Subject: Reply
Author:
Posted on: 2023-05-20 07:05:03 UTC
You have a point. I guess this story was kind of a flop. I hope I do better next time.
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If You Give a Vulcan a Birthday Cake by
on 2023-05-19 06:44:07 UTC
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Written for the "baking" writing prompt.
Alexa Perkins was bored. She hadn’t had her first mission yet, she didn’t feel like reading, and there wasn’t anything of interest on TV. She considered going to the pool, but it was still a bit of a mystery whether HQ even had a pool, so eventually, she just decided to scroll listlessly through her phone.
She began reading the profiles of herself and her partner, T’Lai, when something caught her eye: under T’Lai’s profile, it said that her birthday was on May 19th. Then, Alexa realised that today was May 19th, so she decided she’d bake her partner a cake.
She went into the RC’s small kitchen and set to work, ending up on a chocolate cake with chocolate icing, and “70” written on top in green M&Ms.
T’Lai was reading on her bed, when Alexa came bursting into the room, holding the cake and singing, excitedly and slightly off-key, “Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear T’Lai! Happy birthday to you!”. She then placed the cake on the bedside table.
“I was reading our profiles ‘cause I was bored and I saw it was your birthday, so I baked you a cake,” she said.
T’Lai raised an eyebrow. “Vulcans do not celebrate birthdays,” she said. “In addition, we do not consume sucrose-based confections. However, I appreciate the sentiment.”
Alexa shrugged. She wasn’t all that disappointed, really – after all, if T’Lai didn’t want her cake, there was more for Alexa.
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It's very sweet! by
on 2023-05-20 04:23:18 UTC
Edited
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I would second the abruptness that Linstar mentioned, but I think part of that is because... I don't see much of a conflict in it? Besides the little bit at the end, where T'Lai mentions not eating cake, there isn't a problem for the agents to tackle in the vignette. And even the culture clash of Vulcans not really eating cake is not quite a problem because Alexa shrugs it off.
I'm not saying that all stories should have conflict between the characters, but even these things like "baking a cake" can have problems in the process that make it a very entertaining story. What if Alexa wanted to bake, but isn't very good at following instructions? What if she couldn't get the ingredients she needed, or some of the ingredients could only be gathered in some obscure continuum she's never been to? ("Why is this recipe calling for Spice Melange? I'm not putting space travel drugs in my cupcakes!") What if the only oven she has access to is in an antigravity kitchen? What if she tried to borrow a Time Lord's TARDIS kitchen? etc, etc. That way you're able to showcase the wacky side of something so mundane as baking in HQ, and it'll give you more to write even without needing to cause conflict between Alexa and T'Lai (though if I had to sneak into Dune for ingredients and bake the cake in an antigravity kitchen and then my partner said "Oh, no, I don't like cake", I would totally smash their face into the cake. But that's just me :P )
Anyway, it's a good start, but I'd love to see more of how Alexa ended up with the cake because that's where you can really let the HQ setting shine. :)
~Lily, who also wondered why this was its own post, but figured it was just a misclick or something.
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You do have a point. by
on 2023-05-20 05:08:50 UTC
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I guess I didn't really see it as needing a problem, because it's only a writing exercise. However, you do have a good point. Also, the whole "I would smash their face in the cake" thing doesn't really sit well with me, because it isn't really "not liking cake"; it's a cultural thing. Like imagine if someone who didn't know their friend was Jewish threw a Christmas party for them, and the Jewish friend was like "Uh.... thanks for the effort, but I'm, y'know, Jewish", it wouldn't be right to get angry at them.
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That's fair, re: cake smashing. by
on 2023-05-20 07:01:41 UTC
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I was actually making a hyperbolic example of how someone could react to their partner not wanting to eat the cake they'd spent an absurd amount of effort on, but I definitely phrased it in a way that makes me seem more of a dick than I would actually be about it irl. I would not actually smash anyone's face into a cake, but I'm pretty sure some of my agents would, because smashing someone's face into a cake is an incredibly petty response to the other person completely dismissing your hard work on said cake, and some of my agents are that level of petty.
I think the problem is that... if you're close enough friends with this person to want to do something thoughtful for their birthday, wouldn't you know them enough to know they don't celebrate birthdays or eat cake? Or, if this is earlier on in their partnership and Alexa simply hadn't done that much research into Vulcan culture, why can't this clash be used as a way for them to develop the partnership further? Why didn't Alexa decide to bake something T'Lai might actually want to eat? Or, why doesn't T'Lai want to try this bit of human culture and sample some cake? As it is, everything just sorta resets back to zero, and no one seems to have learnt anything or developed their friendship.
"It didn't need a problem because it's a writing exercise" -- I mean, fair, you're free to do what you want with a prompt. But if you're looking for more substantive feedback than "cute!", then it's good to have your main character want something but then be thwarted in obtaining said thing easily. The PPC is full of main characters and its HQ is designed to thwart them at every opportunity, to the point that other characters start alerting the DMS if your agents experience 'plans going smoothly' and 'no inconveniences' for more than 4 hours. Half the fun of getting such a prompt is thinking about how something like 'baking' could go horribly, hilariously wrong in HQ.
~Lily, who has never lived so far under a rock that she would throw a Christmas party for a Jewish friend, though if she'd accidentally gone and invited a Jewish friend to a party on the 24th, she'd probably switch the plans to making latkes and watching Die Hard instead...
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Reply by
on 2023-05-20 07:05:03 UTC
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You have a point. I guess this story was kind of a flop. I hope I do better next time.
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That's why it was an exercise! by
on 2023-05-20 07:14:21 UTC
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It's good to practise as much as possible and even if something doesn't quite come out the way you intended, you can rewrite it, or you can try again with a new prompt. Each ficlet you do can teach you more about your agents!
I also wrote ficlets about my agents to prompts... oh my god, eleven years ago. This is surreal.
~Lily needs a moment to contemplate the fleeting nature of time
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Why is this a separate post? by
on 2023-05-19 21:06:16 UTC
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The other responses to Novastorme's prompts were all part of that thread, because it's entirely unnecessary to create another thread.
That said, I'll share my thoughts on the response itself.
First off, this was quite short. It felt rushed, and you could have done more with this. Maybe Alexa got very excited about making the cake, didn't have the ingrediants, but still managed in the end, only for T'Lai to turn her down. As it is... it's kinda underwhelming.
I'm also not quite sure what these "profiles" that you're referring to are, and why Alexa would be looking at them. I think you could have introduced the birthday in a more interesting way.
It's not bad, but I wish there was more here.
-Ls
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Sorry it was too short by
on 2023-05-19 21:08:55 UTC
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But I thought these "writing prompt" stories were meant to be short? Also, by profiles I mean like personnel files.
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I mean, it's significantly shorter than the other replies. by
on 2023-05-19 21:33:12 UTC
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And why would personnel files, which, I don't actually recall being a thing, be availible for random Agents to read?
-Ls
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Personnel files by
on 2023-05-19 21:33:58 UTC
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Maybe I've been watching too much Star Trek.