Subject: On "Good Banishments" and New Agents
Author:
Posted on: 2014-11-13 19:14:00 UTC

NOTE: Everything I am about to say is not meant with any vitriol or mean-spiritedness. I am merely responding as honestly as possible. Sometimes I can be a bit blunt in my expression. If I offend in any way, I apologize. It is not intentional on my part.

Like hS, I think this is going to have to be split between the mission and the stuff with your new agents. I’m going to start with the new agents stuff first because it’s a bit shorter, plus because I honestly need a bit of breather to clear my head after reading your fic.

Let’s start off with the story itself. First off, I feel that the scene with Harry and E.V.L.!Cho could have been a lot more dramatic if the audience wasn’t immediately tipped off to this being not the real Cho. Had she kept the facade up for a bit longer before going into the evil gloating, it might have held a bit more shock. Also, the contents of the paragraph that begins “As she opened the door to the hospital wing” are pretty much repeated beat for beat in her following dialogue with Harry; trading her soul, convincing Mad-Eye, and so forth.

Why does Rayner use the Patronus charm instead of a Binding spell? I guess that might have to do with the “aggression ahead of tactics” thing that the original Rainbow Dash had, but I still have to ask.

How does Rayner survive fighting an unkillable Mary Sue demon hand-to-hand for three solid minutes? Three minutes is a long time in physical combat, especially when your opponent is essentially Satan. No PPC agent survives that.

Minor SPaG note: it’s “Ukrainian Ironbelly,” not “Ukranian Ironbelly.”

Overall, it’s not great. Too much of this doesn’t make sense. In addition to all the questions I had above: If E.V.L. is so dangerous, why was Rayner alone? She sounds like the kind of Sue that should have been tackled by multiple groups and not a single person. Also, why do the Flowers capture the wraith instead of destroying or incapacitating it (I’ll touch on that again later)?

As for Rayner and E.V.L. themselves… they’re not good characters. Not at all.

Both of them are tremendously overpowered. First, we have a supersonic speedster who can become a blood-fueled berzerker apparently capable of “destroying everything and everyone between him and his perceived prey.” While that might be interpreted as a weakness, it’s not something that’s going to make me fear for Rayner’s safety. It makes me fear for those around him. Somebody that potentially dangerous to everyone around him… why would he even be recruited?

Rayner is also boring to me because he is, as you say, a male version of Rainbow Dash. It feels uninspired, like you just swapped out a few tertiary details but kept all the major personality bits from the original canonical character. The only major things that feel different are his gender, his being human, his desire for vengeance, and the berzerker powers. I don’t mind if a character is a badfic rescuee, but I want to see original characterization and not an canonical wearing a new suit.

E.V.L… that seems pretty self-explanatory. She’s literally an unkillable Mary Sue demon. Even discounting that the PPC would not recruit an obvious Mary Sue spirit (‘cause, you know, the job and all), unkillable is not interesting. If a character is not imperiled by their task in some way, then there’s no point to the story. Performing the duty is like brushing one’s teeth; not even menial enough to be potentially humorous in a vaguely bureaucratic way.

Also, I’m going to have to agree with what hS said below. The PPC potentially has access to every piece of canonical magic and technology ever made. The PPC has destroyed Sues with the power of gods before this point. There are lots of continuums that have rules for permanently destroying demons. The PPC would find a way to kill (or eternally imprison) her. If all else fails, there are the Reality Rooms.

These characters also, to my mind, don’t fit the PPC universe. Rayner seems to be, when you boil him down, a grim berzerker. Grim characters only really work in the PPC as it stands when their attitude is played for laughs. They become snarky straight men – see Derik for an example, or even Supernumerary and Xericka to some extent.

E.V.L. is completely out of place, and not just because she’s a Sue. I was very dismayed to see “sadism” and “serial killer” being used to describe her. PPC agents are not torturers. PPC agents do not kill for fun or for sport. Psychopathic agents are not fun to read.

One final minor point: why is E.V.L. from the Bible? The PPC doesn’t do Bible missions of any stripe. There are too many worms in that particular can.

I'd very much like to know your answers to the following questions: why did you create these characters? What sort of missions do you see them tackling as agents? How do they fit into the PPC as a whole?

Thank you for your time.

PC

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