Subject: -points for not mentioning the Sparkles Light of Aman (nm
Author:
Posted on: 2016-04-27 07:15:00 UTC
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How much do Elves weigh? by
on 2016-04-24 00:16:00 UTC
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So here's something that's been bugging me: If Elves don't weigh enough to sink into powdery snow, how much do they weigh? And furthermore, how on earth do they fight? Anyone who managed to get a good grip on them could shake them around like a rag doll.
-Alleb, who is way too obsessed with details for her own good, and yet has probably overlooked some vital canon source that says Elves are just cool like that and weigh a normal amount when they aren't walking on snow -
Thrice-wise answer. by
on 2016-04-25 11:27:00 UTC
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Forty pounds? Excellent. by
on 2016-04-25 23:17:00 UTC
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Don't forget to share it with us. by
on 2016-04-26 06:17:00 UTC
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No better schadenfreude than Elfin schadenfreude.
Also, I like to think that snowballs are so powerful against Elves, they actually carry the Elf along.
Like in those action movies, when one of the mooks gets hit by a car, and is stuck to the front of it, and is shooting the bloke driving the car?
Like that, but with an Elf and a snowball. -
*salutes* Yes sir! by
on 2016-04-27 13:20:00 UTC
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I agree. Darn Elves, floating about all cool and stuff. Bah.
That would have to be a pretty big snowball, thrown by a pretty powerful arm, but it could be done. ^_^ Well, add that to the list of other things I need to write.
-Alleb -
... Which means their armour is made of tin foil. by
on 2016-04-25 13:42:00 UTC
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Either that or elves are ridiculously strong. Say, hS, you've got a five-year-old. Reckon he could use a longbow with an 80-pound draw? =]
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He might be able to! by
on 2016-04-25 14:07:00 UTC
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Actually, to me it implies something rather darker... by
on 2016-04-26 21:49:00 UTC
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EXCEPT that Tolkein came first! by
on 2016-04-27 22:30:00 UTC
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The first Twilight book was published after the LOTR movies, actually. This means that Elves aren't Meyerpires; Twilight is LOTR badfic.
. . . Would it meet our sporking criteria? -
Meanwhile, in another (better?) timeline: by
on 2016-04-28 12:11:00 UTC
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"... Okay, sod the lot of you." by
on 2016-04-29 10:16:00 UTC
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Well that's rather an overreaction. by
on 2016-04-29 10:52:00 UTC
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Yeah, you're right. by
on 2016-04-29 16:58:00 UTC
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While the only thing I wanted to do was offer an alternative perspective to the Twilight Is The Worst parade that (quite rightly) tends to happen in communities like ours, I didn't do so in the right way and I'm sorry for causing offence.
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No, thank you. by
on 2016-05-03 01:30:00 UTC
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Drat, 2nd page. Now no one will ever see this. (nm) by
on 2016-05-04 01:19:00 UTC
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I wish Twilight was LOTR badfic so someone could slaughter i (nm by
on 2016-04-28 21:45:00 UTC
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Text must have been too long by
on 2016-04-28 21:46:00 UTC
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I wish Twilight was a LOTR badfic so someone could slaughter it. The book kind of deserves sporking.
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Go to Das Sporking then. by
on 2016-04-28 21:58:00 UTC
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Mervin, Hammer of Sues, sporked the whole series. Other spork-worthy works, like 50 Shades, Hogwarts Exposd, Nanoha Lyrical Force, and many other, original or not, are there.
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It's very educational, too. by
on 2016-04-29 08:59:00 UTC
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Learnt almost all I know about writing from that site.
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Alas not; it's still original work. by
on 2016-04-28 09:17:00 UTC
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Still, we can but dream. =]
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I brought this up a while ago... by
on 2016-04-28 10:18:00 UTC
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But would anyone visiting Das Sporking have any news about Mrs Hydes' rewrite?
It couldn't be offcal, but the pieces she showed until now all single-handedly throw back Meyer's... writing to the rank of unofficial badfic. (I refuse to call that work.) -
See, this is why Dwarf Fortress Elves are far greater. by
on 2016-04-27 09:32:00 UTC
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You'd never catch a Meyerpire cannibalising it's mate who just died in front of it, before making earrings out of his bones and wearing them, would you?
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-points for not mentioning the Sparkles Light of Aman (nm by
on 2016-04-27 07:15:00 UTC
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Duck, that means that Sauron and Morgoth were the good guys. by
on 2016-04-27 08:16:00 UTC
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Because if you're attacking sparklepires yu're automatically a good guy. Except if you're a sparklepire too.
Is it too late for joining te true good fight? -
I should point out... by
on 2016-04-27 09:33:00 UTC
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You should know by now... by
on 2016-04-27 09:50:00 UTC
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One idly wonders who Team Tyler's Van is... by
on 2016-04-27 12:45:00 UTC
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Thuringwethil, maybe? I don't know, but I'd pick it for the irony value. =]
(also, an idle Google search reveals that Tinuviel translates as "daughter of the starry twilight". i rest my case.) -
*Drinks Bloffee from the coffeepot* by
on 2016-04-27 10:04:00 UTC
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What have we done? Dear Eru and Tolkien, please obliterate this.
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Trolls don't get to post. ~Nameless Admin by
on 2016-04-24 03:48:00 UTC
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Thanks for contributing! by
on 2016-04-25 02:06:00 UTC
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Would you like to introduce yourself, repent your trollish ways, and become a proper member of the Board? With a name?
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This was Toroll. by
on 2016-04-24 09:36:00 UTC
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The IP matches the IP on one of the deleted posts.
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You are blocked for trolling. ~Nameless Admin by
on 2016-04-25 00:41:00 UTC
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Oh, Nameless Admin! by
on 2016-04-25 01:39:00 UTC
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Here is a post by a troll.
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The blocking is just manual. ~Nameless Admin by
on 2016-04-25 02:05:00 UTC
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Pulling us apart with D&D, hm? by
on 2016-04-24 14:09:00 UTC
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Ingenious...
Quick! Delete the post before they pull out Paranoia!
Lord knows what fate will befall us should they bring out Call of Cthulhu. -
Don't see the problem. by
on 2016-04-24 14:15:00 UTC
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Outwitting Friend Computer is at the same level as outwitting the vanilla glitterbag: a walk in the park.
And if they try to bring Cthulhu here, We've got Old Man Henderson on speed dial. Nothing to fear. -
To be fair, the problem is the other Troubleshooters... by
on 2016-04-25 05:40:00 UTC
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...of which we have none, so nothing to worry about.
(Also—did you see the new Paranoia edition they're making? I backed it on Kickstarter. It's supposed to be ready soon. I'm pretty excited.) -
Old Man Henderson by
on 2016-04-25 02:09:00 UTC
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could damage us all more than Toroll could even dream of.
I am very interested to see the PPC's stance on him. I mean, he was designed to derail plots, even if everything he does is technically canon.
They've got to at least have a file on him somewhere, right? -
I think the implication is... by
on 2016-04-24 03:48:00 UTC
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..not that they weigh so little, so much as that they're so light of foot and graceful.
There are specific ways you can place your stepping to avoid sinking further into things like, say, mud and muck, or through heavy grasses, and also not leave as much an imprint or proof that you had passed through in the first place. Just like if you're trying to step quietly to avoid a squeak in the floorboards or the movement of a loose time, or something, and like there are ways you can walk on a rocking ship and continue in a straight line without ramming into anything or anyone. -
I suppose that could be it. by
on 2016-04-24 21:30:00 UTC
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Still, it doesn't seem possible--egads, I'm applying logic to Elves, what's wrong with me--that that alone would let them run on top of a fairly fresh snowfall. But, I suppose they can, 'cause they're Elves. *sighs* They have to have some sort of downside somewhere.
-Alleb -
Are you talking about Tolkien Elves, or just regular Elves? by
on 2016-04-24 03:26:00 UTC
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I personally consider Tolkien Elves to just have hollow bones, like a bird's. That explains why they are so light. And who said that we couldn't shake elves around like a ragdoll? Elves simply just leap around, never getting into arm's reach while slashing like crazy with their light weapons. That's why we don't see elves with warhammers everyday.
At least, that's what I think. I've never tried fighting an elf before, so I wouldn't know how easily they break. -
They certainly wouldn't be able to stab anything. by
on 2016-04-24 21:25:00 UTC
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Unless--well, unless their swords were absurdly sharp, which they... were... Hm. Maybe that's why Elves are so good with weapon-forging: Their blades have to be ridiculously sharp, because they can't put enough force behind them to actually get through anything but butter. Alternatively, maybe Elvish armor is incredibly heavy, which weighs them down enough to keep them from being flung into the air by any Orc that comes their way and lets them put some more power behind their blows.
-Alleb -
Assuming that their ability to walk on snow is magical, by
on 2016-04-24 01:16:00 UTC
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Snowball fights got more interesting. ^_^ by
on 2016-04-24 21:21:00 UTC
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Now I'm just imagining some little rascal of a kid finding an Elf during the winter and relentlessly pelting him with snowballs.
-Alleb