Subject: Re: mission
Posted on: 2020-07-30 13:38:55 UTC
This was a good introduction mission! It gives a simple first impression of the agents and their dynamic together, and also highlighted very clearly how the fanfiction didn’t work with canon. I liked the unique idea of O’Ryan needing to read the words through a spinning yo-yo string.
One thing that wasn’t clear to me was why O’Ryan kept getting affected by the narration of the fic, but not Kitty. Is that a problem that’s unique to him, or is Kitty’s nature as a Mii blocking the fic’s ability to control her?
Congratulations on your very first doctorlit typo report:
“It probably had to do with the fact that they both loved math and loved to explain to each other on how they solved math problems.”
The “on” is redundant. The phrase, “explain to each other how they solved” sounds just fine as it is!
“He snagged the objects that they would need for the mission: a C-CAD, crash dummy, a backpack to put these things in, a neuralizer, D.O.R.K.S, and, of course, an RA.”
“‘O’Ryan?’ she repeated, putting her shaking hand onto O'Ryan shoulder.”
“‘It isn't canon for him to just go and throw a book at someone. He set the C-CAD down.”
The quotation mark after “someone” is missing.
“‘What a first mission,’ O'Ryan said, dropping the backpack full of stuff and the newly acquired scythe onto the ground and flopping into this rolling chair.”
I assume “this” was supposed to be either “his” or “the”?
I look forward to hearing more from you!
Oh, also, I would like to adopt Cyberteonian. Since you created the mini type, are there any notes you’d like to share about how mini-Vehicons look and behave?