"Banned from Discworld"

Subject: "Banned from Discworld"
Author: Thoth
Posted on: 2021-04-04 17:44:09 UTC

Not technically a shanty, but rather a rewrite of the classic filk song, "Banned From Argo".

> When we portalled to Ankh-Morpork for a much-needed break > We each set out to find what such mementos we could take > Each of us tread lightly as we wandered off to see > But it seems the city's unprepared for agents such as we

And we're banned from Discworld everyone! Banned from Discworld just for havin' a little fun We took a jolly trip there for a mere three days or four But the flowers won't allow it anymore

Our Slasher's needs were simple but her methods were complex Filching memorbilia with multiversal tech We kept our eyes upon her fingers but she must have had a chance She portalled home with almost half of Vetinari's pants

And we're banned from Discworld everyone! Banned from Discworld just for havin' a little fun We took a jolly trip there for a mere three days or four But the flowers won't allow it anymore.

The Assassin drank most heartily from anything with Bleep After so much work it was such that he needed it to sleep The trouble really started when he mixed it with some Splot And all of us went deaf when next we heard him try to talk

And we're banned from Discworld everyone! Banned from Discworld just for havin' a little fun We took a jolly trip there for a mere three days or four But the flowers won't allow it anymore

The Floater was a silent type, without much need for rest He went to Stibbons' building just to see what he could test He was well versed in magic (at least of a sort) that's true But Hex is now possessed by both a daemon and a grue

And we're banned from Discworld everyone! Banned from Discworld just for havin' a little fun We took a jolly trip there for a mere three days or four But the flowers won't allow it anymore

The technician had no lust objects as far as we could tell She never asked for anything and did her job quite well We didn't pay attention and we realized our mistake When the whole of the Seamstress' Guild began to shake

And we're banned from Discworld everyone! Banned from Discworld just for havin' a little fun We took a jolly trip there for a mere three days or four But the flowers won't allow it anymore

Our Pyro had been punished for his own proclivities We hid all of the matches and the gas quite carefully Nobody for a moment even let him out of sight We were quite confused how the Assassin's Guild was set alight

And we're banned from Discworld everyone! Banned from Discworld just for havin' a little fun We took a jolly trip there for a mere three days or four But the flowers won't allow it anymore

Wonder why? ```

Jump to this post's position in the thread ↴

PPC Shanties by Lily Winterwood on 2021-04-02 23:48:59 UTC Writing Reply

This thing recently got lodged in my brain so please, take it:

There once was a Sue, first name Mary
Who joined the Quest to destroy the Ring
Her skills contrived, her past tragic,
Her boyfriend Legolas

Chorus: Soon may the PPC come
To witness, charge, and kill, and run
One day when the mission is done
We’ll take our leave and go

She had not been two hours in town
When to the Council she went down
Revealing that she had the crown
Of some land still unknown

[chorus]

When Frodo said he’d take the Ring
The Sue thought it’d be a nice thing
To tag along and therefore bring
The Walkers up to ten

[chorus]

When Crebain flew, the Sue did see
A chance to hit on poor Leggy
She disregarded secrecy
To try and hold her prince

[chorus]

In Moria, at the East Gate
The Sue tried to change Gandalf’s fate
But Balrog whips do not forsake
And down Mithrandir went

[chorus]

In Lorien, Galadriel
Spoke with the Sue of tidings fell
And let her peer into a well
To see her future there

[chorus]

Poor Boromir, whose country’s need
The Sue decided was Ring-greed
He suffered from misogyny
At her hands, and then died

[chorus]

The agents had enough of this
They’ve compiled a huge charge list
And for the Duty, they won’t miss
The Sue, shot in the head

[chorus]

Drunken Sailor or Drunken Agent by Midnight on 2021-04-08 12:09:56 UTC Edited Reply

What do you do with a drunken agent

What do you do with a drunken agent

What do you do with a drunken agent

Early in the mission?

Way hay and away we go

Way hay and away we go

Way hay and away we go

Early in the mission!

Kill the Sue with a rusty razor

Kill the Sue with a rusty razor

Kill the Sue with a rusty razor

Early in the mission!

Chorus

Put them with an LO ‘til they’re sober

Put them with an LO ‘til they’re sober

Put them with an LO ‘til they’re sober

Early in the mission!

Chorus

Stick some Bleeprin down their throats

Stick some Bleeprin down their throats

Stick some Bleeprin down their throats

Early in the mission!

Chorus

Put them in the bed with a good Uruk Hai

Put them in the bed with a good Uruk Hai

Put them in the bed with a good Uruk Hai

Early in the mission!

Chorus

That’s what we do with a drunken agent

That’s what we do with a drunken agent

That’s what we do with a drunken agent

Early in the mission!

Chorus x2
Okay so this isn't *technically* shant. BUT! by Scapegrace on 2021-04-07 21:47:08 UTC Reply

I'd already written it and my brain has been made of white noise and clouds for the past week. So! You get this.

Nouvelle Caledonie, a PPC version of Galway Bay.

I'll try and write a proper PPChant later on tonight. =]

And this is a filk about one of my favourite partnerships. by Scapegrace on 2021-04-07 23:37:16 UTC Edited Reply

To the tune of "The Bonny Ship The Diamond"

With apologies to The Corries, The Longest Johns, and whoever it was that decided to put word to music back then.

There's agents gone away, they have, to a new Word World they're bound,

Their history is garnished all with bonny lasses round.

The Sunflower gave the order for to end a bloody tide,

In fics where glitter breaks the brain like darkness dims the sky.

Chorus (after each verse):

And it's go, break the words, be they purple or stale,

For the bonny Ix and Charlotte go a-fishing through the fail.

And it's go, break the words, be they purple or stale,

For the bonny Ix and Charlotte go a-fishing through the fail.

Along Headquarters' corridors, the agents stand around,

Black jumpsuits pulled about them and the salt tears running down.

Now don't you weep, my dearest friends, though you be left behind,

For you'll get a paid vacation 'ere those agents change their minds

Chorus

Three cheers to the Aviator, likewise to her good friend Dawn,

Here's a health to the Bonnefoy lad and Zeb, that ship of fire and fame.

But clad in jackets midnight-black, with all-else that shade too,

When Ix and Charlotte shall return, they'll have fine scars anew

Chorus

Oh, stars be bright both day and night when Assassin girls come home,

With pockets full of fandom junk, and trade wares to their name.

They'll push their bunks together and their blankets shall they share,

And saying more will constitute bad slash again, I fear!

Chorus x2

Aww. by Neshomeh on 2021-04-08 16:54:54 UTC Reply

I don't know "The Diamond" well (yet), but very nice, and I like the ending.

There's a lot of room for these songs to be about other kinds of ships, isn't there? {= D

~Neshomeh

There is a bit! =] by Scapegrace on 2021-04-08 23:09:59 UTC Reply

Plus, I actually spent time making the original song less sad and also less sexualised? So that's neat.

But yeah, gotta work on more songs. Making them not about stabbing whales to death is always good. =]

"Banned from Discworld" by Thoth on 2021-04-04 17:44:09 UTC Reply

Not technically a shanty, but rather a rewrite of the classic filk song, "Banned From Argo".

When we portalled to Ankh-Morpork for a much-needed break
We each set out to find what such mementos we could take
Each of us tread lightly as we wandered off to see
But it seems the city's unprepared for agents such as we

And we're banned from Discworld everyone!
Banned from Discworld just for havin' a little fun
We took a jolly trip there for a mere three days or four
But the flowers won't allow it anymore

Our Slasher's needs were simple but her methods were complex
Filching memorbilia with multiversal tech
We kept our eyes upon her fingers but she must have had a chance
She portalled home with almost half of Vetinari's pants

And we're banned from Discworld everyone!
Banned from Discworld just for havin' a little fun
We took a jolly trip there for a mere three days or four
But the flowers won't allow it anymore. 

The Assassin drank most heartily from anything with Bleep
After so much work it was such that he needed it to sleep
The trouble really started when he mixed it with some Splot
And all of us went deaf when next we heard him try to talk

And we're banned from Discworld everyone!
Banned from Discworld just for havin' a little fun
We took a jolly trip there for a mere three days or four
But the flowers won't allow it anymore

The Floater was a silent type, without much need for rest
He went to Stibbons' building just to see what he could test
He was well versed in magic (at least of a sort) that's true
But Hex is now possessed by both a daemon and a grue 

And we're banned from Discworld everyone!
Banned from Discworld just for havin' a little fun
We took a jolly trip there for a mere three days or four
But the flowers won't allow it anymore

The technician had no lust objects as far as we could tell
She never asked for anything and did her job quite well
We didn't pay attention and we realized our mistake
When the whole of the Seamstress' Guild began to shake

And we're banned from Discworld everyone!
Banned from Discworld just for havin' a little fun
We took a jolly trip there for a mere three days or four
But the flowers won't allow it anymore

Our Pyro had been punished for his own proclivities
We hid all of the matches and the gas quite carefully
Nobody for a moment even let him out of sight
We were quite confused how the Assassin's Guild was set alight

And we're banned from Discworld everyone!
Banned from Discworld just for havin' a little fun
We took a jolly trip there for a mere three days or four
But the flowers won't allow it anymore

Wonder why?

I love this. by Neshomeh on 2021-04-05 21:35:01 UTC Reply

It's a great song, and the Ban is a great subject for a PPC filk. It gives me fuzzy, nostalgic thoughts of Agent Trojanhorse.

~Neshomeh

Feel free to contribute verses (nm) by Thoth on 2021-04-06 00:22:02 UTC Reply

At first glance, I read "Banned from Discord"... (nm) by Delta Juliette on 2021-04-05 17:30:35 UTC Reply

That wouldn't have been nearly as much fun to write. (nm) by Thoth on 2021-04-05 18:29:40 UTC Reply

Roll the Old Loony Bin Along by Neshomeh on 2021-04-04 03:46:59 UTC Reply

a.k.a. "Roll the Old Chariot Along"

Yeah, this is low-hanging fruit since it's a supply-your-own-verses song, but that's why it lends itself so well to being picked up by disgruntled agents trying to pass the time!

Well, a day without a [BEEP!] wouldn't do us any harm!
A day without a [BEEP!] wouldn't do us any harm!
A day without a [BEEP!] wouldn't do us any harm!
And we won't be long behind.

Chorus:

And we'll roll the old loony bin along,
We'll roll the old loony bin along,
We'll roll the old loony bin along,
And we won't be long behind.

And a decent night of sleep wouldn't do us any harm...!

Chorus

Another sip of Bleepka wouldn't do us any harm...!

Chorus

Just a little bit of drool wouldn't do us any harm...!

Chorus

And a fic that doesn't suck wouldn't do us any harm...!

Chorus

And a big, fat check wouldn't do us any harm...!

Chorus

And any pay at all wouldn't do us any harm...!

Chorus

And so on!

Jenni: Another verse or five wouldn't do us any harm...!

... Oh, all right.

And we'll roll the old loony bin along,
We'll roll the old loony bin along,
We'll roll the old loony bin along,
And we won't be long behind.

Derik: A drop of Benden red wouldn't do us any harm...!

Chorus

Gall: Another horn of mead wouldn't do us any harm...!

Chorus

Ilraen: A run on the grass wouldn't do us any harm...!

Chorus

Nume: Some goddamn peace and quiet wouldn't do us any harm...!

All: And we won't be long behind!

~Neshomeh

P.S. What verses would your agents add? {= D

P.P.S. My headcanon is that a version of this song definitely made it to Pern, and I might write that filk, too.

I could also see Dwarves singing mountain-shanties... by Lily Winterwood on 2021-04-04 10:45:55 UTC Edited Reply

For what is Misty Mountains Cold but the Theme Shanty of the Quest for Erebor? /bricked

As for the chariot song, I think...

Eledhwen: And five bars of chocolate wouldn't do me any harm...
Christianne: Yes it would.
Eledhwen: No, it wouldn't!

Christianne: And a shot of Bleepuvour wouldn't do us any harm...

The Disentangler: And my sonic pen returned wouldn't do us any harm...
Eledhwen: If you want it, come and claim it.

The Agent: And an Earl Grey crumpet wouldn't do us any harm...

Lori Starrett and Bill Fallis: And some time off with our son wouldn't do us any harm...

[A shiny new DBS Agent I am working on]: What is happening?!
Christianne: Singing! You can sing in English, right?
[DBS Agent, managing to sing to the tune]: 你俩别要撒狗粮，我就觉得很好了*
Christianne: ...That works, too.

All: And we won't be long behind!

*Translation: If you two stop doing PDA, I'll be very happy

Fascinating. There's supposed to be Chinese in that blank right there. by Lily Winterwood on 2021-04-04 10:47:35 UTC Reply

Does the Board not support non-Latin characters? Paging an Admin...

絵文字でも大丈夫だよ、ほら😘 by Ki no Shirayuki on 2021-04-04 16:11:16 UTC Edited Reply

Translation: Even emoji get displayed just fine, look.

あ、なるほどなるほど (nm) by Lily Winterwood on 2021-04-04 23:32:27 UTC Reply

Nevermind I think it was some wonky thing with the HTML. Fixed! (nm) by Lily Winterwood on 2021-04-04 10:49:22 UTC Reply

You got to my idea first, and also better by Tomash on 2021-04-04 04:39:19 UTC Reply

But, to add a few more verses

And a big sack of loot wouldn't do us any harm...!

And a full night of sleep wouldn't do us any harm...!

And a real hunk of beef wouldn't do us any harm...!

And a quick in-and-out wouldn't do us any harm...!

Taq: And a cheap pint of ale wouldn't do us any harm...!

Peregrin (having figured out the pattern but not the context): And a ream full of leaves wouldn't do us any harm...!

Farah: And a nice flawless warp wouldn't do us any harm...!

Kkukttak: And a slow merchant ship wouldn't do us any harm! And a slow—

Farah: You're being really insensitive, you know

Kkukttak: But am I wrong? And it's not like we haven't done any plundering.

Farah: Still, this is a merchant song and that's just rude

Everyone else, ignoring the argument:

And we'll roll the old loony bin along,
We'll roll the old loony bin along,
We'll roll the old loony bin along,
And we won't be long behind.

And a few more verses ft my agents by Midnight on 2021-04-06 13:34:05 UTC Edited Reply

Thalia: And some nice explosives wouldn’t do us any harm

Doom: Yes, it would.

Thalia: You’re no fun, puddin’.

Doom: And a second of peace wouldn’t do us any harm

Zara: And a visit to my friend wouldn’t do us any harm

Diamond: You clearly view him as more then a friend, you imbecile. Even if he is a good thirty years older.

Zara: Shut up.

Diamond: And drinking some human blood wouldn’t do us any harm

Zara: And you say I’m the perverse one.

All together: And we won’t be long behind!

This is very silly and I'm going to record it for reasons of, well, amusement. Stand by! (nm) by Zingenmir on 2021-04-03 18:30:55 UTC Reply

Problem. *Problem*. I keep laughing XD by Zingenmir on 2021-04-03 18:37:48 UTC Edited Reply

First it was getting the giggles after a test verse and chorus. Now...well, I only skimmed before, and thought surely I could try just singing it, since I know the tune well and the words seem to fit well so far.

And then that backfired when I got to "Leggy" and just broke off to laugh for a bit. At this rate I'll end up having to post outtakes or something!

~Z

ETA: Have now given it a quick run through. Boromir's verse kind of got me as well. Let's see if I can make it all the way through now...

Okay, I have recordings! :) Will try to get them up soon. (nm) by Zingenmir on 2021-04-03 18:56:41 UTC Reply

Yaaass! by Neshomeh on 2021-04-03 03:25:29 UTC Reply

I will take it, and gladly! The PPC one hundred percent needed a "Wellerman" filk. Thank you!

... Friends. Boarders. Netizens. Write more sea song/shanty filks, and I will make a songbook to put them in. I am very here for this. {= D

~Neshomeh is getting into the shanty-singing scene, courtesy of an IRL friend who was doing it before it was cool.

... Wouldn't Boromir suffer from misandry, though? by Neshomeh on 2021-04-05 04:44:26 UTC Reply

Reviewing the words in case I get a chance to do some recording myself, though it looks like I have a full week of work ahead. Sigh.

[OT complaining]

I wouldn't mind so much if my annotation side-job wasn't still about conciseness, which is an incredibly tedious thing to evaluate for one thousand lines. First I gotta read to understand the line's meaning, then I gotta read again to decide if it's overly wordy or not, and if it is, then I gotta read the correction provided to see if it's an improvement or not. When half the lines are legalese, it's utterly mind-numbing and takes forever, and I hate feeling so sluggish at this when I felt like the Flash on the last project (reading for incorrect verb forms).

Every now and then I get something that seems to have come from a godawful erotic story, though; those lines are at least entertainingly bad, and often easier to judge, too. Kinda wish I could just edit that, but OTOH, it looks like rubbish, so that would only make for a different kind of brain damage.

[/OT complaining]

Anyway. Really just wanted to check about that one word. ^_^;

~Neshomeh

It was a reference to him being designated the misogynistic bastard, but by Lily Winterwood on 2021-04-05 13:02:12 UTC Reply

if it makes more sense to be "misandry" since it's at "her hands", then go for the change!

Hmm... by Neshomeh on 2021-04-05 21:27:40 UTC Reply

How about this?

Poor Boromir, whose country’s need
The Sue decided was Ring-greed;
A bit part of misogyny'd
Been his, and then he died

And, if I may suggest one more change, for the rhyme:

In Moria, at the East Gate
The Sue tried to change Gandalf’s fate
But Balrog whips did not abate
And down Mithrandir went

BTW, I think my favorite line is the one about Galadriel letting the Sue peer into "a well" to see her fate. The Mirror of Galadriel, a well. Do people throw coins in it and make wishes, too? Horrible, and therefore very funny. {X D

~Neshomeh, struggling to focus on work when her brain wants to do more filking.

Go for it!! (nm) by Lily Winterwood on 2021-04-06 15:40:13 UTC Reply