This was an okay mission...

Subject: This was an okay mission...
Author: Damian Thorne
Posted on: 2020-08-01 23:35:24 UTC

Keep in mind that this is a man with very high standards for himself and others. And by high, I mean "There are only three qualities of writing – amazing, spork-worthy, and not worth reading" high.

This... didn't really draw me in on the first read. The prose felt very beige. The characters didn't feel bright and vibrant. Their interactions lacked the energy they should have. They didn't react to the fic's shenanigans as often or as violently as they should. Part of that was probably yesterday's mood, but upon reading it again now, it still lingers. It's just not funny.

So, here are some tips for improvement.

Spice up your characters' dialogue more. Add some exclamation marks when O'Ryan says, "Ow!" Have them do more than just go, "Oh, that's not how that works."
Try to increase your characters' reactions to the fic's atrocities. For example, Cody turning into a T-shirt. That's pretty bad, and your agents' reactions to it should span more than two sentences that aren't even dialogue. Try to do some more with this scene, like showing how incredulous Kitty or O'Ryan are. As another example, you could have O'Ryan freak out more when his C-CAD is destroyed, or just have him complain about what that means.
Wherever there is a chance to make a joke, make it. A good place to start would be when the Sue says, "this planet is nothing but organic life matter?" The planet would then become nothing but generic organic life matter – no bricks, no concrete, no stone, no molten-iron core, not even water. You could then proceed to show just how much this screws everything up – the loss of the Earth's iron core, for example, would eliminate its magnetic field with the ensuing consequences, and the low density of Generic Organic Matter compared to what the Earth is made out of would either cause gravity to decrease drastically or the planet to swell dramatically, causing pain for our agents.

With that out of the way, here are some smaller things that could improve it a bit more.

Kitty giggled. The Words had interpreted "sweety" as "sweaty," and Blades was sweating very heavily. The period after "giggled" could be replaced by an m-dash – this would improve the flow because it would more clearly establish the connection between Kitty's giggling and Blades's sweating.
She tightened her grip on his jacket, making O'Ryan realize that she was scared. This sentence is the opposite. The second clause should be split off into "O'Ryan realized that she was scared." Again, this would improve the flow of the scene by putting more emphasis on it. The simple sentences can draw the reader's attention to O'Ryan's realization about Kitty's emotional state.
The team was giving Lunareclipse a tour of the firehouse. Looking at the Words, Kitty figured out that the Sue thought Boulder was the brains of the team while Blades... The "While Blades.." part doesn't work, because it's supposed to be in the part where Kitty is reading the Words. What follows it, however, is something Kitty supposedly witnesses in the fic-world. The unmarked transition is jarring. I would suggest reworking this part.

While Tomash's comment on AO3 is correct - this is pretty solid and doesn't overquote the fic – it could use some work before it becomes truly good in my eyes. Don't worry, though – as long as you take criticism, I'm sure you'll get the hang of this.

But hey, that's just a-

Damian Thorne was shot by ???

Reply Return to messages

Jump to this post's position in the thread ↴

First Mission! by Kittyauthor on 2020-07-30 02:01:59 UTC Writing Reply

In which O'Ryan and Kittyauthor deal with a rather normal Sue, besides her being able to transform into a dragon.

First Mission

I'll do wiki stuff tomorrow.

This was an okay mission... by Damian Thorne on 2020-08-01 23:35:24 UTC Edited Reply
Keep in mind that this is a man with very high standards for himself and others. And by high, I mean "There are only three qualities of writing – amazing, spork-worthy, and not worth reading" high.

This... didn't really draw me in on the first read. The prose felt very beige. The characters didn't feel bright and vibrant. Their interactions lacked the energy they should have. They didn't react to the fic's shenanigans as often or as violently as they should. Part of that was probably yesterday's mood, but upon reading it again now, it still lingers. It's just not funny.

So, here are some tips for improvement.
- Spice up your characters' dialogue more. Add some exclamation marks when O'Ryan says, "Ow!" Have them do more than just go, "Oh, that's not how that works."
- Try to increase your characters' reactions to the fic's atrocities. For example, Cody turning into a T-shirt. That's pretty bad, and your agents' reactions to it should span more than two sentences that aren't even dialogue. Try to do some more with this scene, like showing how incredulous Kitty or O'Ryan are. As another example, you could have O'Ryan freak out more when his C-CAD is destroyed, or just have him complain about what that means.
- Wherever there is a chance to make a joke, make it. A good place to start would be when the Sue says, "this planet is nothing but organic life matter?" The planet would then become nothing but generic organic life matter – no bricks, no concrete, no stone, no molten-iron core, not even water. You could then proceed to show just how much this screws everything up – the loss of the Earth's iron core, for example, would eliminate its magnetic field with the ensuing consequences, and the low density of Generic Organic Matter compared to what the Earth is made out of would either cause gravity to decrease drastically or the planet to swell dramatically, causing pain for our agents.
With that out of the way, here are some smaller things that could improve it a bit more.
- Kitty giggled. The Words had interpreted "sweety" as "sweaty," and Blades was sweating very heavily. The period after "giggled" could be replaced by an m-dash – this would improve the flow because it would more clearly establish the connection between Kitty's giggling and Blades's sweating.
- She tightened her grip on his jacket, making O'Ryan realize that she was scared. This sentence is the opposite. The second clause should be split off into "O'Ryan realized that she was scared." Again, this would improve the flow of the scene by putting more emphasis on it. The simple sentences can draw the reader's attention to O'Ryan's realization about Kitty's emotional state.
- The team was giving Lunareclipse a tour of the firehouse. Looking at the Words, Kitty figured out that the Sue thought Boulder was the brains of the team while Blades... The "While Blades.." part doesn't work, because it's supposed to be in the part where Kitty is reading the Words. What follows it, however, is something Kitty supposedly witnesses in the fic-world. The unmarked transition is jarring. I would suggest reworking this part.
While Tomash's comment on AO3 is correct - this is pretty solid and doesn't overquote the fic – it could use some work before it becomes truly good in my eyes. Don't worry, though – as long as you take criticism, I'm sure you'll get the hang of this.

But hey, that's just a-

Damian Thorne was shot by ???

*shrugs* Hey, good criticism by Kittyauthor on 2020-08-04 18:52:33 UTC Edited Reply

"Keep in mind that this is a man with very high standards for himself and others. And by high, I mean "There are only three qualities of writing – amazing, spork-worthy, and not worth reading" high."

Mind, I'm also new at "imbed the story, with quotes, within your story." I will get better with practice. That being said, I'll be open to any criticism you have.

"This... didn't really draw me in on the first read. The prose felt very beige. The characters didn't feel bright and vibrant. Their interactions lacked the energy they should have. They didn't react to the fic's shenanigans as often or as violently as they should. Part of that was probably yesterday's mood, but upon reading it again now, it still lingers. It's just not funny."

The first writing was terrible, then. If this isn't funny, then the first write was spork-worthy.

grabs shovel I shall dig into it.

"The prose felt very beige."

I felt that my own writing was growing very beige towards the end because I wanted it done. Through my own reread, I see what you mean. It seems... rushed, like I'm going through the events at sonic speed.

"The characters didn't feel bright and vibrant."

Indeed. Something you didn't point out, but I noticed, was that I seemed to be shoving O'Ryan's curse down the reader's throat. That probably is in the "not vibrant" part, but something I wanted to point out about my own writing.

"Their interactions lacked the energy they should have. They didn't react to the fic's shenanigans as often or as violently as they should."

Noted. Kittyauthor probably should've been more scared from the events. O'Ryan... not so much, but still some.

"So, here are some tips for improvement."

I'm not going to go through them all in this reply, but all have been noted.

"While Tomash's comment on AO3 is correct - this is pretty solid and doesn't overquote the fic – it could use some work before it becomes truly good in my eyes. Don't worry, though – as long as you take criticism, I'm sure you'll get the hang of this."

As I do.

~~Wait, Tomash commented on my mission?~~

But, either way, valid points, valid points. I know, one of these days, I'll look back on it and cringe, and it will all be related, somehow, to the things you pointed out.

All in all, it may have been just a-

Kittyauthor falls down

Well, fudge.

Kittyauthor, who thought they themself would take the criticism badly, but didn't and will try better next time.

(P.S. Criticism is criticism, no matter how sophisticated the tastes are. Thank you.)

(Edit from way into the future: Yes, past!kA was right. I am cringing a bit as I reread it. That being said, it isn't horrible. I see my mistakes more clearly now. It'll be something I learn from.)

Re: mission by doctorlit on 2020-07-30 13:38:55 UTC Reply

This was a good introduction mission! It gives a simple first impression of the agents and their dynamic together, and also highlighted very clearly how the fanfiction didn’t work with canon. I liked the unique idea of O’Ryan needing to read the words through a spinning yo-yo string.

One thing that wasn’t clear to me was why O’Ryan kept getting affected by the narration of the fic, but not Kitty. Is that a problem that’s unique to him, or is Kitty’s nature as a Mii blocking the fic’s ability to control her?

Congratulations on your very first doctorlit typo report:

“It probably had to do with the fact that they both loved math and loved to explain to each other on how they solved math problems.”
The “on” is redundant. The phrase, “explain to each other how they solved” sounds just fine as it is!

“He snagged the objects that they would need for the mission: a C-CAD, crash dummy, a backpack to put these things in, a neuralizer, D.O.R.K.S, and, of course, an RA.”
“neuralyzer”

“‘O’Ryan?’ she repeated, putting her shaking hand onto O'Ryan shoulder.”
“O’Ryan’s”

“‘It isn't canon for him to just go and throw a book at someone. He set the C-CAD down.”
The quotation mark after “someone” is missing.

“‘What a first mission,’ O'Ryan said, dropping the backpack full of stuff and the newly acquired scythe onto the ground and flopping into this rolling chair.”
I assume “this” was supposed to be either “his” or “the”?

I look forward to hearing more from you!

Oh, also, I would like to adopt Cyberteonian. Since you created the mini type, are there any notes you’d like to share about how mini-Vehicons look and behave?

—doctorlit, reviewing

Glad you liked it! by Kittyauthor on 2020-07-30 15:23:21 UTC Edited Reply

"This was a good introduction mission! It gives a simple first impression of the agents and their dynamic together, and also highlighted very clearly how the fanfiction didn’t work with canon."

Thanks! I was afraid that it wasn't going to be good, which is why I tried to wait for another beta. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

" I liked the unique idea of O’Ryan needing to read the words through a spinning yo-yo string."

Like I said to hS, I figured O'Ryan wouldn't get off too easily with reading the words because of his curse.

"One thing that wasn’t clear to me was why O’Ryan kept getting affected by the narration of the fic, but not Kitty. Is that a problem that’s unique to him, or is Kitty’s nature as a Mii blocking the fic’s ability to control her?"

It's a problem unique to O'Ryan. He has an IO curse of sorts which makes the narration affect him more than Kitty.

"Congratulations on your very first doctorlit typo report"

Yes!

"I look forward to hearing more from you!"

Thanks!

"Oh, also, I would like to adopt Cyberteonian."

scribbles that down

"Since you created the mini type, are there any notes you’d like to share about how mini-Vehicons look and behave?"

They tend to be loyal to their owner, a carryover from the Vehicons being loyal to Megatron minor Prime spoilers. You could probably command them to do something and they would do it. They are shorter in height than Kitty (who is 3 foot 2) and they adopted their canon counterparts' "speak only when it's funny to do so" behavior. Their canon counterparts could speak in full, grammatically correct sentences. Most of them are purple, although TFwiki said they could come in other colors as well (I need to check which). They have two forms: their not form and one vehicle form. Said vehicle form can be a car, airplane/jet, a tank, or a helicopter. Their vehicle form is about the size of a model car/jet/helicopter/tank.

Here's an image from Prime

Note that these transform into cars, notable with the car wheels. Airplane versions don't have that.

Since your mini is a species name, you get to decide what it transforms into.

Kittyauthor, who had to edit this post a few times because the image wasn't showing up.

That means, it's time . . . by doctorlit on 2020-08-02 14:14:30 UTC Reply

A mini-Balrog walked slowly through the hallway, head swinging back and forth as it meandered through. The area was empty of agents. It clutched a glowing chunk of coal in one hand. As it drew near the Mini Adoption Center's doorway, it slowed even more, examining every inch of the hallway.

Just as it reached the doorway, a deep voice spoke. "Well, well, well. The original. The classic." The wall opposite the Center lifted away—one of the Janitorial Division's hidden closets—and a small man in a black suit stepped out. "I'll be blunt, demon. I'm forming a team of minis to become more active participants in canon protection, and I've been hoping beyond hope to have one of your kind among our number. You in?"

The mini-Balrog stared, just for a moment. "I knew it," it said, in an oddly human-sounding voice.

Midguard raised an eyebrow.

The Balrog jabbed a finger into the lump of coal, and after a beam of light, and an incongruous prrrp noise, the Balrog with coal was replaced by a human with a metal cube: Adoption Center employee Omri Stone.

Midguard said, "@#*%."

"I knew it!" Stone said again. "Do you have any idea how much paperwork you've made for me lately!? The Nightshade thinks we've been losing minis!"

"Easy, friend," said Midguard, backing quickly down the hallway. "We're all on the same side, here."

"Don't think you can distract me!" Stone marched over to the closet. "I know you've at least got the fish in here. What about the Missingno.?"

But as he neared the closet, Physic's body panels flowed under the door in a torrent, Making Stone lose his footing and land flat on the ground.

"It's time to go!" Midguard yelled.

Fortesque climbed out the top of the doorway, with Marj held in a hammock of silk. "We can't outrun human legssssss," the spider hissed, and Stone was already getting up.

Suddenly, in the Adoption Center doorway, there it was. A short purple robot. It saluted. "It would be an honor!"

Miguard's eyes lit up. "Hell yeah, I want a robot!"

"You're not taking anyone!" Stone yelled, making a jumping grab for Fortesque. Fortesque retreated up the wall, hissing.

"Right now, we need to make a getaway," said Midguard, as Stone rounded on him.

The robot made a rather distinctive sound as it rearranged its parts, transforming into a purple car. It raced over to Midguard, who grabbed a hold on the side of the windshield and jumped on, just as Stone tried to seize Midguard. Fortesque dropped down from a strand of webbing, straddling around Midguard with the tips of its legs on the edges of the car roof. Cyberteonian peeled away from the scene, with Physic flying through the air above them.

Midguard smiled. "Assembled at last."

The Avengers Minitiative
~~coming April 26, 2019~~

part one part two part three

—doctorlit. Now what?

Omri Stone opened the door to the janitor's closet and strode forward to a box on the far wall. He removed a rubber glove.

"Fine," he said, yanking it down onto his left hand. "This time, I'll do it myself."

"Didn't you just try to do it yourself?" asked a mini-Bat-Mite flying behind him.

"Shut up."

"I'm just saying, the thing you just said doesn't make any sense in context."

"I said, shut up."

Yesssss. by Huinesoron on 2020-08-03 07:34:04 UTC Reply

(Sorry, clearly channeling Fortesque there.)

Amazing.

hS
XD I like you a lot right now, doc. That was hilarious. by Zingenmir on 2020-08-02 19:54:45 UTC Reply

Also, once upon a time, I did quite a bit with mini-Furys for the MCU OFU (which unfortunately still hasn't quite gotten off the ground. Winter Soldier stymied us a bit, though it eventually produced a pretty great change; and then it's just been...life, really, for both me and my co-writer, Karen DuLay). Still, if you ever want to compare notes, I have a few. In the form of...mostly not actual notes, but the point is, I have metaphorical notes, and this sentence is refusing to end now, help.

Anyway, yeah. That was pretty amusing, especially the ending. I hate Thanos (in just about every way possible, including just his general presence and how it was handled--which is saying something, really, because I've seen the actor in at least one other role and thought he was fantastic! And I suppose Thanos isn't really poorly acted, he just...I really dislike him both as a character and as part of the story, which is rare. I normally have a pretty high tolerance for plot ideas that other people heavily dislike or think were ridiculous. Also, now this aside won't end! What's going on here?), but...that was a great (mis)use of it.

~Z, who might not be as awake as she feels? It's been a long day. There was a nap. I have since woken up from said nap, but admittedly need to put together a meal, of remarkable ingredients, to satiate the hunger that snacks cannot--

: D by doctorlit on 2020-08-03 20:01:22 UTC Reply

Glad you enjoyed so! And I would definitely appreciate any thoughts you have on the mini-Nicks. I don't really consider these little blurbs I've been writing "final" yet, so I'm willing to make any changes to keep Midguard consist with the OFU.

Yeah, I don't like Thanos much either, and am bothered by how much real-life support his plan got around the time of Infinity Wars. But when I realized a janitor's closet would be full of gloves . . . except they totally wouldn't in the PPC, would they? All the janitors are Flowers. Oops. Maybe it's a Building Maintenance closet? >_> But yeah, I couldn't resist an after-credits scene.

—doctorlit hopes you got well rested and restored!

That was fun... by Damian Thorne on 2020-08-02 15:56:42 UTC Reply
...but now it's my turn to point out typos!

Do you have any idea how much paperwork you've made for me lately!?

Isn't the question mark always supposed to come before the exclamation mark?

But as he neared the closet, Physic's body panels flowed under the door in a torrent, Making Stone lose his footing and land flat on the ground.

"Making" is improperly capitalized.
- Damian Thorne

Thanks for catching the "Making." by doctorlit on 2020-08-03 19:45:56 UTC Reply

I've never heard of interrobangs requiring a certain order. I usually pick the order case by case, depending on what emotion I'm conveying. In this story, Stone was asking a question in the form of an angry complaint, so I put the exclamation point first. If I were putting the question mark first, it would be to invoke more of a horrified gasp:

She put her hands over her mouth, eyes wide. "Why would you . . ." Hearing how muffled her voice was, she removed her hands and continued, "How could you do something like this?!"

Or maybe more of a startled or panicked feeling?

Hearing no answer, he turned to glare at her. But she was gone.

He stared for a moment. "Where did you go?" He dropped his tools and scrambled to his feet, rushing out the door. "Where did she go?!"

But that's just me.

—doctorlit!?

This feels so traditional. by Huinesoron on 2020-07-30 12:15:56 UTC Reply

Your writing style sends me right back to the early days of the PPC - back before we all stumbled into mile-long missions which were only complete when somebody died. (I blame... uh, me for that.) It's really nice. :)

Things that stuck out were the yoyo (which amused me) and the maths discussion (which charmed me). The only SPG error that I noticed was the missing closing quote in this paragraph: "It isn't canon for him to just go and throw a book at someone. He set the C-CAD down. Could he have looked ahead in the Words, he wouldn't have placed it on the floor.

Welcome to Team Mission Writing. Hope you have fun!

hS

Aw! Thanks :) by Kittyauthor on 2020-07-30 14:57:37 UTC Reply

"Your writing style sends me right back to the early days of the PPC - back before we all stumbled into mile-long missions which were only complete when somebody died."

I don't like killing off my characters. And mile long? As in, 10k words and over? I saw quite a few of them, but I also saw 2k-3k word fics as well, so I'm not the only one who writes short missions. Either way, I'm glad I remind you of the early days.

"Things that stuck out were the yoyo (which amused me)"

Thanks! I thought I was going to make people mad by breaking that mold a little bit. Every mission I saw had characters that could just stare at a space and see the words or look off into space and see them. I wanted to be a bit different with O'Ryan, and I figured that his curse wouldn't allow him to get off too easily with the words, you know?

"and the maths discussion (which charmed me)."

They love math. I love math. It's easy to talk about for me. I'm glad you liked it so much!

I'll get to the SPaG. Doc pointed that one out too.

"Welcome to Team Mission Writing. Hope you have fun!"

Thanks! Hope you have fun reading my stuff!

Kittyauthor, who is glad that their first mission wasn't a flop.