Subject: Meanwhile, in another (better?) timeline:
Author:
Posted on: 2016-04-28 12:11:00 UTC
"Bella Swan, AKA Beren of Dorthonion-"
"What?" Bella struck a confused pose. "I don't understand."
"You wouldn't, rip-off." Acacia glanced at her, then swung her gaze back to Edward when the vampire shifted slightly. "Don't even think about it, sunshine."
"On my authority as a Protector of the Plot Continuum, I charge you with..." Jay trailed off, looking down at her stack of notebooks. "... honestly? With just about everything."
"I've done nothing wrong!" Bella cried. "I just wanted," her voice caught, "someone to-" She cut off in a strangled sob.
Jay rolled her eyes. "Yes, yes, we've seen it a hundred times already. Look, if you didn't want to be violently murdered by the PPC-"
"I said don't," Acacia snapped as Edward took a step forward. She raised her sword to point at his chest. "This disguise can match your reflexes, and I've tested this sword; it can slice you to ribbons."
"-you shouldn't have been the most character replacey character replacement ever to... character replace." Jay frowned. "I think that went wrong somewhere."
"Oh, you think?" Acacia scowled at her partner for a moment. "Just charge her already."
"I already did." Jay tossed her own sword from one hand to the other. "Weren't you listening?"
"I was more worried about the vampire figuring out we've already dismembered his bunch-of-Sues family," Acacia growled. "He- oh, drat."
Edward cried out and lunged for her. He was faster than the wind, faster than sight - but Acacia was faster. She swung her sword - honed sharp by the morning sunlight of the Discworld - and Edward's head fell away from his body. Acacia sidestepped, and the corpse collapsed at her feet.
She kicked his arm and grimaced. "Edward Cullen," she said, "AKA Luthien of Doriath, you're charged with being a total genderbent replacement transposed to the modern era, with mucking up your story's timeline something fierce, and with getting me in trouble with the Flowers again for killing you too soon." She looked over at Bella, who had crumpled to the floor and was cradling Edward's severed head. "Do something about her, will you?"
"Yeah, yeah." Jay took a step forward and impaled Bella through the chest. "I feel kind of bad about this," she admitted. "They'd changed so much they were almost an original story."
"A very bad one," Acacia pointed out. "And have you forgotten the part where they shoved all the real canons into a giant plothole to fight it out?"
"... fair point." Jay stretched, arcing her back, then bent down and pulled Bella's corpse over her shoulder. "The werewolves ought to be turning back into the real thing now that the replacements are gone - think they're hungry?"
Of course, Twilight isn't actually Middle-earth fanfic, so I would never condone killing it like this.
Fun, though. ^_^
hS