dash of a fandom I am fairly ambivalent about. This is my first MST, so I would love to know what I'm doing wrong (or right!)
http://terrofen.livejournal.com/
It is the only entry thus far.
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Well, first of all... *poke* by
on 2010-03-11 01:35:00 UTC
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You have been poked.
Second, if you have not done so yet, please read our Board Constitution. We do expect everyone to abide by Da Rules, one of which calls for good spelling, punctuation, and grammar. *pointedly eyes your post title*
I hope you won't think of us as just something to "go through." We're basically a good lot, and the PPC has a history of being a community of friends. Or at least of friendly people with similar interests who like to have conversations about stuff together. Either way. {= )
I second Ansela's big Bag o' Links. There is fun and useful stuff in there. For myself, I also recommend a trip to the PPC Lost Tales archive for a further taste of what PPC writing is all about. Since GeoCities died, that's the only place to find some of the stories written contemporarily with the Original Series, and they're quite good. I maintain the site, so please let me know if you spot any typos, formatting errors, etc.
That should do for now. Welcome!
~Neshomeh
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Welcome, new friend! by
on 2010-03-11 01:14:00 UTC
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Welcome to the Board! Help yourself to a venomous arthropod, if you so please!
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Re: Hey, im new. what now by
on 2010-03-11 00:08:00 UTC
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Hey! I don't really know much about what next, I've only been here a few days, but... have an anime character's blouse. (Even if you don't wear blouses, it has hammerspace somewhere in it; a little investigation should do the trick.)
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Welcome from an unqualified welcomer by
on 2010-03-11 00:05:00 UTC
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I just got here myself, but welcome! Have a Poppins Carpetbag, those are always useful.
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Re: (Late) Welcome! by
on 2010-03-10 23:41:00 UTC
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A venomous arthropod? Aww, it's cute in an ugly way... and any and all welcomes are delightful and unexpected, and I'm very grateful for them.
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Re: Hey, im new. what now by
on 2010-03-10 22:51:00 UTC
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Welcome! Have an unusually proportioned frying pan and a bag full of miscellaneous punctuation. (You'd be surprised how often you'll need extra punctuation. Of course, some people over-use, but that's an entirely different bag.)