Been a bit late to that, but it is nice to see other missions for the Persona fandom! I also like the little jab about MC potentially buying and hoarding everything (although my money was rather spent on Social Stats boosts and Personae myself). The way the canon were enlisted was interesting too.

I hope you can find the opportunities to write more missions in the future.

This isn't a canon I know at all, but I would say you did a fine job of making it readable for unfamiliar folks like me. You kept the named characters down to three to maintain focus on the basic aspects of the plot, so I didn't get overwhelmed with a bunch of unfamiliar names. I'll admit I would like to know a bit more about the Dark Hour, at the same time, I think you communicated the main features of that event throughout the course of the mission, so my lack of understanding is probably just my own curiosity. I don't think the mission suffered at all for that.

I enjoyed the scene where the agents were actively tracking Hamuko with the CAD, and we got to see the character fluctuation change in real time. It gave an element of fluidity to the moment, rather than just being a series of numbers interspersed throughout the mission. I also liked the planning stage at the end. Even though roping canon characters into helping the agents isn't standard, I think it's appropriate for agents to recognize when they're outmatched, and to use the features available to them in the canon. Valka's bonus Medical trap for Elena at the end was a fun surprise, as well. I liked that the agents got some downtime to spend at the arcade, even though it was partly foreshadowing what was happening to Elena. I like it when missions cause personal roadblocks for the agents, so having Elena get charmed by the poisoned cookies was a nice way to impact the agents' functionality in an on-theme way, even though you engineered the event out of whole cloth.

One section that stood out as confusing was the conversation the agents had in their RC before the mission. Discussing the Persona series segues into talking about shape-shifting species in Fire Emblem, and I don't understand the connection between the two topic threads. It feels like a very abrupt change to me. Am I missing a connection between the two topics?

Finally, some typos Hieronymus Graubart missed (But he caught some I missed, so we're even.):

"Valka didn’t want to hurt her partner, and that meant being gentle, but it also meant not going to love hotel with someone clearly under the influence of something."

"to a love hotel"

"'Elena, listen to yourself!' Valka said back "

(No end punctuation here.)

"She could reasonably call the wraith possessing a Hamuko a special kind of shadow, which wasn’t too far from the truth."

An extra word.

Also, I wasn't sure about "charmdi" in the one CAD readout. I suspect it's a canon thing, but I wanted to point it out just in case.

—doctorlit beneath the mask

I have no idea who the canon characters are and what they are supposed to do, so I just liked to read about your agents and I hope I’ll see more of them. But I think I spotted some missing words:

The agents knew that wasn’t going to a good place to hide, and managed to make a desk pop in over them. Shouldn’t this be "going to be a good place"?

Her eyes remained glued to scene. Shouldn’t this be "to the scene"?

and neither of them would able to scratch Hamuko through the right persona Shouldn’t this be "would be able"?

“Hey, cutie,” Elena began, reaching her across the table, “why don’t we go liven up the dance floor?” I’m not actually sure what’s missing here, but the phrase looks incomplete to me.

Also, when Hamuko and Fuuka briefly spouted an extra pair of arms, I wonder whether you may have intended to write "sprouted".

HG

I think using the badfic's time distortion with the cookies made for an interesting subplot.

(And on your behalf, for that matter. I'm glad you pulled through, though!)

This was a good way of handling those serious charges - and the badfic's endorsement of non-con. It also played up the contrast between your agents more as the mission went on, which was good.

I did spot one repetition as I was reading, though: "I don’t know know what’s gotten into you, but I’m not doing anything more until it passes.”

Was the first know included for emphasis? That could be neat, if it was intended.

Thank you for writing! =D

I liked how the cookies affected Elena - it was a nice twists.

I also like that you pointed out some of the good parts of the fic.

Overall, there was a good balance of pointing out problems with the fic and agent interaction stuff, and (as best I can tell) did a good job of showing the problems with the fic without going in to too much detail.

Ooooh, Valka must be in emotional distress from the charm bit, that was a clever way to complicate Partner Dynamics.

Great work!

"Does DoSAT have a division/workshop for repairing broken canonical items/characters? Had I continued as far as I originally planned, someone would have needed some major repairs, so it would be good to know if I can go to DoSAT if I run into something similar in the future."

• DoSAT would probably repair canon items if needed, but those usually snap back once the canon world's put to rights.

• For fixing characters, that's what Medical does. They're not just there to patch up the Agents. XD