"Elves Aren't Supposed To Be Buff" (Agent hS meets Willis)

Subject: "Elves Aren't Supposed To Be Buff" (Agent hS meets Willis)
Author: Huinesoron
Posted on: 2019-03-15 12:22:00 UTC

"Excuse me, may I take this seat?"

Willis looked up to see a tall man (very tall, even compared to Willis himself) with black hair looming over him. "Er," he said, quite reasonably. He shook himself, looking down at the chair. "My g- my partner's sitting there," he said. "Sorry."

"It's no problem; I will stand." The tall man executed a slight bow, and his hair shifted to show off the leaflike tips of his ears. "I am Agent Huinesoron of DOGA, and I have a- what's that delightful phrase? Ah - a 'bone to pick' with you."

Willis scooted his chair back a little, eyes wide. "Is, is this a shipping thing?" he asked. "Because Twistey and I, we-"

"No, no," the elf - he was clearly an elf - assured him. "But then again... yes." Agent Huinesoron folded his arms and fixed Willis with a Look. "It has come to my attention that you have asserted that elves 'aren't supposed' to be buff."

"Er?!" Of all the things Willis had thought he might hear, that hadn't even been on the list. "But - I mean - you're not, right?" He looked up at Agent Huinesoron, who did indeed meet the usual profile of a slender, graceful elf. "You're not!"

"I am not," Agent Huinesoron agreed. "And personally, I agree with you that it's not a particularly good look for us." He smiled - not the kind of cruel grin Willis had been fearing, but a genuine fond smile at some memory. "I mean, if Legolas was all muscle-bound - can you imagine? Ew."

"Er?" Willis winced: he really needed to stop sounding like someone with the least interesting catchphrase in history. "Then what's the problem?"

"The problem is that my preferences don't really enter into it," Agent Huinesoron said. "We fought in a war, you know, against hordes of Orcs unnumberable by mortal Man. With yeni of training behind them, you'd best believe our warriors had more muscles than they knew what to do with."

Willis clamped down on another er, but that left him with nothing else to say. He stared at the elf, thinking frantically, but was saved by an arm snaking around him from behind, and a kiss planted on the top of his head.

"Hey, handsome," Twistey said, swinging down into her seat and smiling at Willis before shooting a glance at Agent Huinesoron. "You making new friends?"

"I'm not really sure." Willis reached across the table and took Twistey's hand, clinging to it like a lifeline. "I'm not sure what's going on."

The elf reached up to tug one of his braids and shrugged. "I've said what I needed to," he said, then winced slightly. "And, ah, I hope I didn't... intimidate you?"

"A little," Willis admitted, then had to smile at the sheer guilt that flickered across Agent Huinesoron's face. "But not much," he said. "I'm just a bit on edge."

"Aren't we all?" Twistey murmured, squeezing his hand reassuringly. "So you're leaving, then? Only we've got food on the way."

"Er," and Willis couldn't contain his chuckle as the elf used his apparent catchphrase, "yes. I'm sorry for... yes." With another slight bow, Agent Huinesoron turned and hurried away.

Twistey huffed a sigh of relief and turned her attention to Willis. "Well. What was that all about?"

Willis shook his head slowly. "Twistey, I don't think you'd believe me if I told you..."

~

(Actually I'm pretty sure Tolkien never said, but Agent Huinesoron demanded to be allowed to express himself, and you were already in HQ...)

hS

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Shipfest!!! by Four Moons Watching on 2019-03-09 17:45:00 UTC Reply

Here's the list of people who have opted in!

Feel free to continue signing up - I'll keep the list updated.

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An Unusual Hoard (GMA/doctorlit) by Tomash on 2019-03-25 20:26:00 UTC Reply

GMA maneuvered his car up a windy, dusty mountain road, a bag full of books in his trunk next to the groceries. He eventually reached a remote cave that, oddly enough, had a power line running into it. In fact, the cave seemed lived-in: there was a pair of maxlboxes and a painted-on address by right-hand side of the entrance.

GMA got out of the car and grabbed the sack of books he’d bought down in town from the trunk. “Hey Doc!” he shouted into the cave as he walked in.

“Did you bring more booksssss?” a voice growled from the depths.

“Sure did!” GMA yelled back.He started walking down the slope into the main part of the cave. As he made his way to the large main chamber of his cave, he walked past his apartment, which was just a pile of side chambers with a door labeled ‘B’ blocking the front. GMA liked his place. Sure, it was pretty out of the way, but it was spacious, cheap (even though the rent was in a rather unusual currency), and Doc was a very good friend.

After entering the cave, he froze. The big black dragon who lived in apartment A was still sometimes intimidating, even though he knew full well that doctorlit was a very nice guy. He just happened to be a dragon. An extremely handsome (and kinda cute) nerdy dragon who liked books.

GMA snapped out of it, took the bag of books, opened it, and set it on the ground in front of him. Doc stepped forward a few times, and started sniffing at the rent.

“Yesssss,” he said, “booksssss. Fresh booksssss. Wonderful bookssssss.”

“I got a whole bunch of stuff,” GMA said.

“Yesssssss,” Doc hissed. “My pressssious bookssssses.”

“You’re doing the Gollum thing again, doc.”

Doc shook his head. “Yes, but booksssss. I needs them. Mine. Mine!” He grabbed the bag with a very hand-like claw and pulled it with him deep into the cave

GMA sighed. “Do you want to snuggle up and read later?” he called into the inner depths of the cave.

“Booksssss!” the dragon replied. Doc evidently wasn’t in the mood.

“Ok, maybe tomorrow then.” GMA replied as he went home.

“Bookssss.” came a faint reply from the depths of the cave. “Booksssss.”

"Never change, Doc," GMA said quietly, "Never change."
Wake Me Up Inside (Ship web starring Moons, parody) by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-15 01:29:00 UTC Reply

Wake Me Up Inside (Ship web around Moons, parody)

This is a parody of the fic “Like a Shadow Over the Soul”. It features Four Moons Watching as the main character, and also includes Calliope, twistedwindowpane, Iximaz, Huinesoron, Neshomeh, Scapegrace, Snowblaze, Willis64, and Hardric.

Hi my name is Luna Artemis’ia Selene Aysel Watch and I have long blue black hair (that’s how I got my name) with blue streaks and purple tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue silver eyes like the moon and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da heck out of here!). [[I’m not related to anyone from Overwatch but I wish I was because Halloween Mercy is a major freaking hottie. I’m a fallen angel but my wings are retractable and made of energy. I have pale white skin. I’m also a writer, and I’m in a writing group called the PPC in England where I’m in my first year (I’m sixteen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black galaxy print miniskirt, silver fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and blue eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so the sky was very dark, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I stuck out my tongue at them.

“Hey Luna!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Calliope!

“What’s up Calliope?” I asked.

“Nothing.” she said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

------

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some holy wine from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was blue velvet with silver lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant Valravn t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on a pair of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Adelyn (AN: Twistey dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with red streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Burzum t-shirt with a black jacket, black mini, fishnets and high-heeled combat boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

“OMG, I saw you talking to Calliope yesterday!” she said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Calliope?” she asked as we went out of our private messaging and into the Board hall.

“No I so don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Calliope walked up to me.

“Hi.” she said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

------

Calliope leaned in extra-close and I looked into her gothic red eyes (she was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…………… suddenly just as I Calliope kissed me passionately. Calliope climbed on top of me and we started to cuddle keenly against a tree. Very cleanly because Shipfest fics are clean.

“WHAT IN ERU’S NAME ARE YOU DOING YOU FOOLS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Huinsorenian!

------

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McShoma.

“How dare you?” demanded Professor Scape.

And then Calliope shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

-------

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with silver moons all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of moon and star earrings, and two angel-wings in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with silver.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with holy wine instead of milk, and a glass of red wine. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the wine spilled over my top.

“Watch where you’re going!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a goth with spiky black hair with green streaks in it. They were wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down their face and they were wearing black lipstick. They didn’t have sunglasses anymore and now they were wearing red contact lenses just like Calliope’s and there was no scar on their forhead anymore. They had a manly stubble on their chin. They had a sexy English accent. They looked exactly like Joel Madden. They were so attractive that my body went all hot when I saw them.

“I’m so sorry.” they said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Iximaz, although most people call me Werewolf these days.” they grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the light of the full moon.” they giggled.

“Well, I am a fallen angel of the moon.” I confessed.

“Really?” they whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Calliope came up behind me and told me she had a surprise for me so I went away with her.

------

My friend E’ternal Winter Night smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like communism that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Snowblaze was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are angels and one of them is a witch but a Mary Sue killed her mother and her father disappeared because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Night and not Blazkowicz.

------

I was really scared about Strakit all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Fallen Gothic Wings 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other people in the band are E’ternal Winter, Werewolf, Calliope, Willis64 (although we call him Wilhelm666 now. He has black hair now with red streaks in it.) and Hadric. Only today Calliope and Werewolf were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Calliope was probably punching a wall (she wouldn’t die because she was a vampire and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak) and Werewolf was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put on a short black leather shirt and tiny matching miniskirt that said Elvin’s Tales on the butt. You might think I have bad fashion sense but I really don’t.

------

Yes, that was several excerpts from “My Immortal”, with a few of the words replaced. Congratulations, you’ve read the laziest Shipfest fic ever. Apologies for the length, since I just couldn’t choose one or two scenes. And finally, can you find all the subtle side-jokes, references, and other Easter eggs I included in the fic? Also, feel free to spinoff.

-Twistey

*giggles* by Snowblaze on 2019-03-16 17:15:00 UTC Reply

So you've turned us all into Sues and Stus, then? I quite like "E'ternal Winter Night" or whatever you call her - I might use her as a "self-insert" in the next Badfic Games if you don't mind.

Also, because I can't just let this pass, "crimson eyes like communism"? I suppose now I'm the Board's resident Communist, am I? Just because of one line... and please, if you must give me "waste length" hair at least make it white so it fits my theme...

Lol totally do that! by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-16 19:18:00 UTC Reply

Also, look again, the entire character description of my own Immortalized version is a giant Ship War reference in itself :P

-Twistey

Oh gosh, this is funny/painful by Willis64 on 2019-03-15 23:55:00 UTC Reply

I haven't really read any badfic, it's hard to believe that people really write like this!

You may have noticed I edited out a sex scene... by twisyedwindowpane on 2019-03-16 23:02:00 UTC Reply

...one of many from the original badfic...

TL;DR: It gets worse.

-Twistey
And this is from one of the all time worst. (nm) by 61516 on 2019-03-16 13:03:00 UTC Reply

Does this qualify as minimalism? (nm) by 61516 on 2019-03-15 02:26:00 UTC Reply

Blanketted (IxiLyn) [Risque] by Huinesoron on 2019-03-14 22:44:00 UTC Reply

"So."

Kaitlyn swallowed, clutching her blanket tighter around her, turning to follow Iximaz's circling prowl. "So?"

Iximaz reached in, caught a corner of the blanket and tugged it, making Kaitlyn squeak. "So can I see?"

"I don't know..." Kaitlyn did her best to peek inside the blanket without actually opening it. "I look silly."

"I doubt that." This time around, Ix stretched out a leg, stroking her toes up Kaitlyn's stocking-clad calf. "Though if you'd picked a different word starting with S..."

Kaitlyn made a sound halfway between a giggle and a whimper. "But, I mean, there's so much cleavage."

"Kaitlyn." Ix swung to a stop in front of her, facing her across two feet of floor. "You might have missed the fact that most people consider cleavage a good thing."

"Yeah, but this much?" Kaitlyn waved at her front, then hurriedly grabbed the blanket as it started to slip. "I highly doubt it."

Iximaz stepped in, pressed her lips to the shoulder the escaping blanket had left bare. "I promise," she murmured. "Please?"

Kaitlyn squirmed slightly, then sighed and met Iximaz's gaze. "All right." She took a deep breath, loosed her hands, and let the blanket fall.

Iximaz took a step back. A smile touched her lips as she took in the view: Kaitlyn's black thigh-high stockings, the lacy garters holding them in place, the matching lace of her black knickers cutting a shallow angle across her hips, and above it all the corset, purple lace fitted to black, and just as much cleavage as had been promised.

Kaitlyn stood, hands at her sides, barely daring to breathe as Iximaz's gaze took her in. "Well?" she whispered, her voice trembling. "What do you think?"

"Oh, Kaitlyn." Iximaz crossed the distance between them, wrapped her arms around Kaitlyn, and kissed her tenderly on the lips. "You look... perfect."

hS

Wow, look at you, hS... by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-15 02:50:00 UTC Reply

...writing slightly risqué ship fics about your wife. :P

-Twistey, teasingly, but also hypocritically because of an upcoming Ship War fic starring Fem!Willis...

Always. ;) (nm) by Huinesoron on 2019-03-15 08:26:00 UTC Reply

What say you to content warnings on further fics like this? by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-15 16:38:00 UTC Reply

For an innocent Willis's sake?

-Twistey

I... guess? by Huinesoron on 2019-03-15 16:48:00 UTC Reply

Nothing risque actually happened, so I guess I'd be warning for... skin above the knee and below the shoulder? I mean, I could directly warn for corsets, but that's kind of a spoiler. It's not really NSFW... I could just tag it as 'risque'?

Help me out here?

hS

ThatÂ’d work (nm) by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-15 22:02:00 UTC Reply
That works. (nm) by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-15 22:02:00 UTC Reply
Done. (nm) by The Nameless Admin on 2019-03-15 17:07:00 UTC Reply

The more shipfests that pass... by Iximaz on 2019-03-15 02:16:00 UTC Reply

...the more I'm coming to the conclusion it's impossible to write a shipfic between me and Kaitlyn without introducing corsets into the mix. ;P

PPC Dodgeball by Willis on 2019-03-14 20:27:00 UTC Reply

This is the first piece of writing I’ve posted to the Board, so hooray! The story is that Twistey and I do a double date with Moons and Iximaz playing dodgeball against Sues and Stues. I hope you guys enjoy it, feel free to make spinoffs!

“I’ve almost got it…” said Twistey as she delicately lowered the final card onto her house of cards.

“Surprise!” exclaimed Willis, tickling Twistey and causing the house of cards to fall.

“Nooo! I spent like ten minutes on that!” yelled Twistey as she swatted him on the arm.

“Hehehe, I’m so evil. Anyway, are you ready to go? The others are waiting.”

“Oh I suppose. Why did I agree to this again?”

“Because dodgeball is fun! Besides, the Sues and Stus are only simulations, and considerably weakened ones at that.”

“So where are we playing it? You never really told me.”

“Well, the Sunflower Official had a Sue themed sports arena built in Headquarters with the latest and greatest simulation technology, in order to trick agents into using their free time in training. But the agents became so overworked that it’s never been used, so we’ll be the only ones there.”

“Huh. Well, let’s get it over with.” Twistey said as she walked with Willis out into the hall where Moons and Iximaz were waiting, arm in arm.

“Woohoo let’s do this! The simulation room is 5 minutes of walking thataway!” said Iximaz.

“Race you there!” yelled Willis as he took off running, his cross country training coming in handy again.

“Well he can have fun with that.” said Moons as she walked around the corner and drove a golf cart, borrowed from the arena, around the corner. Everyone boarded it and easily passed Willis.

“Wait, come back! That’s not fair!” cried Willis, breaking into a sprint in a vain effort to catch up to them.

“HAHAHA FASTER!” yelled Twistey in a maniacal voice, tauntingly waving at the receding figure of Willis.

Willis managed to reach the room after a couple of minutes, in a sweaty mess, while the others comfortably lounged in the waiting room.

“Oh, look who showed up! I guess we can finally start.” said Moons, punching in the code to start the dodgeball simulation.

“Wait, let me catch my breath!” panted Willis, but to no avail. The floor fell from beneath their feet, dropping them into a huge room with padded walls, two huge piles of dodgeballs, a dividing line, and a horde of twenty Sues and Stus.

The Sues and Stus roared and charged toward their pile of dodgeballs, but the four friends took a while to get their head in the game.

“Oh crap crap crap crap! I’ve gotta hide!” screamed Twistey. She tried to run, but Willis grabbed her hand and dragged her towards the balls.

“Come on, this is the fun part!” Willis grabbed a pair of dodgeballs and forced one into Twistey’s hands.

“Now throw the dang thing! They disappear on a hit, but it takes 5 for us to get knocked out!”

“AAHH NO! I don’t want to get knocked out! That’d hurt!” screamed Twistey, right as a ball bounced off of her head.

“Snrk that’s one hit. And it's not literally getting knocked out.” said Willis. They both looked over at the other team to see one of the Stus triumphantly yelling and doing a Fortnite dance.

“That one’s mine!” snarled Twistey as she threw her ball at the Stu, causing him to blink out of existence. Satisfied that Twistey would fight, Willis looked for an opponent. And there he was. A buff elf. He looked like Dwayne Johnson with pointy ears, and much paler.

“ELVES AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE BUFF!” screamed Willis. The violation of nature turned toward him with a sadistic grin.

“Y’know, he’s right! We should get rid of this impostor! He’s such a fake, he’s not cool like us!” murmured some of the Sues and Stus. Five of them turned toward the buff elf, quickly wiping the smirk off his face. It took just 3 seconds for them to finish him off, but it gave Willis the breather he needed. He glanced over to see that Twistey had finished her opponent and had gotten another couple down too.

“OWOOOOOO!” Iximaz howled at the ceiling as he transformed into his wolf form, which must have been from Headquarters’s temporal strangeness causing a spontaneous full moon. He started bounding after the balls, wanting to play fetch, but soon suffered his fifth hit. With that, a hatch opened in the floor beneath him and he vanished from sight.

“Nooo!” yelled Moons, and everybody redoubled their efforts. They soon finished off the rest of their not very skilled opponents, but they each had no more than a couple of hits left.

“Yay, we did it! But what happens now?” exclaimed Twistey. And then the floor fell from beneath them, dropping them into a sleek plastic slide that somehow deposited them back down into the simulation waiting room. Iximaz, still a wolf, jumped up from where he had been laying and bounded over to Moons.

“Oh who’s a good wolfy! We won!” gushed Moons, affectionately ruffling Iximaz’s fur.

“Woof woof!” Iximaz barked excitedly as he leaned against Moons’s leg.

“We won! That was so much fun!” cried Twistey, flinging herself into Willis’s arms and giving him a kiss.

“We did! I knew you’d have fun!” said Willis as he happily embraced Twistey.

“Well, I’m exhausted. Let’s go relax.” said Moons. They all climbed back into the golf cart, including Willis this time, and headed off for a relaxing evening.

"Elves Aren't Supposed To Be Buff" (Agent hS meets Willis) by Huinesoron on 2019-03-15 12:22:00 UTC Reply

"Excuse me, may I take this seat?"

Willis looked up to see a tall man (very tall, even compared to Willis himself) with black hair looming over him. "Er," he said, quite reasonably. He shook himself, looking down at the chair. "My g- my partner's sitting there," he said. "Sorry."

"It's no problem; I will stand." The tall man executed a slight bow, and his hair shifted to show off the leaflike tips of his ears. "I am Agent Huinesoron of DOGA, and I have a- what's that delightful phrase? Ah - a 'bone to pick' with you."

Willis scooted his chair back a little, eyes wide. "Is, is this a shipping thing?" he asked. "Because Twistey and I, we-"

"No, no," the elf - he was clearly an elf - assured him. "But then again... yes." Agent Huinesoron folded his arms and fixed Willis with a Look. "It has come to my attention that you have asserted that elves 'aren't supposed' to be buff."

"Er?!" Of all the things Willis had thought he might hear, that hadn't even been on the list. "But - I mean - you're not, right?" He looked up at Agent Huinesoron, who did indeed meet the usual profile of a slender, graceful elf. "You're not!"

"I am not," Agent Huinesoron agreed. "And personally, I agree with you that it's not a particularly good look for us." He smiled - not the kind of cruel grin Willis had been fearing, but a genuine fond smile at some memory. "I mean, if Legolas was all muscle-bound - can you imagine? Ew."

"Er?" Willis winced: he really needed to stop sounding like someone with the least interesting catchphrase in history. "Then what's the problem?"

"The problem is that my preferences don't really enter into it," Agent Huinesoron said. "We fought in a war, you know, against hordes of Orcs unnumberable by mortal Man. With yeni of training behind them, you'd best believe our warriors had more muscles than they knew what to do with."

Willis clamped down on another er, but that left him with nothing else to say. He stared at the elf, thinking frantically, but was saved by an arm snaking around him from behind, and a kiss planted on the top of his head.

"Hey, handsome," Twistey said, swinging down into her seat and smiling at Willis before shooting a glance at Agent Huinesoron. "You making new friends?"

"I'm not really sure." Willis reached across the table and took Twistey's hand, clinging to it like a lifeline. "I'm not sure what's going on."

The elf reached up to tug one of his braids and shrugged. "I've said what I needed to," he said, then winced slightly. "And, ah, I hope I didn't... intimidate you?"

"A little," Willis admitted, then had to smile at the sheer guilt that flickered across Agent Huinesoron's face. "But not much," he said. "I'm just a bit on edge."

"Aren't we all?" Twistey murmured, squeezing his hand reassuringly. "So you're leaving, then? Only we've got food on the way."

"Er," and Willis couldn't contain his chuckle as the elf used his apparent catchphrase, "yes. I'm sorry for... yes." With another slight bow, Agent Huinesoron turned and hurried away.

Twistey huffed a sigh of relief and turned her attention to Willis. "Well. What was that all about?"

Willis shook his head slowly. "Twistey, I don't think you'd believe me if I told you..."

~

(Actually I'm pretty sure Tolkien never said, but Agent Huinesoron demanded to be allowed to express himself, and you were already in HQ...)

hS

And then Twistey sent a fireball at Agent hS's back. by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-15 16:32:00 UTC Reply

"One does not simply intimidate my boyfriend," she called after him. "I know much better than you do what that does to him."

-Twistey

Aw, come on, play nice. by Huinesoron on 2019-03-15 16:36:00 UTC Reply

He's not trying to be intimidating; he's just seven feet tall and socially awkward.

Still, no harm, no foul - pretty sure he's agile enough to just dodge and run.

hS

Re. Legolas by Neshomeh on 2019-03-15 14:53:00 UTC Reply

In a funny coincidence, I was just reading about him to check my memory that he (most likely) would be grey-eyed in the bookverse. The wikis aren't terribly helpful about that, but they DO have a general physical description of him that Tolkien apparently wrote in protest to portrayals of him as "pretty" or "ladylike."

I hadn't seen that before; it's interesting! It does seem to suggest that elven bodies wouldn't be inclined to get all swole since they can already be "immensely strong" while also being "lithe," but OTOH, it's all relative, isn't it? For an elf, a swimmer's physique might be considered totally ripped. {= )

In other news, Agent hS is adorable and I want to give him a hug for doing a good job. ^_^

~Neshomeh

I don't think I've seen that before, either. by Huinesoron on 2019-03-15 15:12:00 UTC Reply

That description actually brings home the fact that the elves, and the Eldar in particular, would have been deeply weird to our eyes. We all know that elves were tall, but 'tall as a young tree'? The Noldor averaged seven feet, which means the tallest of them could have two feet or more on a tall human. Mix that with 'lithe' and slender, and you end up having to imagine people who look almost stretched - and who are, despite that, immensely strong (I don't know how strong your arms would have to be to shoot down a Fell Beast with a single arrow from the ground, but yikes) and almost impervious to harm. If you or I ran around mountainsides in only 'light shoes', we'd end up with bruises and even cuts. Legolas didn't even notice.

And don't even get me started on Legolas' proven ability to walk over deep snow without sinking! It seems like Tom Loback's creepy alien elves may not be too far off the mark after all.

(For what it's worth, I can't think of any elf who was described as anything other than grey-eyed. Tolkien liked grey eyes.)

hS

Reminds me of a hilarious post I saw... by Iximaz on 2019-03-15 15:20:00 UTC Reply

...where Tumblr users tried to figure out the science behind "What do your elf eyes see?!" I am not a math person or a deeply-invested Tolkien person, but the post amused me enough that I still snicker occasionally when I remember it.

(I'll link it here but be warned, it has some NSFW language in it.)

I almost brought that up! by Huinesoron on 2019-03-15 15:42:00 UTC Reply

Not that version, but the more sciencey one which jumps from watching the Riders of Rohan to astronomy:

Traditionally, the limits of human visual acuity are tested with a pair of stars, Mizar and Alcor, a double-star system in the constellation of the Big Dipper. The Arabs, who gave the stars the names we conventionally use, called these stars the 'horse and rider'. It is possible - just - for a keen-sighted person to resolve Alcor and Mizar as two separate stars of unequal brightness, rather than as a single star. Alcor and Mizar are separated by 12 minutes of arc, so this stands as the limit of human naked-eye resolution. Objects closer together than this will only ever be seen as a blur. When you turn your telescope on the problem, it turns out that Mizar (as distinct from Alcor) is itself a double-star. The two stars are separated by 14 seconds of arc, well within the abilities of Legolas, if not Aragorn.

This comparison gives us an impression of how the world was seen through the eyes of the Elves. Aragorn at his most acute would only ever have seen Alcor and Mizar as a double-star, but Legolas would easily have seen it as a naked-eye *triple* star (Alcor, and the two doubles that make up Mizar), an object unknown to human sight. The starry sky was of great significance to the Elves, and no wonder - they would have seen far more in it than human beings ever could.

Elves. Is. Weird.

hS

*notices influx of Iximoons fic* by Four Moons Watching on 2019-03-15 04:13:00 UTC Reply

*considers writing a Cal/Aegis piece in retaliation*

*puts up hood on hoodie* DYEW IT. (nm) by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-15 16:24:00 UTC Reply
*snrrrk* (nm) by Iximaz on 2019-03-15 12:17:00 UTC Reply

I beta read this, so I can't say much, can people read this? (nm by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-15 01:23:00 UTC Reply

Part of your World [Badger/Larf] by Thoth on 2019-03-12 18:19:00 UTC Reply

A Badger bent over a piece of parchment, scribbling furiously as the candles burned low.

The parchment itself was a map. The badger was muttering furiously to himself about terrain. To his left was an index of mathematical calculations covered in notes, scribbles, and calculations; "wind resistance" this and "magma formation" that, carefully arranged into the kind of total and complete mess that only comes from hours of dedicated work. And the map showed it: perfectly arrayed, immaculately designed, beautifully annotated. It was a masterpiece.

Unfortunately, fate had other plans. A careless swipe of the weary badger's paw sent ink flying across the artfully designed map, ruining it all. The badger stared. He blinked.

A cry of anguish echoed into the distance.

"Oi, mate! Some of us trying to catch some sleep!" A vaguely sandwich-like entity appeared adjacent to the badger.

"...Larf?"

"Bang on the money, gov! Here, awake, irritable, and bready." The sandwich, despite his claims, didn't seem especially irritable. He grinned in precisely the way that meat between bread usually didn't.

"Urrrgh..." The badger buried his head in his hands. "Sorry to wake you up like that. I just ruined this map I've been spending hours on. I calculated all the wind conditions and biome formations and everything! And it's just... gone. How can I call myself a worldbuilder now, without a world?"

The sandwich squinted. Somehow. It didn't have eyes, so how the sandwich was able to do this was confusing. But it did nonetheless. "Mate, you do know that you don't need to do that to build a world, right?"

"...Yeah, I do."

"Nah, man. Just fudge it! See?" The sandwich grabbed a parchment and quill with its not-hands and drew rapidly. "See, that looks about right, eh?"

The badger blinked. "...I mean... I guess yeah?"

"There ya go! See? You don't need all that math guff, do ya? C'mon, I'll help you out."

The black-and-white striped mammal sighed again. "What would I do without you, Larf?"

The sandwich smirked, seemingly uncaring that this was blatantly impossible. "Sleep alone, proabably..."

((This is loosely based on a real conversation in Discord. Veeery loosely. Veeeeeeeeeeeery loosely. :-P. But thanks for the idea, guys!))
Distress - Part 1 (MoaM spinoff, hS/Kaitlyn) by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-12 16:34:00 UTC Reply

Summary: The PPC brought them together. Can a badfic tear them apart? This is a sort-of-standalone ship fic in MoaM reality, set after the events of “Man on a Mission”. (MoaM reality is a different reality from the Shipverse, in deference to its occasionally dark subject matter. TL;DR: MoaM reality’s two defining characteristics are its Agent!Boarders premise and the events of MoaM: the ultimately successful sporking of a nasty Wolfenstein 3D bleepfic that made some very odd things happen to various agents. How exactly did all of this happen? It's still being finished.)

It had been a year since the sporking of “Fountain of Youth”, and Huinesoron had only recently found out that Intern Twistey had never taken the necessary Bleeprin to recover from the incident.

“No, no, I’m fine,” she had insisted when questioned about it. “My own imagination has come up with worse. Even before the fic came out, or before I knew about Celebrian or Rose Potter or-.”

“If that’s the case,” hS had replied, “you really need the Bleeprin.”

She had put one hand on her hip. “Do I now. How much did you prescribe to me, again?”

“Mm… one pill daily for three weeks, if I recall.”

“Jesus, that’s a lot.”

“A serious amount for a serious event. No amount of insistence is going to get you out of this.”

She had rolled her eyes, then been called over by Intern Willis, who wanted to show her a Suvian artifact he’d traded for with an agent. Huinesoron had never had a chance since then to catch up to Twistey about the Bleeprin. It really didn’t make any sense to him that she was resisting, as she’d clearly been the hardest hit by the fic, and he secretly feared that she felt no different about what had happened to her than she had in her original brainwashed state. Bleugh, it was sickening to think about.

He was trying to figure out how to get the Bleeprin, and possibly some Anti-Lustin, into Twistey’s food when [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!]

Huinesoron was jolted out of his thoughts by the sound, and looked up to see Kaitlyn dashing for the console. She pressed the button and motioned him over. “Let’s see what we have this time.”

hS and Kaitlyn had been moved by Upstairs to the Department of Floaters for an indeterminate amount of time, and had been assigned no badfics with any unpleasant content for that amount of time. Well, the Sunflower Official had said that it was “until the mess from when you wantonly seized command of all Boarders has been sorted out,” but who knows what all he had meant by that. In the meantime, the two of them had received nothing but the most inoffensive of badfics, in order to be properly “readjusted”. Of course, Huinesoron had insisted that he was fine now, but the SO is hard to convince.

“Looks like nothing’s changed,” said Kaitlyn. “This one’s a crossover.”

Huinesoron looked a bit closer. “Hmm.” Then he cleared his throat.
“Thaw The Frozen Heart (DDLC X Frozen X Baldi’s Basics - Ice!Monika X Fire!Male!Reader, IceXFire!Cutcake)” He paused. “What’s Cutcake?”

“Well, it’s a ship name… sounds like a character who likes knives and a character who bakes. Which would be…” she scrolled through the fic… “Yuri and Natsuki.” She looked at her husband. “Nice wordplay for a badfic.”

hS smiled at his wife. At least she was enjoying these tamer missions. Personally, although he would do anything to protect canon, these ones brought him no adrenaline whatsoever. There had to be something truly shocking for the sporking to be truly satisfying. And this one was so close to being there… Doki Doki Literature Club and Baldi’s Basics in Education and Learning were both horror games, but this was just a lighthearted romance fic with other continua thrown in for extra flavor.

He continued reading the description. “When you transferred to your friend Light!Sayori’s high school and she invited you to the school literature club, you didn’t realize you’d meet the love of your life. But the school holds more danger than you realize. Your math teacher Mr. Darkness!Baldi is keen on making you miserable. But you are determined to thaw Ice!Monika’s frozen heart.”

“Wow,” said hS, “there’s elements other than ice and fire in this. Good job, Frozen fanbase, you’ve learned something.”

Kaitlyn laughed for a bit. “Okay, it’s a reader fic. Where’s the crash dummy?”

He shrugged and shook his head. “I don’t know, I think Twistey tried to marry it or something.”

“I doubt that’s the case.” Kaitlyn turned to face the opposite direction and leaned on the console. “Let me go look for it-”

A portal opened exactly where hS was. “Aaah!” he cried as he was sucked into its depths.

Kaitlyn stood shocked for a second, then shook herself, quickly grabbed a backpack full of agent gear, and followed.

-Twistey
The Ship War Begins (Multi-pairing, historical edge) by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-11 14:33:00 UTC Reply

Summary: A bunch of Boarder couples enter a virtual-reality WWII strategy game, each getting to experience life from the perspectives of a world leader at the time and his significant other. The results are surprising.

Ah, Paris. The city of love.

“Isn’t it beautiful, Kaitlyn?” gushed Huinesoron. “All the trees and the sky and there’s the Eiffel Tower, and…”

Kaitlyn was smiling too. “I’d really hate to see all of this get bombed.”

“Oh yeah… there’s that…” He exhaled. “Nesh and I declared war on Twistey and Willis earlier today, and that means we could actually be targeted in a bombing raid eventually.” hS became melancholy, taking everything in as if he would never see it again.

“Don’t feel too bad. It had to be done.”

“That’s the worst part. I just can’t believe what she’s been up to.”

“Playing by the script, it seems. Playing exactly by the script.”

------

It was a cold day in Moscow, but Snowblaze didn’t mind. She loved the weather here.

“How do I look in this gleaming white uniform?” she asked her lover, who I shall let the other Boarders choose, while studying herself in the mirror.

“Very dashing, Comrade Snowblaze.”

“Thank you, comrade.” Then they both burst out laughing.

“So, about the deal to split up Poland… d’ya think she’s going to betray you?”

“I know she’s going to betray me.” Snowblaze turned around. “We’ve had a rivalry going for a while.”

“But she’s the history freak. She knows Russia is too cold and too populous to be successfully invaded.”

“She’s a freak in general. She won’t stop.” She laughed. “I say that with affection.”

------

“I feel disgusting with this thing on my arm,” remarked Twistey to no one in particular.

“Then take it off,” replied Willis with a shrug.

“I can’t. Not while I’m working. I have to play along or else get overthrown by my own officers.”

“Suit yourself.”

Twistey leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes. “If this were truly historically accurate, they wouldn’t let a woman lead Germany anyway. I’ve got to always remember that.”

There was a knock on the door. “Come in.”

An out-of-breath young soldier walked in. Twistey quickly tried to look serious and intimidating. “Yes? What is it?”

He handed her a letter across the desk. “Britain and France have declared war.”

“Thank you, you are dismissed.” As the soldier left, Twistey turned to Willis. “So it begins.”

“Do you think we’ll be able to beat France if it’s being run by, uh, what’s his face?”

“HWEEN-ay-SORE-on. And I don’t know. But we’ll definitely have to watch out for Great Britain, since Neshomeh and Phobos are in charge.”

“Nesh seems nice.”

“She’s always nice until I pull a stunt like this. So are half the oldbies. The other half just ignore it.”

“Hindsight 20/20.”

The door burst open. Once again, Twistey sat up in her chair and adopted a stern expression. She needed it, as now she was face to face with the chief of the SS, Heinrich Himmler.

“When are you going to implement the Final Solution?” he demanded. “I believe it’s time now to begin.”

Twistey paused. “It, ah, it will come… Where did I say that the Jews were the prob- I mean, what I was going to do with them?”

“In here.” He put a copy of Mein Kampf on top of the desk. “Perhaps you should read through it again, and recollect exactly what you came here to do.”

“Thank you. You are dismissed.”

Being published was what every Boarder dreamed of. And here she was, with a book she wrote. At least, she did in this virtual-reality world that Tomash, Thoth, and her friend Sigma from Newgrounds had coded as part of the move towards the creation of strategy games for the PPCers to enjoy. But the words sure didn’t sound like her, the way they were written. She wouldn't leave that many typos in a book. And the ideas presented in it were even worse.

That was the problem. The simulation, being focused on military tactics, started with the day that the war did. How Twistey had come to power was completely out of her control. And now she was going to look like a coward who couldn’t keep promises.

“Ohhhhhhh God. Remind me again why I did this,” she murmured to Willis.

“Why you convinced them to build the simulation, or why you kinda automatically flung yourself into this particular role?”

“The latter.”

He shrugged. “I dunno. Just like me when we play Axis and Allies. Someone has to.”

More are coming. Feel free to make spinoffs.

-Twistey

Game Changer (Spinoff featuring Sigma64) by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-17 01:29:00 UTC Reply

Remember I mentioned my “friend Sigma64 from Newgrounds”, casting him as one of the people who’d developed the simulation? I told him about the Ship War. I think he’ll be all right with this depiction. Sigma is generally cool with anything.

It was well past dark when Twistey returned home. A long day of dealing with literally every other player except for Willis, and some AIs on top of that, had left her exhausted. She was ready to just go to bed. But what a sight was waiting for her when she opened the door.

In the foyer of the house stood a girl about her age with wavy red locks that cascaded down her back. Her blue eyes sparkled in the light, and she wore a warm and mischievous smile accentuated with red lipstick. And she was… definitely decently endowed. Curves in all the right places, not helped by the style of her red dress. It was definitely Willis, and it was also definitely a woman, but, but, but…

Twistey’s mouth hung open. “W-what the hell?!”

“Hiyeeeeee~!” Willis waved upon seeing Twistey. “I got bored and found an exploitable glitch in the game. Do you like it?” He, um, she wiggled her eyebrows.

Twistey stalled. “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… I’m really getting some Bowsette vibes here.”

She laughed. “You know it!”

Twistey made a show of walking around Willis and into the living room. She sat down on a couch, then shook herself and laughed. “I’m just really shaken. By everything. I’ve been struggling to hold onto my initial expectations of what this would’ve been like, and this confirms even further that they were wrong.”

Wi- er, let’s call her Phyllis, looked sad. “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you’d get a laugh out of it. Do you want me to change back?”

“No, no, you’re fine. It’s my fault for power tripping so hard that I have a physical reaction to the same gender-bending stuff you’ve been doing since we became a thing.”

“It is not your fault!” Phyllis tackled Twistey onto the couch, only flustering the leader even more with her female squishiness.

“All of this is my fault. I provoked the start of the war, or I mean I put myself into the role that provoked the start of the war, after all. I’ll be lucky if I can get out without being assassinated.”

Phyllis was about to object when there was a knock at the door.

“I’ll get that!” announced Twistey. But Phyllis wouldn’t budge.

“No, you’re staying here with me so I can un-sad you!”

“But I-”

Then, from a distance, they saw a young man walk through the door.

Phyllis quickly moved off of Twistey and sat down next to her. “I swear that wasn’t what it looked like!”

“I know,” the young man replied as he approached them. “I saw all of it, and I can sympathize with your situation here.”

“That’s creepy,” muttered Phyllis.

“I try not to be,” he shrugged. “I switch to someone else’s view whenever I feel I’m looking at something I shouldn’t be.”

“Wha…” Twistey’s eyes were wide. “Who are you?!”

“Oh yeah, that’s right, I haven’t updated my profile picture yet according to your suggestions, so you don’t know what I look like.” He extended his hand. “I am Sigma64.”

“Oh! Sigma! Hi!” She breathed a sigh of relief.

“That’s your friend from Newgrounds, right?” whispered Phyllis to Twistey while she shook Sigma’s hand.

“Yeah. The guy I found when I was looking for fellow Wolfenstein 3D fans on Scratch. You and I still need to play it together.”

Sigma laughed. “100% Sigma approved. Have you found a co-op mod you like yet?”

“I was thinking of just having him play the game and laughing over his shoulder. But that’s not important.” Twistey looked curious. “The important thing is, what’s one of the developers doing meddling in the affairs of mortals?”

“I have a remedy for your plight,” replied Sigma, as he started to walk around. “I, with my code and developer permissions, can fix everything. I can retcon the entire Holocaust out of existence, along with any mentions of anti-Semitism in anything associated with you.”

“No, thanks, I’ve managed to get it all back under control. Why’d you even put it there in the first place?”

He shrugged. “It actually wasn’t my job to implement it. I don’t know whose it was. But I did notice that you were sad about not getting the epic showdown you wanted. As you know by now, I also love a good Nazi boss battle. It’d be a shame not to have one.”

“You sure it’s not going to end badly? I mean, I’m leading a Germany that’s got this piece of junk pasted all over it, the same piece of junk used by some pretty bad actual racists.” She pointed to… yeah, you know.

Sigma shook himself. “Wait, what? Isn’t that the point of the game? Those Allies kinda let you go with that already, anyway. I mean, it’s just a fun simulation, and they know it is, so long as you keep it fun.”

“Yeah, true. But I didn’t keep it fun.” She leaned back on the couch and stared at the ceiling. “Y’know, like an idiot.”

“You said only two words’ worth of politically incorrect and only three words’ worth of factually incorrect. That’s not bad. So let’s do like Huinesoron said and ditch the depressing parts. No killing people, just zombie armies and occult powers, all wrapped up in an impressive castle with a huge underground complex beneath it. It’s time to get ridiculous!” He raised his fist.

“Yeah!” Phyllis stood up and did the same. “As long as I get power too!”

“Oh, you will. And the Allies will, too, so that they don’t feel like I’m just bailing you two out. I’ll visit them all in turn.” He turned to look at the couch. “Twistey?”

Twistey hesitated for a bit, thinking of all the pain of her mistakes. Then she slowly stood. She raised her arm so it was straight out in front of her, her fingers were closed… and then turned the offensive salute into a dab. Everyone rejoiced.

Welcome to Ship War: Ridiculous Edition.

THEMATIC MUSIC: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oi3QmAmrG6M

-Twistey
Planning for War by Snowblaze on 2019-03-15 14:33:00 UTC Reply

Snowblaze sat at the head of the table, her generals and advisors all around her. She didn't really know enough history to know exactly who they were, despite the Wikipedia research she'd done before entering the simulation.

"As you know," she began, slightly nervously, feeling very grateful that the coders of this simulation had built in automatic translation, "Britain and France declared war on Germany earlier today."

She paused, hoping to make it up as she went along from here. "This, of course, does not in any way change our position on our pact with Germany. We will still hold to it until such a time as they violate the terms or it expires."

If Twistey was going to be historically accurate, that meant that they'd have to wait a whole two years before they could attack. Which was a real pain, considering that Snowblaze was a ruthless game-player and intended to conquer the world as quickly as she could.

Suddenly she was struck by a brilliant idea: why couldn't she go the other way and invade America? Okay, her Reddish-White Army (as she was mentally calling it) would have to make a slight sea journey, but still, it was definitely worth it. And if America was hers, she'd have the pure military strength to crush anyone who dared to stand in her way.

Saving her brainwave for later, she continued: "We do not currently choose to ally ourselves with Germany, although I will remain open to the possibility if they are willing to form an offensive alliance. Therefore the Soviet Union is currently not at war and will remain so in the immediate future."

She wasn't exactly the world's best speechmaker, but this would do the job. Unless the programmers were feeling particularly sadistic.

"However, it is likely that at some point circumstances will change and we will join the war, on one side or the other. Therefore we must have our Red Army on standby, ready to move at a moment's notice. Is the council in agreement?"

As she hadn't exactly said anything controversial, they all nodded and gave their assent.

"Thank you," she said, and retired to her private chambers to plot the invasion of America.

(Well, the point of the game is to rule the world, right? Also, I admit it, I did do some wiki research IRL.)
The view from the Eiffel Tower. (HuineLyn) by Huinesoron on 2019-03-15 11:51:00 UTC Reply

"They're not going for it."

Huinesoron stepped up behind his wife, slipping his arms around her waist. "No?"

Kaitlyn sighed and turned from the view, nestling her head on his shoulder. "No. Hardric wants chunks of Italy, Snowblaze wants us all to go Communist, NeshBosh want, I dunno..."

Huinesoron's lip twitched. "Tea?"

"Right." His wife looked up at him. "And we want reparations for a whole bunch of stuff we're not going to get. We'll never reach an agreement."

"I still think my plan will work." Huinesoron stepped forward, Kaitlyn turning until they stood arm in arm, gazing out over the streets of Paris. "Nesh said it - 'make love, not war'. If we just marry you to everyone--"

Kaitlyn elbowed him in the ribs. "It won't work," she said firmly. "Twistey and Willis have that whole 'monogamy' thing going on. Unlike certain husbands of mine," she jabbed out with her elbow again, but Huinesoron squirmed away, "they're not obsessed with setting each other up for threesomes."

"That's unfair," Huinesoron protested, but quailed before his wife's arched eyebrow. "Not just threesomes," he clarified.

Kaitlyn snorted. "Right, right." She leant on the railing, staring out at the brightening eastern horizon. "It's going to be war, though."

"... yeah." Huinesoron placed his hand lightly on her shoulder. His brow furrowed in thought; then he turned away, flicking his fingers to bring up the simulation's radio system. "In that case, and since Neshomeh's not using it, I suppose we should do this properly."

With a faint fizzing sound, a microphone appeared in front of him. He cleared his throat, then glanced sidelong at his wife. "Unless you'd rather do the honours?"

"No, no." Kaitlyn waved indulgently. "You'll enjoy it a lot more."

"All right." Closing his eyes, Huinesoron took a deep breath, then tapped the microphone. "This is a priority transmission breaking across all commercial and private frequencies," he announced. "This morning, the Bri- French ambassador in Berlin handed the German government a final note, stating that unless we heard from them by 11 o'clock that they were prepared at once to withdraw their troops from Poland, a state of war would exist between us.

"I have to tell you now that no such undertaking has been received, and consequently, this country is at war with Germany."

He paused, lifting his head to meet Kaitlyn's gaze across the open mic, and a crooked grin crossed his face.

"Game on," he whispered, and cut the feed.

~

(With gratitude to Neville Chaimberlain, and also Jenny Sparks of the Authority.)

hS

Darn. They were on to me before I could blitzkrieg them. (nm) by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-15 16:45:00 UTC Reply

"Red and White"(mini-spinoff) by Snowblaze on 2019-03-12 13:56:00 UTC Reply

When Snowblaze's lover entered the courtyard he found her lying flat on her face in a heap of snow. Random body parts were distributed around her, which would have looked grisly if they weren't made of snow.

"Snowblaze! What's wrong?"

She sat up, snow in her thick hair, and her lover was struck once more with how beautiful she looked.

"Well," she began, "I was trying to make snow soldiers to defend against Twistey's inevitable betrayal, because they're so much more convenient. You don't need to feed them or give them leave or actually lose them, because I can just rebuild them if they get destroyed."

"Nice! So, what's the problem with that?"

"Well, I suddenly realised that the colour scheme was all wrong. If we're being historically accurate, I'm meant to have a Red Army... and snow is white."

"Oh. I see."

"And if I change it to the White Army everyone will be mad, because the Whites were the ones the revolution overthrew and they'll start saying I'm an aristocrat and there'll be another revolution."

She sighed. "Which would obviously be a bad thing... but on the other hand, no way am I spending loads of money on red uniforms for snow. So... what do I do?"

"Stop trying to game the rules and use real soldiers?"

"I told you. Too expensive, and you can't bring them back."

"Stop worrying and come and have fun with me?"

"Now that sounds like a good idea."

(It's really hard writing when you don't know the pronouns of one of your characters.)

Snrk I love this as well! by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-12 16:26:00 UTC Reply

I'm totally going to archive all the Ship War stuff... somehow.

-Twistey

Hey, I want the power role! :P by Willis6 on 2019-03-12 01:01:00 UTC Reply

Plus I speak german, so ha! I can issue orders to the troops! I think a little civil war is in order...

I have to tell you... by Huinesoron on 2019-03-12 09:44:00 UTC Reply

... in my mind, you're playing the dog.

It would make more sense for you to be Eva Braun, but until the evidence says otherwise, you're Blondi to me. ^_~

hS

He was supposed to be Eva Braun. by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-12 16:24:00 UTC Reply

And since I suck at strategy, I'll be consulting him a lot. No need for a civil war. His dog Piper can be Blondi.

-Twistey

That sounds like the sane option. by Huinesoron on 2019-03-12 16:34:00 UTC Reply

But in the immortal words of... was Greece in WWII? Conquered by fascists, huh? Well, in the immortal words of whoever has that thankless role:

Sanity? This--is--Shipfic!!

You may now imagine yourself being metaphorically kicked down a bottomless pit.

(... it's just occurred to me that 'This is Sparta!' jokes are actually quite outdated now, so yes, this is a film reference, I'm not actually throwing you down a hole.)

(But I'm still imagining Willis as the dog.)

("His name's Junior. We named the dog Willis!")

hS

I volunteer for Greece! by 61516 on 2019-03-12 22:15:00 UTC Reply

"Henceforth, we shall say not that the Greeks fought like heroes, but that heroes fought like the Greeks."

-Winston Churchill

Greece was one of the first nations to stand against the Axis, and they defeated Mussolini's forces before Hitler provided troops. The remnant of the Greek army fought a guerilla war until they were freed by the allies in 1944.

For more information:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MilitaryhistoryofGreeceduringWorldWar_II

They also got a song by Sabaton:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtax3Fl-UZo

Sweet! by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-14 01:22:00 UTC Reply

But... who’s going to be the Greek leader’s significant other? That’s a major part of the premise here! ;)

-Twistey

I have no idea... (nm) by 61516 on 2019-03-14 02:26:00 UTC Reply

Is this like virtual WWII Diplomacy? by Neshomeh on 2019-03-11 23:12:00 UTC Reply

'Cuz I have to tell you, you do not want to go up against Phobos in Diplomacy. He's known as the Betraying Betrayer Who Betrays for good reason.

At least if we're both Britain, he can't do it to me this time. {= P

~Neshomeh, off to instate food rationing and very politely shout at America to please stop faffing about and get over here already, if it's not too inconvenient.

Hey, we're trying as hard as we can! by Thoth (And Granz) on 2019-03-12 02:33:00 UTC Reply

It's hardly all sunshine and roses over here. We've got plenty of domestic issues to deal with! And racism. Eurrgh. Trying to fix that. Civ IV made it look a lot easier than it is.

As for providing you with troops and the lot, I'm trying, I really am. But my co-leader is... uhmm... hang on a sec.

No, Granz, we can't just send Germany a "mountain of teddy bears." I need troops!

--But I feel bad for killing the soldiers!

They're not even real soldiers, they're just computer simulations.

--I know, but I feel bad for the computer simulations!

Well, how would teddy bears help?

--...Maybe Twistey's heart will be warmed by the teddy bears so much that she surrenders and then we have a giant international snuggle pile?

I guess it's worth a shot, since you won't agree to anything else.

--Hey, I'm not totally crazy! The teddy bears are also grenades!

...Go on...

--Totally harmless grenades! They push stuff towards them, push it away, or vaporize non-living materials. But always harmlessly!

...Bloody hell. You do realize there's a war on, right?

--Hey, at least a lot of their soldiers will be spontaneously naked.

So do you always have your mind in the gutter, or only when you're endorsing pacifism?

--Not always! But I'm pretty sure I know how to convince you.

And how's that?

--Sexiness.

...I don't like that grin. See, the worst thing is, you're not even entirely wrong.

Nesh, the time on the SIGSALY is running out. Sorry, I'll have to go before the line dies or we go insecure. In any case, hopefully that gives you some idea of what I'm dealing with here.

--Thoth

((Yes, I wanted to join in. Seeing as I don't have an official couple, Granz has agreed to end up shipped with me for this, and also co-wrote the bit. The nakedness gag and the grenades bit were all him. So it's not all my fault.))

Snrk I love this! by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-12 16:22:00 UTC Reply

I was thinking of putting you in the role of FDR, since I dunno, I just associate you with 'murica, and now yay, it's a thing!

-Twistey

[Commencing conference call] (spinoff) by Huinesoron on 2019-03-12 00:06:00 UTC Reply

[Ring ring... Ring ring... Click]

Phobos: Twistey, if that's you calling to surrender-

Huinesoron: It's me.

P: Oh! What a nice surprise. And how is France today?

H: ...

P: hS? Is there a problem?

H: Is there a PROBLEM? You sank my navy!

P: Oh, yes, that-

H: We're supposed to be ALLIED and you sank my SHIPS!

P: Well, we couldn't risk Twistey getting hold of them. It actually happened in real history, you know, so-

H: Only after France SURRENDERED. We hadn't stopped fi- no, we hadn't even STARTED fighting yet!

P: Better safe than sorry, what?

H: What?!

Neshomeh [calling across the room]: Tell him to have a cup of tea.

P: Nesh says you should-

H: I heard. You don't want to KNOW what Kaitlyn says.

P: No sense crying over spilt milk, though, right?

N [calling across]: You spilt the milk?! But, but the tea--!

P: I'm sure we can all move past this-

H: You think you can just brush this off? Those ships could have turned the tide of-

P: Well, needs must, old chap. Was that all? Ta-ta then! [Click]

H: ...

H: I wonder if Twistey's interested in an alliance?

A letter by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-14 01:35:00 UTC Reply

To: Huinesoron
From: twistedwindowpane

Perhaps I’m a bit late to the discussion, but I hear you’d like an alliance with me. I’m afraid I can’t officially do that, as my people are absolutely craving lebensraum and you run the country next door. But perhaps we can make a deal in secret. I’m afraid that if I stick to my true ethical principles, rather than playing the part to the letter, I’m going to have a coup on my hands and maybe even a couple assassins. May I please take refuge in your country if that happens? S-sorry for the dictatorship... a-and the fascism... and the mass genocide... I swear that it was all to get more popularity with the desperate German people!

-Twistey
P.S. You’re an artist too! Can you critique some of my drawinfs so that I can try for art school again? I’d like to do better things with my life than cause death and destruction...

Another letter, perfumed with assam and darjeeling. by Neshomeh on 2019-03-15 05:37:00 UTC Reply

To: twistedwindowpane
From: Neshomeh

Dear Twistey,

A little bird told me you're claiming your actions in this simulation are all to please the German people. Have you talked to the German people? Cuz either this is a really shite simulation where none of the NPCs get lines, or most of them don't actually like the whole fascism and genocide thing that much! It's just that when the police are legally empowered to break down your door and murder your family members on the merest suspicion of noncompliance with the regime, it tends to make folks a little scared of speaking up, you know?

The German people are certainly desperate, but it's more for things like food and safety and the liberty to walk the streets at night without worrying about being bombed or shot, wot? The people here in England would rather like to have those things back soon, too! Perhaps we can agree that this is all bloody stupid and bring it to a stop like responsible adults in this sim? Then we can all snog and make up. ^_^

Make love not war!

Cheers,

~Neshomeh

We support this proposal. by The German People on 2019-03-15 12:53:00 UTC Reply

Go find a room already – although you may rather need a hall to accommodate all interested parties.

HG, simulating a whole population of NPCs

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Deceptive tactics much? by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-15 16:44:00 UTC Reply

I get that peace and the end of a dictatorship would be wanted. But approval of literally making love instead of war is pushing the Germans out of character. Polygamy and polyamory will still be widely shunned by almost everyone but Mormons and fangirls in the twenty-first century! I sense that someone is trying to manipulate the news to sway me. Who is this spy going by "HG"? I already know, of course, but I'd like you to come forward yourself.

And also, Heinrich is going to coup my butt if I don't support this master race-lebensraum-Final Solution garbage.

-Twistey

Sorry for disappointing you, by One of the German People on 2019-03-16 13:34:00 UTC Reply

but obviously I can’t come forward while your oppressive regime still lasts.

[[Also, I said several times that I don’t ship, and I won’t derail this into a civil war without naval operations. The one-shot shipping all boarder-nations (or nation-boarders?) with each other is all I can do. Somebody else may have to write the peaceful revolution in the name of ~~lust~~ love that overthrows Twistey while she’s too occupied snogging Willis to even notice. (And then they escape to Paris, the City of Love...)

HG]]

*holds up finger* *puts it back down* (nm) by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-16 19:19:00 UTC Reply

[Coughs] by Huinesoron on 2019-03-15 16:58:00 UTC Reply

Please consider, y'know... not roleplaying someone supporting the Holocaust, even if they're doing so reluctantly as a strategy. It's perfectly fine for Heinrich (good call using first names to avoid unnecessary use of certain names) to want to stage a coup just because you're considering not taking Germany to its glorious destiny of conquest; you really don't have to keep bringing up the rest of it.

On an unrelated note, most Mormons have been officially against polygamy since 1890, and I don't think you'll find anyone in the main LDS church supporting or promoting it nowadays. The small Utah spinoff cults are a different business, of course.

hS

Also this. This is what I was aiming to get across. (nm) by Neshomeh on 2019-03-15 17:18:00 UTC Reply

I hate directly apologizing but here goes by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-16 23:00:00 UTC Reply

Okay. So, I admit, I went a little too far. As per usual. No, wait, usual for me is going a lot too far. So the good news is I’m learning.

I regret this lack of forethought pretty deeply, seeing how much it just kinda ground everything to a halt (not to mention I’ve fallen down the exact same set of stairs twice before, which is why I chose to be the bad guy in the first place). I’d like to say I’m sorry, even though it hurts to do so instead of trying to hurriedly forget it all.

I get that things were made less enjoyable by my actions. For all I know, y’all may be boycotting Ship War until I apologize, which is totally understandable. But let’s not be sad anymore. Now that I’ve dealt with this out of universe, I have a plan with how to deal with this in-universe. You guys will be able to read said plan pretty soon. Hopefully it’ll be even funner, grammatical incorrectness intended for humor purposes.

About Mormons: Welp, the more you know. This is what happens when stereotypes.

-Twistey

Thanks, but... by Neshomeh on 2019-03-17 15:33:00 UTC Reply

It kinda takes away from the apology if you try to make it about acknowledging how hard it is for you and moving on right away so you feel better. An apology is not for you, it's to show the other person(s) you actually care about their feelings. The other party is the one who gets to decide whether or not to "be sad anymore."

Personally, I never was "sad," and I'm not boycotting the Shipfest; I just didn't have that much investment in it to begin with. Also, so far I've assumed you're about thirteen at most, so I am patiently waiting for the day you have enough life experience and corrections under your belt to truly understand why this fixation you have on WWII stuff makes us uncomfortable and drop it. You are learning, so I'm sure you'll get there, and we will continue to help by giving said corrections as needed.

~Neshomeh

"Nesh seems nice." "She is until I pull a stunt like this." by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-18 00:58:00 UTC Reply

I'm sorry that my apology came off that way. I didn't want it to sound robotic, so I tried to make sure y'all knew it was me speaking. I completely understand how you're feeling, and I definitely care. I also kinda wanted to show you guys, "Look, I'm apologizing, and you didn't even have to ask me yet! Look, I haven't sent you a fountain of self-deprecation! Be proud of me! I'm getting better!" :P

On my stupid obsession: It'll take a while. Most likely I'll turn into a real history buff like hS. I'm prepared to forego asking for Permission for however many years it takes, since I know I'm not someone who should be trusted with writing the PPC universe. But that's all right, I continue to feel like a newbie anyway.

In the meantime, at least keep me around 'cause I'm good at recruiting my sane friends.

-Twistey

Let 'im. by Neshomeh on 2019-03-15 16:53:00 UTC Reply

It's an AU, right? What's the point of an AU if you're just going to stick to the script? {= ) Buck the system, throw your government into chaos, and let us come in and sweep up the mess. I see no downside to this!

~Neshomeh

You think I could...? by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-15 22:15:00 UTC Reply

But then where would we go? I doubt that Willis trusts either of you, being easily squicked by the thought of “making love”, as you say.

On the other hand, as he himself says when playing D&D, all the people dying are simulated... No, I joke. As I said, I’d like to do better things with my life, power tripping aside. I’ll make you a deal. If you drop the thought of a big ol’ international marriage, Willis and I will fake our deaths and escape to Paris, where we’ll meet hS and help him out with his strategy in the land of baguettes. And then the only one supporting the Holocaust for any reason will be an AI. How does that sound?

-Twistey

Snrk I love this too! (nm) by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-12 16:23:00 UTC Reply
A telegram by Snowblaze on 2019-03-12 13:41:00 UTC Reply

From: Snowblaze
To: Huinesoron
My... how shall I put this... sources tell me that you're considering an alliance with Twistey. I shouldn't need to tell you that this is a Very Bad Idea. She will betray you. The only reason I'm supposedly allied with her is so she thinks that I'm not prepared for her invasion.

I have a better idea: you and I could form an alliance. If we both attack Twistey at the same time we can crush her between us and then I'll help you invade Britain, and we can unite Europe beneath the banner of Communism!

~~What do you mean I'm getting too much into character~~

A carrier pigeon. by Huinesoron on 2019-03-12 14:26:00 UTC Reply

From: Huinesoron
To: Snowblaze

The idea of an alliance does have its appeal, especially if Hardric can be persuaded to bring Spain into the fold. I'm not so sure about the Communism thing, though - I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be a steadfast republican.

I'm also not convinced you'll honour this proposed alliance, since you literally started the discussion by telling me you're lying about the one you have with Twistey. I think we would need some way to secure the alliance, and as history tells us, marriage between the parties is very effective for that.

Obviously I'm not proposing to marry you myself; I'm far too busy for that. But I'm sure Kaitlyn would be up for

[The handwriting on the note abruptly changes]

Please excuse my husband; he's let his stick-on moustache go to his head. While, yes, his argument that he and Bishop Hardric could between them change secular and church law to make this weird polygamous thing he's considering legal, that doesn't mean I'd be 'up for it'. I'm not that kind of girl.

The only situation where I'd be willing to consider it would be if every leader was marrying in one big war-ending wedding. For the sake of Europe, I'd make that sacrifice.

~Kaitlyn

((Well, it is a shipfest... ^_~ -hS))

The same pigeon, returned by Snowblaze on 2019-03-13 10:37:00 UTC Reply

From: Snowblaze
To: Huinesoron
Ah, I thought the Communism thing might be a sticking point. Thing is, I can’t really abandon my country’s idealogy just like that. I’ll need to consider how to frame it and how much I’m prepared to compromise.

I would certainly be prepared to consider the idea of a marriage, although obviously I’d have to wait until details are confirmed to make my final decision. As for my alliance with Twistey, I’m only lying because I know she is. If I thought there was a reasonable chance of her honouring the alliance, I would too.
Open Letter from Europe's Newest Theocracy. by From: Hardric To: All on 2019-03-12 15:09:00 UTC Reply

Because Catholicism needs its own country to be taken seriously in this century, duck it.

Having discovered Spain was at the current moment a smoking pile of ruins, with not even all the pesky rebels to the rightful dictature of the Spanish Church dead yet, the filthy heathens. Guess there was a reason we could ~~invade~~ free it with an army recruited amongst only half of Andorre.

I have to inform all countries that Spain will needs loads and loads of resources to join any camp in this war. Guess Franco was cupid for a reason after all, the heretic.

Of course, it does mean Spain will ally anybody helping to build back a land of self-rightousness and savage oppression in the name of a God who didn't ask for anything, especially the ones of the wimps in the Inquisition. I swear, placing the burden of proof on the accusation, when we're always right already.

Offer also extended to filthy Reds needing absolution. Indulgences were the high point of the Church, can't understand why they stopped.

The Spanish Theocracy is also willing to legalize this big wedding mentioned in that letterr for the right price and control of Rome, or the means of assuring Madrid supplants Rome as capital of Catholicism, or the edict won't stick. All to ensure peace of course.

A prequel: High PPC (Songfic) by Scapegrace on 2019-03-11 17:59:00 UTC Reply

Oh now, dearest Tomash, the wars have begun
And now canon marches on, to the beat of shipping's drum
Come think of ships and dress tha'sen in fine corsetry;
I'll take you to the Shipfest of High PPC

Oh Delta, love, oh Delta, now list ye what I say
My feet they are so tender, I may not march away.
And e'er since that mpreg fic, I'm with child by thee;
Not fitted for the Shipfest of High PPC

I'll buy for you a Granz, love, and on it you shall ride,
And all my delight shall be a-walking at your side.
We'll stop and read each romance, and thirst like we are dry,
And all of will lovers be, and marry by and by

And when we'll read the shipfics, I'll have for you a bed
And on there shall be roses, and the roses shall be red.
So when you lie with Granz and Thoth and make a pretty three,
You'll think of your fair Delta, in High PPC.

Oh, cursed be the ship wars, wherever they shall rise
And out of Board and Discord press many fen likewise;
They took my domme right from me, shipped her with Neshes three;
All storied in the cruel wars of High PPC.

My lusts I cannot value, nor kinks I do not fear
Now that my Delta's left me, I wander far and near,
And when my baby, it is born, and smiles upon my knee,
I'll tell it of the cruel wars of High PPC.
I'll tell it of the shipping wars of High PPC...

Nice songfic. What's it based on? (nm) by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-12 16:19:00 UTC Reply

"High Germany", a 18th Century anti-war folk song (nm) by Scapegrace on 2019-03-12 17:20:00 UTC Reply

Ohhh my... I mean, sacre bleu. by Huinesoron on 2019-03-11 17:00:00 UTC Reply

So am I tragically-doomed President Lebrun, or collaborationist Philippe Petain? Either way, you should address me by my most preeminent title, Co-Prince of Andorra.

...

So I kind of want to spin-off a meeting with the person playing the Bishop of Urgell, aka the other co-prince, but I don't want to step on your jackbooted toes (^_~) by using someone you've got plans for. Any suggestions for a couple, real or Shipfesty, that I can use?

hS

I didn't actually think about non-leadery famous figures... by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-12 15:14:00 UTC Reply

...in fact, I was thinking that that might not even be a thing, but totally go for it!

Also, I forgot to tell you, you're France because Misinterpreted!hS looks French to me. My nickname for him is "the Marquis de Huinesoronhonhonhon." :P

-Twistey, walking off to write something with Moons as Alan Turing

Hey, Co-Prince of Andorra is a leadership role! by Huinesoron on 2019-03-12 15:42:00 UTC Reply

I don't know if you've ever looked up Andorra (don't know why you would), but since the 1600s its rule has been shared between the King/Emperor/President/Chief of State of France, and the Bishop of Urgell down in Spain. Of course, they have less than 80,000 people in the entire tiny country, and were strictly neutral in WWII, but they're still a sovereign country!

~Le Marquis de Huinesoronhonhonhon, Président de la République française et Co-Prince d'Andorre

Ah, I meant, like, the major countries... ah, whatever. by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-12 16:20:00 UTC Reply

You're a bigger history buff than me. Do as you wish.

-Twistey

Je te souhaite d'Ãªtre le premier. by Hardric on 2019-03-12 08:45:00 UTC Reply

Being Petain stoppped being any kind of awesome pretty much right after World War 1. Nothing we could do using the colonial empire and the fleet to continue fighting my butt.

Merci (Et: spinoff) by Huinesoron on 2019-03-12 10:04:00 UTC Reply

"I still think I should have had the French role."

Huinesoron sat back and sipped at his wine, then grimaced and put it to one side. "Ugh. Sorry, what were you saying?"

Hardric rolled his eyes. "As your bishop, I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to say wine is a mocker."

"You're not my bishop." Huinesoron gestured around the simulated Casa de la Vall, making some undefined point. "Was that all, most esteemed co-Prince?"

"No." Hardric folded his arms, then refolded them to get the floppy sleeves to settle right. "You don't even speak French; I would be much more suited to your role."

"Je suis un oiseau dans le chateau," Huinesoron said vaguely. "Besides, by that logic I should have Britain, instead of Captain Tea-Pants and the Betraying Betrayer."

"You're not taking this at all seriously!" Hardric protested. "I warn you, if I don't get the respect I deserve, I may have to declare war."

Huinesoron raised an eyebrow. "Sorry - you're still just Bishop of Urgell, right?"

Hardric flicked his hand, dismissing the words. "I mean of course, Andorra will declare war."

"We're co-princes," Huinesoron pointed out. "You can't declare on France without my agreement. Which you're not going to get, for obvious reasons."

Hardric's eyes narrowed dangerously. "You're going to have to go back to Paris sometime," he said. "Do you really think our people won't follow me...?"

"They didn't in real history." Huinesoron sighed and straightened up. "Look, I get it - Bishop of Urgell isn't the most exciting role." He thought for a moment, then snapped his fingers. "I don't think anyone's playing Spain, are they? If it's a coup you want, you could always try Madrid on for size..."

hS

That idea might be worth digging... by Hardric on 2019-03-12 11:32:00 UTC Reply

And Psain might enjoy tasting its own medicine. You colonized many countries, now Andorre colonizes you so its ~~only rightful~~ ruler can try a new country ~~with the right size for his ego~~.

That said, I must inform you I'm not that well-informed on Hetalia on general, so 'declare on France' is at best a crack ship... At the same time, it is Shipfest...

Spain. Psain will go with all the Hetalia minis. I guess. (nm) by Hardric on 2019-03-12 11:34:00 UTC Reply

Russia, am I? by Snowblaze on 2019-03-11 15:15:00 UTC Reply

Sounds like fun - and I get to actually beat you in a war for once! (Hang on, you should be the USA then we could fight the Cold War against each other...)

No idea who my mysterious lover is - anyone got any idea who it should be?

Well, I chose the role I chose because... by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-11 16:56:00 UTC Reply

...which other WWII leader would I, the Board's resident fountain of terrible ideas and political incorrectness, even be?

Also, I found you a theme song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7uCENnIcas

-Twistey

Like a black shadow over the soul (Ix/Moons) by Thoth on 2019-03-11 14:04:00 UTC Reply

"Angst. Angst. Angst. Aaaaaaangst. Angst angst angst angst angst. Angstangstangstangstangstangstangstangstangst." Moons banged her head against the wall over and over again.

"Ey, what's Moons doing?" Iximaz asked. "Why's she off in the corner?"

"Oh," said Calliope, taking a sip of coffee she'd just ordered off the bar. "She's angsting. Pretty good at it too."

Iximaz frowned. "Hang on just a moment." She wandered over to the newbie. "Hey!"

Moons looked up sulkily. "What's it to you?"

The older writer narrowed her eyes. "You're... angsting, aren't you?"

"So what if I am? What if the gods have cursed me? What if there is a black doom upon me, an incredible grimness that hangs over my very soul?"

A slow smile crossed Ix's lips. "Don't talk to me about your very soul. I've been angsting before the very concept of blackness even occurred to you. My very being is so full of despair that you can't even comprehend it."

A silence fell over the two. Moons broke it.

"My very existence is anguish."

"Well, my soul is consumed by grim desires and inconceivable suffering."

"My pain is so great that mere mortals cannot even comprehend it."

"I'm so sad that I seem happy again because nobody can recognize the depths of it."

"I've written poems so black that nobody could read the paper they were printed on."

"Well, my poems are so black that they make people happy because they suck all the sadness in the room into themselves."

"Have you even contemplated the deep and dark nature of human soul?"

"I've come to deep realizations about the grim, black, superblackness of the soul that you will never understand."

"My suffering alone could create a new deity, such is its strength!"

"Corvus Corax once told me I was the angstiest human he'd ever met!"

The two stared at each other, breathless.

Ix sighed slowly, calming down. "So, want to be angstmates then?"

Moons gasped. "Can we be?"

"Only if you dye your hair..."

The newbie grinned. "Do you really think black is my natural color?"

Ix smiled. "I think I love you already..."

*rolls around laughing* by Four Moons Watching on 2019-03-11 15:55:00 UTC Reply

I love it, I love this, it's just so in character and yet so absurd at the same time

...wait, is Cal drinking coffee? HERESY *readies Tea Cannons*

TEA BOMB! by Neshomeh on 2019-03-11 23:01:00 UTC Reply

*cannonballs into thread and explodes in a cloud of loose leaf*

*superblack tea, of course*

{; P

~Neshomeh
Yeah, that was a deliberate joke. (nm) by Thoth on 2019-03-11 16:44:00 UTC Reply

Totally going to draw this I'll be right back XD (nm) by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-11 14:20:00 UTC Reply

Weasel Dreams (Twistey/Willis, fluff, light h/c) by Four Moons Watching on 2019-03-09 23:29:00 UTC Reply

Willis had slept in late today.

Twistey wasn't too concerned, this was something he did from time to time. What did concern her was the fact that he was still in bed after she'd gotten back from a leisurely breakfast and some chats with friends. Even with HQ's temporal weirdness, it had to have been a couple hours.

She sat on the edge of his bed and gently ruffled his bright red hair. "Morning, sleepyhead."

Willis responded with a muffled groan. "'M tired, Twistey. Didn't sleep well last night."

"Bad dream?"

"Think so. Don't even remember what it was. Somethin' that should've been silly, I think. All I remember's there were lots of weasels. Whatever happened, I doubt I got more'n a couple hours in."

Twistey stroked her boyfriend's hair. "I'm right here, Willis. You're safe, in your own bed, and there's no weasels in the RC." Kicking off her shoes, she slipped in to cuddle Willis. "Get some rest. I'll keep you safe."

It was then that the Ironic Overpower provided a BEEP!

Twistey was having none of her console's fuvg. "Console. Sleep is important. There comes a point at which your antics are no longer funny. If you don't let us sleep I'm rewiring you into a microwave. Understood?"

The console bipped in slightly terrified agreement.

"I'll get to you when we're both rested. Until then, no noise."

"Nice." Willis gave Twistey an affectionate nuzzle. "How'd you think of that?"

"Spend long enough in HQ and you're bound to hear that trick eventually. I think it was Jay who came up with it." Twistey wrapped her arms around Willis and smiled. "Let's get some rest. You need it."

Willis smiled back and reached over to turn out the light. "Yeah. With the workload here, I bet catching up on sleep'll do us both good."

"Love you, Willis." Twistey curled up against him, soaking in the warmth.

Willis tried to reply, but exhaustion overtook him before he could. Smiling softly, Twistey closed her eyes, snuggling up to him and letting her mind go blank. It took her a bit longer to drift off, her being less tired than him, but soon enough she, too, was sleeping peacefully.

Neither of them dreamed of weasels.

ADAWWWWWWWWW X3 (nm) by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-11 00:14:00 UTC Reply

Charmless Man (hS/Nova) by Thoth on 2019-03-09 19:44:00 UTC Reply

"Okay, how did you do that?" Huinesoron squinted at Nova.

"Do what?"

"You were standing over there. You didn't move. I walked away. Now you're here."

Nova squinted. "Dunno."

"For that matter, you were in my bathroom this morning. Just... staring at me. And then gave me a bottle of wine. It was... really weird."

"Was I?"

"And then you followed me to work. And you were on the side of the road while I was driving... You just won't leave me alone, will you?"

"Maybe..."

Huinesoron sighed. "Is this because I said I'd go out with you this weekend?"

Nova squinted. "Could be, yeah..."

"...Are you gonna keep magically teleporting randomly to locations near me until I do?"

"I've... considered it."

"Jeez, man, you could get hit by a car! Or fall off a building! Or... something."

"Welll.... yes."

"You didn't think this through, did you?"

"Nnnnno..."

Huinesoron sighed. "Would you like to go for a drink now?"

"Yesplease."
Howling (Ix/Moons) by Tomash on 2019-03-09 19:17:00 UTC Reply

It was a dim and cloudy evening, just after sunset. Iximaz was passing through a park on the way home. Their eyes shone gold in what was left of the light, and their long pants covered a rather embarrassing scar that looked like a claw mark.

Then, very quickly, impossibly quickly, as if someone were speeding up the footage to skip though a long, boring processes, a full moon rose. In fact, four moons rose. They seemed to peer down at Iximaz with a collective smile.

“Oh, no.,” Ix muttered. They tried to keep theirself together through sheer force of will, holding back the explosion that was about to overcome them as best they could.

“Not. Time.” they grunted as patches of fur burst out of their skin in a few places. “Hate this.”

It’ll be OK, Ix. the moons said, somehow. I can help. This doesn’t have to a curse.

Really? Ix thought, hoping that would get back to the voice they’d just heard, before yelping in pain as their bones shifted around. They roughly threw their bag to the ground so that it wouldn’t get too banged up during the rest of the transformation.

In response, the moons concentrated their light onto the transforming werewolf,, enveloping them in a warm, white glow. I’ll help you through this.

As the moonlight surrounded Ix, their transformation much more fluid and graceful. Fur rippled out over their body as it slid into a more canine form without all the violent rearrangement that usually accompanied a full moon. Their face stretched out into a muzzle. A tail rose out from their lower back without the usual ‘pop’. Even their clothes neatly came off and floated onto Ix’s bag.

Wow. Ix said. Can it always be this easy? Also, thank gooodness I don’t need to replace that jacket.

Yeah, I can make this how your transformations usually go. the moons said. After all, I’m four moons, and that beats the one moon you usually deal with.

Ix’s tail wagged. Nice!

There was a pause. I like your jacket too, by the way.

Uh, OK, sure. Thanks!

No problem. the moons said softly.

Ix took a few hesitant steps forward. This new way of being a werewolf sure left them a lot less exhausted than what they usually had to deal with. Then, filled with a burst of energy, they took off running around the park.

This is great! they thought-shouted up at the sky as they ran. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good as a, y’know, wolf.

That was the plan. I noticed how miserable you were getting at night and thought I’d do something about it.

A few laps around the park later, Iximaz walked up to their stuff, panting. I like this. they said quietly. I like you.

I like you too. the four moons watching said.

Ix sat down. There was only one real way to properly express their thoughts on the situation, they realized:

“Awoooooooooooooooooo!”

SNRK I just love Literally Four Moon Watching. (nm) by twistedwindowpane on 2019-03-11 00:17:00 UTC Reply
I love it by Four Moons Watching on 2019-03-10 06:27:00 UTC Reply

I would *so* do that if I was in this situation, I'm too much of a mom friend not to. And I honestly find being portrayed as the literal moon in general hilarious and amazing. I don't really know what to say, how does one review a shipfest story anyway?
Hmmm. by Iximaz on 2019-03-09 22:23:00 UTC Reply

It's good, but I feel like if you wanted to stretch the transformation=sex metaphor, you should have had Ix fall asleep contentedly under the watch of the moons instead of feeling more energized. Nice story, though.

:P

I wasn't actually going for that as a metaphor (nm) by Tomash on 2019-03-09 22:36:00 UTC Reply
Metaphor? All I see is a cute puppy! :P (nm) by GoodModAddict on 2019-03-09 22:26:00 UTC Reply