Remember I mentioned my “friend Sigma64 from Newgrounds”, casting him as one of the people who’d developed the simulation? I told him about the Ship War. I think he’ll be all right with this depiction. Sigma is generally cool with anything.
It was well past dark when Twistey returned home. A long day of dealing with literally every other player except for Willis, and some AIs on top of that, had left her exhausted. She was ready to just go to bed. But what a sight was waiting for her when she opened the door.
In the foyer of the house stood a girl about her age with wavy red locks that cascaded down her back. Her blue eyes sparkled in the light, and she wore a warm and mischievous smile accentuated with red lipstick. And she was… definitely decently endowed. Curves in all the right places, not helped by the style of her red dress. It was definitely Willis, and it was also definitely a woman, but, but, but…
Twistey’s mouth hung open. “W-what the hell?!”
“Hiyeeeeee~!” Willis waved upon seeing Twistey. “I got bored and found an exploitable glitch in the game. Do you like it?” He, um, she wiggled her eyebrows.
Twistey stalled. “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… I’m really getting some Bowsette vibes here.”
She laughed. “You know it!”
Twistey made a show of walking around Willis and into the living room. She sat down on a couch, then shook herself and laughed. “I’m just really shaken. By everything. I’ve been struggling to hold onto my initial expectations of what this would’ve been like, and this confirms even further that they were wrong.”
Wi- er, let’s call her Phyllis, looked sad. “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you’d get a laugh out of it. Do you want me to change back?”
“No, no, you’re fine. It’s my fault for power tripping so hard that I have a physical reaction to the same gender-bending stuff you’ve been doing since we became a thing.”
“It is not your fault!” Phyllis tackled Twistey onto the couch, only flustering the leader even more with her female squishiness.
“All of this is my fault. I provoked the start of the war, or I mean I put myself into the role that provoked the start of the war, after all. I’ll be lucky if I can get out without being assassinated.”
Phyllis was about to object when there was a knock at the door.
“I’ll get that!” announced Twistey. But Phyllis wouldn’t budge.
“No, you’re staying here with me so I can un-sad you!”
“But I-”
Then, from a distance, they saw a young man walk through the door.
Phyllis quickly moved off of Twistey and sat down next to her. “I swear that wasn’t what it looked like!”
“I know,” the young man replied as he approached them. “I saw all of it, and I can sympathize with your situation here.”
“That’s creepy,” muttered Phyllis.
“I try not to be,” he shrugged. “I switch to someone else’s view whenever I feel I’m looking at something I shouldn’t be.”
“Wha…” Twistey’s eyes were wide. “Who are you?!”
“Oh yeah, that’s right, I haven’t updated my profile picture yet according to your suggestions, so you don’t know what I look like.” He extended his hand. “I am Sigma64.”
“Oh! Sigma! Hi!” She breathed a sigh of relief.
“That’s your friend from Newgrounds, right?” whispered Phyllis to Twistey while she shook Sigma’s hand.
“Yeah. The guy I found when I was looking for fellow Wolfenstein 3D fans on Scratch. You and I still need to play it together.”
Sigma laughed. “100% Sigma approved. Have you found a co-op mod you like yet?”
“I was thinking of just having him play the game and laughing over his shoulder. But that’s not important.” Twistey looked curious. “The important thing is, what’s one of the developers doing meddling in the affairs of mortals?”
“I have a remedy for your plight,” replied Sigma, as he started to walk around. “I, with my code and developer permissions, can fix everything. I can retcon the entire Holocaust out of existence, along with any mentions of anti-Semitism in anything associated with you.”
“No, thanks, I’ve managed to get it all back under control. Why’d you even put it there in the first place?”
He shrugged. “It actually wasn’t my job to implement it. I don’t know whose it was. But I did notice that you were sad about not getting the epic showdown you wanted. As you know by now, I also love a good Nazi boss battle. It’d be a shame not to have one.”
“You sure it’s not going to end badly? I mean, I’m leading a Germany that’s got this piece of junk pasted all over it, the same piece of junk used by some pretty bad actual racists.” She pointed to… yeah, you know.
Sigma shook himself. “Wait, what? Isn’t that the point of the game? Those Allies kinda let you go with that already, anyway. I mean, it’s just a fun simulation, and they know it is, so long as you keep it fun.”
“Yeah, true. But I didn’t keep it fun.” She leaned back on the couch and stared at the ceiling. “Y’know, like an idiot.”
“You said only two words’ worth of politically incorrect and only three words’ worth of factually incorrect. That’s not bad. So let’s do like Huinesoron said and ditch the depressing parts. No killing people, just zombie armies and occult powers, all wrapped up in an impressive castle with a huge underground complex beneath it. It’s time to get ridiculous!” He raised his fist.
“Yeah!” Phyllis stood up and did the same. “As long as I get power too!”
“Oh, you will. And the Allies will, too, so that they don’t feel like I’m just bailing you two out. I’ll visit them all in turn.” He turned to look at the couch. “Twistey?”
Twistey hesitated for a bit, thinking of all the pain of her mistakes. Then she slowly stood. She raised her arm so it was straight out in front of her, her fingers were closed… and then turned the offensive salute into a dab. Everyone rejoiced.
Welcome to Ship War: Ridiculous Edition.
THEMATIC MUSIC: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oi3QmAmrG6M
-Twistey
