Subject: The mini is yours (nm)
Posted on: 2019-11-30 00:12:30 UTC
Subject: The mini is yours (nm)
First Mission! by
on 2019-11-03 00:12:26 UTC
Over two years after getting permission, my first mission is finally finished! It turns out that a combination of PTSD, pneumonia, and a life threatening heart arrhythmia makes it very hard to get any writing done. I would like to thank Neshomeh for doing an excellent job beta reading this mission (and being very patient with me not responding while dealing with all of that). Be warned that the fic being missioned is NSFW and contains rape. The fic consists of the agents dealing with a slashwraith that doesn't realize that realize that Marin Karin Is Not Consent.
The badfic in question is still up on AO3 and even has a sequel, if you feel brave enough to look for it. Be warned that it is long, bad, NSFW, and has some charges not mentioned in the mission, including trans fetishization (despite having only cis characters) and "BDSM" that would actually break the victim. I was originally planning on missioning the fic through that point, but decided against it as the resulting mission would be way too long. The mission is still a little longer than I expected, although it does have a lot of badfic to cover. Actually writing it was fairly easy, as there was a rather perfect coincidence to add some conflict for the agents to deal with and no shortage of things to point out and mock.
One question prompted by parts of the fic I didn't get to: Does DoSAT have a division/workshop for repairing broken canonical items/characters? Had I continued as far as I originally planned, someone would have needed some major repairs, so it would be good to know if I can go to DoSAT if I run into something similar in the future.
Nice read! by
on 2019-11-13 16:37:46 UTC
Been a bit late to that, but it is nice to see other missions for the Persona fandom! I also like the little jab about MC potentially buying and hoarding everything (although my money was rather spent on Social Stats boosts and Personae myself). The way the canon were enlisted was interesting too.
I hope you can find the opportunities to write more missions in the future.
Re: mission by
on 2019-11-08 12:47:38 UTC
This isn't a canon I know at all, but I would say you did a fine job of making it readable for unfamiliar folks like me. You kept the named characters down to three to maintain focus on the basic aspects of the plot, so I didn't get overwhelmed with a bunch of unfamiliar names. I'll admit I would like to know a bit more about the Dark Hour, at the same time, I think you communicated the main features of that event throughout the course of the mission, so my lack of understanding is probably just my own curiosity. I don't think the mission suffered at all for that.
I enjoyed the scene where the agents were actively tracking Hamuko with the CAD, and we got to see the character fluctuation change in real time. It gave an element of fluidity to the moment, rather than just being a series of numbers interspersed throughout the mission. I also liked the planning stage at the end. Even though roping canon characters into helping the agents isn't standard, I think it's appropriate for agents to recognize when they're outmatched, and to use the features available to them in the canon. Valka's bonus Medical trap for Elena at the end was a fun surprise, as well. I liked that the agents got some downtime to spend at the arcade, even though it was partly foreshadowing what was happening to Elena. I like it when missions cause personal roadblocks for the agents, so having Elena get charmed by the poisoned cookies was a nice way to impact the agents' functionality in an on-theme way, even though you engineered the event out of whole cloth.
One section that stood out as confusing was the conversation the agents had in their RC before the mission. Discussing the Persona series segues into talking about shape-shifting species in Fire Emblem, and I don't understand the connection between the two topic threads. It feels like a very abrupt change to me. Am I missing a connection between the two topics?
Finally, some typos Hieronymus Graubart missed (But he caught some I missed, so we're even.):
"Valka didn’t want to hurt her partner, and that meant being gentle, but it also meant not going to love hotel with someone clearly under the influence of something."
"to a love hotel"
"'Elena, listen to yourself!' Valka said back "
(No end punctuation here.)
"She could reasonably call the wraith possessing a Hamuko a special kind of shadow, which wasn’t too far from the truth."
An extra word.
Also, I wasn't sure about "charmdi" in the one CAD readout. I suspect it's a canon thing, but I wanted to point it out just in case.
—doctorlit beneath the mask
Thank you! by
on 2019-11-10 20:51:44 UTC
I can't take full credit for this being comprehensible to people not familiar with Persona, Neshomeh showed me every case where something might be unclear to someone unfamiliar with the canon. The idea of having an agent fall under badfic effects was taken from Iximaz and Granz's mission for "THE RIGHT MATE AT THE WRONG TIME".
The connection between Persona and Fire Emblem is the fandoms, and Elena asks if Valka's knowledge of the Persona series comes from that overlap.
Charmdi is indeed a canon thing.
Oof, I almost forgot. May I adopt that mini you found? (nm) by
on 2019-11-14 13:06:42 UTC
Well done. by
on 2019-11-06 12:56:32 UTC
I have no idea who the canon characters are and what they are supposed to do, so I just liked to read about your agents and I hope I’ll see more of them. But I think I spotted some missing words:
The agents knew that wasn’t going to a good place to hide, and managed to make a desk pop in over them. Shouldn’t this be "going to be a good place"?
Her eyes remained glued to scene. Shouldn’t this be "to the scene"?
and neither of them would able to scratch Hamuko through the right persona Shouldn’t this be "would be able"?
“Hey, cutie,” Elena began, reaching her across the table, “why don’t we go liven up the dance floor?” I’m not actually sure what’s missing here, but the phrase looks incomplete to me.
Also, when Hamuko and Fuuka briefly spouted an extra pair of arms, I wonder whether you may have intended to write "sprouted".
I'm sorry! by
on 2019-11-10 19:57:08 UTC
I am VERY bad at noticing small words missing, and as Neshomeh will certainly tell you, there were a lot of them originally. While I am a bit disappointed that I let some slip through, I'm not surprised.
Nice mission! by
on 2019-11-06 01:43:44 UTC
I think using the badfic's time distortion with the cookies made for an interesting subplot.
On behalf of your characters: Ouch! by
on 2019-11-04 00:49:50 UTC
(And on your behalf, for that matter. I'm glad you pulled through, though!)
This was a good way of handling those serious charges - and the badfic's endorsement of non-con. It also played up the contrast between your agents more as the mission went on, which was good.
I did spot one repetition as I was reading, though: "I don’t know know what’s gotten into you, but I’m not doing anything more until it passes.”
Was the first know included for emphasis? That could be neat, if it was intended.
Thank you for writing! =D
I'm glad you liked it! by
on 2019-11-10 19:36:37 UTC
I wasn't sure if the agent dynamic I had written was going to work.
The repeated word is just an error though.
That was good by
on 2019-11-03 23:12:43 UTC
I liked how the cookies affected Elena - it was a nice twists.
I also like that you pointed out some of the good parts of the fic.
Overall, there was a good balance of pointing out problems with the fic and agent interaction stuff, and (as best I can tell) did a good job of showing the problems with the fic without going in to too much detail.
Good one! by
on 2019-11-03 06:16:46 UTC
Ooooh, Valka must be in emotional distress from the charm bit, that was a clever way to complicate Partner Dynamics.
Before reading the actual mission, I have answers... (nm) by
on 2019-11-03 00:16:54 UTC
"Does DoSAT have a division/workshop for repairing broken canonical items/characters? Had I continued as far as I originally planned, someone would have needed some major repairs, so it would be good to know if I can go to DoSAT if I run into something similar in the future."
DoSAT would probably repair canon items if needed, but those usually snap back once the canon world's put to rights.
For fixing characters, that's what Medical does. They're not just there to patch up the Agents. XD
But this is a robot character, and I'm not sure if Medical or DoSAT would handle that. (nm) by
on 2019-11-03 00:21:21 UTC